how pathetic can i get?

do you ever get the sense that you are a complete pathetic failure as a human being? i get that feeling all the time. i am a pessimist, you see. especially when it comes to self-image. now, the fake name “numinous ubiquity” does not really tell much about who i am, so i guess i’ll explain a bit. i was valedictorian of my high school, graduated an ivy league university with a double major in computer science and mathematics, and now i can’t find a job. you know how many girlfriends i have ever had? zero. how many times have i had sex? just once. last november. it was no good. whose fault was it, that the sex was no good? mine. now, i do not normally have any problem getting an erection, if i am sexually aroused. but, the odd thing was, i was not really sexually aroused or turned on at all when i had sex. the whole thing seemed too fake and scripted, and, to be honest, the girl did not exactly have the sexiest body in the world. let’s just say there is an obesity epidemic in the united states, and she was a victim. of course, i knew that in advance, and went forward with it anyway. i don’t even know if it counts as sex, since i did not even have an orgasm. i did have an erection for a while, and went through about 5 condoms, since the girl seemed to think that you should replace the condom with a new one periodically during sex, to avoid any of them getting worn out and ripping. but, my failure to reach orgasm was rather traumatic... i was 23 years old and had never had sex before, and there was a lot of internal pressure inside me, telling me i had to succeed. so, i did the next best thing, and brought the girl to orgasm. several times. using my fingers, in a certain part of her anatomy. anyway, that is the only girl i ever did anything sexual with. and of course i have never done anything with another guy, because that is disgusting. anyway, i have a tremendous sense of being a failure in this area, and just incredible amounts of self-loathing. i wonder if there are actually any pretty girls with nice bodies who would be willing to date me. they have to be pretty and have nice bodies for one reason and one reason only: my dick is not going to shoot out the juice for just anyone. if my dick does not like you, there is no hope in having a romantic relationship, because i will be physically incapable of ejaculation, due to my mental block. it is very similar to how i feel about cheese. i hate cheese, i refuse to ever eat it, and if i taste cheese in something, it makes me feel like vomiting. and if i want to, i can act on that impulse, and vomit. or i can try and calm myself down and somehow manage to eat cheese and not throw up. but, basically, what happens is, my mind rejects cheese, and my mental block causes my body to physically prevent me from eating cheese, by using vomiting and the gag reflex. i think this is the same thing that prevented my dick from being able to ejaculate, and then made my erection fade away after just a few minutes. but why the hell am i so stupid? i just thought i could fuck any consenting adult of the opposite sex, for some reason. theoretically, i saw no reason that i would be unable to have sex with someone who is unattractive, as long as they have the proper anatomy. but, i was wrong. anyway, i continue to be a pathetic loser, and have not really accomplished anything since graduating college, besides having sex once, and getting my comptia a+ certification for repairing computers. nobody wants to hire me for a job! wtf? i can’t even get a job through a temp agency, and i have signed up at all of them, and call them up every week to tell them i am still interested. i mean, am i really that big a failure, is it really that obvious? christ... i sure wish i did not have all these asperger’s syndrome problems that prevent me from having any social skills. oh well. and you know what else? i am incredibly disorganized, and cannot maintain any sort of normal sleep schedule. i miss appointments all the time, i do not fulfill my obligations, and i cannot keep promises to other people. i am incredibly lazy and have no motivation. i never seem to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. i am the most pathetic loser in the world. i am about to run out of all my money unless i get a job soon, but i still cannot find any employment. i only have maybe a month or two left before i am completely broke. i’ve got bills piling up even though i still live with my parents, and soon i won’t be able to pay my bills anymore. ridiculous! who ever thought this would happen to a valedictorian, an ivy league graduate who double majored in computer science and math? education means nothing in the real world! all of my book learning has been a complete waste! nobody cares about anything! i am mad as hell, and i’m not going to take this anymore! there are only 2 things i want: a job and a girlfriend. and i don’t care what i have to do; i will get them, by any means necessary. my life is not going anything at all like the way i would have liked it to turn out, but fuck it, i am going to fight like a wild boar with rabies to get things going in the right direction. i might be a lazy-ass loser who never accomplishes anything and sits at home all the time getting yelled at by his parents for being a lazy-ass loser who never accomplishes anything and sits at home all the time to get yelled at by them, but goddammit, i have had enough of this shit! why the hell does my life have to suck so much? i am more pissed off than the dude dick cheney shot in the face! my level of satisfaction with my life is so low, its square root is an imaginary number! i hate blogs. they are so stupid. why am i even writing this shit? what is the point? go away. you suck. what kind of dumbass would read this retarded-ass blog of mine anyway? oh hi there, president bush. whatever!