bin laden craziness

so osama bin laden has a new tape out where - get this - he says that the west is waging war against islam. no duh. tell me something else that isn’t blatantly obvious. but here’s the really funny part. the evidence he uses to back up this claim. he says that since he heard the united states might send troops to sudan’s darfur region, and because the hamas government in palestine was diplomatically isolated by the rest of the world, both of these are evidence of a war against islam. helloooooooooooooo???? jesus tapdancing christ, what in the name of lucifer is osama bin laden smoking? is he on the crack? let’s talk about sudan’s darfur region. the sudanese government is run by islamic fundamentalists who have a real mean streak. they like to kill people. lots of people. basically they enjoy carrying out genocide against their own people. and what religion are these genocidal maniacs? islam, the religion of peace. what peace, you ask? well, the world will be a hell of a lot more peaceful after islam and nuclear weapons lead to the extinction of humanity... the animals sure as hell won’t fight armed conflicts and use depleted uranium munitions. anyway, about sudan... the genocide there is being done by crazy islamic arab bastards who ride around on horses and shoot at people with guns. they’ve been doing this shit there for like, 3 years or something. and the rest of the fucking world knew about this genocide THE WHOLE TIME, and what did we do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! i dunno exactly how many people they killed, but this is both a racial and a religious thing: the people being killed are blacks, and the murderers are arabs... also the killers are muslims, and the victims are dirty heathens just like most people in the world. by dirty heathens, i mean anyone who isn’t muslim, of course. i think they have killed a few hundred thousand people or something like that. and to be honest, the world did a tiny little bit of stuff for the people in darfur. the united nations and some charities and the african union have all helped out a little bit. they have helped out the victims. and guess who the security guards at the refugee camps are? that’s right, the crazy killers! the janjaweed militias, as they are called. the people whose job it is to keep the victims of the genocide safe are the very people who are carrying out the genocide. if i were an aid worker at one of those refugee camps, i would shoot dead every janjaweed motherfucker i see, i would blow those crazy genocidal bastards to bits. fuck that shit about aid organizations being nonviolent and not taking sides in a conflict. this is good versus evil, dammit! we have to kill the mass murderers to stop them from doing any more mass murdering. so anyway, osama bin laden is totally fine with all this genocide, and thinks it’s peachy keen (which also seems to be what the leaders of the rest of the world think, because actions speak louder than words, and nobody has done anything to stop it). and in fact, the very idea that anyone is even proposing doing anything to stop the fucking genocide, makes this lunatic think we aren’t just fighting terrorists like him, but the entire religion of islam and all 1 point something billion of them. first of all, we aren’t fighting the janjaweed or the sudanese government (although we should have declared war on those bastards, like, 3 years ago, and stopped them from killing people). secondly, if you think that stopping a mass murderer from killing people means attacking a “peaceful” religion of over a billion people... ok... maybe go see a shrink. now as for the isolation of hamas thing... umm... let’s see... hamas is a bunch of goddamn terrorists! osama bin laden claims the war against terrorism is also against other muslims who are not terrorists, but in the 2 examples he cites, the muslims that are under the attack of vague threats from the west actually ARE terrorists. i mean, shit, does this motherfucker even HAVE a brain inside his head? and if he is dumber than dirt, how the hell has dubya managed not to capture this moron and have him impaled on a sharpened stick? so, since the government has failed us, we as citizens must take up this fight. every man, woman and child needs to go out into the forest, and get a stick, and then find some kind of swiss army knife or similar cutting device, and use it to sharpen the stick. then, we need to carry our sharpened sticks with us at all times, in case we ever come across osama bin laden. eternal vigilance is the price of liberty! with any luck, sooner or later one of us will find the madman, and then impale him on the sharpened stick, succeeding where our incompetent government has failed. this is yet another example of how the private sector is more efficient than government. just look at how sudan’s genocide is more efficiently done by privately run militias that act on behalf of the government, rather than a uniformed, salaried professional military force. or how in iraq, the many militias there are much more efficient at killing people than the official iraqi government troops, whose main specialty seems to be GETTING killed by OTHER people. this just proves that we need to declare martian law and let everyone have their own private army if they can afford it. that’s right, martian law, because mars is the god of war, the red planet, who our troops must worship in heathen ceremonies if they want to win in battle with the blessing of a god from ancient rome. the 6 retired generals who criticized rumsfeld and want him to resign, it is time for each of them to start his own private army, and let’s see if they can do a better job than the official u.s. military! if any of those generals is a brilliant strategic military commander, they could easily chalk up some pretty amazing victories in iraq that would put the forces under rummy’s chain of command to shame! then our soldiers would be deserting in droves to go join the more successful, privately run military forces! see, according to the austrian school of thought in economics, EVERYTHING should be privatized, and i mean EVERYTHING. that includes postal service, schools, roads... even police. and, the austrian school of thought in economics is pretty popular these days among right-wing political hacks, so it must be true. how else could you explain the failure of the government to deal with hurricane katrina? according to the austrian school of thought in economics, it is not the government’s proper role to clean up after hurricane katrina; that is best left to the private sector, which is more efficient. so, rather than asking what went wrong or why our officials didn’t do more to help people, the real question we should be asking is, why did they even bother putting any effort at all or spending a single penny on helping people, if that is not the proper role of government? shouldn’t they have just declared that the government agencies they worked for are unconstitutional and are not the proper role for government, and then quit their jobs en masse without hiring replacements? that would be the proper, austrian economics response. and while austrian economists are indeed quite stupid, they are nowhere near as dumb as osama bin laden. any sensible person has got to realize that some things ARE better handled by government than the private sector, and that is the whole point of socialism; the point of capitalism, on the other hand, is to handle the other stuff, the stuff that the private sector is better at. and the point of the right-left divide and political debate is to decide where to draw the line between capitalism and socialism... which things to make government do, and which things to let anybody do. how does this relate to bin laden? well, it is ironic that the vast majority of republicans agree with having some degree of socialism (i.e., the military, police, intelligence agencies, transportation, maybe even the school system or the postal service). our socialized military is off fighting in iraq and afghanistan, and the civilian leaders in charge, bush and rumsfeld, are incompetent fools who have mismanaged the whole thing. if they had competition, if other people commanded other allied forces in the same war, and those other people had better strategies, maybe this competition would lead to some innovation in war-fighting strategies, and dinosaurs like bush and rummy would be left behind in the dust. so, we democrats ought to get off our asses, and start our own “shadow government”, a private entity, a corporation, whose purpose is to compete against the united states government in the same marketplace. this shadow government would only collect taxes from people who sign up to be customers, and they would be the only ones to receive benefits from all of its shadow government programs... and some of them would go off to fight in the shadow government’s wars. and of course, we would have our own shadow nuclear weapons. that way, that “other” government would leave us alone. eventually, we’d found our own independent nation, as a subsidiary of the corporation, and then we would buy out each of the states, one by one, and make them secede from the union. (i must admit that this idea is in part inspired by the immortal alex chiu.) and our privately run military would be the best in the world, and we would finally catch bin laden, and impale him on a sharpened stick, as promised. that would show the 1 point something billion peaceful muslims that aren’t terrorists that we mean business, and by business, we mean profit, and by profit, we mean lots of money, and by money, we mean, we are going to steal all of your oil in the middle of the night while you aren’t looking, and then you won’t have any more oil money to finance terrorism anymore. then al qaeda operatives will be in the streets begging for plutonium. oh, the irony...