what a day!

well, i have been hired by google, and they will pay me a nice big salary to just sit at a computer and play minesweeper all day! i just met the most wonderful girl and we really hit it off together! i met her through google romance! awwww yeeeeah, i think we are going to get married soon! and my panic attacks have stopped completely, and i don’t think i really have asperger’s after all! oh and guess what? the clay mathematics institute called to congratulate me on my proof, which was reviewed by the world’s most eminent mathematicians and found to be entirely flawless, and they say they will make an exception to their rules about getting published in a peer-reviewed journal, and the check for a million dollars was put into the mail today and should arrive on monday! i have cleaned up my messy room, and now i keep everything neat and tidy and very well organized! i have switched to a healthy diet, with no more junk food, and i am getting plenty of good exercise, every day! and i have gotten back onto a normal schedule, getting up in the morning and going to sleep in the evening! plus, i have decided to stop being a liberal democrat and an atheist, and i have become a born-again christian conservative republican! george w. bush will go down in history as the greatest, most competent, smartest president ever! he is a strong leader, and i support him 100%! we need a grassroots conservative campaign to make sure those wealthy liberal elitists don’t steal the 2006 elections, the same way those bastards tried to do it in 2000 until the righteous u.s. supreme court showed those pinko hippie commies who supported the homosexual cyborg al gore the meaning of american justice. tom delay, michael scanlon, jack abramoff, scooter libby, and all those folks are innocent victims of activist judges and prosecutorial misconduct by elitist limosuine liberals from hollywood who have sex with dead alien-human hybrid fetuses infected with aids by the illegal space aliens from mexico who are originally from jupiter’s eurotrash moon europa! in other words, why don’t you look at the date this was published? april 1. hmm. something to think about. still... what a day! the things that have happened today are almost... unbelieveable. almost as if it were all some great cosmic joke by god, and i am the punchline. or maybe the joke is by me, and god is the punchline. but who is laughing now? nobody! because these words in todays april 1st blog post are absolut truth, and unquestionable! i mean absolut in the sense of the vodka that boris yeltsin drank so much of, he hired vladimir putin to run russia for him, not in the sense of the word absolute. so, maybe if you are totally drunk, you might not get it, and you might actually think what i said in today’s post is really true. which would be correct of you, because it is true! you see, the truthiness of a statement can only be evaluated within the context of some version of reality, unless the statement is a tautology or contradiction. so, if your version of reality is the correct april 1st version, everything should be true, within that version of reality. but on all other days of the year, reality operates differently, so i am afraid everything in this post will be false, the other 364 days of the year. some heathens may question the existence of a special version of reality that operates differently on only one day of the year, but, since it is april 1st, i can say that they are completely and utterly wrong. at least today they are. because today is a special day, a wonderful day, a day for celebration about what a wonderful job the republican party is doing running the united states government, and about how easy life is and how problems just magically solve themselves without requiring any effort! let us celebrate how, on this glorious day, the sunnis, shiites, and kurds of iraq have set aside all their differences and formed a unity government, and the insurgents have lain down their arms and pledged their loyalty to the government of the new iraq! and i hope that is the lesson that people learn from this: every problem magically solves itself without requiring any effort, if you simply wait until the date is april 1st and the fundamental nature of reality changes for 1 day. so if you missed out on it this year, start making plans for april 1st, 2007, because that is your next chance to deal with the real version of reality, the one we incorrectly think of as a big fat joke the rest of the year! i would like to thank all of the readers of this blog who have prayed for me, since it is only through divine intercession that these april 1st miracles could ever possibly all happen on the same day! and i would also like to express my gratitude to the followers of the prophet mohammad, peace be upon him, and their glorious religion of islam! despite being a christian fundamentalist, i have a deep and profound respect for all religions, especially islam, the religion of peace! the islamists such as those in al qaeda have done so much for us, with their message of peace, tolerance, and respect for other cultures, but what most impresses me is how they refuse to give into their baser instincts and become vengeful or hateful, and how they have maintained such a positive attitude towards the united states and our wonderful president! i can only hope that president bush returns the favor, and invites osama bin laden to the white house for a peace summit, to discuss their common agenda of confronting the zionist threat through nonviolent protest! i mean, the zionists are such a threat, what with their... umm... zionism and all! i certainly feel threatened! the letter z alone is enough to threaten me! am i the only person who has noticed that zionists are responsible for the creation of alien-human hybrids infected with aids to brainwash hollywood into making crappy movies? we are lucky the aliens performed abortions on most of the hybrid fetuses, in their flying saucers, something that is now illegal for flying saucers in south dakota’s airspace! but, there is less than an hour left in the day, and tomorrow, after things go back to normal, it will be too late for any of this! we have squandered another april 1st that could have been used to achieve great progress towards absurdity! and sadly, tomorrow, people will probably ridicule much of what was said or done today! what a shame! because april 1st is the one day of the year when people tell the truth, and tell it like it is, instead of just making up a bunch of bullshit like the rest of the year! i, for one, think we should declare april 2nd a national day of mourning, for the loss of the truth, which we only, ever so briefly, had, just for one day! but what a day it was! this day shall live in infamy!