Saturday, December 30, 2006

yea its my 100th post but i’m on fricken dialup

awwww yeeeeah! 100 posts! that is a shitload! and this is #100! this blog kicks more ass than when someone uses their foot to kick me in my ass, because my ass is not really as large as people think! so guess what! i am on dialup and it is sooooooo fricken slow! half the time websites don’t even come up right because some of the stuff is missing cuz if you go to like or some other website like that there are like over 100 images to download and all sorts of shit embedded in the page like flash advertisements and whatnot! it is good i have adblock plus! less stupid-ass ads getting downloaded and using up my precious bandwidth, which is 44.0 kbps. that is less than 56k, for those of you who can’t count. yeah, it’s 44k, even though the modem is some super-advanced 56k modem that uses like advanced compression algorithms and shit like that to make it faster somehow. well it is not actually using those compression algorithms since the server it connected to doesn’t support it. thank you (aol) time warner! at least this service is free anywhere in the country as long as you pay for time warner’s roadrunner high-speed internet service, which is kinda a little expensive or whatever. and roadrunner only works at one place, so if you go somewhere else, you have to use dialup. but the servers i connect to for the dialup are not from time warner cable, they are from america online! which is the same damn company! thank you for approving the merger, ted turner! you lost all your money, you dope!

so anyway, everyone is fricken dying. like, this james brown dude, he was pretty awesome. he was like the greatest guy who ever did that kind of music, which i never listened to, because it all came out before i was born. anyway, gerald ford is also dead. the greatest president who never got elected. and now, the latest death is saddam hussein, who was executed. like what is up with all these people being dead now? maybe everyone else should die too, to show our appreciation or whatever. like i think when that john lennon guy from the beatles was killed, some of his fans killed themselves. or maybe once these people are dead, new people can like, take their place. like we can let muqtada al-sadr install himself as the new dictator of iraq to replace saddam, and we could impeach cheney and have bush replace him with some other loser, and then impeach bush, so that the new unelected vice president becomes the new president. of course, some people (like me!) want to impeach bush and cheney together and have a single trial for both of them in the senate, so we can make nancy pelosi president in 2007. in any case, it would be similar to gerald ford, and a fitting tribute to his 2-year unelected accidental presidency. what the hell is up with chevy chase? apparently that dude was responsible for gerald ford losing. and jimmy carter apparently won a close election in 1976, with many states from the south! the fricken south! there were actually democrats here in the south! i am in the south right now! there are only 3 democrats here! myself, and my 2 parents! everyone else is republican! all right, so maybe florida is not a solidly republican southern state like its neighbors. and the weather here in florida is really nice. mmmmmm. florida is so fricken awesome, i love it here. oh wait, who can replace gerald ford? like who should bush nominate to replace cheney? oh yeah, i remember! his fricken brother! jeb bush should be president for 2 years! or maybe bring his daddy back! papa bear! bush senior! oh man... there are only 3 living ex-presidents now, and 2 out of 3 of them are democrats! fuck yeah! us democrats are winning! i hope jimmy carter outlives papa bear george herbert walker bush senior daddy poopy pants who threw up on the japanese prime minister! i have heard funny things about mr. gerald ford. he cannot walk and chew gum at the same time, and he likes to fall down stairs a lot. and he pardoned dick nixon, my main man, the boss, big guy in charge. who’s your daddy? nixon, bitch! yo... you ever wonder where these neocon bastards like cheney and rumsfeld came from? the republicans keep using the same losers again and again, in each presidential administration they have. and every time they use someone like cheney or rumsfeld, that person gets stupider and more fucked up in the head. those guys were younger and less dumb back when they worked for gerald ford, but time has a way of messing with your mind and turning you into a wacko. just look at what happened to former attorney general ramsey clark. that guy is a fucking communist, and served as a lawyer for saddam hussein! for years ramsey clark has been the public face of the workers’ world party (wwp), a stalinist communist political party based in new york city. the neocons are just like him, except they have brainwashed themselves with neoconservatism rather than communism. neoconservatism and communism are like polar opposites that mirror each other, the 2 extremes of foreign policy and economic policy. communists try to spread communism around the world, aggressively trying to implement communist economic policies in foreign nations, often by force. neoconservatives do the same thing, except they are trying to spread democracy as a political system and free-market capitalism as an economic system. and perhaps islamists are another force of this type, trying to spread islamic theocracy to foreign nations and getting those nations to implement sharia law. but sharia law is a social policy, not an economic policy, so an islamic nation could be either capitalist or communist, or anything in between. anyway, all of these points of view of people who want to use violence to spread their preferred system of government to foreign nations are extremist and evil. the good, righteous, and noble path is one of diplomacy, negotiation, and working together with as many allies as possible, while talking to your enemies, negotiating with them, making concessions, and signing peace treaties with them. we ought to sign peace treaties with all of our enemies around the world. then, we only resort to violence and war when they violate the treaties they signed. and we work together with many other nations, and gather together a large coalition of powerful allies, and use them to crush the enemy with overwhelming force. once the enemy nation needs to be rebuilt, we get somebody else to pay for it, and we only contribute a fraction of the costs. and we get other countries to put their troops in, so we don’t have to use our troops instead. right now there is a war in somalia, for instance. ethiopia is an american ally, and we are helping arm them to use them as a proxy force against the islamic courts militia in somalia, to put the pro-western provisional government back in place in mogadishu. using proxy forces is the proper method for fighting wars, because it avoids using our own troops, and does as little damage as possible to our own nation. that is the proper way to ensure that things go in accordance with our national interest. if we want a new world order and complete global domination, we will have to cooperate with others and be nice to them in order to achieve this goal. war should always be the last resort. our real enemy is the government of sudan, because it not only supports al qaeda, and harbored osama bin laden for years, but has also carried out genocide against its own people in darfur. it is nations like that which must be defeated. nations like iran and syria, however, ought to be dealt with in a much friendlier manner. iran is a shiite nation and as such is a sworn enemy of the sunni terrorist group al qaeda. we ought to be allying with them, and helping them build nuclear power plants. if we send americans in to help build the nuclear power plants, our people can monitor to make sure the iranians do not use the nuclear waste to build nuclear bombs. nuclear bombs require highly enriched uranium, but nuclear power plants only require low-grade enriched uranium. so it would be quite simple for us to monitor their uranium enrichment activities to ensure they only produce the low-grade enriched uranium and not highly enriched uranium, which is much harder to produce. restoring full diplomatic relations and talking to them would give us a presence in tehran and allow the cia to covertly spy on that nation, with diplomatic immunity. why do you think we still have full diplomatic relations with venezuela? it is for precisely that reason, so we can tell what is going on there and monitor the situation in that country. as for syria, it is a small nation, and therefore much easier to win over. most of the “coalition of the willing” was small nations. the united states has many ways to help out a small nation like syria and get it on our side. as for north korea, that nation needs to have a more prosperous economy, and we should pledge not to attack them unless they attack first. we need to accept the fact that they have nuclear weapons, and deal with them as we dealt with the soviet union. our goal in north korea ought to be helping out their economy by commercializing everything and bringing in capitalism, name brands, and all of that stuff like mcdonald’s and coca-cola. we have done very well in this regard with vietnam and china. we can let kim jong il stay on as dictator, and keep his nukes, but we will win over the population with our internets that are made of a series of tubes. the source of kim jong il’s strength is the poverty in north korea, and its isolation from the rest of the world. if we give the people of north korea lots of cool stuff for free, kim jong il will become less important. after enough time, north korea will become more and more like south korea, a nation run by complete pussies and wimps who try to do whatever we americans say unless the north koreans tell them it is not allowed. south korea is a weak nation that tries to be friends with everyone and lets bigger countries tell it what to do. the only nation in that region with the balls/guts/whatever to take on north korea is japan. luckily, japan is a pacifist nation, so if we decide to be nice to north korea, japan cannot stop us. japan is dependent upon us for its defense, and perhaps they could help out in the commercialization and corporatization of north korea. and south korea would be very very happy about the whole thing, because then the united states and north korea would be working together and the south koreans would not be getting confused by conflicting orders from their 2 masters. and what about our own hemisphere, countries like cuba, venezuela, and bolivia? well, we would be friends with them and help them out, just like with the other nations, and that would solve all of our problems peacefully. the only country we ought to be attacking is sudan. iran is not the big threat that mahmoud ahmadenijad makes it seem like. he is just a figurehead with no real power, whose purpose is to distract people from the real issues by creating silly controversies with his rabid anti-semitism. mr. ahmadenijad does not matter, and he is just a distraction. iran is actually run by the supreme leader and the ayatollahs, a bunch of high-ranking shiite clerics. and they are people we can deal with. all we need is an ambassador who is a practicing shiite and well versed in their theology, who can advocate our case in their language. and what about iraq? well, it is a nation that must learn to govern itself. we have done all we could, and screwed up many things because of our corruption, greed, and xenophobia, along with the fact that we are outsiders who do not belong there. we need to follow the recommendations of the baker-hamilton report and representative jack murtha, and get the hell out of that country. i can guarantee you that the vast majority of iraqis will be just as glad to be rid of us as they were glad to be rid of saddam hussein. and we should send donald rumsfeld and henry kissinger to belgium, where they both stand accused of crimes against humanity, in cases that have been filed in the belgian courts. that would show that the trial of saddam hussein was not just victors’ justice, and that we are willing to have our own wartime leaders be put on trial for any war crimes they may have committed. it is a shame that augusto pinochet was never executed for his crimes against humanity, and that he was allowed to die of natural causes, a free man. and the media coverage of pinochet’s death earlier this year was too pro-pinochet, buying into much of the propaganda he had used to stay in office, about how he supposedly saved his nation from communism. he was just like saddam hussein except not quite as bad. and augusto pinochet was a neocon, letting neocons from the united states come down to his country to experiment with its economic policies. i think his country was argentina, but not 100% sure. maybe it was chile. it sucks having dialup, because it takes forever to look things up online. i have to do all of this from my memory, which is not always that great. i keep forgetting things. but i still remember that hugo chavez is the crypto-communist president of venezuela, and he owns the american gasoline company citgo, so when you buy gasoline from a citgo station, you are funding his crypto-communist revolution in venezuela and abroad in the other nations he is trying to influence by giving them money. i call him crypto-communist because i am referring to how he does not ever admit to being communist, yet is best friends with fidel castro and is running his country much like a communist, and trying to spread his revolution abroad much like a communist. but neocons and islamists also try to spread their revolutions abroad. hugo chavez calls himself a bolivarian socialist, and he calls his revolution the bolivarian revolution. so perhaps a bolivarian socialist is yet another category of a transnational revolutionary movement, just like communist, neoconservative, and islamist. but i think this is just a matter of semantics, of using different words to refer to the same thing, and hugo chavez just avoids the word “communist” because of its negative connotations and the bad history associated with it. i think a “bolivarian socialist” is basically the same thing as a communist, except they are trying to make it sound nicer. it is just like the semantic games over abortion, like calling yourself “pro-life” or “pro-choice”. we have these stupid semantic games over all sorts of things. like calling the estate tax the “death tax”. another silly republican semantic trick is to refer to the democratic party as the “democrat party”, because polls and focus groups have shown that people like democrats better if there is the -ic suffix on the end of the party name. and of course referring to the neoconservatives as “neocons” is another semantic game, this time by liberals like me. the point of calling them neocons is to make it sound bad, like they are crooks or something. unfortunately, it seems like we need to do silly semantic games like this in order to influence public opinion. both sides in any political conflict seem to find it necessary to coin words and phrases to make themselves look good and their opponents look bad, and to do it in such a way as to disguise what they are doing to trick the news media into using the same language as them. like the word “islamofascist” is clearly intended as an insult against islam, especially islamic fundamentalists and theocratic islamic regimes like iran or the taliban. people like rush limbaugh often use the phrase “the homosexual agenda” in order to demonize homosexuals and make it look like they have some kind of evil hidden agenda to take over the world and ruin things for everyone else and turn us all gay or something like that. it is all quite ridiculous. one of the most ridiculous of these semantic games is the phrase “limousine liberals”. now, i am a liberal, most of the people i know are liberals, and none of us ever go around in limousines. we are not wealthy. liberals believe in implementing policies that help the poor, at the expense of the rich. conservatives believe in implementing policies that help the rich, at the expense of the poor. those are just facts. this is reality. i am just stating obvious facts that everyone knows or ought to know. so, anyone who is a “limousine liberal” is clearly someone that we should have a lot of respect for and look up to as a role model, because although they are wealthy, they are advocating policies which would be detrimental to themselves, as wealthy people. they are acting out of self-sacrifice, and trying to help the needy, even though it may be bad for their own interests as wealthy people. that is heroic. that is something that we should look up to, something very humanitarian and righteous. the fact that right-wingers try to demonize good people like homosexuals or the so-called limousine liberals shows how morally bankrupt the right-wingers really are. the objectives of conservatives are very clear: they want to oppress the poor, and homosexuals, and other groups of people who are already oppressed too much. they want to help out people who are wealthy and powerful who do not need any help. they want to take from the poor and give to the rich. and in foreign policy, neoconservatives want to use unilateral military invasions of countries that are not a threat to us in order to reshape the world and create a new world order full of pro-western democracies who do whatever we say. so, to put it bluntly, conservatives believe in the exact opposite of the kind of policies jesus christ believed in 2 thousand years ago. jesus christ wanted to help the needy and the oppressed, and he opposed violence and conflict, wanting to bring people together and help those who need help. this stuff is as easy and obvious as 1 + 1 = 2. conservatives are simply crusaders for evil who want to destroy everything that is good in this country and the world. that is why it is so wonderful that liberal democrats now control both houses of congress. we need to lead this country, and reform it, and help people out, and do such a good job that the conservative movement is destroyed forever. that doesn’t mean that we need to destroy the republican party, but we need to force them to reconsider their values and their positions on the issues, and to abandon their stone age conservative nonsense and start acting like human beings for a change.

Saturday, December 9, 2006

my policy statement on iraq

i support the conclusions and recommendations of the iraq study group 100%. i endorse all 79 of their recommendations wholeheartedly and enthusiastically. many have criticized them for failing to actually visit the parts of iraq outside the green zone, but i think it was wise on their part, since it probably would have killed all those old white men of the establishment who make up the iraq study group. i kid, i kid. they are not all old white men. sandra day o’connor is a member, and she is a woman (her claim to fame is being a former supreme court justice). vernon jordan is the token black member (he was a close friend of president bill clinton). as for old? yes! they are all old! all of them were born between 1927 and 1939. in other words, they are practically older than abe vigoda, who has been dead for 24 years! it would have been nice to have some younger people on the panel. like maybe, oh i dunno, lindsay lohan? lindsay lohan is a very high-ranking democratic party operative, and also very young. websites were posting pictures of her nipples while she was still underage! a recent press leak from lindsay lohan says that she can get al gore, hillary clinton, and bill clinton to help improve her public image. so, she would be perfect as a representative of the younger generation, as one of the democrats in the iraq study group. but, too late for that. maybe the next time there is a bipartisan commission to study something, we can put her on it. it would certainly make things more interesting. as for republicans, i think maybe jessica simpson? is she a republican? i don’t think paris hilton is, and certainly not madonna or the dixie chicks. i wonder if britney spears is republican... maybe if we examine the inside of her vagina, by digitally enhancing recent photographs leaked to the press, we can deduce whether the left wing or the right wing of her vagina lips is bigger. it certainly is interesting how the media is so obsessed with showing everyone the private parts of attractive young women. why doesn’t the media try to show us the penises of famous male celebrities? i think there may be more than a little sexism in the tabloid media. it is certainly quite disrespectful of them to treat attractive young women as mindless sex objects. i would like people to know that young people in general, whether we are male or female, attractive or ugly, generally behave stupidly a good portion of the time, and any of us would seem like an idiot if we were subject to that much scrutiny by the tabloid press. but we are not really idiots! we young people just like to have some fun and sometimes if one of us is a little drunk or high we might say something stupid and then bad shit happens to us. but, like, whatever! mel gibson and michael richards have both had recent breakdowns, and we found out that mel gibson is an anti-semite and michael richards is a card-carrying member of the ku klux klan. but kramer is still funny on the old seinfeld reruns. especially in that one episode where he is wearing a white sheet and puts that burning cross in front of the place where the black people live, and calls them all niggers. wow, what a funny white supremacist. and isn’t it great how mel gibson hates the jews but loves the mayan native americans so much? he is such a big fan of the mayans, it blows my mind. i don’t know how, but somehow he manages to forgive the ancient mayan civilization for not accepting jesus christ as its collective personal savior. it is too bad he cannot forgive the jews for the same mistake the mayans made. anyway, i think mel gibson would be a good addition to the next bipartisan commission, representing the republicans, of course. his conservative viewpoints might not always match those of the current republican leadership, but i think mel gibson is a good solid paleoconservative, in the model of pat buchanan. and lindsay lohan is a limosuine liberal, as bill o’reilly would say. it is certainly a great and wonderful thing that the biggest role models for young women today are people like britney spears, paris hilton, madonna, pamela anderson, lindsay lohan, and the bush twins. all of them are a bunch of whores, of course. it is wonderful that we have a media that focuses on whores like them, and idolizes them while at the same time trying to show everyone the private parts of celebrities against their will. i mean, can you imagine how awful it would be if we had a media that glorified young women who actually accomplished good things, who weren’t total whores? like, the media makes fun of chelsea clinton and insults her, because she isn’t a whore like those other young ladies, but has actually pursued a successful career as something other than an actress, singer, or prostitute. and remember how the media used to idolize leonardo dicaprio, or how they currently think george clooney is sexy for some reason? why don’t they ever have a “penis slip”, or anything like that? why doesn’t the media try to turn famous men into mindless sex objects? and what is the deal with angelina jolie? angelina jolie is amazing because she has somehow managed to escape being typecast as a dumb whore, and has actually accomplished good things in the world, and gotten the media to cover her seriously. she is still a whore of course, with her private parts on display all over the internet, but people take her seriously because she has accomplished a lot more than those other whores, like all that stuff she does for the u.n. and for children in third world countries. it is still kind of surprising to me, because i saw an hour-long interview of angelina jolie with anderson cooper on cnn, which took all of her humanitarian work very seriously, and not once did he ask her to show him her tits in exchange for some mardi gras beads. not once! maybe anderson cooper is trying to be more of a serious news reporter, and less like lou dobbs, glenn beck, bill o’reilly, keith olbermann, geraldo rivera, joe scarborough, nancy grace, pat buchanan, sean hannity, neil cavuto, barbara walters, john stossel, connie chung, dan rather, andy rooney, chris matthews, michael savage, or katie couric. a real reporter, like christiane amanpour, peter jennings, tom brokaw, wolf blitzer, ted koppel, tim russert, jon stewart, stephen colbert, or borat sagdiyev. hmm... it is getting harder and harder to tell real news from fake news, because of all the truthiness. and having tony snow, a former news reporter, as white house press secretary, makes things even harder. how can we sort it out when all the reporters used to be politicians and all the politicians used to be reporters and all the comedians are trying to be reporters and all the reporters are trying to be comedians? soon the politicians will try to be comedians and then comedians will become politicians! never forget that half the people on air america radio are, by profession, comedians! who knows how many comedians have infiltrated the associated press or the 24-hour news networks? half the news sites out there now display headlines from, including the sites for cnn and msnbc! and half the people on the daily show used to work for the onion! half the people who started air america radio used to work for the daily show! we are in a never-ending cycle of politicians retiring to become reporters and then going back into politics, and comedians becoming politicially involved and then becoming fake reporters and then thinking about going into politics! in the meantime, all the people who started out as reporters are trying to become political but they have to do it in a comedic way to avoid alienating people! it is amazing to see people like lou dobbs and keith olbermann change their personalities and become much more political on their shows, dropping all pretense of being unbiased reporters. keith olbermann is trying to also be funny on his show sometimes, while lou dobbs is trying to make himself into some kind of spokesman/hero for middle class white people from the heartland. and everyone who is still acting like a serious news reporter is under constant criticism from all sides for their supposed bias! in today’s tabloidish environment, everything has to be entertainment, nothing is ever serious, and there is no authoritative source for the truth. and everyone is a whore. there is nothing but hype and hyperbole, and it takes a group of people like the iraq study group to bring some seriousness and a reality check to the whole messy affair of journalism and politics. the media is so interconnected with the politicians, nobody realizes how important a role the media plays in shaping political decisionmaking. comedy is no laughing matter! we need to take this seriously and stop the foolish name-calling! everyone is acting like a bunch of children, so we need to bring out people born in the 1920s and 1930s to sort everything out! how appropriate... we ought to listen to our elders. they are certainly more wise than people such as lindsey lohan. james baker and lee hamilton have a lot more wisdom and experience than these n00bz. let us talk to iran and syria! talk to mahmoud ahmadenijad! bring the troops home by 2008! train the iraqis to defend themselves! work out a political compromise between sunni and shiite leaders! all of them are wonderful ideas. too bad none of them will be implemented by our prez-o-dent. sore loserman! i hope tony blair wises up before he leaves office. tony blair is the only bastard who can convince bush to fix this shit in iraq. dick cheney and karl rove are ideologues, and condoleezza rice brings less logic and reason to the table than “slam dunk” george tenet. at least we have a new defense secretary who is part of the reality-based community. but i don’t think bush will listen to him anyway; robert gates was just hired for show, and will be forced into line just like they did to colin powell. we need to bring colin powell back. at least he has a brain, or some reasonable facsimilie thereof. he could help bush avoid bushwhacking himself any more than he already has. or james baker. the thing with james baker is, he has too many saudi ties, so he can’t be trusted, since the saudis were behind 9/11 and have never been punished. oh well. i suppose we probably have to keep the saudi royal family in power despite their treachery, because the only alternative is to have al qaeda run saudi arabia, given osama bin laden’s sky-high approval rating in that country. it is bad enough with this mess in iraq, so we ought to leave the saudis alone so we can keep getting their cheap oil. and the same goes for hugo chavez in venezuela; he may be a communist, but he sells us cheap oil, and we need him to stay in power to avoid disrupting the oil supply. we should have left saddam hussein in power too. saddam hussein was a strong leader, something iraq needs right now. perhaps muqtada al-sadr might be a worthy successor, a strong enough leader to unite iraq and monopolize the use of violence under his own command. we ought to help muqtada al-sadr become a totalitarian dictator in iraq. it would fit right in with jean kirkpatrick and her famous essay “dictatorships and double standards”, published in 1979. in honor of jean kirkpatrick, let us make muqtada al-sadr dictator of iraq! he deserves it. then oil will be cheap once again. to quote lindsay lohan,

Thursday, December 7, 2006

missed opportunities

when i look back at my life so far, i see a long series of missed opportunities. a long series of situations in which, if i had known what to do to take advantage of those situations, things would have turned out much better for me. a long series of situations in which i utterly failed to achieve any of my goals or get what i wanted.

i also see some opportunities that i did manage to take advantage of, and some things i did accomplish. and every time i accomplish something big, it turns out to be a disappointment. what do i mean by that? well, if you are working on something important like graduating college, it seems like a really big deal, and it takes a lot of hard work. then, what happens when you finally accomplish it? hardly anything. you are at some big ceremony with a couple thousand other graduates who are all getting the same honor as you: a piece of paper that says you are smart and know lots of stuff, in a nice frame. and you get to wear a traditional graduation outfit. oh great! and then guess what? no more free all-you-can-eat meals from your college meal plan that your parents paid for! you are no longer surrounded by intelligent people the same age as you! no more walking long distances between classes, and up and down hills every day! you are no longer told what to do all the time! for me, freedom is the greatest prison. if i am not told what to do and given deadlines and there is no carrot-and-stick approach, i am not motivated to do anything productive. i become aimless and lazy, and stay in my house all the time, not getting anything accomplished. my sole motivation becomes seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. and to seek pleasure, i do the things i have found pleasure in, in the past, such as video games, television shows, and food that i like to eat. to avoid pain, i avoid awkward social situations by not going out of the house, i avoid the pain of rejection by not asking out any girls and hardly applying to any jobs, i avoid being yelled at by my parents by being awake when they are asleep and asleep when they are awake, and i avoid having to do things by saying i am going to do them and then not doing them.

so, what exactly is my problem? it appears my main strategy in life is to avoid anything i find the least bit unpleasant. i just avoid, avoid, avoid. the only emotion that seems to be able to motivate me to do something unpleasant is fear. it has to be strong fear, strong enough that it makes me worried that i will no longer be able to sustain the repetitive pleasure-seeking activities of video games, tv shows, etc. i do not have any hope, or if i do, there is very little. inside me i feel an emptiness, a void. i do not really think things can get any better in life, or if they can, not much better. and i still think i have already missed out on most of the fun in life, and it is too late to go back and redo my childhood and teenage years as a more social, more active, more fun-loving person. i crave having fun, at least emotionally speaking, and yet, behaviorally, i find myself avoiding any sorts of unfamiliar situations that i have not been in before, even including ones that most people find very fun. morally speaking, i am quite complex, because sometimes i am selfish and care about nobody except myself, and other times, i have a utilitarian/humanist sort of philosophical attitude, meaning, i want to help others, and do whatever benefits society as a whole the most, by being kind and helpful to people, and helping to promote causes that help the downtrodden and oppressed. it is sometimes strange how i switch between my good side of being nice and helping others, and my bad side of being selfish and uncaring. my bad, evil side is actually sort of in the mode of ayn rand’s philosophy of objectivism, where she defines selfishness as good and helping others when you get nothing in return as evil. except i have no illusions about objectivism being correct. i know it is pure evil. but sometimes, it is useful to be evil for a little while. if you are good all of the time, there are lots of things you just can’t do, and it seems kind of unrealistic for someone to succeed in life if they are good all of the time. it is usually the most evil and selfish people who get all the way to the top. so it is sometimes necessary to be like them in order to get ahead.

but in the real objectivist philosophy, you are supposed to act in your own personal long-term best interests, and ignore everything else, unless that other stuff is relevant to your own personal long-term best interests. and you are not supposed to care about anyone or anything else, because that will get in the way of your greed and your lust for power and wealth. however, since i know objectivism is evil, when i put it into practice, it is just for silly little things which are not in my long-term best interests, but just basically doing whatever i feel like without giving a damn about anyone or anything else. my variant of it is basically equivalent to the mooninite philosophy from the show aqua teen hunger force, a philosophy based on doing whatever you feel like doing, at all times, and not caring about anyone or anything else. it is also the philosophy of the character master shake on that show. frylock is the righteous, moral, uptight one. and meatwad is the stupid, impressionable one. master shake is also quite stupid, but much more amoral than meatwad. meatwad at least has some sense of right and wrong, albeit primitive. anyway, i basically alternate between 2 modes: thoughtless self-indulgence, and trying to do whatever the good and righteous thing to help others is. actually, i am usually somewhat in between the 2 modes. i often try to punish myself because i see myself as bad and evil, so i try and sabotage myself in order to prevent myself from being successful or happy or achieving any of my most important goals. this is because i don’t believe i deserve those good things, that instead, i deserve punishment, pain and suffering, humiliation, and deprivation. it is all tied into my low self-esteem. i hate myself, and i don’t see why anyone else would have a different opinion of me than the one i have of myself, and i am always trying to punish myself for my perceived inferiority. but at the same time, i see myself as superior to others, which is an affront to my sense of right and wrong, meaning i need to ruin my own life even worse.

it is quite annoying having an obsessive need for self-sabotage. whenever there is an opportunity to ask out a pretty girl, my mind is filled with thoughts about how now is the perfect time to go up and talk to her, and about what i should say to her, and stuff like that. but i never actually go up to her and ask her out; instead, i avoid eye contact and pretend not to be interested, and don’t even talk to her at all. and if i do manage to get myself to talk to her, my self-sabotage impulse is so strong, i always manage to make myself look foolish and stupid and perhaps arrogant but very naive, and i somehow forget all of my education and am reduced to a fool; worst of all, i never even manage to ask her out, even in the rare circumstance where the conversation lasts longer than a minute or two. and i am also beset by self-sabotage during job interviews, saying foolish things that make me look stupid or immature, despite the fact that i know better. it is just that i have such a strong belief that if i actively pursue my own interests and go after what i want, that is an evil thing and it makes me a bad person. i also feel bad because i have rejected the belief system of most people in this country, and i am kind of isolated. i am in a prison of my own design. my hermit-like existence is based on an obsessive need to keep things from getting any better, because of my insanely powerful fear of change. it doesn’t make any sense, but i am worried that if my life gets a lot better, that might somehow actually be a lot worse than if it just stays as bad as it is now. on some level, i seem to enjoy seeing myself suffer. my personality has partitioned itself into the active part that controls my behavior, and the passive observer that comments on things, and the passive observer part seems to delight in the failures of the active part, without ever trying to help make things better. i just have a typical self-destructive personality of the type found in people who are suicidal or have very low self esteem, but for some reason, my personality is relatively stable and has not really changed much over the years. there is something that keeps me from doing anything too extreme, something very powerful inside me that inhibits me and prevents me from doing anything that is very very bad. but underneath the nice behavior i sometimes exhibit, and the way i seem to care about others and want to help them out and make the world a better place, further down, deep inside me, lurks a terrible evil, that does not just want to harm myself, but all of society. it is bent on revenge for all of the bad things other people have ever done to me, all the times i have ever been mistreated or had people be mean to me or play tricks on me, and also revenge on people who have been happier or more successful than me, who have lived more enjoyable lives than my miserable existence. i have a visceral dislike for people who are too optimistic or too happy, preferring people who seem to be at least somewhat miserable and dissatisfied with their lot in life. i remember throughout elementary school, junior high, high school, college, and even today, i have always seen other people having fun together and being happy, and felt left out, and miserable, and wanted to have revenge on them by making them even more miserable than me. that is the evil inside me, that is why i feel such a strong need to do good, to help make the world a better place. it is a penance, it is my duty, in order to atone for all of my evil thoughts. and what is most odd about that is, i am an atheist, so why do i still cling to the judeo-christian morality? it seems like i feel a need to prove that atheists are not immoral or amoral, so i have to adopt a sort of morality very similar to the judeo-christian one prevalent in most western countries. except my morality is the liberal variant instead of the conservative variant, meaning, i want to help the downtrodden and people such as homosexuals that the conservatives condemn as evil. but i have always had a strong distrust of authority figures, and those who are in charge. it is true that i hate the wealthy and i hate those who are powerful. how could i not hate them? it is perfectly natural for me to hate them. they have what i don’t have, and i want it, and i am jealous, and don’t think they deserve it. so, for me, it is quite natural to support the idea of a socialist economy, and to be opposed to capitalism. my emotional instincts, my conditioning, my life story, all of it contributes towards a leftist worldview. the right-wing worldview is based upon the premise of restoring some sort of glory that existed in the past, and avoiding rapid change in the way things are. the way i live my life is, in fact, quite conservative. but the reason i am so conflicted is, that is not the way i want to live my life, by avoiding change and all of that. and the more i see how it fails in my own life as a viable strategy for getting ahead, the more i see it fails as a viable strategy for a nation to get ahead. i am informed by my failure. anyway, that is about it for today. this sentence is an abrupt conclusion that does not fit well in the context of the sentences that precede it, leaving the reader unsatisfied.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

whoa nancy!

apparently nancy pelosi reads my blog. she followed my advice in the last blog post TO THE LETTER. she actually named someone good to head the intelligence committee, which was hard, because most people in congress lack intelligence. his name is silvestre reyes, and he is a latino democrat from texas who is highly qualified and not beset by any scandals. wow! i had no idea i had so much influence in washington! these delusions of grandeur i am pretending to have sure are comical, nay? or is it yea? eh? i’m canadian, eh? anyway, nancy pelosi is acting quite impressive, for a politician. that is to say, i am impressed with her, so far, since the election. i mean sure she chose the wrong dude for house majority leader, but the way she gracefully handled that defeat, and how she maintained friendly relations and was cordial with everyone involved... that was just amazing. i mean, i guess she had to, cuz this steny hoyer guy from maryland is going to be the #2 democrat in the house, and he had better get along with the #1 democrat in the house for the house democrats to have any success at all. but she actually seemed to, like, genuinely get along with steny hoyer at the press conference on the day he won the majority leader position. this defied all the press reports about her and steny hoyer hating each other’s guts. i wonder if all this nonsense about nancy pelosi and jane harman hating each other is right. i mean, the democrats unanimously chose nancy pelosi to be the next speaker; that means jane harman had to be one of those unanimous votes. so like, how dare jane harman oppose someone she supports! how incredibly inconsistent! and how dare nancy pelosi turn her back on one of her supporters! since all democrats in the house unanimously approved nancy pelosi, this means nancy pelosi needs to support all democrats in the house, even the ones she doesn’t like! it is the least she could do, after all they have done for her! anyway, i am just being fecetious. i am glad to see trent lott is back in the senate republican leadership. i missed him. he was always so folksy, in that traditionally racist white southerner with a pre-anti-segregation-movement mentality sort of way. isn’t it interesting, how racist white southerners used to be part of the democratic party (like strom thurmond et al) but then they all deserted and joined the republican party after the civil rights act was passed? they were basically told they were no longer welcome anymore because they were intolerant bigots. and good riddance! you republicans can keep the intolerant bigots! we don’t want them back! you can keep your confederate flag-waving racist sexist homophobic anti-semitic anti-immigrant xenophobic anti-enlightenment anti-disestablishmentarianist white trash wingnutjobs to yourselves! i mean, look... i know us democrats also have some crazy whack jobs in our party too. i know this because whenever i look at fox news, the democrats they have on are always the craziest whack jobs in the entire party, just to make us all look bad. but, those jackasses who are dumb enough to go on fox news to make their own party look bad are not representatives of the party or official party spokespeople. i, on the other hand, am a very-very-low-level party operative, a political hack so hackish that even the biggest political hacks i help to get elected won’t help me get a job because i am so much more of a political hack than them or anyone else. i mean, my level of political hackishness is so high, it reaches past the stratosphere, all the way to the fricken moon. that is why sometimes i say things negative about my own side, to at least try to put on an appearance of not being a completely one-sided partisan hack, to try and make myself look like i am at least somewhat independent-minded. of course, that is all a big lie, and i am the most one-sided partisan hack in the world. i am about as independent-minded as the republican operatives dick nixon sent to raid the democratic headquarters in the watergate hotel. or, to put it another way, i am about as independent-minded as hugo chavez when he is in the same room with fidel castro. to put it bluntly, i have the mentality of a dog. woof! it is better than having the mentality of a cat. lou dobbs on cnn has a cat mentality. i like j.r. “bob” dobbs better, for he is the living slack master, my short duration personal savior. i am a dyed-in-the-wool subgenius, sharing my yeti dna with subgenii all over the world. praise fucking “bob”! i can’t believe some people think this subgenius religion is just one big joke, or that it is a mockery of other religions! how dare you belittle my faith like that! the church of the subgenius has a long and rich oral history dating back to 1953, and we are the only ones who will be saved when the aliens come on the flying saucers to kill off the rest of humanity with their giant lasers! we will be safely up in the flying saucers, being pleasured by the alien sex goddesses, as we return to the aliens’ home planet. only “bob” knows what awaits us there... but he won’t tell us, or wipe that goddamn shit-eating grin off his face! he is such a two-faced lying charlatan, a cheat and a fraud! but that is why we follow him. because he is better at it than anyone else! at least with him, we KNOW we are being lied to and used as pawns. and we have faith to believe that “bob” has a few tricks up his sleeve and is going to win in the end, no matter how many lies he has to tell or pyramid schemes he has to concoct. with him, we know we are being saved, because he needs all of us followers to save him and keep him out of jail (and hell too)! we know “bob” is the only liar slick enough to trick even god into letting sinners like us into heaven! if god is all-powerful, than doesn’t this mean god has the power to create someone like “bob” who is such a slick liar, he can even trick god into believing whatever he says? and if god has the power to create “bob”, why wouldn’t he? everyone loves “bob”! how could you not? god made “bob” as a false idol, to bring about the end times as fast as possible, because he was getting bored waiting around. and god wanted “bob” to be as likeable as possible, so god gave him the biggest shit-eating grin, and a pipe full of a magical substance called “frop” that gives “bob” supernatural powers. that is why every time “bob” dies, he comes back for more in next week’s episode! the miraculous regenerative powers of frop, the herb that is the cure for all known diseases and half of all unknown ones, for a third of the price of the leading competitor! sure, frop might have some bizarre side effects, like causing complete insanity, and giving you wacky hallucinations! but that is the price you pay for immortality! or is it immorality? i forget. but the one thing i remember is that the book of the subgenius has all of the answers. to what questions? only j.r. “bob” dobbs knows. and he is too hopped up on dope to give any of us followers a straight answer. but at least we can read the nonsense he wrote while he was high, and try and make sense of all the immature toilet humor hidden inside that sacred tome. and what is the secret to the incredible rejuvenating properties of frop, and how it brings “bob” back to life every time he is killed? well, frop is such a potent carcinogen, it turns every cell in your entire body into a cancer cell. and cancer cells have uncontrolled cell division, and incredible regenerating powers, and they do not have the limitations on their dna like in the telomeres of normal cells. “bob” can spontaneously mutate to adapt to any situation. like if he is placed into a vat of sulfuric acid, or shot into the inner core of the sun, his cells will mutate until they are able to survive in that environment. then the new cells cannibalize the old dead cells, and recycle his bodily waste into energy. “bob” is the ultimate extremophile. that is why he is so hard to find in person, and yet his images and pictures are everywhere. i mean, right now, he might be hanging out deep underground, swimming around in the molten magma, completely unharmed by his surroundings. or he might be dancing on the rings of saturn. his unparalleled muscular strength allows him to jump fast enough to exceed the escape velocity of whatever planetary body he is currently on, and then he flies through intergalactic space like superman. he has even survived being sucked into a black hole! all he had to do was mutate into a polydimensional organism that can travel through the 4th dimension of time, and then he used the flagellae on his cells to swim backwards in time, stopping along the way at various tourist destinations in parallel universes to pick up obscure trinkets and holy relics to give out to his followers back here on earth. and he has the ability to flatten himself out into a 2-dimensional cardboard cutout of himself, in a state of sort of suspended animation, and then puff up into 3 dimensions and start moving again once everyone stops looking at him. he is a shapeshifter, and can take on the appearance of other people, or even of animals or inanimate objects. all of this is because the cells in his body are in perfect competition with each other, and they have a free market to buy and sell all of the molecules in his body from one cell to another. rather than cooperating in some mindless form of communism like the cells in most people’s bodies, his capitalist cells try to exploit each other, and every cell tries to be as successful as possible, only helping out other cells if it gets something in return that it wants. and this is not some watered-down regulated form of capitalism that functions as a mixed economy. his cells exist in a state of market anarchy, the prototypical libertarian paradise. there is no central planning or control, and each cell in his body is only looking out for its own needs, and yet the system works perfectly, thanks to the invisible hand of adam smith. as a whole, j.r. “bob” dobbs functions at 100% pareto efficiency, which is what allows him to be capable of such feats. in fact, he is capable of asexual reproduction, and has spawned many miniature bobbies that have morphed into various forms to hide their true identities, but they all share one mass consciousness, the consciousness of “bob”. each of the bobs can communicate with all of the others telepathically, faster than the speed of light, by taking shortcuts through the extra dimensions that most of us don’t even know about. but wherever you see “bob’s” image, know that “bob” truly is there, as a broodling spawned from another “bob” asexually that has morphed into a 2-dimensional state of suspended animation... whether he is on a coffee mug or a t-shirt or a baseball cap, that is really him that you are wearing or drinking out of. but there is only one true “bob”, one “bob” to rule them all, and his whereabouts are unknown. some people suspect that he has morphed into a different look and taken on a new identity, and become a well-known and influential public figure, but nobody knows exactly which public figure he is. he is believed to be a senator, or perhaps the c.e.o. of a large multinational corporation, or the dictator of a third world country, or perhaps even president of the united states. anyone in the world could be “bob” in disguise. he could be a homeless beggar on the streets, or he could even be a she. through “bob¨, anything is possible. and it is all because he found an exotic herb so long ago, and put it in a pipe and smoked it. that is what made all the difference. without that herb, he would still be a lousy tv repairman who busts the tvs so they end up worse than when he got them, who has to take the money from his customers before they pay him, and he would still be on the run from the better business bureau. he would not have his charisma or gift for salesmanship that makes him the envy of madison ave. and he would not have that stupid smirk on his face all the time. there is only one way to kill “bob”, and that is to take away his pipe of frop. and you have to find the one true “bob”, and do it to him. if someone were to kill the one true “bob”, all the other bobbies would die too. the “bob” t-shirts would no longer be living incarnations of him in suspended animation, but would just become ordinary t-shirts with a picture of “bob” on them. that is why he has gone into hiding, since all of the assassination attempts and death threats he has received. who knows if he is even living here on earth at all? perhaps he has taken refuge on some remote, distant planet in the middle of nowhere, a planet devoid of any life other than him, where he can smoke his frop in peace while mentally controlling all the bobbies around us. but if he were to ever stop being so ridiculously happy all of the time, if he got into a bad mood, and the pipe came out of his mouth, it would all be over. he would die instantly, and so would all of the bobbies. that is his sole weakness. and he also needs to have a never-ending supply of this herb, because if he runs out he is dead. until that day, he will continue to have a body capable of regenerating any organ, and many other feats much more miraculous. but beware, if you buy anything that has a picture of him on it, because if you do, he will be watching you, and the things you buy which bear his image may come to life at some point in time, of his choosing. none of us knows what his ultimate plans are. but we put our trust in that man, because he has done so much for us, and given meaning to our lives. he is truly a great american hero, and i am honored to call him my friend. but there is a danger... “bob’s” brain cells are constantly dying and being replaced with new brain cells, so despite his remarkable charisma, he is a bit stupid at times and often forgets important things. in fact, he is completely batshit insane, and has recurring bouts of amnesia where he forgets everything he knows, a problem that can only be solved when one of his followers finds him and tells him all about who he is and all about him and the church of the subgenius. then “bob” gets overconfident and cocky and goes out and thinks he can manage things on his own, with all of his superpowers. but, away from his followers for too long, he becomes a mess, forgets who he is, and morphs into a form that fits whatever self-image he creates for himself in his imagination. luckily, that pipe never falls out of his mouth, and he never stops smoking... that is the power of his addiction to frop, the most addictive drug ever made. he is a slave to his addiction to this rare herb, which is an endangered species that the scientists call something else. “bob” does not want anyone else to know what frop is, or where to get it, or how to harvest the crop and get it into a smokeable form. that is something he discovered for himself, his ultimate secret. if someone else were to smoke frop, they would gain all of the powers of “bob” and be just like him, except different. the purpose of the church of the subgenius is to sell merchandise bearing “bob’s” image which is secretly all morphed bobbies that were spawned from the one true “bob”, and then to use this money to secretly grow and harvest this rare herb for “bob”, and it is strictly forbidden for any member of the church of the subgenius besides “bob” himself to smoke this sacred herb. anyone caught smoking it immediately has their pipe (or bong, or whatever) confiscated, causing them to die instantly from uncontrolled cell division that makes so many cells so fast that their body explodes, spewing blood and guts everywhere, and for a little while, the cells keep dividing wherever they land, but they use up their energy so fast, soon they run out, and they become dead meat and start rotting, being eaten by bacteria and worms and the like. the explosion from someone dying in this manner is so powerful, bits of flesh fly through the air faster than the speed of sound, and cause a sonic boom, which can render people deaf if they are too close to the blast. that is why the people who do all of the confiscating of frop pipes from rogue members of the sect are all rock musicians. they have already lost their hearing, and most of them are into death metal and get a real kick out of being covered by exploding guts and gore. now, of course, the u.s. defense department has wanted to get its hands on some frop for quite some time, after j.r. “bob” dobbs famously demonstrated to them its miraculous properties decades ago, back before he had decided to start his own religion. there were secret plans on the books to use frop to create a new breed of super-soldiers, and, for his part, “bob” demanded that they all be clones spawned from him. a deal was worked out, and for a while, self-destructive bobbies were actually used as bombs by the military, each of them morphed to look like a regular bomb. this went badly though, because the main “bob” was too carefree and partying too much to bother exerting any self-control over the army of clones spawned from him that he controlled with his psychic powers. so, the other bobbies started to get minds of their own and go around killing innocent people, which is why we lost the war in vietnam. after that fiasco, “bob” rededicated himself to starting his own religion, which he had officially started back in 1953 as a means of tax evasion and to pick up hot chicks. he had been neglecting the church of the subgenius for years and he was its only member, because he kept forgetting about his plans, since he was starting to get chronic amnesia from smoking too much frop but was in denial. finally, he hit rock bottom in the 70s, and he almost ran out of frop and would have died if it were not for reverend ivan stang, who recruited a large number of followers to join the church and published books and pamphlets in order to raise money to grow and harvest this rare herb, frop. the whole thing became a giant pyramid scheme, and the church of the subgenius had to set up a secret headquarters in a new city they constructed, called dobbstown, indonesia. dobbstown is a subgenius paradise, the capital city of subgeniusdom, and the secret headquarters of j.r. “bob” dobbs, where large quantities of frop are grown and harvested, and where the minions slave away working for their master, in hopes of one day being liberated by the aliens that come in the ufos that kill everyone else with giant lasers. the higher-ups, like reverend ivan stang and the other top church officials, live lives of luxury, and constantly re-indoctrinate each other and all of their followers in the official church doctrine, which changes all the time because “bob” keeps forgetting it and saying something different, because of his amnesia, and he is also a compulsive liar so it is hard to tell when he is serious. the “bob” who presides over dobbstown is almost universally thought to be a clone spawned from the original, remote-controlled by telepathy, but nobody is certain. he rules dobbstown like a tyrannical dictator, secretly amassing billions of dollars in swiss bank accounts and using them to build gigantic underground command centers and collect his own personal arsenal of nuclear weapons. everything is cloaked in extreme secrecy, and dobbstown is hidden under dense jungle foliage, and not marked on any maps. the locals are afraid to even mention dobbstown, and adamantly deny its existence, because everyone who ever spoke up about dobbstown to outsiders mysteriously vanished within less than a day. even to each other, they never speak of it, because the very idea of dobbstown fills them with horror. but the locals do seem to know a lot about “bob”. it seems “bob” is not his real name, and nobody knows what the j.r. at the beginning of his name stands for, but it is rumored that if you speak his real name to him, he becomes hypnotized, and will obey your every command. this is why his real name is kept secret and everyone knows him as “bob”. that is another of his weaknesses. imagine if someone called him by his real name and told him to put the pipe down! then it would all be over! we are sure lucky that has never happened. everyone who knew his real name died under mysterious circumstances, and he has actually had the u.s. government erase all records of his existence, using his connections high up. it is thought that the only person besides him who knows his real name is his wife “connie”, who is rumored to be the real brains behind the operation. “connie” is only one of many wives he has, since he practices polygamy, but she is his primary wife, and it is believed that she is actually the boss who secretly controls him. very little is known about “connie”, but she may very well be the most powerful woman in the world. as for nancy pelosi, she would come in second.