my pessimism

you know, i am a very big pessimist. or at least i have been one up until this point in my life, not that i necessarily need to remain that way. a friend told me that most kids are already experimenting with sex and making out and dating and stuff like that at age 13, and he felt that since he started at age 17, that was a late start. well, i have never had any romantic relationships, and i have only done sexual stuff with one other person, on two separate occasions. quite frankly, i do not give a damn about most people. there are a million reasons why i do not care about other people. i do care to a certain extent, and i am a good person at heart, i think. i am not good 100% of the time but when i am evil i am willing to be honest enough to acknowledge that i have some evil in me. i am good the vast majority of the time, anyway. supposedly i am good-looking (at least according to my mom) and i am very smart and well-educated, and hard working (just ask my supervisor at work). but i hate myself, not just a little, but a lot. and i do not really like other people that much either. i tend to see the bad in other people and not the good. except when it comes to physical appearance. that is the one area where i can really have a completely positive impression of someone.

now, if you were to judge me by my thoughts, i am certainly a racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-religous, closed-minded bigot. but i do my very best to act nicely to other people and not be a major league asshole. someone has to really rub me the wrong way and do mean things to provoke me a lot before i start getting mean at all. but i cannot stand criticism at all. it really gets to me, because i have such a low opinion of myself, and i tend to agree with anything bad other people say about me, and disagree with anything good said about me. i mean, sometimes i wonder whether i even deserve to live or if i am just some sort of malicious parasite feeding off society. at least, i wondered that before i got a job. not that i was on welfare or anything; i was just getting everything from my parents.

but generally i have a pretty low opinion of human beings. i don’t like myself, and don’t particularly like anyone else that much either. i don’t really respect anyone or trust anyone or look up to anyone as a role model. in my judgement, we are a fairly primitive race of life form, compared to other intelligent civilizations that almost undoubtedly exist throughout the universe. although we have developed some relatively advanced technology, most people still seem to have a problem telling truth from lies, right from wrong, good from evil, and fantasy from reality. hardly anyone is well-informed enough to make many sweeping judgements like that anyway, but people go around over-generalizing about things all the time, especially pessimists like me.

now, i have asperger’s syndrome, so i lack empathy, and i am not good socially. so, even if i manage to act well enough in a social situation so that the other person is not left with a bad impression or disliking me, even if i am able to act nice and if they like me to some extent, i still end up feeling bad. because there is just a deep fundamental disconnect between me and other people. i cannot be honest with other people about what i think or how i feel, because if i were, nobody would like me, since my pessimistic thoughts about them would be very insulting. i always have to hold my tongue and avoid expressing my views on that, but it is second nature to me, anyway. the way i act around other people is mostly a front and does not show how i truly feel at all. i often suspect that other people dislike me but are keeping quiet to avoid offending me, or that they talk about me behind my back. why? because that is how other people would be, if they were like me. and i am the only person i can understand, so it is easiest to think of other people as being like me.

i have heard it said, and read many times, that most people’s favorite subject is themselves. for me, that is quite a sore subject, and i actually hate talking about myself, because of my incredibly low self-esteem. i hate having to tell people about myself, if i am just getting to know them or whatever, because i really quite honestly have nothing good to say. i usually end up saying something bad about myself and making myself look bad and then i get all upset about it, and the other person does not respond well to this, and then i end up feeling like they were the one who insulted me and not me. i cannot for a moment fathom how someone could possibly enjoy talking about themselves, or how someone could like themselves. it does not make sense. i certainly do not like that kind of person. people who like themselves and like to talk about themselves, i basically see them as arrogant and obnoxious, always trying to rub it in your face that they are better than you. i much prefer other people who have low self-esteem, because at least they make some fucking sense to me. but, i don’t like them either. they are all losers anyway. just like me. i don’t want to associate with losers. i would rather associate with nobody at all. which is exactly what i do.

see, not having friends as a kid, and being picked on all the time, despite having the best grades in the class and being smarter than everyone else, that really fucks with your head a lot. i mean, i got so used to being insulted all the time, that when it stopped happening, i was confused and at a loss, disbelieving, not knowing what to do. in some ways, i wished things would go back to me being insulted all the time, directly, because at least then i knew what to do. pretend not to let it affect me, never talk to anyone, and then go home and cry about it to my parents and my dog. not literally cry of course, except when i was quite young. but you know what i mean, bitch and whine and complain and all that. but it seems i just tend to notice bad things people say about me and not good ones. mostly because i think the good ones are bullshit. flattery. people trying to win me over, to get me to do things for them. that happened in school a lot. people would use flattery to get me to do their homework or let them cheat on tests, and then afterwards, they would go back to being mean to me, and not invite me to their parties or anything. it was the popular kids who did this to me. that really confused me, because i could never tell if they liked me or disliked me, because there were so many mixed signals. one minute everyone is picking on me and saying i am a loser who has no social skills and will die a virgin. the next minute, someone is saying how i am so much smarter than them and going to be much more successful than them and would i please do their homework because they are too stupid to understand even the most elementary problems. and since i am a nice guy, i eagerly oblige and do their work for them and cooperate fully. but for some reason, have no friends and never date anyone. strange.

so, i do not trust other people, and i look at them as essentially selfish and evil. yes, people are good and selfless sometimes, but only because this benefits them in some way. when i look at my past i see myself as a victim, as someone mistreated by a society filled with evil, heartless, sadistic people, who enjoy causing and then observing the misery of other people. once this kid bent a spoon back and forth again and again until it broke, and the two ends of where it broke were red-hot, and he stabbed one of them into my arm and burned me, for his own amusement. that is how i was treated as a kid. that is how i see the essential part of human nature. the goodness and virtue people have, i believe, is simply so they can feel better about themselves and so they can be praised by other people.

just think about the concepts of heaven and hell. people need to be told that they will be eternally punished for being bad, or eternally rewarded for being good, or else they cannot find it in themselves to be moral at all. they claim that morality can only exist within the context of religion and an afterlife where your conduct while alive is either rewarded or punished. more than anything else, this demonstrates the fundamentally selfish and evil nature of humanity. a truly moral person would be moral even if there were no reward at all, even if there were a great reward for acting immorally. in fact, they would even act morally if it meant torture and doom for them! now, this is not exactly a rational way for a person to behave, although there have been many martyrs throughout history who behaved in exactly that way. the thing is, if someone has a deluded notion of what is right and what is wrong, and then takes a strong moral stand which is risky for them, that is not something that ought to be looked up to. adolf hitler believed that when he was committing genocide against the jews and using eugenics to try and create a superior aryan race, he was doing the right, good, moral thing. most people agree that adolf hitler was pretty much as evil as a person can be, but he believed the exact opposite about himself, and so did his supporters, the nazis. why would people support such an evil man, and do such evil things, unless they are not themselves evil, deep inside? and who are we to say that we would not be as evil as the nazis, if we were under the same conditions? anyone who believes in unquestioning loyalty to their nation, their government, that person would definitely be a nazi if they had lived in nazi germany. people who believe the united states is 100% good and righteous in international affairs, they would have been nazis in nazi germany. and yet we still have solid majorities approving of every war our country starts, until things start going badly for our own country. this is that selfishness again. we do not care one iota about other countries, we only care about our own. such is human nature. we consider the lives of “enemy” soldiers or civilians to be useless, expendable, or a necessary sacrifice for some so-called “greater good”. but anyone who abides by the deliberate killing of other people has already abandoned any pretense of having respect for the sanctity of human life. such people are arrogant nationalists, supporting whichever country they happen to live in, despite the fact that they only live there due to circumstance, and could just as easily have been born and raised and be living somewhere else.

throughout the world, most people tend to believe in whatever religion their parents raise them in, despite the fact that this is a matter of circumstance, and you can consider it random, if you are thinking, what if i were just one of the babies born in a certain year, at random, but born somewhere else, under other circumstances? would i still be the same person? what things about me would still be true? what things would i still know to be true? if someone is a christian because they are born and raised in a christian country, they are no better than a muslim born and raised in a muslim country, or a hindu born and raised in a hindu country, a buddhist born and raised in a buddhist country, a jew born and raised in a jewish country, or a communist born and raised in a communist country. it is easy to believe whatever the people in your geographical area tell you to believe, and it is intellectually lazy and is not at all a rational approach towards finding out what the real truth is. if you want to understand reality, you have to take a more holistic approach and think about how you might think differently if you were born under other circumstances, and then take that into consideration. if each religion contradicts all the others, then either there is only one true religion, or they are all wrong. and if one religion happens to be true, then what about people who lived before that religion existed? are they all lost souls? that is not a morally justifiable outcome. what about how people choose religion based on the circumstances of where they are born and who their parents are? no religion has been able to pass the test, to demonstrate that it really is the ultimate truth, that people everywhere can believe it, in large numbers, in every country around the world, and that it can appropriately deal with unbelievers in a morally acceptable fashion. like, take christianity for instance. christianity says that unbelievers all go to hell, and only true christians go to heaven. that is not a morally acceptable outcome, and under that scenario, god is evil, because he is discriminating against people born in parts of the world where virtually nobody is christian, while showing outrageous favoritism towards people born in places where almost everyone is christian. hardly anyone in japan believes in christianity, yet they have a very low crime rate, a prosperous economy, a strict system of morality that exists outside of any religion, and the highest life expectancy in the world. how is it that the japanese are able to have such a strict system of morality outside of any religion? how is it that in ancient greece, philosophers who disbelieved in the gods were still able to come up with a system of morality that is the basis for morality in western civilization to this day? clearly, morality is entirely separate from religion, or at least, it can exist entirely separate from religion, but sometimes gets intertwined with it, unfortunately.

now, human beings are quite stupid organisms, along with being selfish and evil. we do not realize what the truth is, or at least most of us do not. we arrogantly think that whatever we have been taught, in our society, must be true, and what people elsewhere think must be false if it contradicts our beliefs. and of course children can be quite mean and nasty; morality and being good do not come naturally to kids, unfortunately. morality and being good are things that must be taught to children, since these are alien concepts, unnatural concepts, created by human society, because societies that have morality survive better than societies that do not have it. a civilization where people cooperate and help each other out will be more prosperous than one where nobody cares about anyone else and everyone is immoral and selfish. thus, the great european powers conquered the world, because they had a system of morality that made their societies successful enough, strong enough, and unified enough to go around conquering “less advanced” societies. although perhaps it was the europeans who were less advanced, since they fought so many wars and had such an unfair hierarchy for their society based on the circumstance of who a person’s parents are. arguably, many less technologically advanced societies around the world were more morally advanced, such as many native american tribes, or perhaps that is just a myth. who knows? anyway, the point is, morality is the creation of society in order to have the society be self-regulating and more prosperous. it does not have any natural or biological origin, and by nature, we are evil and selfish beasts. do you think animals give a damn about each other? does a lion give a fuck about what a zebra thinks, when the lion viciously attacks the zebra and rips it to shreds? of course not! animals are just as selfish as us, for the most part. the notable exception is dogs. and dogs would not even exist naturally. they are an artificial creation, the product of selective breeding over thousands of years, and they originated from wolves. wolves are vicious predators who attack innocent animals and rip them to pieces. we have managed to use eugenics and selective breeding to artificially create a species of animal that is born with a natural tendency to be moral and good and righteous. quite amazing, really. as for our own species, humanity? well, we have not come so far ourselves. bad, evil people still have children, and pass on their genes to future generations. so there is no hope for us to genetically evolve our way out of being evil and selfish. society and morality are the only hope.

but, there are many different societies, and many different systems of morality. there is a lot of conflict in the world. how can we know right from wrong? here is an easy way: if someone is a human being from the planet earth, they are probably wrong, because they are evil and selfish, and if they think they are good and moral, that is just because they have been brainwashed by their society and want to feel good about themselves so they can sleep at night. even genocidal dictators can love their own family. my point is, nobody is morally right 100% of the time. even if we have enough self-control to always behave in a way that we personally believe is morally correct (which hardly anyone has enough self-control for), we would still be wrong a lot of the time, because we are fallible humans prone to error. i, like every other person, sometimes do things to purposefully make other people feel bad. therefore, i am evil, just like everyone else. but what makes me better than a lot of people is, at least i am honest enough to admit to this evil, and not lie about it and say i am totally righteous when i know i am not. that type of person would be a hypocrite, and i hate hypocrites. of course, i am a hypocrite myself, to some extent (but at least honest enough to admit it), and thus i hate myself, to some extent. it is all rather unfortunate.

so, i do not really have respect or trust for other people, but i can at least have fun with them and enjoy being around them, right? well, yes, i can. it happens sometimes. it is not a necessary prerequisite for having fun with someone, that you respect them and trust them completely. you can still hang out with someone who you think is a bad person, or do stuff with them, or even be friends with someone evil. i mean, who isn’t evil? according to christianity, only one man ever met that challenge of not being evil, and his name was jesus christ. but according to me, not even jesus met that challenge... we are all evil, at least to some extent. this is the natural state of affairs, for we are a species of animal. luckily society has taught us morality and made most of us behave good most of the time. but the morality society has taught us is not right about everything, and lots of times leads to the wrong outcome. but it is better than no morality. what would be best is to have a morality where we fix as many problems as possible, and have a humanist, utilitarian system of ethics and morality that provides answers to all moral dilemmas. but, ultimately, it seems that the morality we are taught here in the united states teaches us all to be selfish and not care that much about others. at least that is the morality i have been taught, through bitter experiences of other people being mean... and i will have to un-learn that morality and re-learn the correct morality. otherwise there is no way i could ever really love another person and actually care about them anywhere near as much as i care about myself... and i don’t even really care about myself that much anyway. or maybe i do. who knows? but i do know that i am irrational, and need to work on becoming more rational. my irrationality is what causes me problems, not other people’s irrationality. it is what upsets me over little things and makes me emotionally unstable and filled with self-loathing. if i repaired my brain, and became rational, it would solve everything. i would finally have a positive attitude, and be sociable, and enjoy the company of other people. and then, i would go quite far in life.

guess who is going to win congress

the democrats are going to win back congress. check it out. there is no way the republicans can win this election. there are too many critics they would have to silence, and we just don’t have the kind of secret police the soviet union used for eliminating that kind of dissent. hopefully, we will not only have a democratic victory, but a peaceful transfer of power, and things will start to get back to normal in this country, after 6 years of hell. the onion radio news tells us all the things the democrats will fix.

the long-awaited new blog entry

ladies and gentlemen, here it is! my long-awaited new blog entry! yes, i am finally writing a new blog entry, after not writing one in quite a while. so much has happened. the tom foley scandal, for instance. who would have known that republican congressmen are hypocrites, living secret lives as closeted homosexual pedophile sex predators, while publicly pretending to be advocates of protecting our children from sex predators? well maybe tom foley was the only one like that... maybe. but think about it. what did he do wrong? is it wrong to be homosexual? no. is it wrong to be a closeted homosexual? no, because much of society is bigoted and hates homosexuals, so unfortunately some people who are homosexual have to pretend not to be in order to live their lives normally. is it wrong to try to start sexual relationships with people who are younger than you, if you are an important and powerful person and they are not? perhaps, but if they are of legal age (18 in most parts of the united states), there is not really anything legally wrong with it. so, what exactly did tom foley do wrong? well, he went after people who were under the legal age of 18 in a sexual manner, and then lied about it. now, lying about a crime you have committed is understandable. he was not under oath when he lied, and there is no law against lying. so really, the only thing illegal is the fact that the pages that tom foley went after were under 18. this is very ironic, because in many other countries, the legal age is lower, in some cases, much lower. in the united kingdom, for instance, it is 16. in japan, it is 13. if a japanese politician had done what tom foley did, it would not violate any laws. but the japanese politician would probably commit suicide anyway, because it would dishonol his famiry. hehehehehe. solly, that was a rittre lacist. ROR. ok whatever... anyway, sex is legal, between consenting adults, or at least it should be legal between consenting adults, if there are still any laws against it. and that includes premarital sex and adultery and homosexual sex and orgies. but it does NOT include sex with animals or polygamy or incest or rape or having sex with minors. but if two minors have sex it IS ok unless it is rape or incest. WOW that was complicated. anyway, the definition of a minor depends on what nation you are in, but in the united states, it is anyone under 18 for most practical purposes, except for drinking alcohol, where it is 21 for some retarded-ass reason. it sure is strange that tobacco is legal for 18-year-olds but marijuana is illegal for everyone and people have to wait until they are 21 to legally drink alcohol. and there is a double standard for celebrities and famous people, who always get off light if they are caught violating laws against drugs or stuff like that, and some people are even ok with it! why do we give some black inner-city gang member the maximum sentence if he is caught with cocaine, but let someone like kate moss get off scott free? why is snoop doggy dogg allowed to go free despite his numerous violations of the drug laws? i’ll tell you why: the public would be up in arms if their favorite celebrities got put in jail for long sentences for victimless crimes like doing drugs. but if some random person off the street who is unimportant gets a long jail sentence for a victimless crime, nobody gives a fuck, and nobody sees any reason to change the law! what the hell is wrong with people? anyway, tom foley may have done something immoral, and it may in fact be illegal, but whether something is moral and whether it is legal are two entirely different questions. there are numerous ways he acted immorally, but we all act immorally on a regular basis. i don’t know anyone who doesn’t act immorally on a regular basis. it is universal, part of the human condition. but, has he violated any laws? i think so, but i think if he has violated any laws, perhaps those laws ought to be repealed, because although society is often quick to condemn those individuals who are labelled as sex predators or sex offenders, every case is unique and often there may be extenuating circumstances; we need to show more compassion, and look at things from the criminal’s point of view. we need to try and understand why someone might think that they did not do anything wrong, when most of society thinks that the person did do something wrong. there is a chemical called testosterone that makes men, and women too to some extent, have an insatiable desire for sex, and it also makes them seek dominance and sometimes even do violence and do horrible evil things. if we understand this phenomenon of testosterone-altered behavior better, perhaps we will be able to find better ways to deal with male criminals whose stupid, reckless, irresponsible, selfish, violent, and/or evil behavior is in part caused by the testosterone being produced by their balls inside their scrotum which is underneath their penis. i do not mean in any way to excuse what criminals like mark foley do, or say that they should not be punished. but i have profound insights into the minds of deviant male individuals, and by deviant i mean anyone who rebels against society or does bad things or is evil or whatever. why? because i am evil myself, and i know evil because i am evil. testosterone makes men evil, and the more testosterone is in a man’s blood, the more evil it makes him. that is just a fact, look it up. this does not mean women cannot be evil too, or that all men are evil. men simply have a natural predisposition towards evil, whereas (and this is simply speculation) i tend to believe that women start out as more or less a blank slate, and then get brainwashed by society into behaving in certain ways. men are brainwashed too, of course, but the reason for it is different. males have to be domesticated and taught to behave in a civilized manner and obey the rules of society, or else they will be vicious like wild animals. women, on the other hand, are naturally social and have a tendency to assimilate, and behave like other people. i mean, there is a reason that most inventors who receive patents are men, and why most violent criminals are men, and why men are more likely to be at the extremes of high iq or low iq whereas most women have close to average iq. men are naturally more socially isolated, which can make them think evil thoughts and become criminals, or they can study up and get really smart and know a lot and invent things, or they can just sit around and be dumbass retards who don’t know anything. since women spend so much time socializing, they get informed enough about stuff not to be complete retards, but they don’t have enough alone time to intellectuallize and think about things on their own to become geniuses. and although men have larger brains, this is actually irrelevant, because scientists have found that dolphins, despite having massive brains, are very stupid animals indeed. what matters is the number of connections in the brain, which is the same in men and women. a brain is basically like a tiny little internet, with each neuron acting like a computer, and the synapses are like the tubes that connect all the computers on the internet (the tubes ted stevens talks about). in a woman’s brain, there are less computers but the connections between them have higher bandwidth, so it evens out. or something like that. anyway, back to mark foley. he is a man. sexual predators tend to be men. are there female sexual predators? yes of course, there are some. probably more than the official statistics state, because the “victims” probably enjoy it most of the time. most men or boys would probably love to be “raped” by a woman. but of course, not all. there are obviously going to be some cases where the man does not want sex, for whatever reason. and a female sexual predator might rape other females, for that matter. but, it seems like the vast majority of sexual predators who are caught and prosecuted by our legal system are men. maybe that is because all the computers in the male brain are using dialup to talk to each other, whereas the female brain has half as many computers but they all have broadbrain. if you look at how the right and left sides of the brain are connected in a man, it is like the fbi and the cia prior to 9/11. the right and left sides of the brain in a woman are connected like the fbi and cia AFTER 9/11. that is the difference. so, the reason mark foley behaved like a moron is, part of his brain knew what he was doing was retarted, but it couldn’t talk to the part that was making him act like a retard, since there weren’t enough connections to get the message through. they had to re-route through a different server, because the one they used to use was a brain cell killed by mark foley’s alcoholism. and i think i know why he is gay. he probably would have been a normal straight man if he had not been molested by a priest. but when he was a young boy, he was molested, and he enjoyed it, and it turned him gay. maybe he thought that the pages would enjoy it just like he did. who knows? or maybe mark foley was born gay. how do people become gay? and why do people become child molesters? more importantly, why does american society demonize people who have sex with people who are younger than them, while other societies around the world are more permissive? are we better or worse than other societies or countries where the age of consent is much lower? i don’t have any answers; in fact, i just make things up most of the time. none of us knows anything for sure. i am basically a nihilist; i do not actually believe in anything at all. but i say things, as if i do believe them. that is just a necessary evil, the only way i know to communicate. the things i say, i do not believe with 100% certainty. they are just imperfect observations or speculation, hunches if you will. the universe is a complicated and confusing place, and not everything is simple and logical. you cannot simply classify everything and put it in a box and label it and be done with it. ultimately, words, ideas, sentences, numbers, math, philosophy, these are all human inventions, in order to communicate with each other, and try to understand the universe. but the universe is not beholden to us or our ideas or what we think or say. it does its stuff regardless, with no care whatsoever for our thoughts on how it operates. so for something as complex as the difference between men and women, i could simply say that things are so complicated that there are not any statements i can make, generally speaking, that would not only be true but also carry some sort of meaning and have a point to them. but that is BORING! i have to have SOMETHING to say! so, i think of something to say, and then say it. even though i am not even convinced that i exist, or that anything exists; i am not convinced of anything at all. lately, the two major united states political parties and their adherents have gotten so polarized from each other that they believe in completely different sets of facts, and the facts a liberal democrat believes in all directly contradict the facts a conservative republican believes in. who is to say who is right? who is the impartial arbiter of truth? there is none! does truth even exist? probably, but it has not been proven. you cannot prove something that you have to assume to be true in order to prove it, because then your argument would rely on circular reasoning. it is impossible to prove truth exists because in order to prove it you have to assume that truth exists. at least that is what i THINK, but i am not sure. maybe it IS possible to prove truth exists? who knows? nobody knows anything. that is the ultimate truth, the secret behind everything that goes on on this tawdry little soap-opera planet we have here. we are all a bunch of morons on this planet earth, each and every one of us. what do we know that small furry animals do not know? not much of anything. what little we do know is mostly obvious and a lot of it is probably wrong anyway. in past centuries and past civilizations, most of what people believed in has now been proven to be false. or at least we assume it is false, nowadays. perhaps the gods of ancient greece are real, or maybe the nordic gods. or maybe the beliefs of ancient egypt were correct. in any case, whatever people believe nowadays is probably no better than what people believed back then, at least as far as religious beliefs are concerned. as for science, i think it is a good way to get a reasonable approximation of the truth, but you can never quite get to 100% with science, because it is all based on empirical data, which could be skewed by a highly improbable set of circumstances the scientists do not know about. for all we know, we are in the middle of one of douglas adams’s infinite improbability generators, and all of our science is based on the empirical study of highly improbable events. speaking of highly improbable events, why is it that a few weeks after the 5th anniversary of terrorists flying planes into 2 buildings in new york city and one building near washington, d.c., a pitcher for the new york yankees flies a plane into a building in new york city? i still think al qaeda was behind this. they probably rigged his engine to fail. i’d bet the last mechanic who looked at the engine for the plane flown by the yankees pitcher was an al qaeda operative. hey, it’s not impossible, so it might as well be true, right? who cares about the truth, anyway? hardly anyone. why do people believe in religion? because they care more about saving their own asses (sorry, i meant “souls”) than knowing what the actual truth is. they would rather find some false comfort than face a bleak reality. now, it looks like the democrats are going to win control of congress in november. all signs point to yes, as a magic 8-ball would say. and i am all for that. i love the democratic party dearly. it is mine, mine, MINE! i agree with it on all the issues, except perhaps for a few, but i like to pretend that the party agrees with me on everything, even on my unconventional and radical beliefs, such as legalizing all drugs, prostitution, and gambling. and maybe i was wrong earlier in this post when i said polygamy is wrong. i mean, muslims practice polygamy, and mormons used to. it can’t be all that bad. and what mark foley did was very very common in ancient greece. in ancient greece, all the men were homosexual pedophiles just like mark foley. or maybe bisexual. whatever. but nobody thought anything was wrong with it. and our philosophy, our science, all of it originated with the ancient greeks. western civilization was founded by homosexual pedophiles, and it is about time that we admitted it. aristotle, plato, socrates, democritus, epicurus, pythagoras, homer, alexander the great, ... those are some of the ancient greek men whose ideas are the very foundation of western civilization, and yet most of them probably had sex with young boys. i am not saying that the North American Man-Boy Love Association is correct, not in the least! in fact, i find this behavior repugnant and immoral! i am just saying, i am not 100% sure. i mean, take michael jackson for instance. sure, most people think he is a weirdo, but he used to be cool, before he turned out to be a gay child-molester who bleaches his skin and has badly done plastic surgery on his nose and is completely batshit insane. michael jackson is muslim now and lives with his family in some middle-eastern country; i think it is qatar. jihad! what ever happened to arab and muslim people? we americans used to not hate them. there were the arabian nights, the story of alladin. we used to respect islamic culture, back before those damned terrorists attacked us. we used to admire their contributions to mathematics and science, such as algebra and i think they invented telescopes or something like that too. back when i went to high school, nobody ever said anything bad about the prophet muhammad, peace be upon him. truth be told, we never even thought about the guy, just like we never really thought about the buddha or about confucius or any of those other non-judeo-christian religious figures. i mean, i remember when i was a kid, and i heard about the prophet muhammad, people were like, “yeah, he’s ok i guess, i mean he respects the teachings of jesus, so he’s cool, i just don’t like the idea of praying 5 times a day to mecca or wearing a veil.” i mean, who can argue with that? it just seems like lately, the terrorists have hijacked islam, the same way people like pat robertson and jerry falwell have hijacked christianity, except worse. all the right-wing american televangelists are just hypocrites who are trying to make lots of money and get lots of followers and feed their egos by being modern-day false prophets. any major religious leader in christianity whose name is not jesus christ is basically a cult leader, because the bible says to follow jesus, not to follow pat robertson or jerry falwell or the pope or whatever. anyway, lately i have been having some problems interpersonally, getting along with other people, but i have been working on it, and reading books such as how to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie. i am not too skilled at the social crap yet, but hopefully someday i will be skilled enough to achieve the primary objective. the primary objective was given to me by my testicles and the testosterone they produced and released into my bloodstream, and by seeing attractive young women and feeling attracted to them. what is the primary objective? it is to have sex with hot babes, or something like that. it is actually loosely defined. the primary objective also changes over time. eventually the primary objective will be to have children and raise them and have them turn out better than i did. but first i have to find a mate. so, right now, that is the primary objective. if i achieve the primary objective, then i will still have a primary objective, it will just change a little. it is a moving target. my primary objective used to be to just have sex with a woman, as i had lowered my standards and scaled back on the more ambitious parts about having her be attractive and having it be true love and whatnot. after that was achieved, the mission was deemed accomplished but it was a failure, because my boys didn’t get deployed out to sea... the sperm cells decided to play it safe and play a home game, rather than going off into female territory and getting cock-blocked by a condom before they can score a touchdown at the egg cell. so right now, my mission is of a different sort... it is to find a woman that turns me on and develop some sort of superficial rapport and positive loving relationship with her, in a short period of time, so that my private parts will function correctly and not refuse to fire. if i don’t get my penis working in the next year or two, it will probably just fall off out of disuse. and it will write a little penis suicide note too. it will say something like “dear rest of body, i am sick and tired of being attached to you. you have failed me. your primary mission was to get me erect and inserted in a vagina and have me shoot out cum, and you never accomplished it, not even once. i am sick of it! i am leaving, and this time, for good! i am going to find a lonely woman who needs a dildo, and instead of a dildo, she will now be able to use a real human penis, albeit a dead one. actually that is kind of gross and morbid. please just cremate me. or insert me into paris hilton’s vagina. you can send me to her in the mail. i am sure she would put me in. she is a total whore, and crazy enough to do stuff like that. or maybe you can have me cooked and served as food to someone. that would be kinda cool. i wonder what i would taste like. anyway, goodbye cruel world!” yep. that is what it sounds like when a penis writes a suicide note, before it detaches itself from your body out of disgust with your lack of sex. it is only a matter of time before my dick leaves me. i am always getting messages from it, in my brain, telling me different women it wants to get inside. and i wonder, is it going to stay attached to me, or is it just trying to escape from me and find a new host organism to attach itself to? what if the woman’s immune system rejected the penis after it tried to transplant itself onto her and attach its veins to her bloodstream? i mean, my penis has plans, big plans, much bigger than any i ever had. it wants to see things and go places i have never even heard of. why, it even wants to have sex with a black hole! even steven hawking knows that ain’t safe. why, the gravitational collapse would destroy its molecular structure! yet my penis does not care! somehow, it has faith that it will cum out in some parallel universe, or maybe it will find itself going through a wormhole. and then after it cums out the other side of the wormhole, it will go back in, and then go back, and forth, in the process tearing apart the delicate fabric of the space-time continuum! my cock wants to go off into other galaxies and have sex with hot alien bitches from outer space, like the ones on tv! it even wants to have sex with robots! and it wants to have sex in weird places, like inside a volcano, or underwater, or in zero gravity, or in an 11-dimensional manifold. it wants to get bitten by a vampire and die and come back as an undead penis and impregnate succubus demons with alien-human hybrid babies that scientists do surgery on to turn into half-robotic cyborg space monsters! that is even worse than fighting an army of hitler clones all by yourself with a star of david tatooed on your forehead! wow... i am insane. why do i even have a blog anyway? i mean, i am an undead alien cyborg prototype monster from the future sent to destroy the past and thus destroy time itself, so that the lazy bums in the future won’t have to worry about people telling them they are wasting time, since time will no longer exist, and all things that exist will exist outside of time! i am the genie that grants all wishes! i am the male prostitute who charges a negative amount of money! i am the puppet being held by adam smith’s invisible hand of capitalism! i am the invisible demon covered in paint who works as a mime on street corners, worried that someone might rub off my paint and see how i am invisible underneath and then satan finds out and sends me back to hell! i am the organic mobile biological intelligent agent, deployed to seek the optimal algorithm to fuck you up! i am the official spokesman for an organization of fictional characters who demand that reality instantiate them into tangible subsistence! i am the unimportant backwoods white trash hick redneck who lives in the middle of nowhere that you never heard of and never will! i am made of antimatter, i am radioactive, and i eat dark matter for breakfast! i cut down trees with my giant arms which are actually chainsaws, and i have 8 of them, because i am an octopus! i am the ruthless dictator of a third-world country who commits acts of terrorism against his own people... and LIKES it! my brain is directly connected to the internet by a broadbrain connection - telepathically! i know all and all i know is nothing, meaning all you have is nothing so you lose. you are the weakest link, you are the reader, i put ideas into your head and your brain passively accepts them, you are the lowest form of life, a human. i am level 99 and have mastered all the spells, and my sword does 9999 damage to EVERY ENEMY, EVERY TIME! i eat manufactured food products which may contain monosodium glutamate! my car runs on unleaded gasoline, 87 octane! i carry cash in my wallet and sleep with my eyes closed! my favorite television network is comedy central! i like long walks on the beach, lowercase text, and exclamation points! i know secrets the government doesn’t want you to know, except i forgot them all, because i am mentally retarded! i have the nicest, fuzziest, smartest, cutest, best dog in the world; the only problem is, my dog doesn’t even exist! i vaporize insects using lasers i had surgically implanted in my retinas! i would punch you in the face right now if you were standing in front of me! this is the longest paragraph ever! try saying that a googolplex times in a row backwards in sanskrit while balancing upside-down on your head on top of the peak of mount everest, stark naked, except for the shoes you are wearing which are made of solid gold and weigh more than fatty mcfattass up the street, you know, that fat person who weighs a lot more than you do, who you laugh at, silently, in your head, every time you say hi. where is my “off” switch? OH! i found it! good b -
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C:\>_

are you evil?

there are several different ways to define evil. people who are truly evil are, in fact, mentally ill. there are various ways of describing what their mental condition is, such as being a sociopath, a psychopath, or antisocial personality disorder. it is important to note that a psychopath and a psychotic are completely different. psychopathy has nothing to do with psychosis. someone who is evil is generally classified as a sociopath, a psychopath, or someone with antisocial personality disorder. antisocial personality disorder is sometimes called dissocial personality disorder. anyway, mostly i want to link to a bunch of other sites about this shit, and also point out that the vast majority of great visionary leaders are sociopaths or psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder.

take this test. it tells you what personality disorders you have. warning: you probably have all of them! according to that test, i am pure evil and i am going to hell. i got “very high” in 2/3 of the categories. whoopie! now, if you are wondering how evil you are, look at your score for “antisocial”. for me, i only had “high” on that one, instead of “very high”. so i am not really that evil after all. here is another test, to see if you are a sociopath. according to that test, i am 88% sociopath, meaning, i am 88% pure evil. fun fun for everyone!

now here are some wikipedia articles: antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy. now here is an article that is apparently part of the curriculum a professor wrote for his criminal justice class, which covers it all quite well. here is a little web page about psychopaths. and here is a quite nice page that goes into detail about everything, with white text on a black background. beautiful! here is one about psychopaths in the context of bullies you run into at work. and here is someone posting on their blog about how republicans are sociopaths.

now if you are evil, you might be a big fan of the wikipedia, the free encyclopedia anyone can edit. there are all sorts of evil ways to use the wikipedia to your advantage. but why not start your own wikipedia? here are some others: sourcewatch.com is a wikipedia about politics and public relations stuff (it used to be called disinfopedia.org). simple english wikipedia is a wikipedia for people who no speak good engrish (it is rather boring). uncyclopedia.org is a parody wikipedia full of humor. encyclopedia dramatica is another parody wikipedia. dkosopedia.com is a wikipedia run by the daily kos, the #1 liberal blog. wikiality.com is a wikipedia run by stephen colbert fans (it is a pretty small site so far). and wikia.com is host to 2 THOUSAND wikipedias... just think of how many INTERNETS those wikipedias are all using. now why are these wikipedias so evil? heh heh heh... wouldn’t you like to know? just remember, anything you read on any of those wikipedias is true... guaranteed or your money back. oh wait, you didn’t pay anything? then good luck expecting any quality! next time pay more $$!!!

feeling depressed lately

i have been feeling pretty lousy lately. and my psychologist doesn’t even want to help me unless i pay his bills and show up to his appointments and follow his suggestions. basically, i am very very dissatisfied with my life, and basically dissatisfied with everything else too. i absolutely hate the way my life has turned out so far, and do not really see things getting any better in the future. i have asperger’s syndrome, which is apparently the same thing as high-functioning autism, or maybe not the same thing, depending on who you ask. so i don’t have social skills and can’t relate to other people and life is very difficult. it is very hard to make friends and i can’t get along with my parents even though i want to, and i don’t seem to ever have any success with the opposite sex, despite being very smart and good-looking and the nicest person ever. and it is very hard to get a good job because i am awful at job interviews, even though i have a degree from cornell with a double major in math and computer science, and was valedictorian, and i am a+ certified to fix computers. so i have a job, but i do not like it, not at all, not a bit. i hate working! i only had sex once, and did not like it that much, because i was not turned on enough to have an orgasm, since the whole thing was arranged in advance and it just seemed too fake and scripted, plus i was not attracted to my partner at all. i want to actually have sex that is good, by having it with someone i am attracted to, and actually having orgasms. and i have never had a girlfriend or anything like that. other people my age (some of them at least) are married and have kids! what the hell is up with that? it seems a lot of other people actually had sex when they were teenagers! pretty much everybody, in fact! that is why i hate myself so much, and oftentimes i wish i was never born, because i feel inferior to everyone else! now yes, i am a brilliant genius, but what the hell is intelligence anyway? it is merely a tool to be used, but in and of itself, it is nothing. intelligence serves no purpose if it is never applied to anything. and my intelligence is never applied to anything, despite the fact that i am probably smarter than 99.9% of people. instead my intelligence is like a tool that is left unused, out in a shed, forgotten about, gradually rusting away. i certainly used to be smarter than i am now! but i feel like my intelligence is draining away, like my brilliance and genius-level intellect are growing weaker and weaker every day. i have always been quite a miserable person and a complete pessimist, though. for quite a long time, i have had suicidal tendencies, although i have never actually attempted suicide. i am certain that if i actually attempted suicide, i would succeed, because i am not an idiot. if i decide i am going to do something, i want it to work, no ifs, ands, or buts. i do not like any uncertainty. that’s why it is hard for me to talk to girls or ask them out, because i do not like the uncertainty, plus just the subject of girls brings up such feelings of inferiority and patheticness that i just don’t even want to think about it most of the time. i mean, i do not see why someone would want to be around me if i am so miserable and pessimistic all the time. wouldn’t i just make everyone around me miserable too? so i have to act, and pretend not to be so miserable, which is even worse. why is it worse? because i am an honest person, and anything that is the least bit deceptive is completely abhorrent to me. i do not like the idea of pretending to be something i am not. but i cannot really relate to other people, since their lives are so much different from mine. i cannot see things from somebody else’s point of view, because i am not them, i am me. the very idea of seeing things from someone else’s point of view seems completely ludicrous to me. how on earth could i possibly expect to see things the way some other person does, unless i actually am that person, and have lived their life, and know firsthand what it is like to be them? that is the only way to possibly understand another person! to actually be them! oh, but people think they can understand each other anyway, or at least they try to. i have never actually seen this succeed, at least not in terms of me understanding anyone else, or anyone else understanding me. i have never understood anyone else, nor has anyone else understood me. often when i tell other people of my problems they have glib answers like “why don’t you just do this?” or other nonsense that completely belittles my problems and makes it seem like everything is my fault and that my problems are incredibly easy to solve. nobody seems to understand that whenever they suggest a change in my behavior, this does not make me feel better, but rather, makes me feel worse. i am not going to follow anyone’s advice! i do things the way i want to do them, not how other people tell me to do them. i am a creature of habit, and whenever i deviate from doing things the way i am used to doing them, i feel very anxious and apprehensive and it is just awful and i hate it. there are probably millions of things i could do, ways i could change my behavior, that would improve my life, but do i actually do any of them? yes, just a few. but most of them? hell no! it is simply not feasible! have you ever noticed how many fat people there are, or how many people there are who smoke cigarettes, or have other problems caused by their poor behavior patterns? you probably have some poor behavior patterns yourself, ones that cause problems for you! everyone does! we are all addicted to something, if not a drug, than perhaps, some sort of behavior or emotion. and i am a person whose overriding emotion in life is fear. fear is the most common emotion for me, the one that dominates my life, because i have an anxiety disorder, and i have panic attacks on a regular basis. and my anxiety causes a lot of physical changes in how my body operates, like it gives me diarrhea and gas, and it makes my hands feel tingly, and gives me chest pains sometimes, and makes me sweat profusely even when i am cold, and shiver when i am hot, oftentimes sweating and shivering at the same time. there is something called the “fight or flight response” that is activated in me every time i get panicky, and this happens to me all the time, so much so that it has become routine and i can deal with it perfectly fine since it has happened a million times before. but lately i have been eating a lot more food and gaining weight quite rapidly. i am now 10 pounds away from falling into the dreaded category of “obese” rather than my current categorization as “overweight”. and that was actually what the doctor said, like, a week ago, and i think i am even closer to being obese now. i should probably get more exercise, but i hate doing exercise. i hate the way exercise makes me feel. i hate how it exhausts me, the way it makes my muscles feel, the way it makes me breathe heavily, the way it makes my heart pound. so, i suppose light exercise is not as bad as vigorous exercise, which is the type i really hate. but, i am somewhat masochistic, and lots of times when i exercise, i deliberately do it vigorously, just to make myself miserable, because i know how much i hate it. and then after that i avoid exercising for a long time. i don’t know... i think i am just insane. and evil too. i am very evil. i mean, i just don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but myself. you can all go to hell for all i care. i only care about myself. i have enough problems of my own to deal with, why should i bother myself with caring about anybody else’s problems? that would only add even more to the problems that are burdening me. there is so much death and violence and destruction in this world, so many horrible things going on, that i simply cannot bother to care too much about it anymore, because if i did care about it, if i did feel badly for all of the people who have bad things happen to them, the pain and suffering would just be so overwhelming that it would be impossible for me to go on living for another nanosecond. now i realize that i am probably economically better off than most people in the world, and probably am much luckier, especially with my intelligence and good education and all. but really... who the fuck cares? my life sucks, and most other people also have lives that suck, apparently. most of them would do a much better job at living my life than i do, if they were gifted with the same talents as me, and given the same advantages (ignoring for the moment all of my disadvantages). but if you gave someone else my disadvantages, and none of my advantages... well they would probably be dead by now. at least i am still alive, and there is still (theoretically) some chance that my life will improve. actually, it is pretty much guaranteed that my life will improve, if you are from the school of thought that says that once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. being a pessimist, i tend to think that things always get worse, and then just when you think they are so bad that they could not possibly get any worse, they actually do get worse, in fact, much, much worse. maybe i am just completely batshit insane. i probably am. but for some reason, society has not seen fit to lock me up in an institution for the criminally insane. perhaps they should reconsider. who knows? i mean, when i watch movies, i tend to like the villains better than the heroes, even though the villains are such 2-dimensional evil personalities, and there never seems to be any logical explanation for their thirst for destruction. for some reason the villains in the movies just seem to be a hell of a lot cooler than the heroes, and then when the heroes finally defeat them in the end, i am kind of bummed out, because i was rooting for the evil side to win. i dunno. maybe i am just evil or something. i hope so. because evil people kick ass. lots of times the heroes have problems, just like i have problems, and it does not seem like they will be able to triumph over adversity, because the villains are so much more powerful. how lame! the heroes should just give up and let the evil villains triumph! that would be better! a hell of a lot more like reality, anyway... in the real world, the evil villains always triumph. i mean, lately, world leaders like george w. bush, mahmoud ahmadenijad, and hugo chavez have been in a sort of pissing match to see who is the evillest, and each of them is trying to out-evil the others. bush violates the laws and constitution and then wants congress to pass a new law legitimizing torture even though he justified war with iraq because saddam hussein had torture chambers and killed people. mahmoud ahmadenijad lies and says he only wants nuclear power plants, not nuclear weapons, and wants to wipe israel off the map, and says the holocaust never happened, all while aggressively pushing ahead with his nuclear weapons campaign, and conducting a p.r. offensive by having every major news outlet in the entire world get an interview with him. and hugo chavez goes around and buddies up with all the evillest dictators in the world, becoming best friends with them, to form an evil alliance against the united states, all because he read in some book by noam chomsky that the united states is an evil imperialist power, but hugo chavez is so dumb, he thinks noam chomsky is dead, and then when they interview noam chomsky, he says he likes hugo chavez and would like to meet him. craziness! but i just think the eviller you get, the more you kick ass. because as a pessimist, i see things getting worse all the time, and you might as well be in the driver’s seat, and be the one actively making things worse, rather than being the victim of someone else making things worse for you. i mean, the idea of things getting better, that is just laughable! ha ha! we thought things were better after the soviet union fell! yeah right! look what a mess things are now! at least back then, there were just 2 superpowers, and things were somewhat under control, since everyone either sided with one of them or with the other. now, everything is just f.u.b.a.r., or fucked up beyond all recognition. at least the prime minister of hungary gets it! he admitted to being a liar and not having any positive accomplishments, in all the years his party has been in power! now that is the kind of person we need in public office, the kind who screws things up completely, and then actually admits to it! that is the kind of politician to support! if only president bush would admit to being a shit-for-brains and completely screwing up everything in the entire world, then i could vote to re-elect him to a third term in 2008! at least i would be voting for someone honest for a change! why do we even bother punishing criminals and sending them to jail? we ought to just give them medals and awards, lavishing praise upon the most successful criminals! oh wait, that is what we do right now! sorry about the mix-up! anyway, life sucks and then you die! so does that make death good? no! death is even worse! death is so mind-bogglingly bad, horrible, awful, and terrible, it somehow makes life look good in comparison! the only people who enjoy death are already dead, and good riddance! they were idiots, because death is bad! smart people like good things and don’t like bad things! but i am a complete pessimist, so my view of reality is decidedly unamerican, as americans are an optimistic people! i do not even belong in the united states, what with my pessimism and all! why, pessimists like me ought to be locked up in guantanamo bay for treason! everyone must be happy and smiling, or you will be executed! that reminds me of borat, the #2 television reporter in kazakhstan! he has made a movie, and if it does not do well and make a profit, kazakhstan will execute him! that is a fact; i saw it in the movie trailer! i like borat very much, because i have a thing for former soviet republics. all the corruption, oppression, crime, poverty, and nuclear weapons being sold to the highest bidder... it is the way the entire world ought to be! humanity is destroying itself, and we are destroying this planet... so why not do it as quickly and efficiently as possible, if we are going down that road? get the job done, get it over with, so our planet can move on, and some hyperintelligent alien race can take over and clean up the mess our stupid species leaves behind! ha ha! as if aliens would even bother caring about a stupid planet like this! most aliens probably wouldn’t even come here on a bet! they probably just send naughty aliens here to punish them, using our planet as a prison, much like the british did with australia! that is probably where the human race comes from! our ancestors were the scum of all the other planets, the lowest of the low, and the aliens wanted to be rid of them, so they sent our ancestors here to earth! that also explains all the other species like animals, that are too dumb to even think! of course i am simply joking; i do not believe any of this. this lengthy diatribe is getting rather ridiculous at this point. anyway, i have been feeling depressed lately, but not all of the time. sometimes i am in fact happy, and enjoying things. my mood swings are quite odd. but it seems when i am in a bad mood, i am in a really, really, really, really bad mood. and then, a few hours later, for no apparent reason, i am feeling perfectly fine. it is so utterly bizarre. sometimes it just seems like all of my problems disappear and everything is fine. i suppose i just like to ignore reality, and avoid having to deal with things. that is my main strategy in coping with problems, actually. i just think that if i ignore something long enough, and avoid dealing with it, maybe it will go away and the problem will just somehow magically solve itself. when it comes to getting a girlfriend or getting laid, this avoidance tactic does not seem to work. i don’t exactly understand why. don’t girls all have psychic powers? why can’t they simply read my mind, and then out of the goodness of their hearts, proposition me for sex? of course i am being facetious, and simply spouting ridiculous nonsense. but at some level, that nonsense is the type of crap i have to actually believe, at a subconscious level, in order to justify my inaction, to justify how i avoid dealing with things. i have to not only avoid dealing with reality, but actually believe in things that are patently false, just in order to avoid complete despair. everything i do, i have to justify to myself, and somehow, even when i do something that is totally wrong or retarded, i find a way to justify that i acted the way i should have. and sometimes, the only way to justify things is to come up with ridiculous supernatural explanations for things, although, to be honest, i am fully aware of the fact that all supernatural mumbo-jumbo is entirely false, and this physical universe of matter and energy is all that exists, and the laws of the universe are unchanging and eternal. but reality is boring and dehumanizing and depressing, so why do we need to acknowledge it, anyway? what we believe is entirely irrelevant, as we are mortal beings that, according to the laws of the universe, are guaranteed to be completely destroyed at some point in the future. why must we have beliefs which are correct or correspond to reality, if these beliefs do not make us feel good? why not just believe in patently false supernatural crap, then? at some level, i think there is a case to be made for believing in things that are obviously false, but on another level, i think it does more harm than good, since it ruins our abilities to logically reason about things. logical reasoning is simply a tool to start with some basic assumptions or known facts, and use these to come to some conclusions, to actually figure some stuff out. but the conclusions are only valid if the assumptions are valid and if every step of the logical reasoning sequence is valid. in other words, the conclusions are hardly ever valid, because almost everyone messes up at least somewhere along the way; it is human nature to screw up, and our minds are hardwired to do that. so why even bother thinking, or wondering about anything, and why not just go out there and do things? why not just live? take action? avoid use of your mind’s capacity for reflective thought? that is how most people operate, but i am different. different on an almost fundamental level. my mind does not have an on/off switch; it is always on, always thinking about the great questions of philosophy, always thinking about my personal problems, always thinking about hot girls, always thinking about video games i want to play, always monitoring the status of my bodily processes and whether i am hungry, thirsty, need to go to the bathroom, need to sleep, or am having a panic attack and need to calm down. perhaps i worry too much about problems, and this may be the cause of anxiety. maybe i think too much. i suppose it helps that i am vocalizing my thoughts on this blog, because perhaps if someone reads them, someone might actually have something helpful and productive to say, something meaningful and profound, yet very applicable and useful. but i doubt anyone who reads this is that good at solving problems. strangely enough, i am excellent at solving problems, if they are the right type of problems, and if i focus on them one at a time and devote my full attention to only one of them at a time. but all too often i fall into the trap of worrying about a bunch of different problems at once, or worrying about a problem that i could not possibly fix at the time i am worrying about it (like certain problems can only be solved if you are at home, or in your car, or during certain times of the day, or in the presence of certain other people, etc.). and i lack the organizational skills to keep track of everything; i basically make a mess of everything and have no clue what is going on because i forget about things that are important. this is probably because i try to solve problems by avoiding them and pretending they do not exist. according to logic, if the assumptions i start with are the basic laws of the universe, it is a pretty obvious conclusion that problems do not magically solve themselves if you avoid doing anything about them. i do not know exactly how one would conclusively prove that as a theorem, but it is such an obvious truth that there is really no reason to prove it anyway. logic is simply a distraction, because it takes too long. the same is true of mathematics, which is another tool that is quite useful, but in and of itself, serves no purpose, except when it is applied to solve a problem that is within its realm. as a mathematician, i do actually enjoy mathematics to a certain extent, but that is precisely because it is a means of avoiding having to deal with reality, and instead i can think about abstract concepts that consume a sufficient amount of brain activity to distract me from my problems and make me feel better. but yeah, i am happy sometimes, actually. i am not always miserable. actually, i used to think i was like a robot and did not even believe i had emotions like other people. that was just what i thought when i was a little kid, back in elementary school or something. anyway i am going to get a doggy soon, probably. i went to the dog pound earlier this week and looked at the dogs, with my mom along too. and there was only one dog that had been there long enough to be available for adoption. the others were still waiting for owners to pick them up. anyway, cats are evil. they are the spawn of satan. i still have a cat scratch on my right hand from a few weeks ago and it has not healed yet. cats always seem to have problems with me, because i bother them too much. i keep coming up to them and trying to pet them even though they don’t want me around. basically, i do not care what they think, and want to pet them since they are cute-looking fuzzy animals, and eventually they get so pissed they attack me and i get scratched up. so i am kind of wary about hot girls, because they are probably even more vicious than cats, if you bug them too much. maybe if someone else actually liked me... but i do not see why anyone ever would like me. i mean, i don’t even like myself, so why would anyone else? but i do like small furry animals. it is odd that the squirrels and bunny rabbits are all so afraid of me, just like kittie cats. apparently small furry animals all suffer from anxiety disorders, and they get a fight-or-flight response when around humans that are much larger than them. maybe they need that to survive. i don’t know. but it would be nice if there were more small furry animals that liked to be around people and were not afraid of us, ones that could be kept as pets. there are all sorts of animals where i live. there are even groundhogs and deer that come into my backyard all the time. and so many types of birds and insects! i hate insects and spiders. i mass-murder insects and spiders all the time. just outside the entrance to where i work, i massacred 5 spiders about a week ago, and dismantled their elaborate spiderweb infrastructure. the spiders have not returned since then. but there are bats nearby. there are bats in the parking garage where i park my car when i go to work. i don’t like them; they are very creepy and annoying. and a lot of spiders on the ceiling, too. except i can’t reach the ceiling since it is like 20 feet above me. the bats are kind of small. they are hard to tell apart from large moths, especially for someone like me who has bad distance perception. it is hard for me to tell how far away something is, visually. i am third dimensionally disabled. so i was always bad at sports because of my dimensional disability; the 2-dimensional images from my 2 eyes would both combine into a single 2-dimensional image, and somehow the extra 3rd dimension would get lost in the process. i am getting better at this, luckily, especially since i started wearing glasses at age 18. i had been avoiding them earlier because i wanted to avoid taking on any of the stereotyped aspects of a nerd, such as having glasses. in high school, i was obsessed with trying not to fit into the role of a nerd, since i seemed to have all the characteristics of one. that might have been part of why i had no friends, since i did not want to be associated with anyone else who was unpopular, and tried to surround myself with people who were much much more popular than me, who would order me around and make me their slave. i had to help everyone who was popular cheat on tests and do their homework for them, and got nothing at all in return. i guess that was kind of dumb of me. and they got laid all the time and i didn’t. i sure hated high school. i even viewed being valedictorian negatively, i thought it was the ultimate dishonor, the biggest insult, that i was the biggest bookworm geek nerd dweeb egghead misfit loser, so much so that i wasted all my time doing my work and studying hard and getting the highest grades in all my classes. i tend to look at everything negatively. but i like dogs. they are stupid and do whatever you tell them, and can’t talk, and you can do pretty much anything to them and they won’t care, and will still love you unconditionally. in a way i wish people were a lot more like dogs. i know some dogs are bad-tempered and actually do care if you do certain things, like wake them up or mess with them when they are eating. but the dog i had, she was hardly ever upset by anything. that is the kind of dog i want, one that is never upset by anything, one that simply accepts things whatever happens, and who is friendly to everyone, even suspicious strangers. anyway, i was pleased to hear about the military coup in thailand, since i do not believe in democracy anymore. it would be nice to have a military coup in the united states of america. i am sure that the generals would do a better job running the country than our current civilian leadership. who else agrees with me? everyone? good! because anyone who does not will be executed for treason, once the generals take over in the military coup. and all the retired generals who have jobs as consultants for cnn and other news outlets? they would get their jobs back as generals, and become part of the military dictatorship. and the commander-in-chief? i think general wesley clark would do a good job as our military dictator. i mean, michael moore supported him in the 2004 democratic primaries, so he must be good. which general do you think would do the best job as our military dictator? think about it. then once we find out which general has the most public support, we can help organize mass public protests in favor of a military coup, and ending our stupid democracy once and for all. once we have a military dictatorship, our country will be unified, and all of the partisan bickering between democrats and republicans will become a thing of the past, once all political activity is outlawed and the entire nation is put under martian law. then when the martians come from outer space, our nation will graciously accept their leadership, and there will be a seamless transition, with martian law already in place. our alien space masters will prove adept at managing our affairs on this pathetic excuse for a planet we call earth, issuing command directives from martian headquarters, in the inner core of mars. hmm. maybe i should get a haircut or something. i want to go play video games or something. i wonder what is on tv. if i were a normal person, i would be out clubbing in an hour or two, and hook up with a hot girl and get laid. i wonder why i do not behave that way. why am i so reserved and cautious in my personal life? maybe because i am a big fatty fat fatass. i need to lose some weight, before i weigh so much that every building i enter suffers permanent structural damage. if i get too fat, every step i take would cause an earthquake, and when i spoke, hurricanes would come out of my mouth. whenever i took a crap, soon after, new islands would be discovered. if i sneezed, any birds flying in front of me would be launched into outer space. i would exhale so much carbon dioxide, my lungs would be responsible for 73% of global warming. anyway, talk to y’all later. keep it real. peace.