whoa nancy!

apparently nancy pelosi reads my blog. she followed my advice in the last blog post TO THE LETTER. she actually named someone good to head the intelligence committee, which was hard, because most people in congress lack intelligence. his name is silvestre reyes, and he is a latino democrat from texas who is highly qualified and not beset by any scandals. wow! i had no idea i had so much influence in washington! these delusions of grandeur i am pretending to have sure are comical, nay? or is it yea? eh? i’m canadian, eh? anyway, nancy pelosi is acting quite impressive, for a politician. that is to say, i am impressed with her, so far, since the election. i mean sure she chose the wrong dude for house majority leader, but the way she gracefully handled that defeat, and how she maintained friendly relations and was cordial with everyone involved... that was just amazing. i mean, i guess she had to, cuz this steny hoyer guy from maryland is going to be the #2 democrat in the house, and he had better get along with the #1 democrat in the house for the house democrats to have any success at all. but she actually seemed to, like, genuinely get along with steny hoyer at the press conference on the day he won the majority leader position. this defied all the press reports about her and steny hoyer hating each other’s guts. i wonder if all this nonsense about nancy pelosi and jane harman hating each other is right. i mean, the democrats unanimously chose nancy pelosi to be the next speaker; that means jane harman had to be one of those unanimous votes. so like, how dare jane harman oppose someone she supports! how incredibly inconsistent! and how dare nancy pelosi turn her back on one of her supporters! since all democrats in the house unanimously approved nancy pelosi, this means nancy pelosi needs to support all democrats in the house, even the ones she doesn’t like! it is the least she could do, after all they have done for her! anyway, i am just being fecetious. i am glad to see trent lott is back in the senate republican leadership. i missed him. he was always so folksy, in that traditionally racist white southerner with a pre-anti-segregation-movement mentality sort of way. isn’t it interesting, how racist white southerners used to be part of the democratic party (like strom thurmond et al) but then they all deserted and joined the republican party after the civil rights act was passed? they were basically told they were no longer welcome anymore because they were intolerant bigots. and good riddance! you republicans can keep the intolerant bigots! we don’t want them back! you can keep your confederate flag-waving racist sexist homophobic anti-semitic anti-immigrant xenophobic anti-enlightenment anti-disestablishmentarianist white trash wingnutjobs to yourselves! i mean, look... i know us democrats also have some crazy whack jobs in our party too. i know this because whenever i look at fox news, the democrats they have on are always the craziest whack jobs in the entire party, just to make us all look bad. but, those jackasses who are dumb enough to go on fox news to make their own party look bad are not representatives of the party or official party spokespeople. i, on the other hand, am a very-very-low-level party operative, a political hack so hackish that even the biggest political hacks i help to get elected won’t help me get a job because i am so much more of a political hack than them or anyone else. i mean, my level of political hackishness is so high, it reaches past the stratosphere, all the way to the fricken moon. that is why sometimes i say things negative about my own side, to at least try to put on an appearance of not being a completely one-sided partisan hack, to try and make myself look like i am at least somewhat independent-minded. of course, that is all a big lie, and i am the most one-sided partisan hack in the world. i am about as independent-minded as the republican operatives dick nixon sent to raid the democratic headquarters in the watergate hotel. or, to put it another way, i am about as independent-minded as hugo chavez when he is in the same room with fidel castro. to put it bluntly, i have the mentality of a dog. woof! it is better than having the mentality of a cat. lou dobbs on cnn has a cat mentality. i like j.r. “bob” dobbs better, for he is the living slack master, my short duration personal savior. i am a dyed-in-the-wool subgenius, sharing my yeti dna with subgenii all over the world. praise fucking “bob”! i can’t believe some people think this subgenius religion is just one big joke, or that it is a mockery of other religions! how dare you belittle my faith like that! the church of the subgenius has a long and rich oral history dating back to 1953, and we are the only ones who will be saved when the aliens come on the flying saucers to kill off the rest of humanity with their giant lasers! we will be safely up in the flying saucers, being pleasured by the alien sex goddesses, as we return to the aliens’ home planet. only “bob” knows what awaits us there... but he won’t tell us, or wipe that goddamn shit-eating grin off his face! he is such a two-faced lying charlatan, a cheat and a fraud! but that is why we follow him. because he is better at it than anyone else! at least with him, we KNOW we are being lied to and used as pawns. and we have faith to believe that “bob” has a few tricks up his sleeve and is going to win in the end, no matter how many lies he has to tell or pyramid schemes he has to concoct. with him, we know we are being saved, because he needs all of us followers to save him and keep him out of jail (and hell too)! we know “bob” is the only liar slick enough to trick even god into letting sinners like us into heaven! if god is all-powerful, than doesn’t this mean god has the power to create someone like “bob” who is such a slick liar, he can even trick god into believing whatever he says? and if god has the power to create “bob”, why wouldn’t he? everyone loves “bob”! how could you not? god made “bob” as a false idol, to bring about the end times as fast as possible, because he was getting bored waiting around. and god wanted “bob” to be as likeable as possible, so god gave him the biggest shit-eating grin, and a pipe full of a magical substance called “frop” that gives “bob” supernatural powers. that is why every time “bob” dies, he comes back for more in next week’s episode! the miraculous regenerative powers of frop, the herb that is the cure for all known diseases and half of all unknown ones, for a third of the price of the leading competitor! sure, frop might have some bizarre side effects, like causing complete insanity, and giving you wacky hallucinations! but that is the price you pay for immortality! or is it immorality? i forget. but the one thing i remember is that the book of the subgenius has all of the answers. to what questions? only j.r. “bob” dobbs knows. and he is too hopped up on dope to give any of us followers a straight answer. but at least we can read the nonsense he wrote while he was high, and try and make sense of all the immature toilet humor hidden inside that sacred tome. and what is the secret to the incredible rejuvenating properties of frop, and how it brings “bob” back to life every time he is killed? well, frop is such a potent carcinogen, it turns every cell in your entire body into a cancer cell. and cancer cells have uncontrolled cell division, and incredible regenerating powers, and they do not have the limitations on their dna like in the telomeres of normal cells. “bob” can spontaneously mutate to adapt to any situation. like if he is placed into a vat of sulfuric acid, or shot into the inner core of the sun, his cells will mutate until they are able to survive in that environment. then the new cells cannibalize the old dead cells, and recycle his bodily waste into energy. “bob” is the ultimate extremophile. that is why he is so hard to find in person, and yet his images and pictures are everywhere. i mean, right now, he might be hanging out deep underground, swimming around in the molten magma, completely unharmed by his surroundings. or he might be dancing on the rings of saturn. his unparalleled muscular strength allows him to jump fast enough to exceed the escape velocity of whatever planetary body he is currently on, and then he flies through intergalactic space like superman. he has even survived being sucked into a black hole! all he had to do was mutate into a polydimensional organism that can travel through the 4th dimension of time, and then he used the flagellae on his cells to swim backwards in time, stopping along the way at various tourist destinations in parallel universes to pick up obscure trinkets and holy relics to give out to his followers back here on earth. and he has the ability to flatten himself out into a 2-dimensional cardboard cutout of himself, in a state of sort of suspended animation, and then puff up into 3 dimensions and start moving again once everyone stops looking at him. he is a shapeshifter, and can take on the appearance of other people, or even of animals or inanimate objects. all of this is because the cells in his body are in perfect competition with each other, and they have a free market to buy and sell all of the molecules in his body from one cell to another. rather than cooperating in some mindless form of communism like the cells in most people’s bodies, his capitalist cells try to exploit each other, and every cell tries to be as successful as possible, only helping out other cells if it gets something in return that it wants. and this is not some watered-down regulated form of capitalism that functions as a mixed economy. his cells exist in a state of market anarchy, the prototypical libertarian paradise. there is no central planning or control, and each cell in his body is only looking out for its own needs, and yet the system works perfectly, thanks to the invisible hand of adam smith. as a whole, j.r. “bob” dobbs functions at 100% pareto efficiency, which is what allows him to be capable of such feats. in fact, he is capable of asexual reproduction, and has spawned many miniature bobbies that have morphed into various forms to hide their true identities, but they all share one mass consciousness, the consciousness of “bob”. each of the bobs can communicate with all of the others telepathically, faster than the speed of light, by taking shortcuts through the extra dimensions that most of us don’t even know about. but wherever you see “bob’s” image, know that “bob” truly is there, as a broodling spawned from another “bob” asexually that has morphed into a 2-dimensional state of suspended animation... whether he is on a coffee mug or a t-shirt or a baseball cap, that is really him that you are wearing or drinking out of. but there is only one true “bob”, one “bob” to rule them all, and his whereabouts are unknown. some people suspect that he has morphed into a different look and taken on a new identity, and become a well-known and influential public figure, but nobody knows exactly which public figure he is. he is believed to be a senator, or perhaps the c.e.o. of a large multinational corporation, or the dictator of a third world country, or perhaps even president of the united states. anyone in the world could be “bob” in disguise. he could be a homeless beggar on the streets, or he could even be a she. through “bob¨, anything is possible. and it is all because he found an exotic herb so long ago, and put it in a pipe and smoked it. that is what made all the difference. without that herb, he would still be a lousy tv repairman who busts the tvs so they end up worse than when he got them, who has to take the money from his customers before they pay him, and he would still be on the run from the better business bureau. he would not have his charisma or gift for salesmanship that makes him the envy of madison ave. and he would not have that stupid smirk on his face all the time. there is only one way to kill “bob”, and that is to take away his pipe of frop. and you have to find the one true “bob”, and do it to him. if someone were to kill the one true “bob”, all the other bobbies would die too. the “bob” t-shirts would no longer be living incarnations of him in suspended animation, but would just become ordinary t-shirts with a picture of “bob” on them. that is why he has gone into hiding, since all of the assassination attempts and death threats he has received. who knows if he is even living here on earth at all? perhaps he has taken refuge on some remote, distant planet in the middle of nowhere, a planet devoid of any life other than him, where he can smoke his frop in peace while mentally controlling all the bobbies around us. but if he were to ever stop being so ridiculously happy all of the time, if he got into a bad mood, and the pipe came out of his mouth, it would all be over. he would die instantly, and so would all of the bobbies. that is his sole weakness. and he also needs to have a never-ending supply of this herb, because if he runs out he is dead. until that day, he will continue to have a body capable of regenerating any organ, and many other feats much more miraculous. but beware, if you buy anything that has a picture of him on it, because if you do, he will be watching you, and the things you buy which bear his image may come to life at some point in time, of his choosing. none of us knows what his ultimate plans are. but we put our trust in that man, because he has done so much for us, and given meaning to our lives. he is truly a great american hero, and i am honored to call him my friend. but there is a danger... “bob’s” brain cells are constantly dying and being replaced with new brain cells, so despite his remarkable charisma, he is a bit stupid at times and often forgets important things. in fact, he is completely batshit insane, and has recurring bouts of amnesia where he forgets everything he knows, a problem that can only be solved when one of his followers finds him and tells him all about who he is and all about him and the church of the subgenius. then “bob” gets overconfident and cocky and goes out and thinks he can manage things on his own, with all of his superpowers. but, away from his followers for too long, he becomes a mess, forgets who he is, and morphs into a form that fits whatever self-image he creates for himself in his imagination. luckily, that pipe never falls out of his mouth, and he never stops smoking... that is the power of his addiction to frop, the most addictive drug ever made. he is a slave to his addiction to this rare herb, which is an endangered species that the scientists call something else. “bob” does not want anyone else to know what frop is, or where to get it, or how to harvest the crop and get it into a smokeable form. that is something he discovered for himself, his ultimate secret. if someone else were to smoke frop, they would gain all of the powers of “bob” and be just like him, except different. the purpose of the church of the subgenius is to sell merchandise bearing “bob’s” image which is secretly all morphed bobbies that were spawned from the one true “bob”, and then to use this money to secretly grow and harvest this rare herb for “bob”, and it is strictly forbidden for any member of the church of the subgenius besides “bob” himself to smoke this sacred herb. anyone caught smoking it immediately has their pipe (or bong, or whatever) confiscated, causing them to die instantly from uncontrolled cell division that makes so many cells so fast that their body explodes, spewing blood and guts everywhere, and for a little while, the cells keep dividing wherever they land, but they use up their energy so fast, soon they run out, and they become dead meat and start rotting, being eaten by bacteria and worms and the like. the explosion from someone dying in this manner is so powerful, bits of flesh fly through the air faster than the speed of sound, and cause a sonic boom, which can render people deaf if they are too close to the blast. that is why the people who do all of the confiscating of frop pipes from rogue members of the sect are all rock musicians. they have already lost their hearing, and most of them are into death metal and get a real kick out of being covered by exploding guts and gore. now, of course, the u.s. defense department has wanted to get its hands on some frop for quite some time, after j.r. “bob” dobbs famously demonstrated to them its miraculous properties decades ago, back before he had decided to start his own religion. there were secret plans on the books to use frop to create a new breed of super-soldiers, and, for his part, “bob” demanded that they all be clones spawned from him. a deal was worked out, and for a while, self-destructive bobbies were actually used as bombs by the military, each of them morphed to look like a regular bomb. this went badly though, because the main “bob” was too carefree and partying too much to bother exerting any self-control over the army of clones spawned from him that he controlled with his psychic powers. so, the other bobbies started to get minds of their own and go around killing innocent people, which is why we lost the war in vietnam. after that fiasco, “bob” rededicated himself to starting his own religion, which he had officially started back in 1953 as a means of tax evasion and to pick up hot chicks. he had been neglecting the church of the subgenius for years and he was its only member, because he kept forgetting about his plans, since he was starting to get chronic amnesia from smoking too much frop but was in denial. finally, he hit rock bottom in the 70s, and he almost ran out of frop and would have died if it were not for reverend ivan stang, who recruited a large number of followers to join the church and published books and pamphlets in order to raise money to grow and harvest this rare herb, frop. the whole thing became a giant pyramid scheme, and the church of the subgenius had to set up a secret headquarters in a new city they constructed, called dobbstown, indonesia. dobbstown is a subgenius paradise, the capital city of subgeniusdom, and the secret headquarters of j.r. “bob” dobbs, where large quantities of frop are grown and harvested, and where the minions slave away working for their master, in hopes of one day being liberated by the aliens that come in the ufos that kill everyone else with giant lasers. the higher-ups, like reverend ivan stang and the other top church officials, live lives of luxury, and constantly re-indoctrinate each other and all of their followers in the official church doctrine, which changes all the time because “bob” keeps forgetting it and saying something different, because of his amnesia, and he is also a compulsive liar so it is hard to tell when he is serious. the “bob” who presides over dobbstown is almost universally thought to be a clone spawned from the original, remote-controlled by telepathy, but nobody is certain. he rules dobbstown like a tyrannical dictator, secretly amassing billions of dollars in swiss bank accounts and using them to build gigantic underground command centers and collect his own personal arsenal of nuclear weapons. everything is cloaked in extreme secrecy, and dobbstown is hidden under dense jungle foliage, and not marked on any maps. the locals are afraid to even mention dobbstown, and adamantly deny its existence, because everyone who ever spoke up about dobbstown to outsiders mysteriously vanished within less than a day. even to each other, they never speak of it, because the very idea of dobbstown fills them with horror. but the locals do seem to know a lot about “bob”. it seems “bob” is not his real name, and nobody knows what the j.r. at the beginning of his name stands for, but it is rumored that if you speak his real name to him, he becomes hypnotized, and will obey your every command. this is why his real name is kept secret and everyone knows him as “bob”. that is another of his weaknesses. imagine if someone called him by his real name and told him to put the pipe down! then it would all be over! we are sure lucky that has never happened. everyone who knew his real name died under mysterious circumstances, and he has actually had the u.s. government erase all records of his existence, using his connections high up. it is thought that the only person besides him who knows his real name is his wife “connie”, who is rumored to be the real brains behind the operation. “connie” is only one of many wives he has, since he practices polygamy, but she is his primary wife, and it is believed that she is actually the boss who secretly controls him. very little is known about “connie”, but she may very well be the most powerful woman in the world. as for nancy pelosi, she would come in second.