my policy statement on iraq

i support the conclusions and recommendations of the iraq study group 100%. i endorse all 79 of their recommendations wholeheartedly and enthusiastically. many have criticized them for failing to actually visit the parts of iraq outside the green zone, but i think it was wise on their part, since it probably would have killed all those old white men of the establishment who make up the iraq study group. i kid, i kid. they are not all old white men. sandra day o’connor is a member, and she is a woman (her claim to fame is being a former supreme court justice). vernon jordan is the token black member (he was a close friend of president bill clinton). as for old? yes! they are all old! all of them were born between 1927 and 1939. in other words, they are practically older than abe vigoda, who has been dead for 24 years! it would have been nice to have some younger people on the panel. like maybe, oh i dunno, lindsay lohan? lindsay lohan is a very high-ranking democratic party operative, and also very young. websites were posting pictures of her nipples while she was still underage! a recent press leak from lindsay lohan says that she can get al gore, hillary clinton, and bill clinton to help improve her public image. so, she would be perfect as a representative of the younger generation, as one of the democrats in the iraq study group. but, too late for that. maybe the next time there is a bipartisan commission to study something, we can put her on it. it would certainly make things more interesting. as for republicans, i think maybe jessica simpson? is she a republican? i don’t think paris hilton is, and certainly not madonna or the dixie chicks. i wonder if britney spears is republican... maybe if we examine the inside of her vagina, by digitally enhancing recent photographs leaked to the press, we can deduce whether the left wing or the right wing of her vagina lips is bigger. it certainly is interesting how the media is so obsessed with showing everyone the private parts of attractive young women. why doesn’t the media try to show us the penises of famous male celebrities? i think there may be more than a little sexism in the tabloid media. it is certainly quite disrespectful of them to treat attractive young women as mindless sex objects. i would like people to know that young people in general, whether we are male or female, attractive or ugly, generally behave stupidly a good portion of the time, and any of us would seem like an idiot if we were subject to that much scrutiny by the tabloid press. but we are not really idiots! we young people just like to have some fun and sometimes if one of us is a little drunk or high we might say something stupid and then bad shit happens to us. but, like, whatever! mel gibson and michael richards have both had recent breakdowns, and we found out that mel gibson is an anti-semite and michael richards is a card-carrying member of the ku klux klan. but kramer is still funny on the old seinfeld reruns. especially in that one episode where he is wearing a white sheet and puts that burning cross in front of the place where the black people live, and calls them all niggers. wow, what a funny white supremacist. and isn’t it great how mel gibson hates the jews but loves the mayan native americans so much? he is such a big fan of the mayans, it blows my mind. i don’t know how, but somehow he manages to forgive the ancient mayan civilization for not accepting jesus christ as its collective personal savior. it is too bad he cannot forgive the jews for the same mistake the mayans made. anyway, i think mel gibson would be a good addition to the next bipartisan commission, representing the republicans, of course. his conservative viewpoints might not always match those of the current republican leadership, but i think mel gibson is a good solid paleoconservative, in the model of pat buchanan. and lindsay lohan is a limosuine liberal, as bill o’reilly would say. it is certainly a great and wonderful thing that the biggest role models for young women today are people like britney spears, paris hilton, madonna, pamela anderson, lindsay lohan, and the bush twins. all of them are a bunch of whores, of course. it is wonderful that we have a media that focuses on whores like them, and idolizes them while at the same time trying to show everyone the private parts of celebrities against their will. i mean, can you imagine how awful it would be if we had a media that glorified young women who actually accomplished good things, who weren’t total whores? like, the media makes fun of chelsea clinton and insults her, because she isn’t a whore like those other young ladies, but has actually pursued a successful career as something other than an actress, singer, or prostitute. and remember how the media used to idolize leonardo dicaprio, or how they currently think george clooney is sexy for some reason? why don’t they ever have a “penis slip”, or anything like that? why doesn’t the media try to turn famous men into mindless sex objects? and what is the deal with angelina jolie? angelina jolie is amazing because she has somehow managed to escape being typecast as a dumb whore, and has actually accomplished good things in the world, and gotten the media to cover her seriously. she is still a whore of course, with her private parts on display all over the internet, but people take her seriously because she has accomplished a lot more than those other whores, like all that stuff she does for the u.n. and for children in third world countries. it is still kind of surprising to me, because i saw an hour-long interview of angelina jolie with anderson cooper on cnn, which took all of her humanitarian work very seriously, and not once did he ask her to show him her tits in exchange for some mardi gras beads. not once! maybe anderson cooper is trying to be more of a serious news reporter, and less like lou dobbs, glenn beck, bill o’reilly, keith olbermann, geraldo rivera, joe scarborough, nancy grace, pat buchanan, sean hannity, neil cavuto, barbara walters, john stossel, connie chung, dan rather, andy rooney, chris matthews, michael savage, or katie couric. a real reporter, like christiane amanpour, peter jennings, tom brokaw, wolf blitzer, ted koppel, tim russert, jon stewart, stephen colbert, or borat sagdiyev. hmm... it is getting harder and harder to tell real news from fake news, because of all the truthiness. and having tony snow, a former news reporter, as white house press secretary, makes things even harder. how can we sort it out when all the reporters used to be politicians and all the politicians used to be reporters and all the comedians are trying to be reporters and all the reporters are trying to be comedians? soon the politicians will try to be comedians and then comedians will become politicians! never forget that half the people on air america radio are, by profession, comedians! who knows how many comedians have infiltrated the associated press or the 24-hour news networks? half the news sites out there now display headlines from theonion.com, including the sites for cnn and msnbc! and half the people on the daily show used to work for the onion! half the people who started air america radio used to work for the daily show! we are in a never-ending cycle of politicians retiring to become reporters and then going back into politics, and comedians becoming politicially involved and then becoming fake reporters and then thinking about going into politics! in the meantime, all the people who started out as reporters are trying to become political but they have to do it in a comedic way to avoid alienating people! it is amazing to see people like lou dobbs and keith olbermann change their personalities and become much more political on their shows, dropping all pretense of being unbiased reporters. keith olbermann is trying to also be funny on his show sometimes, while lou dobbs is trying to make himself into some kind of spokesman/hero for middle class white people from the heartland. and everyone who is still acting like a serious news reporter is under constant criticism from all sides for their supposed bias! in today’s tabloidish environment, everything has to be entertainment, nothing is ever serious, and there is no authoritative source for the truth. and everyone is a whore. there is nothing but hype and hyperbole, and it takes a group of people like the iraq study group to bring some seriousness and a reality check to the whole messy affair of journalism and politics. the media is so interconnected with the politicians, nobody realizes how important a role the media plays in shaping political decisionmaking. comedy is no laughing matter! we need to take this seriously and stop the foolish name-calling! everyone is acting like a bunch of children, so we need to bring out people born in the 1920s and 1930s to sort everything out! how appropriate... we ought to listen to our elders. they are certainly more wise than people such as lindsey lohan. james baker and lee hamilton have a lot more wisdom and experience than these n00bz. let us talk to iran and syria! talk to mahmoud ahmadenijad! bring the troops home by 2008! train the iraqis to defend themselves! work out a political compromise between sunni and shiite leaders! all of them are wonderful ideas. too bad none of them will be implemented by our prez-o-dent. sore loserman! i hope tony blair wises up before he leaves office. tony blair is the only bastard who can convince bush to fix this shit in iraq. dick cheney and karl rove are ideologues, and condoleezza rice brings less logic and reason to the table than “slam dunk” george tenet. at least we have a new defense secretary who is part of the reality-based community. but i don’t think bush will listen to him anyway; robert gates was just hired for show, and will be forced into line just like they did to colin powell. we need to bring colin powell back. at least he has a brain, or some reasonable facsimilie thereof. he could help bush avoid bushwhacking himself any more than he already has. or james baker. the thing with james baker is, he has too many saudi ties, so he can’t be trusted, since the saudis were behind 9/11 and have never been punished. oh well. i suppose we probably have to keep the saudi royal family in power despite their treachery, because the only alternative is to have al qaeda run saudi arabia, given osama bin laden’s sky-high approval rating in that country. it is bad enough with this mess in iraq, so we ought to leave the saudis alone so we can keep getting their cheap oil. and the same goes for hugo chavez in venezuela; he may be a communist, but he sells us cheap oil, and we need him to stay in power to avoid disrupting the oil supply. we should have left saddam hussein in power too. saddam hussein was a strong leader, something iraq needs right now. perhaps muqtada al-sadr might be a worthy successor, a strong enough leader to unite iraq and monopolize the use of violence under his own command. we ought to help muqtada al-sadr become a totalitarian dictator in iraq. it would fit right in with jean kirkpatrick and her famous essay “dictatorships and double standards”, published in 1979. in honor of jean kirkpatrick, let us make muqtada al-sadr dictator of iraq! he deserves it. then oil will be cheap once again. to quote lindsay lohan,