Sunday, April 30, 2006

atheism under attack

well, atheism is under attack. that’s right, someone in the “mainstream media” badmouthed my belief system. rabbi gellman says atheists are angry, and think people are atheists because of traumatic events in their childhood. i’m not angry at him, of course; although he is spouting nonsense, it is just because he is a victim of religious brainwashing. he has no idea that the things he is saying are total crap. and he is trying to be nice and understanding towards atheists, which is good. and he says all sorts of ridiculous generalizations about atheists, which are really a large group of people. i know i have done the same thing about large groups of people too (like, i do that all the time), so that is excusable. but the most ridiculous part is, he thinks we are “threatened by the idea of god”. uhm. no. there is nothing about the idea of god that is in the least bit threatening. amusing, yes. ridiculous, yes. self-contradictory, very much so. but threatening? nope. and apparently ann coulter is coming out with a new book all about attacking atheists and liberals. whoop dee friggen doo. guess what bitch? atheism and liberalism are both correct, and YOU are WRONG! it would take forever to explain why liberalism is correct and conservatism is dead wrong, since there are so many different issues, but monotheism vs. atheism is easy. you see, there is something called “logic” that we can use to resolve issues like this.

proof 1) ooookay. so, basically, the issue that monotheists and atheists disagree on is “does god exist?” simple enough. but you have to define the word god first. so, let’s have a go at it, shall we? to avoid any sort of bias, i took the definition straight from “a being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and worship in monotheistic religions.” now, the 2 key words are omnipotent and omniscient. omnipotent means all-powerful and omniscient means all-knowing. if god is all-powerful, this means he is capable of doing anything that the human mind, or any other mind, could possibly conceive of him doing. and if he is all-knowing, this means he knows all information that could ever possibly exist. now, what about the passage of time? if god knows all information, he knows what will happen in the future, ahead of time. this is obvious. however, if he is all-powerful, this includes the power to do things differently than the way he predicted they would turn out. this is also obvious. now obviously, if he decides to do things differently than the way he predicted, this makes his predictions turn out to be wrong. oops! this is a contradiction, because god knows all and is perfect and infallible. the properties ascribed to god in his definition are inherently self-contradictory. no thoughtful, intelligent person can deny this. this proof is absolute and flawless, and proves without a doubt that god does not exist, if he is defined in such a way.

proof 2) but there are ways to weasel out of that. simply define god differently. or define omniscient or omnipotent differently. they say “god exists outside of time”, which is basically meaningless gibberish that shows how clueless they are, but that type of nonsense is enough to sustain some people’s faith. or someone could simply say that god would never do things any differently than the way he decided in advance, which means that god is essentially powerless for every moment of his existence except the first, because after that time he is forced to act exactly how he predicted in the previous moments. that would suck. so let us pretend for the sake of this second proof that the first proof is invalid or god does not fulfill that dictionary definition 100% and somehow finds a way to exist. now god is said to be the creator of the universe, and of everything that exists other than himself (and of course he is male). he is also said to be infinitely good, righteous, or merciful. yet there is evil and suffering in this world, not just a little, but a whole lot. in this world that god created. he created this world, knowing in advance about all the evil and suffering. he is the ultimate root cause of all evil and suffering. and if somebody is evil and goes to hell, this is god’s fault, because god knew even before this person was born exactly what would happen. in fact, satan was once an angel, and god created satan, too, with full knowledge of what would happen. all that exists, other than god, is a part of god’s creation. so, god is directly responsible for all evil and all suffering, and it happened because he wanted it to happen. he could have done things completely differently if he wanted to, and made things a perfect utopian paradise. but did he? no. and not only is he punishing us by making us live out our crappy little lives on this dying planet, but he will also punish those who happen to have the wrong beliefs, by sending them to hell for all eternity. even though god himself created each and every one of us and designed us so we would end up having those beliefs. so god is designing some (or many) of us to be hellbound heathens. or if you think people go to heaven or hell based not on their beliefs but on whether they are good or evil, the argument still holds true... he still designs each person to either be good and go to heaven, or be evil and go to hell. but evil or heathenous people are not responsible for their beliefs or actions. god is! he made them that way, knowing in advance everything that would happen. so it is immoral to punish them for god’s sins. that would be like punishing every soldier in the nazi army but letting adolf hitler get off scott-free. if we are the puppets and he is the puppeteer, shouldn’t he be held responsible for our actions? some people contend that free will and determinism are compatible, but that is patently ridiculous. there is no way people could possibly have free will in a deterministic system. it is plain as day, as obvious as gravity. so, since the determinism caused by god’s existence reduces us to his pawns with no free will who he willy-nilly decided what to do with in an immoral fashion, god cannot exist, because this defies the simple maxim “god is good”. the only way around this is if god is evil, in which case, there is absolutely no reason anyone should bother worshipping him. thus concludes my second proof.

proof 3) okay, let us start out with the premise that the last 2 proofs are wrong, so we can pretend god’s existence is not self-contradictory. this proof regards the trinity, not the existence of god. here is the doctrine of the trinity, from “1. that god is one, and that there is but one god 2. that the father is a distinct divine person (hypostasis, subsistentia, persona, suppositum intellectuale), distinct from the son and the holy spirit. 3. that jesus christ was truly god, and yet was a person distinct from the father and the holy spirit. 4. that the holy spirit is also a distinct divine person.” this doctrine is complete and utter nonsense. translated into mathematics, it says 1 = 3. rubbish! either there is one god, or there is no god, or there is more than one god. the trinity says there is a father, a son, and a holy ghost. fine! so then there are 3 gods! but then the doctrine says they are all the same, even though it also says they are all distinct and separate! which is it?!? are they the same entity, or are they separate, distinct entities? the doctrine of the trinity tries to have it both ways, which is a logical contradiction. almost all christian denominations believe in this ridiculous doctrine of the trinity, despite the fact that it is so blatantly self-contradictory that any idiot can see how it is nonsense if it is explained to them properly. another thing that is really weird about the trinity is, if it is the holy ghost who impregnated the virgin mary with jesus, then how can the “father” claim to be the “father”? the holy ghost is the REAL father. the entity which is called the “father” is really not a father at all, because he is not the one who impregnated the virgin mary, so how COULD he be the father? and another problem... what about back BEFORE the virgin mary got impregnated with jesus? weren’t there only 2 elements of the trinity then, because jesus did not exist yet? and why on earth must there be a separate holy ghost and father anyway?!? it makes no sense! if christianity is supposed to be a form of monotheism, christians should really only believe in one god! yet they worship three! clearly this is an example of worshipping false idols, because the old testament says that there is but one god, and if you worship any other god you are worshipping a false idol. so, christianity, with its polytheistic trinity doctrine, is really not monotheistic at all.

proof 4) this is another proof that god does not exist, and this one requires that quantum physics is true (which has been experimentally proven on countless occasions). one of the principle parts of quantum theory is the heisenberg uncertainty principle, which states that you cannot know exactly what the location or momentum of any particle is, and the more accurately you know one of those attributes, the less accurately you know the other. since that time, quantum theory has developed to the point where they have realized that all quantum attributes occur in pairs of opposite attributes, where the better you know the value of one attribute, the less you know the other. we can consider this as being a “range of freedom” for each particle. particles do not like being measured, and whenever a particle has one of its attributes measured, it rebels against this, by changing its properties such that the conjugate attribute is muddled up a bit (there is more muddling up if the measurement has more precision, and vice versa). now some people, when they hear about this, think “aha! so measurement is fundamentally flawed, and we can never truly find out what attributes a particle possesses! but of course it possesses inherent attributes that actually have real values prior to being measured!” but no. no no no no no. that is not how quantum physics works at all. it has been experimentally proven that particles can become waves and have indeterminate values for their attributes, which only take on fixed values when measured. this is known as “wavefunction collapse”. a famous thought experiment based on this is called “schrödinger’s cat”. anyway, those quantum physicists have basically proved that the real world does not exist, unless you make really bizarre assumptions that totally contradict what 99% of people assume is true about reality. the only way out, the only way that an omniscient god could exist, is if the correct theory is a nonlocal hidden variable theory, according to bell’s theorem. and, while nonlocal hidden variable theories haven’t really been disproven, most people in quantum physics don’t believe in them. anyway, god’s existence is only compatible with quantum physics if the interpretation of quantum physics that is chosen is a nonlocal hidden variable theory. and there is a very famous nonlocal hidden variable theory that a physicist named david bohm came up with, and it is the most popular nonlocal hidden variable theory. oh but here is the good part: it really does contradict god’s existance, i think. yeah, that’s right, i just changed my mind about that in the last sentence. you see, according to einstein’s theory of relativity, information cannot travel faster than the speed of light. in any “nonlocal” theory, there is stuff that goes faster than the speed of light, but it is not “information”, nor is it “matter” or “energy”. it is “causality”... the origin of so-called “randomness”. in a nonlocal hidden-variable theory, cause and effect is something that can travel instantly from anywhere in the universe to anyplace else in the universe, and all events are deeply interconnected by a hidden web of causality so complicated that all we can ever perceive of it is “randomness”. but this cause and effect is secret, and it is not information. it is transmitted in such a fucked up way that it is impossible for any sentient being to figure it out, even impossible for god. because if god broke that rule, it would disprove the theory of relativity, and it would destroy the very structure of the space-time continuum, which is based around the speed of light being the maximum speed for everything in the universe. the universe is a closed system, by definition, yet god, as its creator, sits outside the universe, unable to interfere at all. if he interfered, it would violate all the laws of physics. and whether your quantum interpretation is a nonlocal hidden-variable theory like david bohm’s, the everett many-worlds interpretation, the copenhagen interpretation, or any other, they all contradict god’s existence. which is why the vast majority of quantum physicists are atheists. just consider 2 photons that are connected by “quantum entanglement” of their polarization, and they have opposite polarization. measure the polarization of one, and the polarization of the other must be the opposite. but, god doesn’t know the polarization of either, because if he did, this would disrupt the experimental results. experimentally physicists have found that they can measure things that have never been measured or observed before, not by anyone, even god. such as the polarization of a photon in that experiment. another experiment, called the double slit experiment, proves that there is no god that actively observes everything in this universe, because if god did do that, it would yield different results than what they got. anyway, this has been too much of a diversion into physics, away from theology.

so my main point: the idea of god does not scare me in the slightest. i have thought a lot more about the idea of god than most people, and while i find it very interesting and thought-provoking, it is still clear to me that god simply cannot possibly exist. so i wish people would stop going around claiming that god said this or that, and that they can do whatever the hell they want because god told them to and they are acting on god’s behalf. god is used to justify all sorts of crazy things, like the 9/11 attacks. god is used as a crutch by intellectually lazy people who don’t want to have to think about anything. but if people 2,000 years ago knew so damn much, how come they did not have electricity or any of the modern conveniences? why should we read the so-called “holy scriptures” written by prehistoric neanderthal types who didn’t know anything? people who thought the earth was flat, and all sorts of other rubbish that modern science has disproved. why do people still cling to creationism, when evolution has all the answers? it’s just weird... i think most people are stupid. to quote j.r. “bob” dobbs, “you know how dumb the average person is? well, by definition, half of 'em are even dumber than THAT.” now, to be fair, in its january 1, 2000 issue, a time magazine internet-based poll named j.r. “bob” dobbs the #1 "phoney or fraud" of the 20th century, so you have to take everything he says with a grain of salt. but, i think i will keep him as my short duration personal savior (or shordurpersav in the original tibetan) for the time being, because his exploits are so legendary.

Friday, April 28, 2006

death to firefox! long live opera!

alright, mozilla firefox seems to be sorely lacking in terms of its web standards support. not only does it fail the acid2 test, it even fails the original acid test! internet explorer 6 passes the original acid test, so it is arguably more standards compliant than mozilla firefox! *gasp* try the tests out for yourself. now, you might be asking yourself, i thought firefox was the best browser ever, how could this be? WRONG. the only web browsers that pass the acid2 test are safari, konqueror, icab, and opera. for the good version of safari, you need mac os x 10.4.x. icab, like safari, is also a mac-only browser. and konqueror is only for linux users that use the kde desktop instead of gnome. what about the 99.9% of people who use microsoft windows? isn’t there a web browser for them that passes the acid2 test and is standards compliant? why, yes, there is, but there is only one web browser that meets these exacting standards. and this browser is also cross-platform, for linux and mac os peeps to join in on the fun. opera 9.0 beta. yes, it is only beta software, not yet stable, still has bugs, it might crash your computer, make it burst into flames, and send spam email to aliens in outer space. but at least it can properly display the smiley face that you see when your browser passes the acid2 test! try getting that from internet explorer 7 beta 2 or mozilla firefox i think not! so, from now on, everyone who reads this blog is LEGALLY REQUIRED to be using opera 9.0 beta. if you don’t use it, the punishment will be absolutely nothing, except the fact that you will wallow in your own misery and ineptitude. you won’t get to use widgets or mouse gestures or any of those other neat operatic features. and that, dear phrends, is punishment enough. now, you may have heard that there is a build of firefox that passes the acid2 test, but unfortunately, it is only an experimental modified 3rd-party build, and it isn’t even available to the public, and it still looks like it will be a long time before mozilla fixes this bug in firefox. here, for your bafflement, is the acid2 test and its reference rendering, encapsulated onto this blog using the magic of “iframes”. both sides should look the same if your browser passes the test.

now you may have noticed that you can use your mouse’s scroll wheel on the left iframe to mess it up in opera 9 beta, a bug which is not present in internet explorer or firefox. this is because it is still a beta version, and hopefully when the final release of 9.0 comes out, it will be fixed. it should be noted that konqueror and icab also had this same problem back when they announced they passed the acid2 test, so opera is not alone in this; safari is the only browser that actually did perfectly on the acid2 test when they announced it. the latest versions of konqueror and icab have it fixed so everything is perfect like in safari, so opera has just a little catching up left to do. in internet explorer, there is a much worse bug, where it doesn’t even display the correct page for the left iframe. but what would you expect from microsoft? quality? yeah right... but at least internet explorer passes the original acid test. firefox’s abject failure on that test can be traced directly to its usage of the inferior gecko rendering engine, which it inherited from the inferior browser netscape 6. the gecko rendering engine has improved a whole lot since netscape 6, and had many advancements and improvements, but unfortunately it still has quite a ways to go in terms of standards compliance. as the developer of the experimental modified version of firefox that passes the acid2 test noted, he had to make a whole lot of big fundamental changes in the source code, which might cause other things to stop working. the fact that firefox has so many extensions means that its developers have to play with kid gloves when they modify code, so as not to break anything. but firefox’s failure to pass the original acid test, which came out in 1997, is simply PATHETIC. they’ve had NINE YEARS to fix that bug in the gecko rendering engine, and STILL haven’t done JACK SQUAT! and to think, i have used firefox for 99% of my web browsing for the last 2 and a half years! what was i THINKING? everybody should use opera, unless you have mac os 10.4.x, in which case you should use safari. it’s about time to use a REAL web browser, not some piece of crap code job done by MICROSOFT (internet explorer 7 = complete garbage... M$ can take their activex controls and shove it) or AOL TIME WARNER (the people who started the so-called “mozilla foundation” that made firefox using netscape 6’s buggy source code... netscape was crap ever since ao-hell bought it out). it’s time to use OPERA. well, unless you have safari... but i don’t trust apple. they make ipods, which are a sham, and they recently switched from using powerpc cpus to using inferior intel cpus for their macintosh computers (if they had any brains they would have used amd cpus instead). and apple’s new “boot camp” program requires you to get windows xp, and doesn’t support linux. what a bunch of sellouts! so use OPERA. it’s from norway, dammit. a superior browser from the icy cold north of europe. just remember, it takes awhile for the file to melt after you download it, since the server is pretty much on the north pole.

update: i’ve only been using opera for a few hours and i already can’t stand it. i am so much in the habit of using mozilla firefox, i simply can’t stand using anything else. opera doesn’t duplicate the functionality of any of my favorite extensions, and i’ve realized why mozilla firefox is reluctant to embrace official web standards: firefox aims to properly display web sites that actually exist, made by fallible humans whose html and css coding contains errors. opera, instead, aims to strictly adhere to the official web standards put forth by the w3c (world wide web consortium). the reason firefox fails the original acid test is, firefox’s developers think that the w3c’s official rules for a few things, like the part that the original acid test is about, are stupid. i should also point out that there is an obvious conflict of interest involving opera, the w3c, and both acid tests: håkon wium lie, chief technology officer of opera software, is also one of the main authors of both acid tests, as well as the w3c specifications that those tests are designed around. in fact, he invented cascading style sheets, which is the main thing both of the tests are testing. so a top executive from opera actually helped make these rules and make these tests, in such a way as to ensure that his browser comes out on top. firefox, internet explorer, and all the other browsers, on the other hand, seem to have been completely shut out of this conspiracy. icab and konqueror are just copycats who followed safari’s lead, but the really interesting thing is how fast apple was able to make safari pass the acid2 test, even though i don’t think apple was involved in this w3c-opera conspiracy. anyway, i am back to using firefox, since i can’t stand using anything else.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

renaming this blog

ok, i am renaming this blog to “numinous ubiquity”. and hopefully my name will also show up as numinous ubiquity. that will make this thing more anonymous. the url might be changing to this will hopefully end all of the vicious allegations that i am a real live person with an actual identity. instead, i shall merely subsist as some sort of internet entity, like maybe i am a computer program or a robot or an alien or a really smart monkey who can type. this won’t change the fact that i am a real live person, of course. but, hopefully it will confuse the pink boys who work for the conspiracy, and help me get enough slack so that i can become a subgenius like j.r. “bob” dobbs, my short duration personal savior. for more information on how you can become a subgenius and fight the conspiracy, click here for the sacred teachings of j.r. “bob” dobbs and reclaim your lost yeti heritage. got slack? if you don’t, you will be subject to the stark fist of removal. by the way, if you are wondering what “numinous ubiquity” means, i would define it as “a mystical, ineffable, omnipresent quintessence”, or, in layman’s terms “something mysterious, perhaps magical or supernatural, and impossible to explain in words yet very profound, which seems to be everywhere at once, even though it is unclear whether or not it even exists, something which is the purest and most complete example of anything that fits this description”. in other words, this is a reference to j.r. “bob” dobbs, who is pictured below.

the one true dobbshead

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

stop lurking and comment already

why is it that i have only gotten 1 comment so far on this blog? i know there are peeps that read this (hi mom and dad) so why hasn’t anyone commented on the stuff i said? like, come on everybody, post some comments already... if you read my blog regularly and never comment, that is called “lurking”, and lurking is not cool. i want some feedback, which is why i allow ANYONE to comment, even if they aren’t a member of all ya need to do is something called “word verification” which is easy and the point of it is to prove you are a human being and not a computer program (since computer programs are too stupid to do word verification). that is just to prevent spam (ya know, stuff like “get viagra cialis xanax cheap canadian ph@rm4c7” or “free stock tips - rapidly growing australian mining company set for exponential growth in the short term” or “hey cutie cum check out my site :) x0x0x0x” or “i am the widow of former nigerian finance minister jgsfhvbsz areradhadfh and have 60 million u.s. dollars which i need you to deposit in a swiss bank account, and you will get to keep half” or “this is the newest edition of the newsletter that is full of useful tips on how to send out lots of spam, to unsubscribe, send a blank email to” or “should the united states nuke iran?!?!?!?!? answer our free online poll and you may win a free hummer h3 suv!!!!”). if you want to start a “flame war” in the comments section, though, be careful, because when you play with fire you might get burned. anyway, i want to see how many people actually read this thing, so please leave a comment if you read this post. all comments must be exactly 500 words and address the following essay topic: “why this essay i am writing is pointless and stupid”. well ok, your comment can actually be whatever number of words you want and cover any topic; i was just trying to be funny (unsuccessfully i might add). i will only delete comments that i feel like deleting, and i will decide which ones to delete by using a magic 8 ball and conducting a séance to summon the undead spirit of john lennon to give me guidance from beyond the grave. john lennon’s ethereal ghostly presence will tell me whether there are any posts that are too offensive, or not offensive enough, to merit deletion.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

bin laden craziness

so osama bin laden has a new tape out where - get this - he says that the west is waging war against islam. no duh. tell me something else that isn’t blatantly obvious. but here’s the really funny part. the evidence he uses to back up this claim. he says that since he heard the united states might send troops to sudan’s darfur region, and because the hamas government in palestine was diplomatically isolated by the rest of the world, both of these are evidence of a war against islam. helloooooooooooooo???? jesus tapdancing christ, what in the name of lucifer is osama bin laden smoking? is he on the crack? let’s talk about sudan’s darfur region. the sudanese government is run by islamic fundamentalists who have a real mean streak. they like to kill people. lots of people. basically they enjoy carrying out genocide against their own people. and what religion are these genocidal maniacs? islam, the religion of peace. what peace, you ask? well, the world will be a hell of a lot more peaceful after islam and nuclear weapons lead to the extinction of humanity... the animals sure as hell won’t fight armed conflicts and use depleted uranium munitions. anyway, about sudan... the genocide there is being done by crazy islamic arab bastards who ride around on horses and shoot at people with guns. they’ve been doing this shit there for like, 3 years or something. and the rest of the fucking world knew about this genocide THE WHOLE TIME, and what did we do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! i dunno exactly how many people they killed, but this is both a racial and a religious thing: the people being killed are blacks, and the murderers are arabs... also the killers are muslims, and the victims are dirty heathens just like most people in the world. by dirty heathens, i mean anyone who isn’t muslim, of course. i think they have killed a few hundred thousand people or something like that. and to be honest, the world did a tiny little bit of stuff for the people in darfur. the united nations and some charities and the african union have all helped out a little bit. they have helped out the victims. and guess who the security guards at the refugee camps are? that’s right, the crazy killers! the janjaweed militias, as they are called. the people whose job it is to keep the victims of the genocide safe are the very people who are carrying out the genocide. if i were an aid worker at one of those refugee camps, i would shoot dead every janjaweed motherfucker i see, i would blow those crazy genocidal bastards to bits. fuck that shit about aid organizations being nonviolent and not taking sides in a conflict. this is good versus evil, dammit! we have to kill the mass murderers to stop them from doing any more mass murdering. so anyway, osama bin laden is totally fine with all this genocide, and thinks it’s peachy keen (which also seems to be what the leaders of the rest of the world think, because actions speak louder than words, and nobody has done anything to stop it). and in fact, the very idea that anyone is even proposing doing anything to stop the fucking genocide, makes this lunatic think we aren’t just fighting terrorists like him, but the entire religion of islam and all 1 point something billion of them. first of all, we aren’t fighting the janjaweed or the sudanese government (although we should have declared war on those bastards, like, 3 years ago, and stopped them from killing people). secondly, if you think that stopping a mass murderer from killing people means attacking a “peaceful” religion of over a billion people... ok... maybe go see a shrink. now as for the isolation of hamas thing... umm... let’s see... hamas is a bunch of goddamn terrorists! osama bin laden claims the war against terrorism is also against other muslims who are not terrorists, but in the 2 examples he cites, the muslims that are under the attack of vague threats from the west actually ARE terrorists. i mean, shit, does this motherfucker even HAVE a brain inside his head? and if he is dumber than dirt, how the hell has dubya managed not to capture this moron and have him impaled on a sharpened stick? so, since the government has failed us, we as citizens must take up this fight. every man, woman and child needs to go out into the forest, and get a stick, and then find some kind of swiss army knife or similar cutting device, and use it to sharpen the stick. then, we need to carry our sharpened sticks with us at all times, in case we ever come across osama bin laden. eternal vigilance is the price of liberty! with any luck, sooner or later one of us will find the madman, and then impale him on the sharpened stick, succeeding where our incompetent government has failed. this is yet another example of how the private sector is more efficient than government. just look at how sudan’s genocide is more efficiently done by privately run militias that act on behalf of the government, rather than a uniformed, salaried professional military force. or how in iraq, the many militias there are much more efficient at killing people than the official iraqi government troops, whose main specialty seems to be GETTING killed by OTHER people. this just proves that we need to declare martian law and let everyone have their own private army if they can afford it. that’s right, martian law, because mars is the god of war, the red planet, who our troops must worship in heathen ceremonies if they want to win in battle with the blessing of a god from ancient rome. the 6 retired generals who criticized rumsfeld and want him to resign, it is time for each of them to start his own private army, and let’s see if they can do a better job than the official u.s. military! if any of those generals is a brilliant strategic military commander, they could easily chalk up some pretty amazing victories in iraq that would put the forces under rummy’s chain of command to shame! then our soldiers would be deserting in droves to go join the more successful, privately run military forces! see, according to the austrian school of thought in economics, EVERYTHING should be privatized, and i mean EVERYTHING. that includes postal service, schools, roads... even police. and, the austrian school of thought in economics is pretty popular these days among right-wing political hacks, so it must be true. how else could you explain the failure of the government to deal with hurricane katrina? according to the austrian school of thought in economics, it is not the government’s proper role to clean up after hurricane katrina; that is best left to the private sector, which is more efficient. so, rather than asking what went wrong or why our officials didn’t do more to help people, the real question we should be asking is, why did they even bother putting any effort at all or spending a single penny on helping people, if that is not the proper role of government? shouldn’t they have just declared that the government agencies they worked for are unconstitutional and are not the proper role for government, and then quit their jobs en masse without hiring replacements? that would be the proper, austrian economics response. and while austrian economists are indeed quite stupid, they are nowhere near as dumb as osama bin laden. any sensible person has got to realize that some things ARE better handled by government than the private sector, and that is the whole point of socialism; the point of capitalism, on the other hand, is to handle the other stuff, the stuff that the private sector is better at. and the point of the right-left divide and political debate is to decide where to draw the line between capitalism and socialism... which things to make government do, and which things to let anybody do. how does this relate to bin laden? well, it is ironic that the vast majority of republicans agree with having some degree of socialism (i.e., the military, police, intelligence agencies, transportation, maybe even the school system or the postal service). our socialized military is off fighting in iraq and afghanistan, and the civilian leaders in charge, bush and rumsfeld, are incompetent fools who have mismanaged the whole thing. if they had competition, if other people commanded other allied forces in the same war, and those other people had better strategies, maybe this competition would lead to some innovation in war-fighting strategies, and dinosaurs like bush and rummy would be left behind in the dust. so, we democrats ought to get off our asses, and start our own “shadow government”, a private entity, a corporation, whose purpose is to compete against the united states government in the same marketplace. this shadow government would only collect taxes from people who sign up to be customers, and they would be the only ones to receive benefits from all of its shadow government programs... and some of them would go off to fight in the shadow government’s wars. and of course, we would have our own shadow nuclear weapons. that way, that “other” government would leave us alone. eventually, we’d found our own independent nation, as a subsidiary of the corporation, and then we would buy out each of the states, one by one, and make them secede from the union. (i must admit that this idea is in part inspired by the immortal alex chiu.) and our privately run military would be the best in the world, and we would finally catch bin laden, and impale him on a sharpened stick, as promised. that would show the 1 point something billion peaceful muslims that aren’t terrorists that we mean business, and by business, we mean profit, and by profit, we mean lots of money, and by money, we mean, we are going to steal all of your oil in the middle of the night while you aren’t looking, and then you won’t have any more oil money to finance terrorism anymore. then al qaeda operatives will be in the streets begging for plutonium. oh, the irony...

Friday, April 21, 2006

time to resign

iraq’s prime minister, ibrahim al-jaafari, has resigned, like he should have done long ago. white house press secretary scott mcclellan and white house chief of staff andrew card both resigned, both of which were long overdue. so... it is time for someone else to resign. who? why, none other than the king of nepal, king gyanendra. he leads a tiny little country, yet over 100,000 protestors came out to protest his rule the other day, and his troops shot 3 of these peaceful protestors dead. king guyanendra has been practicing the autocratic rule of an absolute monarch for 14 months, ever since he declared a state of emergency and dissolved parliament. every single political party, along with the maoist rebel army, are all united against him, and he has virtually no support from anyone. time is running out for the king of nepal, and if he doesn’t act soon, there is a good chance his country may become a communist stronghold. that is why he needs to resign now, and as his last act, put in place democratic elections in the very near future, and in the interim, pass rule back to the parliament that he dissolved 14 months ago. then, i suggest he leave the country a.s.a.p. and go into exile somewhere else, for his own safety. otherwise, there is a good chance he will end up dead and the communists will be in charge. the only hope for nepal is democracy, and that means no more king.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

the “jewish lobby”

so, 2 of the most prominent american political scientists recently published a paper about how the so-called “jewish lobby” has undue influence in washington, d.c... how ridiculous can you get? of course the jews don’t have any influence in american politics! how could they? it’s not like they have set up any jewish organizations to lobby government officials... that is just an anti-semitic conspiracy theory. no jew would ever engage in such an unethical and corrupt activity as lobbying. it would be sacrelidge! like it says in the book of exodus “and then a man came to aaron, representing wealthy business interests, and asked him to change the 10 commandments in exchange for some money. aaron took the money and was about to comply with the man’s request, when his brother moses suddenly showed up. then moses told aaron that this man should be stoned to death, in the name of god, and so it was done. aaron apologized for taking the bribe, and asked moses if he could keep the money. moses said no, but aaron kept the money anyway, because he was a corrupt hypocrite. later on, after aaron and moses were both dead, moses went to heaven, whereas the heathen aaron burnt in hell for all eternity. obviously, the man who gave aaron the bribe also burnt in hell for all eternity, too. i mean, duh.” now some people have pointed out that jack abramoff is an orthodox jew, and there seems to be some sort of lobbying organization called “aipac”, which is closely allied with israeli right-wingers who utterly reject the idea of peace through negotiations, and want to impose a “military solution”. while those people are technically correct, it is better for us to avoid mentioning inconvenient truths. let us not complain about those naughty jews like senator joe lieberman who go around advocating war and destruction and legitimizing president bush’s misrule. instead, we should commmemorate good jews, like senator russ feingold, or the late senator paul wellstone, who fought the good fight. neither of those senators voted in favor of war with iraq, and russ feingold was the only senator to vote against the blatantly unconstitutional patriot act. paul wellstone was the only progressive voice in the senate, and that was why he had to die, because he was too dangerous to the system. yes, it is true, many warmongering neocon chickenhawks are jewish, but there are also many left-wing peace activists who are jewish, so things sort of cancel out. so, although aipac and other organizations like it deserve to be loudly condemned (especially now that they are advocating war with iran), we must never make the mistake of thinking that organizations like aipac actually represent the viewpoints of most jews. this is simply a big fat lie. aipac does not represent anyone except those people who are members of aipac. and while they do have undue influence over both political parties, at least aipac has been investigated by the fbi for its criminal activities and had two of its top leaders arrested. and, luckily, their closest ally in congress, tom delay, is now retiring from congress so he can spend some time in jail. aipac deserves to be condemned, unquestionably. i mean, when left-wing governments that favored peace were in power in israel, aipac advocated rejectionist policies, rejecting the oslo accords and the very notion of negotiating a peace settlement with the palestinians. and aipac has done covert espionage against the united states government. they have no loyalty to the united states, whatsoever... all they care about is israel, and they don’t even respect the results of democratic elections in israel unless it suits their warmongering agenda. aipac is absolutely indefensible, and their 65,000 members ought to be ashamed of themselves. they accuse anyone who criticizes them or the actions of israeli soldiers or any israeli policy of “anti-semitism”, using that as a trump card to put themselves above criticism. now, this paper that these 2 political scientists put out recently, criticising aipac and the pro-israel lobbyist, has attracted a torrent of criticism, all of it from treasonous anti-american warmongering traitors. it is not in the best interests of the united states of america to let a foreign country dictate our foreign policy. why do you think muslims hate us and al qaeda attacked us on 9/11? it is all because of groups like aipac! they are the ones who manipulated us into having a counter-productive foreign policy in the middle east, by bribing and threatening and manipulating our corrupt, immoral government officials. the pro-israel lobbyists have very close ties to the neoconservatives who embraced this notion of preemptive war against muslim nations. just one example of these close ties is a paper written by richard perle, douglas feith, and others, for benjamin netanyahu, called “a clean break”, which advocated having israel reject all peace treaties with the palestinians and use military force against innocent civilians to impose its will, under the philosophy of “might makes right”. and guess who richard perle and douglas fieth ended up working for? george w. bush! richard perle was also part of the infamous project for a new american century, and douglas feith was part of another traitorous israeli 5th column group called the jewish institute for national security affairs (jinsa). this is why, from time to time, defenders of the neocons assert that “neocon” and “neoconservative” are anti-semitic insults directed at jews which seem to assert some sort of grand conspiracy theory. but this is not a conspiracy... conspiracies are hidden from the public, secretive. these people loudly and proudly proclaim their loyalty to israel, in public view, and just use the label “anti-semite” to tar anyone who dares attack their reputations. it is time for us to stop letting these hooligans use this rhetorical trump card to have their way with us. these are the people who arranged for denise majette to replace cynthia mckinney in congress, because cynthia mckinney kept pointing out what they were doing. but cynthia mckinney is back, and she is kicking ass and taking names. she got rid of denise majette, and you are next! and don’t you dare make fun of her hairdo! while others can play the anti-semite card, she can play the race card, and use it to smack the neocons upside the face. open up a can of whoop-ass! the pro-israel lobby is going down. so read that paper by the 2 political scientists, the one that harvard is ashamed of, the one that alan derschowitz has condemned as baseless anti-semitic propaganda. one of its authors is a dean and a professor at harvard’s kennedy school of government, and the other is a professor at the university of chicago, and they are both widely respected scholars of political science. read it and weep for the pro-israel lobby. you want the truth? you can’t handle the truth! so while the warmongering traitors advocate war with iran, you can be 1 step ahead of the curve, finding out about how they owe their loyalty to a foreign country and have no decency or respect for human rights or any morals whatsoever. does this mean we shouldn’t be allied with israel? of course not! but we certainly shouldn’t let THEM tell US what to do! we are the dog, and they are the tail, and we are certainly not going to let the tail wag the dog. there has been far too much of that lately. it is time to restore the proper order to things, and put us back in charge, and make israel do what we say, instead of letting them make us do what they say. then, we will be back on track, well on the way towards complete global domination.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

some thoughts on illegal immigrants

well, lately there has been a lot of controversy over illegal immigrants, and this is not really one of the issues i care that much about. mostly i care about the theocratization of politics and the dire need to re-secularize our politics like they were prior to the rise of the religious right over the past 2 decades, and the need to shrink the gap between rich and poor, and the need for a more humble and humane foreign policy that treats foreigners with respect and is based on sound moral principles and a spirit of open cooperation with allies. this issue of illegal immigration is particularly difficult for me, because i see that illegal immigrants drive down wages for everyone else in the country, and they are being exploited by the wealthy business elite, to the detriment of our nation’s working class. in that spirit, we should oppose any attempts to allow illegal immigrants to stay here or continue working, and oppose any sort of guest-worker program, and simply round up the lot of them and deport them. whether or not they have violated the law is unimportant: what is important is the economic and social implications of their presence, and they seem to be having many detrimental effects on our country.

but, the other side of this issue has, in my view, an even more profound argument. first of all, one could argue that freedom of movement is a fundamental human right, and people should be free to choose any country to live in. this is especially necessary when you have free trade with another country, because the elimination of tariffs allows economic relations between nations to become exploitative, which can only be fixed by allowing people to freely move between the countries in question and thereby counteract this exploitation. there are many families in this nation that are part illegal immigrant, part legal citizen, and it seems quite immoral to break up families just on the basis of some silly law. if someone cares about improving the lot in life of the working class of this nation, is it not arrogant and racist of them to not care about the lot in life of the illegal immigrants, or the working class of foreign countries? marxists believe in building a class consciousness that spans across the globe, a worldwide solidarity of the working class, united by their economic status, and rejecting all nationalist distinctions, seeing the modern nation-state as a capitalist entity that protects the exploiters and brainwashes the proletariat into submission. conversely, most economists and free-market advocates believe in the elimination of barriers to international trade, such as tariffs, and the usage of international treaties and non-governmental organizations to undermine the sovereignty of nation-states and force them all to accept similar pro-market reforms. by ensuring similar laws across the world, the world bank and the international monetary fund help level the playing field among nations, thereby helping to eliminate the economic need for cross-border migration. obviously, this means that the standard of living in the united states needs to go down, and the standard of living in each third-world country needs to go up, until everyone is equal. that is, unless nation-states have inherent differences that justify some being wealthier than others (such as different natural resources, climates, types of terrain, land areas, amounts of coastline, etc.).

so, both the marxist and the capitalist believe in some form of economic globalization that will undermine workers in the united states by making them directly compete against workers in third-world countries. only the economic nationalist thinks otherwise. the economic nationalist argues in favor of closed borders, limiting immigration, and having tariffs to protect domestic industry from foreign competition. the united states has a long and proud history of economic nationalism. the economic nationalist does not care about foreigners, or about business and profits; the sole concern of the economic nationalist is the workers in this country, and maximizing their standard of living. economic nationalists include both the republican tom tancredo, and most labor unions; they are a bipartisan group.

the republican party is the party of big business, however, and their corporate sponsors have a strong distaste for economic nationalism. the republicans in the house of representatives are renegades, refusing to side with the businessmen, despite the fact that the republicans in the senate, white house, and republican national committee all want to undermine american workers with a guest worker program. the democrats, on the other hand, tend to side with ethnic minority groups, in the hopes of getting loyal constituents. so they have decided they want amnesty for illegal aliens, not for policy reasons, but for purely political reasons: to get the hispanic vote. this decision is not based on any ideology, just political pragmatism. ted kennedy is leading the democrats in this opportunistic pandering. this is not to say that the democrats do not genuinely care about the illegal aliens and their plight; however, illegal aliens cannot vote and american workers can, and democrats also care just as much about american workers being undermined by foreign competition. so, for democrats, on policy grounds, it is a real toss-up that could go either way, so the only way to resolve the issue is pragmatism, to do whatever will benefit the party’s chances in future elections. if the issue were more clear, with one side being obviously right and the other being obviously wrong, there might be more incentive for our politicians to decide things on the basis of right and wrong, but, since everything is so muddled, they are instead deciding on the basis of seeking political gain and trying to win elections. so, in the end, what do i think would be the morally right policy? interestingly enough, it is amnesty. we should not create an underclass of temporary workers who have no rights and have to go back to their home countries, as that is not much better than slavery. we ought to put them all on the path to full citizenship. and they ought to be entitled to the same minimum wage, worker safety, etc. protections as everyone else. forcing employers to pay them the same minimum wage ought to decrease the level of capitalist exploitation. anything that allows the illegal immigrants to be paid less or have less rights than other people will only serve to create an environment conducive to exploitation, so there must be no compromise on this issue of pay and benefits, or else it will be a race to the bottom. this way, we can also help the american workers, as a compromise to appease economic nationalists. the only people who would lose out in a deal like that would be the wealthy businessmen, since they would no longer be able to profit off cheap labor in this country. but, hurting corporations does not matter, as long as you do not unfairly reward some while punishing others, in an anti-competitive manner. as long as competition is preserved, capitalism can continue to triumph, because the laws of supply and demand will naturally lead to the nash equilibrium. as for foreign nations, they will need to raise their minimum wages and standards of living in order to prevent their people from all leaving to come here. a rising tide lifts all boats.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

another corrupt hotshot out of office

first it was former house majority leader tom delay of texas. now it’s italian prime minister silvio berlusconi. both of them are entirely corrupt, crooked to the core. and good riddance! now that silvio berlusconi lost the election, italian prosecutors will be free to charge him with crimes, something they could not do when he was in office due to the prosecutorial immunity of italian prime ministers. so, one by one, all of bush’s allies in western europe have lost elections and had to turn over power to the opposition. all except one. tony blair. but tony blair is going to retire and gordon brown will take over as the leader of labour. tony blair was the only member of the coalition of the willing who could actually talk a good game, and sound like a decent human being... that man can talk his way out of anything. but he is just another con man, and his days as prime minister are numbered, since he has announced he will retire. only time will tell whether tony blair’s successor will want britain to remain america’s lapdog and the laughingstock of the world. at least spain and italy have been liberated from the neocon curse. there isn’t much hope for eastern europe; poland, hungary, romania, and bulgaria are sure to remain dubya’s pawns. well maybe not hungary, but the other 3. hungary just had an election and the socialists won; who knows whether they will want to side with bush or the european union. since hungary doesn’t have the euro yet, there might be some pressure to abandon the alliance with the united states before they are allowed to come closer into the european fold. belarus remains as the last rogue state in europe, propped up by russia. i wonder if the revolution that happened in georgia and ukraine will make its next stop in belarus. vladimir putin will probably see to it that it doesn’t; he has had enough humiliations at the hands of bush, who now has russia surrounded by tiny little enemies. if only we could send all the islamic radicals back to chechnya... that would really drive the russians up the wall. of course, our relations with turkmenistan are very good, which makes them a perfect place to invade iran from. so, we can already attack iran from 3 sides: iraq in the west, afghanistan in the east, and turkmenistan in the north. we could even launch a 4th attack from the south, if we really want: the united arab emirates, another close ally of ours, is just across the straights of hormuz (a tiny exclave of oman called musandam is in the way, but oman is also a close ally). and will anyone else help us if we invade iran? nope! cuz, like i said before, britain is our last ally in western europe, and we will probably lose it too, once tony blair is gone. the only country we would be able to get to send troops would be israel... and that would be a big mistake on their part, so even they would probably say no, because they would fear the retaliation. so, our only option to get enough troops would be to bring back the draft. then i would probably be drafted and sent to the front lines, whether i like it or not. tehran, here i come!


Monday, April 10, 2006

other people with the same problem as me

check it out. (you have to go thru the salon premium ad bullshit first though.) it’s an advice column at and both the guy asking for help, and the guy who answers it, have the same exact psychological problems as me! and there is a link on that page to comments about it, from other people who went to that website. and the comments are just amazing! practically every one of them is people saying that they have this same exact problem as me. it is too bad i have other problems too. like besides my asperger’s and my panic attacks and my hypochondria and my social phobia, and the problem that is the same one that the people at have. besides all those, i have other problems. such as, being locked into a nocturnal schedule of awake all night, asleep all day. i don’t know why i am nocturnal, but i feel like it is just natural for me, like sexual orientation or something like that... i am just naturally awake at night and asleep during the day. maybe i am a vampire or something... i mean i am descended from people who lived in transylvania. who knows? maybe i am a direct descendant of dracula. all i know is, blood is a delicious drink. and businesses that open in the morning and close in the afternoon do not cater to my kind. on a more serious note, i have made some small efforts to change my sleep schedule, mostly by going to bed early and trying to fall asleep early, or waking myself up early with an alarm. but i find myself lying in bed awake for hours, trying to fall asleep. and then after i am finally asleep for a while, and then the alarm wakes me up, what do i do? turn off the alarm and go back to sleep. i am strange because darkness gives me energy and sunlight makes me tired. you see, i lack discipline. a person who is disciplined would not turn off the alarm and go back to sleep. today i woke up around 11:30 am, and i lay in bed, awake, doing absolutely nothing, until about 6 pm. well, i was thinking about various things. and i think i did drift in and out of consciousness a few times. but mostly i was daydreaming and thinking about things that were of no consequence, or thinking about things i had to do but was avoiding, or avoiding thinking about things i didn’t want to think about. i am sort of on the borderline, between a completely functional human being and someone who is utterly incapable of independently living on their own. sometimes i just descend into a sort of pretend nothingness, and avoid reality, for an extended period of time. it is a sort of procrastination, i guess. i remember thinking, “i don’t really feel like getting out of bed right now... i’ll just lie here a little longer and then get up when i feel like it.” i just used empty platitudes like that to justify lying in bed for many hours awake, doing absolutely nothing... you see i had to justify it to myself because otherwise, to most people, it would seem like a huge waste of time and really dumb. but, i suppose it was relaxing, and i am a very stressed-out person most of the time, due to my various insanities. i guess when your life is being ruined by excessive and irrational fear, times of relaxation can become quite addictive, and you can ruin your life by avoiding living. a person my age ought to actually do things, though. ugh. i hate being compared and contrasted with a typical person my age. i can never measure up to that! i am just different. i ought to do the best that i can do, but in no way can i ever be considered in a similar fashion to normal people. that is like asking a paraplegic to run a marathon! i mean i know i have potential and could be successful, probably. but it is a hell of a bitch trying to get from point a to point b, when point a is shit city and point b is the promised land. i can’t just go from being an unemployed lazy good-for-nothing one day to being a billionaire and president of the united states the next day. it’s just that i lack discipline, because i am an upper middle class white boy from the u.s.a. who’s been on easy street all his life. school was dirt easy and college wasn’t too hard, even though it was ivy league. if your brain is too smart, it is too easy to think, and you end up being a lazy bastard who has never had to put any effort into anything. i suppose there have been times i did things that required effort, but it is hard to think of any. i just have a goddamn spoiled brat mentality, and i need to grow up and quit being a sissy. i heard that the more wealth and luxury someone is raised with, the more hopeless and helpless they feel about life. my parents are not exactly billionaires, and our house is just a typical middle class suburbia type deal, but let’s face it... this is the united states of america. middle class people here live like kings and queens, compared to the rest of the world (except for most of europe, parts of asia, and canada and australia). but, compared to the russians, the chinese, the indians, the arabs, or especially the africans, our life is pretty sweeeeeeet. the reason people need jobs is to make money so they can buy stuff to survive, but my problem is, i don’t really need money to survive, at least not for the next month or two or three, until i run out of money. but i am a procrastinator, and we like to put things off until the last minute. but i don’t want to have to wait until i am bankrupt before i get a job. dammit. i need to get things done. some of those people at posted some tips on how i could get things done. maybe i’ll take another look at that link. hey... at least i don’t have to pay any income taxes. that’s just how things work when you have zero income. fuck you very much, internal revenue service! i hope you appreciate the $0.00 i will pay in federal income tax this year, bitches. please spend my tax dollars wisely, or i will be forced to find gainful employment and actually send you some money next year. or maybe you could send me money, since if i had a negative income, shouldn’t i pay a negative amount of taxes? something to think about. questionable accounting practices signing out.

Sunday, April 9, 2006

a brilliant idea

hey, seymour hersh just wrote an article for the new yorker about a really great idea some people in the bush administration had! let’s nuke iran! yup, that’s right, bush and friends are planning on starting a nuclear war! isn’t that awesome? this time, the smoking gun really will come in the form of a mushroom cloud! and iran is allies with russia and china! did you know, they have nukes too? i wonder if we nuked iran, would the russians and the chinese nuke us? that would be so glorious! most of bush’s supporters are born-again christians who voted for him because they believe in the coming of the biblical apocalypse, the end of the world, and they want him to make it happen as soon as possible! you wanna know how i know that? kevin phillips, a former high-level republican strategist, wrote that in his new book american theocracy. aren’t republicans wonderful? an entire political party, dedicated to an agenda of bringing about the end of the world so that the second coming of christ will happen, and exactly 144,000 people will vanish into thin air simultaneously in the “rapture”. this is why born-again christians make me sick, because they are hell-bent on destroying the planet earth and killing all humans. shiite muslim fundamentalists, such as those who run iran, have a similar messianic bloodthirst for destruction. they think that the mehdi, the hidden imam, is the messiah, and that he will return and save the world, when the apocalypse comes, and that it is good to help the apocalypse happen as soon as possible. isn’t it ironic that although jesus christ preached a message of peace, nonviolence, and loving your enemies, his most fervent followers nowadays are bloodthirsty lunatics who want to destroy everything? now yes, most christians are not like that, i admit, and probably most shiite muslims are not like that either. but we have crazy fanatics running the united states and iran, and both sides are hell-bent on starting a nuclear war. so please forgive me for sounding grim; i just don’t want to be vaporized by a nuclear bomb, and i sure as hell don’t trust anyone in a warmongering administration that rejects the findings of modern science. the doctrine of mutual assured destruction cannot protect us any longer, when our leaders actively seek out destruction as a primary objective, and our president believes himself to be the infallible right hand of god. i still cannot fathom how anyone could possibly have been crazy enough to vote for this madman.

Monday, April 3, 2006

spam recipes

hahaha... if you have google’s email service “gmail”, and you go to your “spam” folder, google shows you contextual ads near the top of the screen for spam recipes. french fry spam casserole. yummmmmmy... not! does anyone actually LIKE spam who isn’t a paid spokesperson of hormel corporation or a member of monty python? i think not! luckily i didn’t click on the link to the french fry spam casserole recipe, because then i would have vomited all over my keyboard, and gotten little bits of vomit stuck down in the crevices between the keys, while the stomach acid would dissolve the circuits and short-out the keyboard and the computer, making the whole thing explode in flames. and computers are dangerous beasts... i have heard tales of cd-rom drives gone bad, that send cds flying across the room so fast and at so many rpms, they cut through walls, like ninja throwing stars! and if you open up a computer’s power supply or its monitor, you will probably be electrocuted so badly it causes cardiac arrest. adding spam to that equation just makes a bad situation worse, and makes computers even more dangerous. capacitors kill, and so does spam, if it makes you vomit and short-circuit a system with giant capacitors in it. and never stand directly in front of a cd-rom or cd-rw or dvd or combo drive, especially a fast one like a 52x. because if there is a cd spinning inside there, and it decides to eject before the cd stops spinning, that cd can chop your head clean off, if you position your neck right in front of the drive at the crucial moment. somebody could probably write a virus that would infect the flash memory chip that stores the firmware of a cd drive to turn it into a killing machine. so watch out! such a virus could easily be spread through spam. spam email, that is. someone could also write a virus that would use a software interface to overclock the motherboard and cpu to the point where the whole thing bursts into flames and explodes, which could also be spread via spam, and this would be most dangerous to users of laptops, especially auto mechanics who are covered in gasoline and motor oil. so don’t send me any spam or any spam recipes!

Saturday, April 1, 2006

what a day!

well, i have been hired by google, and they will pay me a nice big salary to just sit at a computer and play minesweeper all day! i just met the most wonderful girl and we really hit it off together! i met her through google romance! awwww yeeeeah, i think we are going to get married soon! and my panic attacks have stopped completely, and i don’t think i really have asperger’s after all! oh and guess what? the clay mathematics institute called to congratulate me on my proof, which was reviewed by the world’s most eminent mathematicians and found to be entirely flawless, and they say they will make an exception to their rules about getting published in a peer-reviewed journal, and the check for a million dollars was put into the mail today and should arrive on monday! i have cleaned up my messy room, and now i keep everything neat and tidy and very well organized! i have switched to a healthy diet, with no more junk food, and i am getting plenty of good exercise, every day! and i have gotten back onto a normal schedule, getting up in the morning and going to sleep in the evening! plus, i have decided to stop being a liberal democrat and an atheist, and i have become a born-again christian conservative republican! george w. bush will go down in history as the greatest, most competent, smartest president ever! he is a strong leader, and i support him 100%! we need a grassroots conservative campaign to make sure those wealthy liberal elitists don’t steal the 2006 elections, the same way those bastards tried to do it in 2000 until the righteous u.s. supreme court showed those pinko hippie commies who supported the homosexual cyborg al gore the meaning of american justice. tom delay, michael scanlon, jack abramoff, scooter libby, and all those folks are innocent victims of activist judges and prosecutorial misconduct by elitist limosuine liberals from hollywood who have sex with dead alien-human hybrid fetuses infected with aids by the illegal space aliens from mexico who are originally from jupiter’s eurotrash moon europa! in other words, why don’t you look at the date this was published? april 1. hmm. something to think about. still... what a day! the things that have happened today are almost... unbelieveable. almost as if it were all some great cosmic joke by god, and i am the punchline. or maybe the joke is by me, and god is the punchline. but who is laughing now? nobody! because these words in todays april 1st blog post are absolut truth, and unquestionable! i mean absolut in the sense of the vodka that boris yeltsin drank so much of, he hired vladimir putin to run russia for him, not in the sense of the word absolute. so, maybe if you are totally drunk, you might not get it, and you might actually think what i said in today’s post is really true. which would be correct of you, because it is true! you see, the truthiness of a statement can only be evaluated within the context of some version of reality, unless the statement is a tautology or contradiction. so, if your version of reality is the correct april 1st version, everything should be true, within that version of reality. but on all other days of the year, reality operates differently, so i am afraid everything in this post will be false, the other 364 days of the year. some heathens may question the existence of a special version of reality that operates differently on only one day of the year, but, since it is april 1st, i can say that they are completely and utterly wrong. at least today they are. because today is a special day, a wonderful day, a day for celebration about what a wonderful job the republican party is doing running the united states government, and about how easy life is and how problems just magically solve themselves without requiring any effort! let us celebrate how, on this glorious day, the sunnis, shiites, and kurds of iraq have set aside all their differences and formed a unity government, and the insurgents have lain down their arms and pledged their loyalty to the government of the new iraq! and i hope that is the lesson that people learn from this: every problem magically solves itself without requiring any effort, if you simply wait until the date is april 1st and the fundamental nature of reality changes for 1 day. so if you missed out on it this year, start making plans for april 1st, 2007, because that is your next chance to deal with the real version of reality, the one we incorrectly think of as a big fat joke the rest of the year! i would like to thank all of the readers of this blog who have prayed for me, since it is only through divine intercession that these april 1st miracles could ever possibly all happen on the same day! and i would also like to express my gratitude to the followers of the prophet mohammad, peace be upon him, and their glorious religion of islam! despite being a christian fundamentalist, i have a deep and profound respect for all religions, especially islam, the religion of peace! the islamists such as those in al qaeda have done so much for us, with their message of peace, tolerance, and respect for other cultures, but what most impresses me is how they refuse to give into their baser instincts and become vengeful or hateful, and how they have maintained such a positive attitude towards the united states and our wonderful president! i can only hope that president bush returns the favor, and invites osama bin laden to the white house for a peace summit, to discuss their common agenda of confronting the zionist threat through nonviolent protest! i mean, the zionists are such a threat, what with their... umm... zionism and all! i certainly feel threatened! the letter z alone is enough to threaten me! am i the only person who has noticed that zionists are responsible for the creation of alien-human hybrids infected with aids to brainwash hollywood into making crappy movies? we are lucky the aliens performed abortions on most of the hybrid fetuses, in their flying saucers, something that is now illegal for flying saucers in south dakota’s airspace! but, there is less than an hour left in the day, and tomorrow, after things go back to normal, it will be too late for any of this! we have squandered another april 1st that could have been used to achieve great progress towards absurdity! and sadly, tomorrow, people will probably ridicule much of what was said or done today! what a shame! because april 1st is the one day of the year when people tell the truth, and tell it like it is, instead of just making up a bunch of bullshit like the rest of the year! i, for one, think we should declare april 2nd a national day of mourning, for the loss of the truth, which we only, ever so briefly, had, just for one day! but what a day it was! this day shall live in infamy!