are you evil?

there are several different ways to define evil. people who are truly evil are, in fact, mentally ill. there are various ways of describing what their mental condition is, such as being a sociopath, a psychopath, or antisocial personality disorder. it is important to note that a psychopath and a psychotic are completely different. psychopathy has nothing to do with psychosis. someone who is evil is generally classified as a sociopath, a psychopath, or someone with antisocial personality disorder. antisocial personality disorder is sometimes called dissocial personality disorder. anyway, mostly i want to link to a bunch of other sites about this shit, and also point out that the vast majority of great visionary leaders are sociopaths or psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder.

take this test. it tells you what personality disorders you have. warning: you probably have all of them! according to that test, i am pure evil and i am going to hell. i got “very high” in 2/3 of the categories. whoopie! now, if you are wondering how evil you are, look at your score for “antisocial”. for me, i only had “high” on that one, instead of “very high”. so i am not really that evil after all. here is another test, to see if you are a sociopath. according to that test, i am 88% sociopath, meaning, i am 88% pure evil. fun fun for everyone!

now here are some wikipedia articles: antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy. now here is an article that is apparently part of the curriculum a professor wrote for his criminal justice class, which covers it all quite well. here is a little web page about psychopaths. and here is a quite nice page that goes into detail about everything, with white text on a black background. beautiful! here is one about psychopaths in the context of bullies you run into at work. and here is someone posting on their blog about how republicans are sociopaths.

now if you are evil, you might be a big fan of the wikipedia, the free encyclopedia anyone can edit. there are all sorts of evil ways to use the wikipedia to your advantage. but why not start your own wikipedia? here are some others: sourcewatch.com is a wikipedia about politics and public relations stuff (it used to be called disinfopedia.org). simple english wikipedia is a wikipedia for people who no speak good engrish (it is rather boring). uncyclopedia.org is a parody wikipedia full of humor. encyclopedia dramatica is another parody wikipedia. dkosopedia.com is a wikipedia run by the daily kos, the #1 liberal blog. wikiality.com is a wikipedia run by stephen colbert fans (it is a pretty small site so far). and wikia.com is host to 2 THOUSAND wikipedias... just think of how many INTERNETS those wikipedias are all using. now why are these wikipedias so evil? heh heh heh... wouldn’t you like to know? just remember, anything you read on any of those wikipedias is true... guaranteed or your money back. oh wait, you didn’t pay anything? then good luck expecting any quality! next time pay more $$!!!

feeling depressed lately

i have been feeling pretty lousy lately. and my psychologist doesn’t even want to help me unless i pay his bills and show up to his appointments and follow his suggestions. basically, i am very very dissatisfied with my life, and basically dissatisfied with everything else too. i absolutely hate the way my life has turned out so far, and do not really see things getting any better in the future. i have asperger’s syndrome, which is apparently the same thing as high-functioning autism, or maybe not the same thing, depending on who you ask. so i don’t have social skills and can’t relate to other people and life is very difficult. it is very hard to make friends and i can’t get along with my parents even though i want to, and i don’t seem to ever have any success with the opposite sex, despite being very smart and good-looking and the nicest person ever. and it is very hard to get a good job because i am awful at job interviews, even though i have a degree from cornell with a double major in math and computer science, and was valedictorian, and i am a+ certified to fix computers. so i have a job, but i do not like it, not at all, not a bit. i hate working! i only had sex once, and did not like it that much, because i was not turned on enough to have an orgasm, since the whole thing was arranged in advance and it just seemed too fake and scripted, plus i was not attracted to my partner at all. i want to actually have sex that is good, by having it with someone i am attracted to, and actually having orgasms. and i have never had a girlfriend or anything like that. other people my age (some of them at least) are married and have kids! what the hell is up with that? it seems a lot of other people actually had sex when they were teenagers! pretty much everybody, in fact! that is why i hate myself so much, and oftentimes i wish i was never born, because i feel inferior to everyone else! now yes, i am a brilliant genius, but what the hell is intelligence anyway? it is merely a tool to be used, but in and of itself, it is nothing. intelligence serves no purpose if it is never applied to anything. and my intelligence is never applied to anything, despite the fact that i am probably smarter than 99.9% of people. instead my intelligence is like a tool that is left unused, out in a shed, forgotten about, gradually rusting away. i certainly used to be smarter than i am now! but i feel like my intelligence is draining away, like my brilliance and genius-level intellect are growing weaker and weaker every day. i have always been quite a miserable person and a complete pessimist, though. for quite a long time, i have had suicidal tendencies, although i have never actually attempted suicide. i am certain that if i actually attempted suicide, i would succeed, because i am not an idiot. if i decide i am going to do something, i want it to work, no ifs, ands, or buts. i do not like any uncertainty. that’s why it is hard for me to talk to girls or ask them out, because i do not like the uncertainty, plus just the subject of girls brings up such feelings of inferiority and patheticness that i just don’t even want to think about it most of the time. i mean, i do not see why someone would want to be around me if i am so miserable and pessimistic all the time. wouldn’t i just make everyone around me miserable too? so i have to act, and pretend not to be so miserable, which is even worse. why is it worse? because i am an honest person, and anything that is the least bit deceptive is completely abhorrent to me. i do not like the idea of pretending to be something i am not. but i cannot really relate to other people, since their lives are so much different from mine. i cannot see things from somebody else’s point of view, because i am not them, i am me. the very idea of seeing things from someone else’s point of view seems completely ludicrous to me. how on earth could i possibly expect to see things the way some other person does, unless i actually am that person, and have lived their life, and know firsthand what it is like to be them? that is the only way to possibly understand another person! to actually be them! oh, but people think they can understand each other anyway, or at least they try to. i have never actually seen this succeed, at least not in terms of me understanding anyone else, or anyone else understanding me. i have never understood anyone else, nor has anyone else understood me. often when i tell other people of my problems they have glib answers like “why don’t you just do this?” or other nonsense that completely belittles my problems and makes it seem like everything is my fault and that my problems are incredibly easy to solve. nobody seems to understand that whenever they suggest a change in my behavior, this does not make me feel better, but rather, makes me feel worse. i am not going to follow anyone’s advice! i do things the way i want to do them, not how other people tell me to do them. i am a creature of habit, and whenever i deviate from doing things the way i am used to doing them, i feel very anxious and apprehensive and it is just awful and i hate it. there are probably millions of things i could do, ways i could change my behavior, that would improve my life, but do i actually do any of them? yes, just a few. but most of them? hell no! it is simply not feasible! have you ever noticed how many fat people there are, or how many people there are who smoke cigarettes, or have other problems caused by their poor behavior patterns? you probably have some poor behavior patterns yourself, ones that cause problems for you! everyone does! we are all addicted to something, if not a drug, than perhaps, some sort of behavior or emotion. and i am a person whose overriding emotion in life is fear. fear is the most common emotion for me, the one that dominates my life, because i have an anxiety disorder, and i have panic attacks on a regular basis. and my anxiety causes a lot of physical changes in how my body operates, like it gives me diarrhea and gas, and it makes my hands feel tingly, and gives me chest pains sometimes, and makes me sweat profusely even when i am cold, and shiver when i am hot, oftentimes sweating and shivering at the same time. there is something called the “fight or flight response” that is activated in me every time i get panicky, and this happens to me all the time, so much so that it has become routine and i can deal with it perfectly fine since it has happened a million times before. but lately i have been eating a lot more food and gaining weight quite rapidly. i am now 10 pounds away from falling into the dreaded category of “obese” rather than my current categorization as “overweight”. and that was actually what the doctor said, like, a week ago, and i think i am even closer to being obese now. i should probably get more exercise, but i hate doing exercise. i hate the way exercise makes me feel. i hate how it exhausts me, the way it makes my muscles feel, the way it makes me breathe heavily, the way it makes my heart pound. so, i suppose light exercise is not as bad as vigorous exercise, which is the type i really hate. but, i am somewhat masochistic, and lots of times when i exercise, i deliberately do it vigorously, just to make myself miserable, because i know how much i hate it. and then after that i avoid exercising for a long time. i don’t know... i think i am just insane. and evil too. i am very evil. i mean, i just don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but myself. you can all go to hell for all i care. i only care about myself. i have enough problems of my own to deal with, why should i bother myself with caring about anybody else’s problems? that would only add even more to the problems that are burdening me. there is so much death and violence and destruction in this world, so many horrible things going on, that i simply cannot bother to care too much about it anymore, because if i did care about it, if i did feel badly for all of the people who have bad things happen to them, the pain and suffering would just be so overwhelming that it would be impossible for me to go on living for another nanosecond. now i realize that i am probably economically better off than most people in the world, and probably am much luckier, especially with my intelligence and good education and all. but really... who the fuck cares? my life sucks, and most other people also have lives that suck, apparently. most of them would do a much better job at living my life than i do, if they were gifted with the same talents as me, and given the same advantages (ignoring for the moment all of my disadvantages). but if you gave someone else my disadvantages, and none of my advantages... well they would probably be dead by now. at least i am still alive, and there is still (theoretically) some chance that my life will improve. actually, it is pretty much guaranteed that my life will improve, if you are from the school of thought that says that once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. being a pessimist, i tend to think that things always get worse, and then just when you think they are so bad that they could not possibly get any worse, they actually do get worse, in fact, much, much worse. maybe i am just completely batshit insane. i probably am. but for some reason, society has not seen fit to lock me up in an institution for the criminally insane. perhaps they should reconsider. who knows? i mean, when i watch movies, i tend to like the villains better than the heroes, even though the villains are such 2-dimensional evil personalities, and there never seems to be any logical explanation for their thirst for destruction. for some reason the villains in the movies just seem to be a hell of a lot cooler than the heroes, and then when the heroes finally defeat them in the end, i am kind of bummed out, because i was rooting for the evil side to win. i dunno. maybe i am just evil or something. i hope so. because evil people kick ass. lots of times the heroes have problems, just like i have problems, and it does not seem like they will be able to triumph over adversity, because the villains are so much more powerful. how lame! the heroes should just give up and let the evil villains triumph! that would be better! a hell of a lot more like reality, anyway... in the real world, the evil villains always triumph. i mean, lately, world leaders like george w. bush, mahmoud ahmadenijad, and hugo chavez have been in a sort of pissing match to see who is the evillest, and each of them is trying to out-evil the others. bush violates the laws and constitution and then wants congress to pass a new law legitimizing torture even though he justified war with iraq because saddam hussein had torture chambers and killed people. mahmoud ahmadenijad lies and says he only wants nuclear power plants, not nuclear weapons, and wants to wipe israel off the map, and says the holocaust never happened, all while aggressively pushing ahead with his nuclear weapons campaign, and conducting a p.r. offensive by having every major news outlet in the entire world get an interview with him. and hugo chavez goes around and buddies up with all the evillest dictators in the world, becoming best friends with them, to form an evil alliance against the united states, all because he read in some book by noam chomsky that the united states is an evil imperialist power, but hugo chavez is so dumb, he thinks noam chomsky is dead, and then when they interview noam chomsky, he says he likes hugo chavez and would like to meet him. craziness! but i just think the eviller you get, the more you kick ass. because as a pessimist, i see things getting worse all the time, and you might as well be in the driver’s seat, and be the one actively making things worse, rather than being the victim of someone else making things worse for you. i mean, the idea of things getting better, that is just laughable! ha ha! we thought things were better after the soviet union fell! yeah right! look what a mess things are now! at least back then, there were just 2 superpowers, and things were somewhat under control, since everyone either sided with one of them or with the other. now, everything is just f.u.b.a.r., or fucked up beyond all recognition. at least the prime minister of hungary gets it! he admitted to being a liar and not having any positive accomplishments, in all the years his party has been in power! now that is the kind of person we need in public office, the kind who screws things up completely, and then actually admits to it! that is the kind of politician to support! if only president bush would admit to being a shit-for-brains and completely screwing up everything in the entire world, then i could vote to re-elect him to a third term in 2008! at least i would be voting for someone honest for a change! why do we even bother punishing criminals and sending them to jail? we ought to just give them medals and awards, lavishing praise upon the most successful criminals! oh wait, that is what we do right now! sorry about the mix-up! anyway, life sucks and then you die! so does that make death good? no! death is even worse! death is so mind-bogglingly bad, horrible, awful, and terrible, it somehow makes life look good in comparison! the only people who enjoy death are already dead, and good riddance! they were idiots, because death is bad! smart people like good things and don’t like bad things! but i am a complete pessimist, so my view of reality is decidedly unamerican, as americans are an optimistic people! i do not even belong in the united states, what with my pessimism and all! why, pessimists like me ought to be locked up in guantanamo bay for treason! everyone must be happy and smiling, or you will be executed! that reminds me of borat, the #2 television reporter in kazakhstan! he has made a movie, and if it does not do well and make a profit, kazakhstan will execute him! that is a fact; i saw it in the movie trailer! i like borat very much, because i have a thing for former soviet republics. all the corruption, oppression, crime, poverty, and nuclear weapons being sold to the highest bidder... it is the way the entire world ought to be! humanity is destroying itself, and we are destroying this planet... so why not do it as quickly and efficiently as possible, if we are going down that road? get the job done, get it over with, so our planet can move on, and some hyperintelligent alien race can take over and clean up the mess our stupid species leaves behind! ha ha! as if aliens would even bother caring about a stupid planet like this! most aliens probably wouldn’t even come here on a bet! they probably just send naughty aliens here to punish them, using our planet as a prison, much like the british did with australia! that is probably where the human race comes from! our ancestors were the scum of all the other planets, the lowest of the low, and the aliens wanted to be rid of them, so they sent our ancestors here to earth! that also explains all the other species like animals, that are too dumb to even think! of course i am simply joking; i do not believe any of this. this lengthy diatribe is getting rather ridiculous at this point. anyway, i have been feeling depressed lately, but not all of the time. sometimes i am in fact happy, and enjoying things. my mood swings are quite odd. but it seems when i am in a bad mood, i am in a really, really, really, really bad mood. and then, a few hours later, for no apparent reason, i am feeling perfectly fine. it is so utterly bizarre. sometimes it just seems like all of my problems disappear and everything is fine. i suppose i just like to ignore reality, and avoid having to deal with things. that is my main strategy in coping with problems, actually. i just think that if i ignore something long enough, and avoid dealing with it, maybe it will go away and the problem will just somehow magically solve itself. when it comes to getting a girlfriend or getting laid, this avoidance tactic does not seem to work. i don’t exactly understand why. don’t girls all have psychic powers? why can’t they simply read my mind, and then out of the goodness of their hearts, proposition me for sex? of course i am being facetious, and simply spouting ridiculous nonsense. but at some level, that nonsense is the type of crap i have to actually believe, at a subconscious level, in order to justify my inaction, to justify how i avoid dealing with things. i have to not only avoid dealing with reality, but actually believe in things that are patently false, just in order to avoid complete despair. everything i do, i have to justify to myself, and somehow, even when i do something that is totally wrong or retarded, i find a way to justify that i acted the way i should have. and sometimes, the only way to justify things is to come up with ridiculous supernatural explanations for things, although, to be honest, i am fully aware of the fact that all supernatural mumbo-jumbo is entirely false, and this physical universe of matter and energy is all that exists, and the laws of the universe are unchanging and eternal. but reality is boring and dehumanizing and depressing, so why do we need to acknowledge it, anyway? what we believe is entirely irrelevant, as we are mortal beings that, according to the laws of the universe, are guaranteed to be completely destroyed at some point in the future. why must we have beliefs which are correct or correspond to reality, if these beliefs do not make us feel good? why not just believe in patently false supernatural crap, then? at some level, i think there is a case to be made for believing in things that are obviously false, but on another level, i think it does more harm than good, since it ruins our abilities to logically reason about things. logical reasoning is simply a tool to start with some basic assumptions or known facts, and use these to come to some conclusions, to actually figure some stuff out. but the conclusions are only valid if the assumptions are valid and if every step of the logical reasoning sequence is valid. in other words, the conclusions are hardly ever valid, because almost everyone messes up at least somewhere along the way; it is human nature to screw up, and our minds are hardwired to do that. so why even bother thinking, or wondering about anything, and why not just go out there and do things? why not just live? take action? avoid use of your mind’s capacity for reflective thought? that is how most people operate, but i am different. different on an almost fundamental level. my mind does not have an on/off switch; it is always on, always thinking about the great questions of philosophy, always thinking about my personal problems, always thinking about hot girls, always thinking about video games i want to play, always monitoring the status of my bodily processes and whether i am hungry, thirsty, need to go to the bathroom, need to sleep, or am having a panic attack and need to calm down. perhaps i worry too much about problems, and this may be the cause of anxiety. maybe i think too much. i suppose it helps that i am vocalizing my thoughts on this blog, because perhaps if someone reads them, someone might actually have something helpful and productive to say, something meaningful and profound, yet very applicable and useful. but i doubt anyone who reads this is that good at solving problems. strangely enough, i am excellent at solving problems, if they are the right type of problems, and if i focus on them one at a time and devote my full attention to only one of them at a time. but all too often i fall into the trap of worrying about a bunch of different problems at once, or worrying about a problem that i could not possibly fix at the time i am worrying about it (like certain problems can only be solved if you are at home, or in your car, or during certain times of the day, or in the presence of certain other people, etc.). and i lack the organizational skills to keep track of everything; i basically make a mess of everything and have no clue what is going on because i forget about things that are important. this is probably because i try to solve problems by avoiding them and pretending they do not exist. according to logic, if the assumptions i start with are the basic laws of the universe, it is a pretty obvious conclusion that problems do not magically solve themselves if you avoid doing anything about them. i do not know exactly how one would conclusively prove that as a theorem, but it is such an obvious truth that there is really no reason to prove it anyway. logic is simply a distraction, because it takes too long. the same is true of mathematics, which is another tool that is quite useful, but in and of itself, serves no purpose, except when it is applied to solve a problem that is within its realm. as a mathematician, i do actually enjoy mathematics to a certain extent, but that is precisely because it is a means of avoiding having to deal with reality, and instead i can think about abstract concepts that consume a sufficient amount of brain activity to distract me from my problems and make me feel better. but yeah, i am happy sometimes, actually. i am not always miserable. actually, i used to think i was like a robot and did not even believe i had emotions like other people. that was just what i thought when i was a little kid, back in elementary school or something. anyway i am going to get a doggy soon, probably. i went to the dog pound earlier this week and looked at the dogs, with my mom along too. and there was only one dog that had been there long enough to be available for adoption. the others were still waiting for owners to pick them up. anyway, cats are evil. they are the spawn of satan. i still have a cat scratch on my right hand from a few weeks ago and it has not healed yet. cats always seem to have problems with me, because i bother them too much. i keep coming up to them and trying to pet them even though they don’t want me around. basically, i do not care what they think, and want to pet them since they are cute-looking fuzzy animals, and eventually they get so pissed they attack me and i get scratched up. so i am kind of wary about hot girls, because they are probably even more vicious than cats, if you bug them too much. maybe if someone else actually liked me... but i do not see why anyone ever would like me. i mean, i don’t even like myself, so why would anyone else? but i do like small furry animals. it is odd that the squirrels and bunny rabbits are all so afraid of me, just like kittie cats. apparently small furry animals all suffer from anxiety disorders, and they get a fight-or-flight response when around humans that are much larger than them. maybe they need that to survive. i don’t know. but it would be nice if there were more small furry animals that liked to be around people and were not afraid of us, ones that could be kept as pets. there are all sorts of animals where i live. there are even groundhogs and deer that come into my backyard all the time. and so many types of birds and insects! i hate insects and spiders. i mass-murder insects and spiders all the time. just outside the entrance to where i work, i massacred 5 spiders about a week ago, and dismantled their elaborate spiderweb infrastructure. the spiders have not returned since then. but there are bats nearby. there are bats in the parking garage where i park my car when i go to work. i don’t like them; they are very creepy and annoying. and a lot of spiders on the ceiling, too. except i can’t reach the ceiling since it is like 20 feet above me. the bats are kind of small. they are hard to tell apart from large moths, especially for someone like me who has bad distance perception. it is hard for me to tell how far away something is, visually. i am third dimensionally disabled. so i was always bad at sports because of my dimensional disability; the 2-dimensional images from my 2 eyes would both combine into a single 2-dimensional image, and somehow the extra 3rd dimension would get lost in the process. i am getting better at this, luckily, especially since i started wearing glasses at age 18. i had been avoiding them earlier because i wanted to avoid taking on any of the stereotyped aspects of a nerd, such as having glasses. in high school, i was obsessed with trying not to fit into the role of a nerd, since i seemed to have all the characteristics of one. that might have been part of why i had no friends, since i did not want to be associated with anyone else who was unpopular, and tried to surround myself with people who were much much more popular than me, who would order me around and make me their slave. i had to help everyone who was popular cheat on tests and do their homework for them, and got nothing at all in return. i guess that was kind of dumb of me. and they got laid all the time and i didn’t. i sure hated high school. i even viewed being valedictorian negatively, i thought it was the ultimate dishonor, the biggest insult, that i was the biggest bookworm geek nerd dweeb egghead misfit loser, so much so that i wasted all my time doing my work and studying hard and getting the highest grades in all my classes. i tend to look at everything negatively. but i like dogs. they are stupid and do whatever you tell them, and can’t talk, and you can do pretty much anything to them and they won’t care, and will still love you unconditionally. in a way i wish people were a lot more like dogs. i know some dogs are bad-tempered and actually do care if you do certain things, like wake them up or mess with them when they are eating. but the dog i had, she was hardly ever upset by anything. that is the kind of dog i want, one that is never upset by anything, one that simply accepts things whatever happens, and who is friendly to everyone, even suspicious strangers. anyway, i was pleased to hear about the military coup in thailand, since i do not believe in democracy anymore. it would be nice to have a military coup in the united states of america. i am sure that the generals would do a better job running the country than our current civilian leadership. who else agrees with me? everyone? good! because anyone who does not will be executed for treason, once the generals take over in the military coup. and all the retired generals who have jobs as consultants for cnn and other news outlets? they would get their jobs back as generals, and become part of the military dictatorship. and the commander-in-chief? i think general wesley clark would do a good job as our military dictator. i mean, michael moore supported him in the 2004 democratic primaries, so he must be good. which general do you think would do the best job as our military dictator? think about it. then once we find out which general has the most public support, we can help organize mass public protests in favor of a military coup, and ending our stupid democracy once and for all. once we have a military dictatorship, our country will be unified, and all of the partisan bickering between democrats and republicans will become a thing of the past, once all political activity is outlawed and the entire nation is put under martian law. then when the martians come from outer space, our nation will graciously accept their leadership, and there will be a seamless transition, with martian law already in place. our alien space masters will prove adept at managing our affairs on this pathetic excuse for a planet we call earth, issuing command directives from martian headquarters, in the inner core of mars. hmm. maybe i should get a haircut or something. i want to go play video games or something. i wonder what is on tv. if i were a normal person, i would be out clubbing in an hour or two, and hook up with a hot girl and get laid. i wonder why i do not behave that way. why am i so reserved and cautious in my personal life? maybe because i am a big fatty fat fatass. i need to lose some weight, before i weigh so much that every building i enter suffers permanent structural damage. if i get too fat, every step i take would cause an earthquake, and when i spoke, hurricanes would come out of my mouth. whenever i took a crap, soon after, new islands would be discovered. if i sneezed, any birds flying in front of me would be launched into outer space. i would exhale so much carbon dioxide, my lungs would be responsible for 73% of global warming. anyway, talk to y’all later. keep it real. peace.

republicans are stupid

you might not realize this, but republicans are very, very stupid. they win elections, yes. but, their iq’s tend to be pretty low. you can tell how bad they are at logical thinking if you go to republican political websites and read the crap they post online. ok, you say, i am making absurd generalizations about a large group of people without sufficient justification. who cares? here is some circumstantial evidence to back my claim:

“I can't tell you how many people are beleaguered with seemingly insurmountable problems. ... What to do? ... How obvious it all is. And yet so many of us miss it all the time. ... It is all so simple: Ask and you shall receive. It does indeed work. ... All you have to do is talk to God; explain your situation simply and then ask God for help. Period. Then relax and forget your problem and stop worrying because worrying does not help anything or anyone. ... It is indeed simple. Too bad so many people miss this essential key to a happy life. If you think you are missing out, take the plunge and try talking to God. He will hear you - and He will help you. Guaranteed.”
- John LeBoutillier, at newsmax.com

my response: ok, so you talk to your magical genie and tell him what you want, and all your problems magically disappear? wow! great! it must be fun for you, living in a fantasy world. so you could just ask god to pay off your credit card debt, and god would pay the bill? you can just ask for god to end the problem of terrorism and make the world peaceful? i wonder what the world would look like if god granted all the wishes people prayed for... a lot different than it looks like now. so, it looks as if your little god either does not exist, or is deliberately ignoring your requests. why is it that small-minded religious folk always have to come up with a supernatural explanation for everyday occurrences, things that can be explained rationally and scientifically? it is so mind-bogglingly ridiculous, i can’t believe anyone takes religion seriously in this day and age.

“Opinion polls, of dubious veracity themselves, are allowed to go unchallenged, thus becoming their own self-fulfilling prophesies that the president is going down the pipes. The leftist "mainstream" media have abandoned all pretext of accuracy and objectivity, now daily making up bogus anti-Bush stories, trying to outdo one another in venality. While all that's been going on, what counterpunches has the president landed? None that come to mind.”
- John L. Perry, at newsmax.com

my response: ok moron, first of all, you right-wingers never questioned the validity of opinion polls back when bush had sky-high approval ratings after 9/11. when the public agrees with you on an issue, you go around bragging about it to everybody. newsmax.com conducts its own unscientific opinion polls all the time, of which almost all the respondents are ultra-right-wingers who frequent that site on a regular basis, and then tries to get major media outlets to broadcast its dubious poll results. but then there are dozens of independently done nationwide polls that all reach very similar results, and are done in a much more scientific fashion, and some newsmax.com blowhard like you is hypocritically saying that those polls are somehow wrong. well then get your own website to stop doing unscientific polls, if you are so concerned about the issue of polls being invalid. and if you knew statistics, and were mathematically literate, you might have a better understanding of the scientific and statistical basis for polls, and why they are indeed quite accurate (rarely if ever off by more than 5 percentage points). but it looks like you are just some hare-brained conspiracy theorist who thinks all the pollsters are liars and liberals in disguise, who have it in for the president, which is the most ridiculous conspiracy theory in the entire world. do you have any idea how hard that would be, to have a conspiracy of the type you are discussing, of all the pollsters? that shows that you have no grip on reality. and you think the mainstream media is left-wing. oh great. so does that include fox news or right-wing talk radio? how about abc? remember how abc put out that pro-bush anti-clinton movie about 9/11? and cbs? so far, katie couric has been a pro-bush right-wing apologist, and has given free airtime to rush limbaugh of all people! and how about nbc and its sister networks msnbc and cnbc? well cnbc, the financial news network, is unabashedly pro-free-markets and pro-republican. msnbc gave mike savage, a far-right-wing extremist, his own show, where his blatant racism was so over-the-top, it got him fired; they also cancelled a show hosted by liberal phil donahue, in their first experiment with having a liberal host, despite it having higher ratings than anything else on their network. and msnbc still has more right-wing hosts like tucker carlson, joe scarborough, and pat buchanan, than liberals like keith olbermann. and how about cnn and headline news? well, headline news is giving a 1-hour show every night to glenn beck, a folksy right-wing man of the people with a positive demeanor; headline news putting a friendly face on right-wingers and conservatives is a free gift to the republican party. there was only really one show on cnn that featured people who were partisan liberal democrats who spoke their mind; it was called crossfire, and gave equal time to conservative republicans too. and it was cancelled, after jon stewart, of all people, criticised it for dumbing down tv and lowering the level of political discourse. so apparently dan rather at cbs may have been a bit liberal, so the right-wingers tarred and feathered him, and got rid of him. yet people like ann coulter who openly call for mass murder are still allowed on tv and sell millions of books. yeah... what a liberal media. a guy named eric alterman wrote an entire book debunking the myth of the liberal media, by the way. i read it. very factual. unlike the drivel you find by conservative pundits who post on newsmax.com.

well, so far i have just talked about newsmax.com. umm. ok. where else? how about littlegreenfootballs.com? that is another horrible little right-wing site. littlegreenfootballs.com is basically a blog for rabid right-wingers who think everything is a conspiracy, and who really really really really really really really hate muslims. every so often, they “unmask” a “conspiracy”, like at this link, where they talk about this guy that they nicknamed “green helmet” who was allegedly a relief worker in the qana massacre in lebanon, where the israeli defense forces dropped a bomb and killed a large number of innocent civilians (i am not sure of the precise figure, and don’t really feel like looking it up right now, but i think it is somewhere around 30 or something like that). yeah, and they have a video of him supposedly acting like a movie director in some kind of cynical media manipulation, to make the massacre look more horrific, or something like that. this is what they are reduced to. originally they were trying to claim that the qana massacre was a hoax, or that the victims were purposefully planted in that building by the terrorists, or some other such nonsense, to escape from the reality that their beloved israel had just killed a bunch of innocent people, because that reality was too horrifying for their precious little minds to bear. so, they were going around, grasping at straws, trying to find some kind of conspiracy, any kind of conspiracy, just to try to put the blame on anyone but the israelis for what happened in qana. eventually they decided to pin the blame on this guy who is dressed as a relief worker and tells people he is a relief worker, who, they are convinced, is actually a hezbollah operative who engages in cynical media manipulation to make israel look bad and hezbollah look good. yeah. so what? so what if hezbollah had some guy trying to manipulate the media? does that change the fact that israel bombed a bunch of innocent people to smithereens? hell no! and guess who else engages in media manipulation? the united states! (not 100% sure that article i just linked to is accurate, but nothing is certain in life, and anyway, our government does media manipulation whether that article is true or not.) so, we are supposed to be able to do media manipulation, but not let any of our adversaries use the same propaganda tactics? propaganda is reserved for us and not them? is that it? if right-wingers are so opposed to media manipulation and propaganda, as they evidently are in the case of this “green helmet” dude, why don’t they ever get upset when our own government manipulates our own media, such as in the run-up to the war in iraq?

and here is some stupidity from the national review. they think that for “fairness”, we need to index the capital gains tax to inflation, i.e., basically they are just trying to pass another tax cut for the rich. now, how about a reality check? since the republicans came to power in congress in 1994, they have passed tax cuts for the rich, time and time again. every time, it was a tax cut that would mainly benefit those who are extremely wealthy, and have little to no impact on the vast majority of americans. bill clinton veoted those tax cuts for the rich, but george w. bush signed them all into law, and the republicans’ never-ending greed forces them to keep passing more and more tax cuts for the rich, all the time. the estate tax, the capital gains tax, the income tax, and a whole lot of other lesser-known taxes, all of them are targeted if they take any sort of significant bite out of the pockets of our wealthiest citizens. now is a time when we are in a deep financial hole as a country, with sky-high national debt and deficits. and who is bearing the cost of this? the poor! the wealthy are making more money than ever, with the forbes top 400 now entirely composed of billionaires. ceos of companies can basically name their own price when it comes to salary, and the sky is the limit. meanwhile, for ordinary people, for the median family, the standard of living has constantly gone down throughout the years of the dubya regime. hardly any of the tax breaks affect ordinary people. ordinary people mainly pay sales taxes and payroll taxes, both of which are regressive taxes. regressive taxes are not cut; in fact they are often raised by republicans. instead, republicans cut progressive taxes like the progressive income tax, in order to make sure rich people pay as little taxes as possible. now, the math of this is quite simple. the federal government costs a certain amount of money each year, and this is paid for through taxes. some of the tax revenue comes from the poor, some from the middle class, and some from the wealthy. republicans systematically have been reducing the share paid by the wealthy and increasing the share paid by the poor, which has resulted in greater poverty as well as more super-wealthy people. all very predictable results. you see, taxation is a zero-sum game. you cannot help one person without hurting someone else. so, in this time when our wealthiest citizens are doing ridiculously well, with hundreds of billionaires out there, why can we not simply have some common decency and ask the billionaires to pay their fair share? it is not like they need the money! sure, they might devote it to philanthropy, but then again, they might not. the only way we can know for sure what happens to the money is if we take it and spend it ourselves, which is why we ought to do exactly that. republican efforts to eliminate the estate tax (which they call the “death tax” in a creepy use of orwellian new-speak) are even worse, because they not only want people to be able to make unlimited amounts of money, but to be able to pass it on for unlimited numbers of generations without being taxed at all. basically what this means is, they want to create a hereditary aristocracy like that which existed in europe during the feudal ages. in fact, such an aristocracy already exists (witness the spectacle of paris hilton or of our president to see the effects of aristocratic inbreeding). this is because republicans sincerely believe that rich people are better than everyone else, and are entitled to keep all of their money, as some sort of fundamental right handed down from on high, that we are never supposed to question. they do not believe in equality, but rather in some sort of caste system, where the rich are the highest caste, and the poor are the lowest caste. why is bush trying to implement a guest-worker program? for cheap labor! now indexing the capital gains tax to inflation could save rich people money, so why don’t we index the minimum wage to inflation? republicans would never index the minimum wage to inflation, because they want inflation to continue to reduce the value of the minimum wage, until it is essentially worthless. republicans view people who work at the minimum wage as inferior and somehow subhuman, and do not think they are worthy of being paid any more than what they are being paid now. the fact is, they are being paid so little because of competition from cheap labor overseas. human labor is extremely cheap now, thanks to overpopulation and the international free trade agreements. “pro-life” republicans do not think that every person deserves enough money to live their own life. would they ever implement universal health care? hell no! they think poor people deserve to die if they get sick, and do not want to have to pay a penny if it would go towards helping anyone less fortunate than themselves. such is the greed of the republicans. what is stupid is how obvious they make it to everyone. i mean, in their medicare prescription drug law they passed (by bribing and bullying their own congressmen), it prohibited the government from negotiating lower prices for drugs it purchased in bulk from pharmaceuticals. what the hell is more retarded than that rip-off? i can go to the local store and by one can of soda for 99 cents, or a 12-pack of cans of soda, for 5 bucks (those are rough estimates). you get a better deal if you buy in bulk. that is, if you aren’t a complete retard. but the republicans prohibit the federal government from getting any sort of bulk discounts from pharmaceuticals, even though everyone other than the federal government can negotiate whatever sort of bulk discount deal they want. no wonder private corporations are more efficient than the government! republicans pass laws prohibiting the government from being more efficient or cutting costs, and refuse to allow anyone to pass any laws that would improve things in the slightest! the government is not inefficient because it is a government; it is inefficient because its leaders want it that way. they overcharge the taxpayers for government services, siphoning off the extra money into large corporations. corporate profits are inflated for all companies doing business with the government, because there are always sweetheart deals to defraud taxpayers and send our tax dollars into the pockets of the ceos rather than the poor people who need the money. just look at all the no-bid contracts in iraq, for halliburton and other companies! it is such a scandalous system, corrupt to its very core. and republicans are stupid because they think the american people are dumb enough to fall for their bullshit, again and again, one election after another, and never learn to put 2 and 2 together. they think we are all morons, and we will fall for anything they say! well guess what! some of us are less moronic than others! and i am one of them! the less-moronic ones, i mean. i don’t mean that i am not moronic at all, because as a human, i am prone to human fallibility, and we are really all morons at some level. but, i consider myself less of a moron than the average bloke.

ok, anyway, so if republicans are dumb, how come they still win elections? well, i think one of the main reasons is religion. it is plain as day that all religions are false, yet billions of fools continue to believe in them. this shows that the vast majority of people have severe difficulty distinguishing between fantasy and reality, fact and fiction. religion teaches people to be irrational and not develop any critical thinking skills, and if someone does develop some critical thinking skills, they are taught to strictly limit the scope of what they are allowed to apply their critical thinking skills to. only apply critical thinking skills to things you already disagree with, people learn. but people are not taught to doubt what they themselves believe; instead they are taught to have the intellectual arrogance to claim that they know what is true and that all who disagree are clearly wrong. now of course, i have this same sort of intellectual arrogance, but in my case, it is well justified, because i can back up the things i believe in with logical argument, and i can demolish any argument by those who disagree with me, with my superior logic. but most people are quite illogical, and i must admit, i am quite illogical too, at least from a behavioral standpoint, even if i can make logical arguments that sound cogent. now when someone criticizes my behavior, oftentimes i have no recourse than to resort to tomfoolery, to change the subject, to use flawed or illogical arguments because there are no logical ones that would work. it is rather embarrassing and unbecoming of one with the gift of logical argument, to have to resort to saying such illogical things. but, my gift only works sometimes and not at other times, apparently, and i do not have much control over the on/off switch. i suppose that is what it is like, for any person. but when the facts are not on my side i am often forced to resort to emotional appeals, or to at least have an emotional outburst of my own, since i am pretty ineffective at manipulating the emotions of anyone else. emotions are the most illogical part of the human psyche, and it is regretful that i continue to be so childish in my behavior. i suppose there is nothing that can be done, other than actually doing something, but that is just a tautology. and tautologies are always true, which is why i believe in them. because something which is true can never be false. even republicans can understand something as simple as that.

but it never ceases to amaze me how often republicans use “liberal” as an insult and try to insinuate that liberals are “out of the mainstream” and have no chance in ever getting elected. no democrat would ever say things like that about conservatives. i mean, the right-wing ultra-conservatives who control all 3 branches of the federal government are out of the mainstream, yes. but they still manage to win elections on a fairly regular basis, somehow. i am not exactly sure why. this phenomenon needs to be researched more closely. anyway, the public agrees with liberals and disagrees with conservatives on most issues. yet more people call themselves conservatives than liberals. and no liberal would ever say that conservatives can never win elections. oh, they can win, and they do win, but not always, and they are evil, and they must be stopped. what is so stupid about them is their complete lack of understanding of what a liberal is. they think hillary clinton is a liberal, and are amazed that a lot of liberals feel betrayed by her pro-war stance and think she is too conservative. as if conservatives never have litmus tests for their own candidates, or never try to enforce right-wing ideological rigidity in the republican party by eliminating moderates? but i am not sure the idea of a so-called “mainstream” is even relevant anymore. society is so fragmented and polarized, i think there are multiple competing mainstreams, each trying to establish itself as the one and only mainstream. but what is the point of bragging about how many millions of people you have managed to brainwash through the mass media, anyway? that is all that discussions of a mainstream ever mean, anyway. and when they talk about historical failures of liberals in elections (most notably presidential ones in the 70s and 80s), this is a scare tactic and has absolutely no bearing on reality. things are much different now than they were in the 70s and 80s, and the fact is, society is polarized now along partisan lines, with democrats currently more popular than republicans, despite republicans controlling all 3 branches of government. the real purpose of this scare tactic is to goad the democrats into having centrist or even right-wing presidential nominees, or to at least minimize how liberal the nominees are. this is because republicans simply hate liberalism, because they hate anything their simple minds cannot understand. they were able to entirely dismiss everything in the movie fahrenheit 9/11 as either irrelevant or incorrect in their view of the universe, simply by making ad hominem attacks against michael moore, and questioning the things that they think are implied in the movie that are not even stated in words. plus they had point-counterpoint things where they would counter the facts stated in his movie with the lies they believe in that they were told by the bush administration or fox news. granted, the movie was a 1-sided polemical propaganda movie, but it was quite factual and accurate, using a lot of real footage of actual events, which was not doctored at all, other than having michael moore do a voice-over and have some music playing in the background. besides, everything these days is 1-sided and polemical, at least if it comes from someone like me, or anyone else who is the least bit partisan when it comes to politics. anyone who acts evenhanded or pretends to be fair and balanced is really being dishonest with how they conduct themselves, if they have any relevant deeply-held beliefs that they keep hidden. that type of covert bias is the hardest to detect, and it causes the most damage; people ought to be honest about their beliefs, because if someone is not honest about what they believe, how can you trust them to honestly report the facts? transparency is key, and since news reporters demand transparency from others, they ought to demonstrate it themselves. michael moore is a person who, at least, is honest enough to actually say what he thinks and not pretend to be unbiased. that is how all people ought to conduct themselves. now you might ask, what about ann coulter, doesn’t she say what she really thinks? and the answer is, no, i don’t think so, i think it is all an act, and she is a phony. she has admitted as such to her friends, and while she might really believe in conservatism or really support republicans, it is clearly not in as emphatic and dogmatic a way as she presents herself in the public arena. she is putting on an act to a certain extent, in the exact same way stephen colbert does on his show, except for her, acting is more serious and less of an obvious mockery. instead, she tries to outrage people to generate hype and sell more books, to make more money and promote her career as a high-status idiot. i don’t think all of the republican bush apologists really believe what they say; they could not possibly be so out of touch with reality. they are just trying to help their side win, even when they know they are wrong and the other side is right. and that is not what i do, nor is it something i can abide by. the truth must be preeminent. period.

a nice day

well i went to a picnic at otsiningo park with the international students from broome community college. very nice! it was a good time. i am starting to think, maybe my asperger’s syndrome is gradually going away. i started re-reading the book i have all about asperger’s, and while i totally fit the profile of someone with it like a glove as a child and a teenager, my social development since i graduated high school, went to college, and graduated it, well it has been nothing short of remarkable, compared to other people who have my syndrome. i mean sure, i am not the world’s biggest people person, and i do not have many friends, and still get nervous in certain social situations. but you know what? nowadays, i have found that being late to my job is actually a lot more stressful than talking to a young lady. it seems i have lost all my fear of young ladies, and now realize how harmless they all are. and i think my lack of social skills was really a lack of confidence, a belief that i had no social skills that was brainwashed into me from a young age. i actually do know what to do in social situations, and i always did know, it was just that i was too fearful to act accordingly. well maybe i did not always know. i think perhaps it is more of a recent development. i think maybe this has to do with the lonelygirl15 phenomenon on youtube. you see, if there is a lonelygirl15, there are at least 14 other lonely girls that also exist. but, apparently lonelygirl15 was actually a hoax, all along. i should have known! what kind of girl would be lonely anyway? not the kind who is 15 and on youtube! all she would have to do is join myspace and she could have hundreds of child molesters, fresh out of prison, ready to be her best friends! anyway, the lord spake unto me. not the lord you are thinking of. no, i am talking about the lord of the manor i live in. you see, i live in medieval europe, and i am a serf. ok, ok, i made all that crap up. but serf is a funny word, right? like do serfs ever go surfing? english is such a retarded language. oh and today at the picnic i got into a minor argument with someone from, i think, the dominican republic, who was saying that spanish has more words in it than english. i was like, no, you just don’t know all the words in english, but there are lots of them. but, it was hard for me to make my case persuasively, because the person i was arguing with didn’t know english, so we were arguing in spanish. kind of a funny story eh? yeah, now i ask questions that end with eh because i decided to be canadian for a change eh? oh and i finished up fixing another computer, after the picnic. basically just installed firefox, upgraded ms office, and installed a good antivirus (symantec antivirus corporate edition, which is decent). oh and i had to reinstall browser plugins like flash and shockwave and java and quicktime alternative and real alternative, plus i copied windows media plugin files into firefox and opera plugin directories. it’s an old windows 98 computer. i did upgrade it to 2nd edition, and then installed the unofficial service pack 2.1a, among other enhancements. well to be honest i did dozens and dozens of enhancements, i can’t really help myself. it has tweak ui, the latest directx, windows installer 2.0, and of course lots of codecs. i am just insane, what can i say? now since it is someone else’s computer, i didn’t install any beta or unstable software, of course. i reserve that type of stuff for my own computer and my parents’ computer. but the windows registry was deleted when i reinstalled windows, and the new registry forgot everything, so all the programs had to be reinstalled. i actually reinstalled windows and most of the programs like 2 weeks ago, and i was just finishing the job today. i did not actually have time to complete it tonight. the office update website is too slow. 60-something megabytes of huge-ass downloads for upgrading office xp for better security and such. and after it downloads them, it takes forever to install. after 1 hour or so, i decided it was time for me to leave. the progress bar was still moving and the hard disk sounded like it was actively involved in installing the updates, but it had been like that for an hour. why does it take 10 times as long to install updates to office xp as it does to install office xp on a computer that does not even have office at all? i just did not have the time to wait around for that slow-ass computer to get all that shit done. it is hard to upgrade stuff on old, slow computers, because it takes forever to do anything on them. but i did have a nice day. you know, i like the ladies a lot. it is funny about them. why is it that ladies tend to be such nice people? i don’t get it. they look pretty, their behavior is very nice, and very sexy and i want one as a girlfriend. so why am i or was i afraid to talk or whatever? maybe i am stupid in the brain, because my head fell out the other side of my ass that it was so far up inside because of the mind disease? my apologies. i am trying to do the humor, to have the bad grammar and say stupid things, for to be funny, as you surely realize all grammatical errors in this blog are intentional and for comedic purposes, as are many things that i say. anyway, i am wondering, why is it that girls are so awesome and great and i love them all so much? what kind of non-existent god would make that happen, all whilst denying his own existence? as i say to my friend boris, “99% of the public are complete and utter morons. you and me, we’re part of the elite 1% of people who have some form of primitive intelligence that only occasionally surfaces, and who are basically morons the rest of the time.” of course, j.r. “bob” dobbs puts it even more eloquently in this quote: “You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half of ’em are even dumber than THAT.” anyway, suffice it to say that, i, despite my genius, continue to be outwitted by a cat. or rather, i continue to be sucked into thinking that the cat won’t scratch my skin open because it looks cute and cuddly, and then when i go near the cat in question... well... the cat doesn’t like me but it is hard for the cat to get me to leave it alone. that cat belongs to the family whose house i was at, fixing a computer, or rather, upgrading its software. i am going to buy a dog soon. well. today i got the phone number of 2 girls who are roommates, and hopefully i will get phone numbers of some more girls in the future. and this time i got it legitimately, by asking them, instead of by looking at some place where they wrote it down for someone else or whatever. you see, i cannot bring myself to contact someone if i obtained any of their contact information in a way that is anything remotely unethical. i generally just contact people who gave me their contact information. like, if i happen to find out what a pretty girl’s phone number is, but not from her telling it to me directly, it is not something i can use, so i won’t. i just try to act as ethically as possible in romantic matters, because then at least one aspect of my life will be ethical. i am actually ethically disabled, because of my addiction to evil. i just enjoy being bad and doing things i know are wrong. as long as nobody gets hurt and it is just good clean fun. but despite my enjoyment of evil, i try and keep my evilness to a minimum, because i feel quite guilty about it. like i still have a rather childish attitude towards rules and laws, and i really feel i need to outgrow it, but i am having trouble changing my way of thinking. i still feel like rules are meant to be broken, and it is more fun to violate the law than to obey it. and on some level, i admire criminals more than i admire law-abiding citizens who play by the rules. i mean, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to the entire socioeconomic/political system and violate all its rules, knowing that there are very bad consequences if you get caught. why are criminals always portrayed as the bad guys, and police as the good guys? if we had no laws it would be chaos and it would be horrible and the law of the jungle, and life would be nasty, brutish, and short, of course. so we need to have laws and enforce them. but i dunno. i do not really have 100% negative feelings towards criminals like i am supposed to have, as a law-abiding citizen. and to be honest, i am not so sure i am always 100% law-abiding either, but i don’t know anyone who is. for crying out loud, driving faster than the speed limit is illegal. so on that basis alone, i probably commit crime every day. and did you know assault is not actually hitting someone, assault is just a threat, and battery is the actual attacking? and who hasn’t committed assault on numerous occasions, by threatening violence against other people? why, assault is a vital tool in parenting, in raising a child! oh well. another silly crime like assault or speeding, something we do all the time, is conspiracy. conspiracy is just whenever 2 or more people get together and agree to do something that is either illegal, or that they think might be illegal (it can actually be something illegal). so if i, a 24-year-old, had premarital sex with a woman who is above the age of consent, but we both were misinformed and thought premarital sex was illegal, then we would be violating the law against conspiracy, because we had conspired to do something we thought was illegal. it is really quite a ridiculous law. in fact, we would not even have to have sex, we would just have to agree to have sex, premeditated, with the belief that it is illegal. so, what does this mean? if you think something is illegal, it is. by definition. in practice they just use conspiracy against white collar crime and mob bosses, luckily. but if they actually enforced all the laws on the books, you and i and everyone else would be in jail for all sorts of ridiculous things we do every day without thinking. still, it was a nice day today. my shoes did get kind of muddy. i am pretty sleepy now. i suppose this is a time i ought to already have been asleep for quite awhile. i would rehash some tired old excuse here but my mind is too foggy to think of anything coherent. but a pretty girl told me today that i am pretty good looking for someone who is 24, and she is like, 21 i think. i did not manage to get her phone number, but she was well endowed, if you understand my reference to what assets a fictional deity may have endowed unto her bosom, or whatever i am talking about, because i forgot. anyway, i like females so much, i was thinking of becoming one. or maybe that would be dumb, because i am a male, and that might ruin my chances of scoring with the females. but i just like them sooooooooo much, i just think it would kick so much ass to actually be a woman, instead of just fantasize about them all the time. maybe i am just crazy or something, but i think women are superior to men. and this in no way contradicts what i said earlier about 99% of people being complete morons. i am just saying, superior means higher and inferior means lower, and the height at which tits are on the female body is higher than where the dick is on the male body, so since the part of females that sticks out is superior to the part of males that sticks out, you can simply state as a fact that women are superior to men. wow. i sure say some crazy things. i guess that just proves how totally awesome i am. heil bush!

the bush administration is a criminal conspiracy

do you know what “criminal conspiracy” means, in a legal sense? according to findlaw.com:

A criminal conspiracy exists when two or more people agree to commit almost any unlawful act, then take some action toward its completion. The action taken need not itself be a crime, but it must indicate that those involved in the conspiracy knew of the plan and intended to break the law. One person may be charged with and convicted of both conspiracy and the underlying crime based on the same circumstances.

For example, Andy, Dan, and Alice plan a bank robbery. They 1) visit the bank first to assess security, 2) pool their money and buy a gun together, and 3) write a demand letter. All three can be charged with conspiracy to commit robbery, regardless of whether the robbery itself is actually attempted or completed.

interesting, eh? so, when bush and his friends decided to violate the geneva conventions and use torture and detain people indefinitely without trial and without treating them in accordance with the rules that international law requires for prisoners of war, and when bush and his friends decided to violate the bill of rights and the fisa law and do wiretaps without warrants or any court approval, in both of those cases, the bush administration was, according to how the law is defined, a criminal conspiracy. so, from now on, instead of calling it an “administration”, let’s just call it “the bush criminal conspiracy”. other people sometimes like to call it “the bush crime family”, but i think that is demeaning towards the president’s father, and also excludes all of the criminals in the bush administration of today. just remember, if you are an executive branch federal government employee, you are serving as a low-level operative of the world’s largest criminal conspiracy. and if you pay taxes, you are actually paying protection money to the people that you need to be protected against. the greatest threat to our nation does not come from terrorists or from anyone outside our borders; it comes from within. we need to defend america against itself, because the only enemy powerful enough and devious enough to defeat the united states of america is the united states of america. as the world’s only superpower, we cannot take any chances when we decide who should be in charge of all that super power. and yet, every election is a chance, a gamble. someday, our luck will run out. at least we can be thankful that bush has failed so catastrophically as president. he would have been much more dangerous to our nation if he had actually succeeded in enacting all of his agenda. he is probably not much of a threat any longer, because of his low poll numbers. but future presidents could be like him, in the ways in which he is bad, except much, much worse. there is no foolproof mechanism to prevent a psychotic genocidal sociopath from becoming president, and it will probably happen someday, just like adolf hitler got elected in germany. george w. bush turned out not to be another hitler, but someday we will almost certainly have our hitler, except one even worse than hitler, because of the tremendous devastation that could be caused by a renegade madman who is president of the united states. let us try and prevent that from happening, at least in our lifetimes.

oh great

well, my personal life has not been going too great recently. i really want a pet dog but i have to wait a week, since my parents (whom i live with) won’t let me have one until after my next paycheck. laaaaaame! i want at least someone who can show me unconditional love and never criticise me about anything. i guess only dogs can do that, huh? i just don’t feel the love from anyone else, i feel like only a dog can treat me the way i want to be treated. i mean, i still need to have relationships with other people, of course, but there is just something missing there that i don’t get, that i can only get from a dog. i also want a girlfriend pretty bad too, but i kinda realize that since a girlfriend is a person, they are probably going to be subject to some of the same problems that afflict other humans. whereas, a dog just has dog problems, which are all simple and easy for me to fix. just need to give the dog food and water, and take it on walks, and play with it. those are pretty much the only 4 problems dogs ever have, most of the time. hunger, thirst, need to excrete, and loneliness. if only people were that simple! of course a girlfriend can probably take care of her own basic needs like hunger, thirst, and excretion, but might just need some help with loneliness. so maybe, if someone is an independent adult, it is less work to care for them, than caring for a dumb animal that can’t do anything for itself. i don’t really know, since i never had a girlfriend. but i have had a dog in the past, and there, i feel more of a sense of loss, more of a need for a replacement. when it comes to a girlfriend, i really don’t quite know what i am missing, and the whole thought about getting a girlfriend just kind of depresses me and makes me feel inferior, because i have such a hard time with it, compared to other guys. i just feel like there is something horribly wrong with me that urgently needs to be fixed but probably never will, and i think only a dog would know how to look past that. a dog would not reject me because of my lack of social skills. and a dog would not play any mind games, or put on a false front, and pretend to show affection when it doesn’t feel any. you can actually trust a dog, unlike most people, who are not really trustworthy unless you know them quite well. dogs actually accept me as an authority figure, whereas most people act towards me as if they are the authority figures and i am the one that must submit and folow their commands. i have a real problem with authority figures, because throughout my life, i think most of my social interaction has actually been with authority figures, where they have tried to dominate every aspect of my life. i haven’t had as much interaction with those who do not seek to impose their will on me regardless of what i think. mostly it is parents, teachers, bosses at work... and when i did interact with other kids at school, back before i went off to college, they were always making fun of me and treating me like dirt. and i actually preferred the way authority figures treated me to the way my peers treated me, because the authority figures at least said something nice once in a while, and weren’t 100% mean to me. i suppose my peers were not 100% mean either, but my mind has always been strongly pessimist and had a way of distorting things. i never really had any friends in high school or junior high. i did have a few friends in elementary school, though, to be honest. and in college i made some friends. i still have some friends now. but, during the 6 years of junior high and high school, i had absolutely no friends whatsoever. and the hatred and bitterness and jealousy and fear of any sort of social interactions and feelings for a need for revenge on everyone else, none of those feelings have ever gone away completely. although i never really expressed it externally, those 6 years in high school turned me into an evil monster inside, a hateful, evil, vengeful person who could have potentially become a serious threat to society. luckily, it turned out that in my behavior, i am still quite a nice person on the outside, and my internal evilness has gradually faded away over the years since then. but sometimes i still feel the hot flame of evil burning inside me, whenever i feel any jealousy or hatred or anything like that. sometimes i get into heated arguments and at those times i am positively filled with evil, and it consumes every ounce of my being with its venom and bile, with its sadistic need to make other people miserable. i have tried hard to purge this evil from myself, and become entirely righteous and good, but i cannot destroy a part of myself. i still have a great many unresolved issues and have a very hard time relating to other people or developing positive relationships with other people my age. internally, i still assume every new person i meet is hostile, until proven otherwise, and while i try to behave like a nice and friendly person, sometimes other people do not return the favor. usually those people who are hostile tend to act that way towards everyone they meet, and i do not see the logic in this. what are they trying to do, make a lot of enemies? that is retarded. i want to make friends, not enemies. i cannot stand even having one person be hostile with me, it positively drives me up the wall. so i have to avoid controversial topics when i talk to other people, unless i know they already agree with me. so then i have to have this stupid blog to express what i really think, anonymously, because i just feel unable to really express myself to other people when i talk to them in person. i feel so confined by the norms and conventions of society, but i am not about to become some type of person who behaves strangely on purpose. no, i try to avoid all sorts of strange behavior, to avoid anything that would make people think badly of me. and there is all this internal pressure i put on myself about that, because i really do not feel like acting in such a way. but at least i have this blog, where i can express what is unacceptable to express in public.

so anyway, president bush, our miss leader, who was tragically born without a brain, gave a speech yesterday, on september 11. and it was all about trying to connect the war in iraq with 9/11, and to get the public to think that winning in iraq is essential to winning the war on terror. now, this type of blatantly dishonest tripe really drives me up the wall. this idiot has no clue what the hell is going on in iraq, or how big a mess it is, nor does he understand how the vast majority of iraqis want us the fuck out of their country, or that the reason for the insurgency and the terrorist attacks in iraq is our military presence. i mean god dammit, who the hell wants foreign troops occupying their country and killing people they know, and taking prisoners off to secret prisons off in other countries? look, if the chinese invaded the united states and defeated us, and occupied our country, and set up secret prisons around the world, and shipped off anyone who resisted to their troop presence into those secret prisons, don’t you think every red-blooded american patriot would join together and resist the foreign occupation? so what the hell does bush think is going on in iraq? isn’t that the same thing? i mean, yes, iraq did have democratic elections, to put in place the shiite fundamentalists who are allied with iran and hezbollah. is that really the kind of government we want there? no. but that is who the iraqis elected, and it is none of our business whom other countries elect as their leaders or miss leaders. so i think we ought to get the fuck out, and give the iraqi government enough military aid for them to destroy whatever remnants of the insurgency continue to resist after our withdrawal. and then we should hope the iraqis continue to be our allies, instead of becoming our sworn enemies, like their other allies, iran and hezbollah. i mean, al qaeda, who attacked us on 9/11, is a sunni organization, so if we leave iraq in the hands of shiites and give them enough weaponry, well, the enemy of our enemy is our friend. so, since sunnis and shiites are enemies, the iraqi government, as shiite fundamentalists, would fight the sunni terrorist group al qaeda, probably better than we ever could. and there is no way the sunnis could overthrow the shiite government of iraq, because shiites are the majority and they are in power now, and they have the control of the iraqi military and security apparatus. now there is a danger of iraq becoming split up like yugoslavia, and then the sunni areas like al anbar province may become havens for al qaeda and other sunni terrorist groups. so, we should withdraw our troops from the hostile parts of iraq, into friendlier parts like the kurdish north, and then wait and see what happens. then, if any threat actually does materialize over time, and the shiites prove incapable of defeating it, we will lend our assistance by invading the sunni areas, brutally wiping out the sunni resistance fighters, and then withdrawing back to friendly areas of iraq, as quickly as we came. then the shiites who control the iraqi government can go in and clean up the mess. in the end, hopefully, the iraqi government will be able to control the whole country, without our help, and then we can withdraw all our troops. but bush’s rhetoric linking 9/11 with iraq is plainly hollow and full of lies. saddam hussein may have been a sunni like al qaeda, but he was a secular sunni, and al qaeda are sunni fundamentalists who hate secular sunnis just as much as they hate shiites and all non-muslims. or at least, abu musab al-zarqawi hated secular sunnis, as well as all shiites and non-muslims. i do not know if the others in al qaeda share those views. but, we ought to take advantage of these divisions among muslims, in order to unite as many muslims as possible in the fight against the al qaeda terrorist organization. then, once al qaeda is defeated, the united victors will snap their fingers and worldwide peace and prosperity will somehow magically become a reality. no? not realistic? oh well... it is bush who got us into this mess. this is all his fault. without him, none of this would have happened. so he should shut up and stop acting like he knows better than everyone else. i have had enough of his crap, and it is about time we had a democratic congress to put him in his place.

what a crazy article!

i came across the craziest article on salon.com today. i swear to god, that article sounds like something out of a fricken parallel universe or something, because it sure as hell doesn’t make any damn sense as describing reality in this universe. cripes... i mean, look, it talks about how there are intelligent, attractive women in their late 20’s and in their 30’s who are still virgins... involuntarily! this totally goes against everything i thought about men and women! involuntarily?!? this does not make any sense whatsoever! i read about the behavior of the men that interacted with these unfortunate women, and these men sound so freaking bizarre, it is ridiculous! what the hell kind of fucked up man would refuse to have sex with a woman just because she is a virgin?!? i swear to fricken god, the men that these women were unfortunate enough to have their romantic attempts with... those men are complete assholes, and insane, and probably closet homosexuals to boot. what the hell kind of gay-ass man would turn down sex with an attractive virgin because of her virginity? i do not for one second dispute the truth of that article, but i just want to put that shit into perspective: i am a 24-year-old man who has only had sex once, which was last year at age 23, and that whole sexual experience was a pathetic fiasco organized in order to finally put an end to the huge embarrasment and dishonor of still being a virgin at age 23. now don’t go thinking that she was a prostitute or something. but a sexual encounter organized in advance with someone you do not know well and are not attracted to... it is simply not the type of thing that is likely to work out well. now supposedly, if someone is still a virgin in their late 20s or in their 30s or 40s or later, people tend to assume there is something wrong with that person. hell fuckin’ no! there is something wrong with SOCIETY! we live in a fucked up society, and it pisses me off so much. what the hell kind of dumbass would refuse to have sex with someone of the opposite sex, just because the other person is a virgin? i swear, we need to send these people who hate virgins off to re-education camps in fricken siberia. what the hell ever happened to compassion or empathy or caring about other people or looking at things from their point of view, or actually acting in such a way that is compliant with other people’s wishes?!? if someone wants sex, and they are the correct gender that you are attracted to, and you are single, and you find them attractive, and they are still a virgin, then god dammit, you ought to give into their wishes, unless you have a damn good reason not to. why the fuck do people turn each other down so much? that shit is fucked up! now look, i realize you might not want to be with someone who has fricken aids or some other disease, or with someone who is crazier than ted kazynski, or who is fat or unattractive. great! so stay the fuck away from people like that, and if they ask you out, turn them down! but if someone is attractive and smart and single, and happens to be a virgin, then say yes, you fucking idiot! what the hell kind of moron only wants to have sex with other people who have had lots of sex before? someone who wants to have aids and chlamidia and herpes and ghonnorea and all those other fucking diseases! guess what idiots?!? virgins don’t have stds!!! so quit acting like a bunch of morons, and stop going around only fucking other people who have a history of being sexually active, and find some virgins instead! unless you already have an std or two. in that case, please, never have sex with anyone ever again. or if you really have to, please make sure that they already have all the same diseases as you. because if you have sex with someone who doesn’t have all of your goddamn diseases, you are a fucking murderer, and you deserve to go rot in jail, motherfucker. like guess what? paris hilton has fricken herpes! if you don’t have herpes, stay the fuck away from that slut, because she will infect you with an incurable disease, you idiot! besides, she is practically flat chested, and is dumber than rocks! oh and what if someone who is a virgin is flat chested or stupid? well, that by itself is not enough reason not to do it with them. please, people, have some compassion, for those of us who are less fortunate. everyone needs some lovin’. except for asexual people. but asexual people are pretty rare. nobody cares about them anyway. if someone is asexual, and does not have any sexual attraction towards anyone else, than it is up to them whether to stay a virgin or get married and have kids. and of course i think everyone ought to be able to make their own decisions in all circumstances and never have anything forced on them by anyone else. but i am pissed as hell about what these awful men have done to these unfortunate ladies who are still virgins, how those men refused to have coitus with them, refused them the bliss of sexual intercourse. they had no excuse. both people were attracted to each other, and neither of them had any crazy-ass diseases that could spread via that sort of activity. and neither of them was in a committed relationship with anyone else. there was simply no excuse, other than sheer malicious hatred and desire to make the other person miserable. why the hell can’t people just get the fuck along and stop being a bunch of mean and nasty assholes and bitches who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves? what the hell ever happened to caring about other people, or is that considered obsolete in the 21st century? you know, in high school, i knew this one guy, who was a real ladies’ man. he hung out with girls all the time and talked to them a whole lot and never was the least bit shy around any of them. and he always said, he wanted to keep his virginity, and save himself for the right girl. that is what he always told everyone. and you know what? once he was a freshman in college, that guy came out of the closet and told the world that he is a flaming homosexual. that bastard always cheated off me on tests, and still, he treated me, and everyone else he knew, like shit. but for some reason, he was the most popular guy in high school, with more friends than anyone else. now of course most homosexuals are probably not nasty evil bastards like him. but, that experience taught me something; i have also heard another guy tell about how he turned down a hot girl who was very horny and wanted him, and that other guy was a 16-year-old virgin-by-choice guy who is a closet homosexual still in denial. that second case was quite intriguing because this guy was in total denial about being gay, despite having every single stereotypical gay mannerism that exists, and he even told that story about how he refused sex with a hot girl that propositioned him. so, whenever i hear about a single guy turning down a hot girl, i think there is probably something questionable about his sexual orientation. because any healthy young man ought to have a sufficient amount of testosterone in his bloodstream to give him such a strong desire for sexual intercourse that such a course of action would be unthinkable. i know i have huge amounts of testosterone coursing through my veins; i have been a horny pervert since age 13, and all that time i have been an avid fan of pornography depicting naked females. i think that any guy who does not masturbate; well, there is just something wrong with him, unless he gets so much sex that it uses up all of his libido and/or semen. or if he is pre-pubescent, that is another good reason why he would not masturbate. but the whole point of masturbation is to bring oneself to orgasm while imagining sexual encounters with other people. this is what men are supposed to do! and any red-blooded heterosexual man who does not have any romantic and/or marital relationships ought to jump at the chance for a sexual encounter with an attractive female, and if he does not, there is something seriously wrong with him. this is not my brain speaking; i am speaking from my balls. this is my testosterone speaking. so, what is the point of all this discussion? well, i am simply saying that i believe the women discussed in the salon.com article have unfortunately only had romantic experiences with defective men, men who don’t have the balls to be real men. i do not know why they have found it so difficult to find any real men, men who have functional balls that produce significant quantities of testosterone, who are heterosexual and want to have sex with real women. of course i do not mean to insult homosexuals in any way, but i do believe homosexuality to be a genetic anomaly that ought to gradually go away naturally as a part of darwinian evolution, because homosexuality is either genetic in origin or is a product of the person’s mind. if it is a product of the mind, then the old-school psychological profession was right, and homosexuality really is a mental illness, but i do not believe that for one second. i think homosexuality is inborn, innate, something that cannot be changed, something hardwired into a person’s dna. so, theoretically, under the process of darwinian evolution, the genes for homosexuality ought to gradually become more and more rare, over the course of many generations, until homosexuality is eliminated completely. or perhaps i misunderstand the science of genetics, and maybe the causes for homosexuality are more subtle or complex. perhaps it is caused by the physical environment of the mother’s womb, or the environment a person is raised in during early childhood development, in which case homosexuality is probably a completely natural outcome for someone to have as a sexual orientation, and one that has always existed and will continue to exist forever. i know, for example, of lesbians whose fathers were sexually abusive towards them, and in those cases, i think the fathers are to blame for their daughters’ homosexuality. in actual fact, i think that if homosexuality really were genetic in orgin, it would have long since disappeared from this earth, and there would be no homosexuals anywhere. so, i think the answer has got to be the environment a child is raised in. i have heard that gay men have the same high levels of testosterone being produced by their testicles as straight men, and they have the same desire for sexual intercourse and the same tendency towards masturbation. the only difference is the target of their sexual interests. but, in any case, that simply reinforces my point about how any red-blooded heterosexual male who is unattached and has no sexually transmitted diseases ought to jump at the chance to have sex with an attractive young lady. if that is not his reaction to a situation in which he is offered sex by such a lady, the most likely explanation is that his testicles are not producing sufficient quantities of testosterone and releasing it into his bloodstream. this probably indicates either poor health, advanced age, or some sort of developmental abnormality. now of course, some men have religious convictions that keep them from having premarital sex, but that is an altogether different issue from the one discussed in the salon.com article. the men who turned down the unfortunate attractive young virgin ladies in the article, those men were sexually active, and certainly these men had no religious qualms about premarital sex, since they had sex with different sexually active women all the time. perhaps these men have some sort of horrendous prejudice against virgins, which is altogether sickening and misogynistic. for one thing, i think people of both genders tend to be shy around those whom they are sexually attracted to, and oftentimes this shyness precludes any sort of conversation or the development of any romantic relationships. traditionally, girls were expected to wait for guys to ask them out, a tradition which i find misogynistic and sexist and utterly ridiculous, but, if you combine the legacy of that tradition with the fact that many people of both genders are afflicted with the horrendous scourge of shyness, it is inevitable that many girls will simply never ask anyone out, and just wait for guys to ask them out (assuming that the girls in question are heterosexuals, of course). so, with that in mind, guys should not discriminate against girls who are virgins, or look down upon them in any way, nor should there be stigma attached to guys who are virgins either, for that matter. we ought not assume everyone’s needs are being met in our society; in fact, it would probably be safer to assume that nobody’s needs are being met. but, i am still utterly shocked by the behavior of the men discussed in the salon.com article; still stunned by it. those men acted like... i am sorry, there is no other word for it... women. i mean, it is amazing to me how the differences between men and women are vanishing so quickly. men acting like women and women acting like men. it has gotten so confusing, nobody knows how to act anymore, much less how to expect anyone else to act. our society is disintegrating into utter confusion and chaos. please, somebody, fix this. i am too confused to think straight anymore. i just wish i could find a girlfriend, and i want to have sex a second time, only this time, do it the right way, instead of the wrong way like before. actually, i would like to have sex many, many times. but the one time i did have sex, i did not enjoy it much at all; it was rather a big disappointment. it was not even as good as masturbating. and as for relationships, well, i have a lot of problems socially, and i am quite self-centered and quite frankly i just don’t seem to give a damn about anyone but myself most of the time. plus, i am quite shy, and i don’t trust anyone. i just can’t talk openly to a lady, because there are certain things that simply cannot be discussed with a lady unless you know her well enough, and i don’t know any of them that well. now, the guys who are my friends from college, i can talk to them about anything. but i don’t like that, because they are all much more successful than me with the opposite sex, so i always end up feeling pathetic and inferior and worthless, even though that is not their intention, to make me feel that way. i just have incredibly low self-esteem. so, i dunno. i am not really enjoying my new job that much, because it is kind of boring, and i am pretty disappointed with the way my life has turned out. i just wish things could get better somehow, like there was some kind of magic solution that would fix everything. and nobody understands me, even though i am the easiest person in the world to understand. that is the paradox that is who i am. i wonder if there is something i can do to make things better. if only i could allow other people to control my behavior, they would probably be able to manage my life better than i am mismanaging it myself. i just have no clue about anything anymore. i wish i lived in a country with a totalitarian dictatorship and arranged marriages, so i would never have to make any decisions, and everything would be decided for me. freedom is too much for me to deal with. i want to be a slave. at least then i would know my place in this world.

me so krazie

ok, i am a complete lunatic, for the record. today at work i had a panic attack and i had thoughts running through my mind that i was dying. i couldn’t concentrate on the work or think straight enough to do my job so i talked with my supervisor and left work 2 hours early. which means, of course, that i will be paid for 2 hours less work than i would have ended up being paid otherwise. so, what was making me so upset? here is the rundown:

i have a panic attack disorder, known as panic disorder, anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or something like that. generally, it effects me in 3 major ways. number one, it gives me panic attacks, usually ones where i have hypochondria, meaning that i think i am dying and my mind makes up different theories for medical problems i might have that are about to kill me within a few minutes and i am doomed. the second effect is, it gives me diarrhea and flatulence and a very uncomfortable digestive system, causing intense pain in my lower digestive tract and requiring me to take a shit again and again and again, and i wipe my ass so many times and make it so sore and painful, it starts bleeding all over the toilet paper. perhaps there is some obsessive/compulsive component to my need to keep wiping my ass until there is not the slightest hint of anything brown on the toilet paper. who knows? there are some things i do that calm me down, that also might be sort of obsessive/compulsive. like i use sharp implements like scissors to scrape off dead skin from my toes and cut my toenails really short, but i actually chop off living tissue and make myself bleed on a pretty regular basis. i also do this to my fingernails and the skin around them, but not as bad as on my toes. and i have athlete’s foot between my toes that has been there for almost 20 years, since i was a small child. it has never been cured, it has just gotten stronger over time. i regularly scrape away the dead skin left by the athlete’s foot, sometimes causing bleeding, and underneath, the raw, living skin becomes exposed to the air, once i am finished. then a day later, that skin is dead, and i scrape it off, again. i wonder how my body keeps producing a new layer of skin every single day, for 20 years. kind of insane... i was maybe 7 years old when i started this, and i have never stopped. if i go for a day or two without doing it, the skin starts to get kind of thick between by toes and there are multiple layers of dead skin... and then eventually they can come off on their own, but it is actually a lot more painful if i let it happen that way, since when it gets thick, the dead skin comes off and brings the live skin underneath with it.

ok. so i am a weirdo with bad hygiene who has engaged in a form of bodily self-mutilation since i was a young child. what else? oh yes, the anxiety disorder. it makes me avoid anything i find frightening or distasteful or whatever. i make use of a “defense mechanism” known as “avoidance”, as the default action to take whenever i am confronted with a problem. i try to bury my problems away and pretend they don’t exist, and they just fester in the background, getting worse, and subconsciously i never stop thinking about how bad they are, and it just eats away at me, making me crazier and crazier, until i just can’t take it anymore and go nuts. at that point, i usually actually do something directly to solve the problem, in a brief period of hyperactive anxious hysteria, and only when it is done can i start to calm down again. needless to say, i am a very bad procrastinator, and wait until the last minute to do important things. and what about things that do not have any definite timetable or deadline or due date? in those cases, i almost always neglect the problem completely, and fail to do anything whatsoever to fix it. and in fact, whenever i have an opportunity to fix it, i repress my urge to solve the problem, and force myself to do nothing and let the problem get worse, because i am afraid of the unknown. the only life i know is the life like this, where i never solve any of my problems. i am so afraid of change, of having things that i am not already accustomed to happening to me, that i try to avoid it at all costs. this fear of change, this habitual behavior, is part of my asperger’s syndrome. another part of my asperger’s is my social withdrawal and avoidance of other people. lately i have been trying hard to socialize and try to make friends, and keep the few i have, and talk to people. i have been making some good progress here but nowhere near enough. my biggest failure is on the romantic/dating/sexual front, where my complete inaction and avoidance of any situation that might put me at risk of making any progress has been quite horrendous. i am utterly disappointed and frustrated and befuddled by my steadfast refusal to actually do anything in pursuit of romance or any sort of relations with the opposite sex. i am a very horny, young heterosexual male, who thinks sexual thoughts about attractive young women constantly, yet i simply cannot bring myself to talk to the attractive young women most of the time. and when i do, my inner demons ensure that i fuck it up quite badly, or even if i manage to have the self-control not to make an utter fool of myself, my ubiquitous tendency to avoid situations i am unfamiliar with causes me to be utterly incapable of simply asking a girl out. period. oh i think about asking a girl out. i decide to do it, and my resolve is firm. and i decide whom to ask out, and what time would be right. and then when the time comes, i simply cannot bring myself to say to her what i have already made a firm decision to say no matter what. instead, i do nothing. my ability for my conscious mind to directly control my own actions is completely shattered at that point, and consciously i am thinking, “what the hell is wrong with you? ask her out!! you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!! you know you want it more than anything!! do you really want to be miserable? why must you always sabotage yourself like this!! you are the biggest loser in the world, and a complete and utter fool!! i hate you!! i hate myself!! i am such a loser!! i wish i was never born!! i am so pathetic it is unbelieveable!! i would have never imagined that at 24 years old, this would be all that i would ever amount to!! my life is such a complete failure!! why is everybody else so much better than me?? i just want to be just like them, just a normal, regular person!! i am sick and tired of being weird and different!! what kind of cruel joke is it for me to be alive on this stupid planet, doomed to die someday, and cursed with these ridiculous mental problems that keep me from ever getting anything i want?? what is the point of even doing anything, ever? why even bother? this is pathetic. oh well, i might as well go back to living my stupid life as usual. it’s not like i have any other choice, except for suicide, which is the most ridiculously stupid idea ever. i mean, i still need to spread my seed and produce offspring before i die, or else my dna will be forever lost from the gene pool. and that would be pathetic, because most humans are the most inferior scum imaginable. our entire species is just one big joke, and we will destroy ourselves within the next 100 years most likely. but i might as well keep going in this fiasco, because ultimately i am quite interested in what the outcome will be. if i were to die any time soon, i would miss finding out how we humans manage to destroy ourselves completely. i can’t believe i am even attracted to the inferior female human scum! we humans are all a pathetic and inferior species, compared to virtually any advanced alien race, so why do we even bother continuing this pointless existence on this 3rd world planet? i want to go to the moon, because at least the moon has a superior race of alien beings, known as the mooninites. those guys are awesome! i can’t wait until i see them in the next episode of aqua teen hunger force! that show kicks ass!”

ok, so you see how i think. like a complete lunatic. anyway, so, there was this girl at work, the first week and a half i worked there, up until thursday last week, and we talked all the time, and i kind of liked her. sure, she had her share of problems too, and wasn’t perfect, but she had the prettiest smile... and her buxom busom was quite enthralling, too, especially on the one day she wore an outfit that showed some cleavage! yikes! that day i had a woody so big, he was in more movies than woody harrelson and woody allen combined! nice girl too. except when she was mean. but regardless, she was always quite interesting. graduated high school at age 15, and got a bachelor’s degree at age 20, and had been out of college 2 years. she was a real racist too, she told me she hates black people. had an abortion once, because her father made her, and now she is obsessed with having someone impregnate her so she can have some more kids. i was kinda planning on having the biological father be me... sigh... but she moved away, to the other side of the country, all of a sudden, when her mom got deathly ill, and she is not moving back. and apparently she is never coming back to binghamton again, at least not to live. still, i miss her. she was such a great, interesting person. i mean, sometimes she said stuff i thought was stupid. like how she believed in horoscopes and astrology and all that nonsense. but see, i don’t need to have a girl who is a genius or who only believes in things that are true, or who is right about everything. i just liked her as a person, and because i found her attractive, and she just had such an interesting personality, and got along with me so well. oh well. maybe people who are racist are not ones we should associate with. but i think her admission to racism was really more of an indication that she is brutally honest, that she tells the truth, and has the integrity to admit it when she has a problem, rather than pretending there is nothing wrong. i actually had not really decided on what my plans with her were. i thought maybe she might be girlfriend material, or maybe just a friend, or someone i might have sex with, or maybe things might not work out at all and we might just end up going our separate ways. i never really put all my eggs in one basket or anything with her; i always was making other plans about other girls i liked. but i think the main thing to take away from this is, i am so lonely and starved for human affection that i am very much willing to compromise about who i am willing to have a relationship with. and i am even willing to have a relationship with someone if i strongly disagree with a large percentage of what they believe in. because ultimately, i can separate the person from the beliefs. and it is the person i like. there was just a certain sparkle in her eyes, a certain spirit, that is all too lacking in many people, and that was what i really liked about her, more than anything. it is kind of boring not having her around, sitting in the cubicle next to me at the office anymore.

and the other people who sat in cubicles near me, they are all gone too. i don’t know what happened to them. none of them were here today. i felt alone, abandoned, hung up and left to dry. when i left tonight i saw one, and she had been moved from the offices upstairs to work on something downstairs. i was glad to hear this, because i was worried she had left the workplace entirely, and quit. i hate to be losing my co-workers like this. now i have to either become friends with the people who have worked there a long time, or find some new people getting jobs there and get to know them. but godddammit... i need to have someone at the office i can be friends with and talk to and stuff. i am starved for attention and affection and basically just want some human contact, some form of positive social interaction, because i feel so empty inside, and i need somebody else to make me whole again. for all my life i have been a rather antisocial person who does not talk with others much at all, and especially not with young women, because my attraction to them is so unbearably strong that it renders me emotionally incapable of dealing with the situation of talking to them. i live with my parents but all too often they point out my faults and things i am not doing correctly with my life, instead of focusing on the positive; when they are like this, being around them just makes me miserable. so i try to avoid them, unless they are being nicer and not nagging me incessantly about my failure to do this or that. it is bad enough that i cannot get myself to do things that i have firmly decided to do, and dealing with my own laziness and refusal to end bad habits or start good ones. but having other people join in on the internal criticism of myself, out loud, vocally, reinforces this internal self-hate even more. my self-loathing is unparalleled; i daresay, it is impossible that anyone else in this world hates and despises themselves as much as i do myself. now of course i do want to get better, and i do not think it is hopeless; well sometimes i do think it is hopeless, but only during periods of panic, depression, or despair.

but on sunday, i was over at the neighbor’s house, helping put the cover over the pool for the winter. there were some nasty bugs out; gnats is what they are called, apparently. they are similar to mosquitoes but smaller and just look like tiny blurs under the pale glow of the evening sky. a large number of them were surrounding me, flying all over, and they ended up all attacking my right leg. i was wearing a bathing suit and nothing else. things seemed fine, until 2 days later, on tuesday, when the gnat bites swelled up and became big and red and inflamed and quite painful. so at work today, i had intense pain on my right leg. i also had diarrhea and gas caused by my anxiety problems. and i wiped my ass so often that night, over many visits to the bathroom, that it became extremely painful, probably twice as strong as the pain from my right leg. i also had a pounding headache. and i felt quite tired, but also like i had too much caffeine. i simply had not slept well the night before, for one thing. and the coffee i drank right before work was maybe a bad idea in retrospect. anyway, all the co-workers who usually sat near me, who i knew and loved, they were all gone now, and i felt all alone. i was in pain. and i was nervous. they handed out reports to each employee on our job performance. how fast we type, how many mistakes, etc. the reports are quite cryptic. but some of the stuff i found kind of alarming, so i asked a supervisor about it, and it turns out i actually did pretty well, compared to other people who have just been on the job a week and a half. but still, the stress of thinking for maybe 2 or 3 minutes that i had awful job performance and might get fired... that was just awful. i mean sure, the job pays next to nothing, and is only through a temp agency... but still... this is a matter of my honor, of my good name. being fired because of bad job performance, i would never want such a grave dishonor to besmirch my good name, no matter what the job was. i pride myself on the good work that i do, and i am an obsessive perfectionist. so that bothered me too. and earlier in the day i had had an argument with my mother which was still on my mind and bothering me a bit. also, i was supposed to cash my first paycheck today, but i did not get to the credit union in time; i had to go straight to work from my house since i did not have enough time to stop along the way to cash the paycheck. so at the subway restaraunt, i was kind of disturbed by the fact that i only have $3 in cash left, and the rest of my money is in my bank accounts, which are almost empty, or in the paycheck that has yet to be cashed. so i paid with my credit card, after asking if they took credit cards and (luckily!) hearing a positive response. that episode shook me, because i pride myself on always carrying enough cash around on hand to deal with any normal everyday situation that involves spending a reasonably small amount of money.

and at the job, employees are expected to eventually be able to process 3 or more documents every minute, on average. i cannot even do half that! my failure to be fast enough was really getting to me. i was not reading the stuff on the screen fast enough, i was not typing fast enough, i was not moving and clicking the mouse fast enough, and i was not thinking fast enough. and despite all my slowness, i still kept making mistakes. i felt hopeless! there is just so much time pressure, when you have to be so fast, fast, fast, and work a total of 8 hours, divided into 4 bite-size chunks of 2 hours with breaks in between. i had so many problems on my mind, weighing me down. and last night, i ate a tremendous quantity of cheese-free lasagna (with just the noodles and sauce and meat and vegetables). my anxiety-ridden lower digestive tract was quite upset and in turbo mode, especially after the cup of coffee right before work. so my diarrhea and gas problem were both out of control. and the right leg was doing horribly. all my co-workers that i knew were gone and i was left working with a bunch of strangers. so to chill out, i decided i needed to take a chill pill; namely, an anti-anxiety medication. i also took a painkiller to dull the pain from my right leg and my sore on-the-verge-of-bleeding ass, as well as my headache. i was sweating profusely and probably hyperventilating too. and you know what? i took a third pill, an anti-gas (anti-flatulant) pill. the third pill was almost too big to swallow. and after i swallowed the third pill i started to feel really weird. i got sweatier than ever; a cold sweat, of course. my heart was pounding. i felt like my head was going to explode. i felt disoriented and couldn’t think straight or concentrate on my job. my ass and right leg still hurt like hell. all the strangers around me kept typing studiously and paying me no heed. i started wondering, did i follow the package directions properly for that anti-gas pill? so i looked at the package, and whaddaya know, it says to chew thoroughly before swallowing. and you know what? i had not chewed it at all, whatsoever, before swallowing. suddenly my mind was filled with pictures of my intestines filling up with air from the mixing of an acid and a base, and exploding, with blood and guts everywhere, all inside my body. then the internal bleeding starts to get out of control, and meanwhile, fecal material starts to enter my bloodstream now that the blood vessels and intestinal walls have been shattered. within less than a minute, i am dead. or so i imagined it happening. the sweating was getting out of control, even though i felt quite cold, and my heart racing and that annoying headache and the pain, the pain that never went away... it was all too much to bear. for a few minutes, i kept typing, kept doing my job, tried to distract myself from my hypochondria and my crazy imaginings of medical problems, but it did not work. i kept getting more and more agitated, and soon the 3rd break of the evening was coming up. i promptly went to my supervisor and explained the situation, how i was having a panic attack and kept having thoughts about medical problems and me dying, and i could not think straight, and i needed to go home since i could not possibly keep doing my job for another 2 hours. so my supervisor said i could go, and i went back and got my stuff, and i left.

i hope tomorrow is a better day. show me some love in the comments section, people. i want to know you care. even if you are some anonymous person off the internet. i just want us all to be one big happy family, all of humanity, all getting along and loving each other. i mean, we all share the same common ancestors, so we are all distant cousins of each other. i am sure that i will be fine anyway, but i would just like to have some positive affirmation so i can feel better about myself. things have been so nuts recently, but i am feeling better now than a few hours ago. and it was good to get all this out of my system and express myself like this. i hope all of you can get something out of it too, maybe. in case anyone else has problems like mine. i dunno. but, for now, since my emotional stability is back for the time being, i should focus on more practical matters, like all the things i have been avoiding doing in order to preserve my sanity. because, what sanity is there for me to preserve? i might as well go for it, and do things that need to be done, rather than being lazy and avoiding things i dislike because they seem to cause emotional problems in the short term. because in the long term, that is the only way i can have good emotional health. be sure to leave some nice comments for me, please! i love all of you people reading this blog, even the lurkers who never post! even if you do not leave a comment, i will still get the message telepathically. haha. no. just kidding. i don’t believe in any supernatural shit. but please. leave some kind of comment. and if you leave a nasty comment... be warned, i am about to make a vague threat to you that probably won’t have any effect at all. those of you who leave nasty comments will be sorry... oh will you ever be sorry. don’t even ask what i will do to you, or what horrible fate awaits you. haha, how was that for a vague threat? maybe a little too creepy. i dunno. but now for some vague promises of rewards. if you post a nice comment to this post of mine, you will be greatly rewarded, if not by me, than by someone else, maybe not a person, or even a tangible entity, but in some way, in some sense, you truly will be rewarded handsomely. perhaps in material terms, perhaps in a deeper sense, but the rewards will come.

and one last thing. get mozilla firefox 2 beta 2. that is a direct order. i want everyone to download that program, and try it out. if you like it, keep using it, and eventually it will auto-update to the final release of firefox 2.0, once it comes out, as well as future releases after that. and if you don’t like it, complain to the developers. then maybe the final release of firefox 2.0 will be better, after the developers take your complaints into consideration. 99% of extensions for firefox 1.5 work if you use the nightly tester tools extension. as for themes, please try the default theme for a while, and give feedback to the developers on it, because the default theme is brand new and experimental and personally i think it sucks ass. the downloads page of richmcgrew.com has a nice list of themes that work on firefox 2 beta 2, although you have to scroll down quite a ways and it might be a little hard to find at first. by the way, i think richmcgrew.com is the greatest website ever to exist in the history of the internet, although i despise its webmaster, rich mcgrew. he is still on my “dead to me” board, but i am willing to move him back up to the “on notice” board if he shapes up. and maybe someday he might shape up so much, he isn’t even on notice anymore! yeah right! alright everyone, post your comments already!