my stupid life history

i hate my life history! i have lived the most boring life ever, had hardly any notable experiences, and basically lived a life of utter deprivation all along! i know the future can be different, and possibly better than the past. but my past is worse than horrible! it is simply unimaginably wretched! i have lived such a boring, lonely existence, all because i have always been such a creature of habit and afraid of change... and i just don’t like people! can’t stand ’em! i don’t like myself, and i don’t like anybody else either! now as for girls, i might find a particular lady physically attractive... but as for personality... nobody is good enough! at least not good enough for me! people piss me off! just tonight i was talking with some people and they were talking about how a “super ball” (a bouncy rubber toy ball that apparently the super bowl was named after) goes twice as fast after it hits the ground, the first 4 times it hits, and only after that does it start to slow down. what the fuck? have these idiots never heard of science? it is impossible for something to have more velocity after it hits the ground than before. that is not how bouncing works. i tried to explain it to them, and i even brought up flubber from the movies, and said that if things worked the way they said it worked, you could build a perpetual motion machine. ugh! i hate dealing with people’s ignorance! i have never liked other people. i always wonder how they get along so well. why everyone else has friends but not me. why everyone else dates and gets laid except me. am i really that inferior? i am just so jealous of everyone else! why do they get to have lives that are so much better than my horrible little life? what did i ever do to deserve this? on the radio tonight, on the news, they talked to a guy who is a principal at a school in texas where they stopped having school dances because the principal didn’t approve of the dirty dancing that went on there with the junior high kids, which he said was simulated sex. now, i only ever went to one school dance, and i was such a nervous wreck, unable to talk to anyone, and a girl actually did ask me to dance at one point and then i came out and i tried to but my body did not respond to any commands from my brain, i just stood still, unable to move. then she got upset and went away and i could move again but it was too late, and i felt like a freak and a loser and i just never wanted to go to another school dance again so i didn’t. i hate myself so much. i always have. it seems like everyone else has a better life than me. why is it that i was gifted with all these goddamn talents but i never get to use them? i am a genius but nobody will give me a job commensurate with my intellectual prowress. instead, i have great difficulty finding any employment at all, and what little i can find is menial low-paying jobs that a monkey could do. what kind of a life is this?!? nothing is turning out as i intended!!!!! whenever i felt down, whenever i felt like things were so horrible, i couldn’t go on anymore, i always used to tell myself, “don’t worry, things will get better in the future”. i am 24 years old now goddammit, and in june next year i will turn 25! time will not stop passing to wait for me! i can’t go back in time and live my life correctly, the way i should have lived it, to the fullest! no! there are no second chances in life, no do-overs. once something happens, it becomes history, it becomes the past, and it is set in stone, unchangeable. there are not multiple different versions of the past; there is only one, and that is the way things actually happened. and in the one true version of the past, the way things actually happened, my life has been nothing but a long series of disappointments and setbacks and comparing my life to other people’s and realizing it sucks in comparison, every time. oh sure, there are some people whose lives are worse than mine, don’t get me wrong. there are people who are starving to death, and stuff like that. but at least those people have friends, or can make real human connections with other people, or stuff like that. ugh. i can’t stand other people. i am never treated with the respect i deserve. after all the things i have been through in this stupid-ass life, people have the nerve to treat me like i am a little kid who doesn’t know anything, like i am some kind of naive little foolish boy. i cannot stand to have my intelligence questioned! it is the one thing i have going for me! without it i am nothing! dammit, whenever i talk to someone, they always say at least one retarded thing that bugs me so much, i conclude that they are a complete moron. of course i say things like that too! it is infuriating! why do i talk like some kind of juvenile fool so much of the time? why can’t i make my intelligence known in every word i utter, and say things that are profound and meaningful and insightful and true? why do i deliberately use bad grammar on my blog? i am a perfectionist! perhaps my bad grammar be a form of masochism. hehehehe. until recently, i hardly ever talked to other people. whenever i do now, i am usually disappointed. and sometimes (like tonight) they end up thinking i am the stupid one! just because of my lack of understanding of subtle social cues and body language and my lack of empathy! well other people can go fuck themselves for all i care! why should i bother caring about them if they don’t care about me? and if they do care about me, then instead of fucking themselves, they can fuck me! hahahahaha! that was a good one! at least i think that was funny, but i am sure nobody else does! god dammit... i did not earn the title of valedictorian and go through 4 years of hell at cornell in the computer science and math double major, in order to end up at some crappy dead-end job that does not use any of my academic knowledge! from an economic standpoint, how on earth is this a good use of society’s resources? if i am most skilled at academic and intellectual pursuits, as well as at computers and math, i ought to be in a career field where my skills are put to maximal use. my current job is letting my brain rot, because it requires no intelligence; anyone can do it if they type fast enough! oh, we humans are such an inferior race. i am inferior to everyone else in so many ways, and other people i come across are inferior to me in so many ways. but each of us is inferior in a unique and different way, i suppose. each of us has our own failures and weaknesses and things that make us inferior to everyone else. i know i have tons of them. it is such insanity for me! i cannot fathom how i manage to keep such contradictory beliefs at the same time and still pretend to be rational! it is a ridiculous situation. at the same time, i both believe that i am inferior to everyone else, and that i am better than everyone else. i hold 2 contradictory beliefs at the same time. and they aren’t just a little contradictory; they are polar opposites! my mind cannot compute the outcome of that equation! if person a is inferior to persons b thru z, and person a is better than persons b thru z, than what can we conclude about person a? in logic, once your set of assumptions includes two contradictory premises, you can logically prove anything at all, even things that are demonstrably false. in other words, since i hold to beliefs which contradict each other, even if i use nothing but logical reasoning to arrive at new beliefs and conclusions, i can come to any belief or conclusion whatsoever, on the basis of those 2 contradictory beliefs alone! you see, i am not a rational person. i am, how do you say, insane? yes, very much. dammit! so i feel like i have no self-control! i have never felt like i had self-control! i have always felt like i am some sort of automaton, some kind of robot. i have always felt like i am just a passive observer and that everything my body does, it does on its own. if i do something or say something, i feel like that is not something under my control, but rather preordained, pre-scripted, pre-programmed, like my body is some sort of robot executing a program etched into its circuit boards. and i feel like the control i have over myself, what little control there is, is just an illusion. in reality, there is no control. nothing is under control. the universe is a grand experiment, except there is no control. everything is random. all the order we see in daily life is just chaos in disguise. i feel like the grim reaper is stalking me. time is my enemy. if i cannot learn to control my mind and body fast enough, i will be old and dead before i learn how to live my life the way i should have been living it since the day i was born. i have cheated death thousands of times, each time in my imagination, but it felt real, because it was a panic attack, and i really thought i was dying at the time, each of those many, many times it happened. how can a person such as me, who is so insane, try to be sane, and not lose his mind? i hate people! nobody understands me. nobody gets it. but what is the point? i am just one of over 6 billion people! why should someone waste their time trying to understand me, anyway? that is why most people don’t even bother! maybe they would bother if there were only 2 people alive, them and me. am i in hell right now? there don’t seem to be many flames. but sometimes i think i am in hell, that life on earth is hell. if this is hell, who is satan? i don’t believe in any religion; they are all ridiculous fabrications of the human imagination, and have nothing whatsoever to do with reality. but it still has this mindless, zombie-like appeal for me. i feel like becoming a mindless drone and having my brain reprogrammed and becoming a pod person, some kind of slave. i feel like giving up on having any individuality or my own will, and becoming part of the machine, of the giant military-industrial complex, turning myself into some kind of half-human, half-robot cyborg, or something. i feel like building a doomsday device and then detonating it immediately after i am finished building it, so as not to give anyone else the chance to stop me from destroying the planet earth. i feel like making time go backwards so that i start getting younger, and everything that ever happened to me un-happens in reverse, and i get smaller and smaller until i am a baby and go back inside my mom, and then shrink down to one cell, which splits into a sperm and an egg cell, and then things continue to go backwards, only much faster now, all the way back to the big bang, at which point, the whole “universe” thing is called off because it is a bad idea. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, “this is my life, dammit, how dare you make me mortal! i want to live forever! i want unlimited chances to go back and change things i screwed up the first time! i refuse to accept anything less than eternal life, and complete world domination! i demand that the universe fulfill all of my wishes immediately, or i will be forced to transform into my true shape!” well ok, maybe i really am a human, maybe this really is my true shape. what a horrible shape it is! i need to work out and lose some weight! geez! what is up with that? i am such a lazy slob! goddammit. it is so hard deciding on which girl to ask out. none of them are perfect. so i have to settle for something, well, a little less than perfect, if you know what i mean. upstate new york is so devoid of anything good whatsoever, it is amazing. i basically live in a ghost town inhabited by people who wish they lived somewhere else but for some reason are stuck here. yes, that is why most people are here. trapped here against their will. all of the good people have long since moved far, far away. none of them are left here in town. the people left here are the lowlives, the scum of the earth, the people nobody else likes, the very lowest of the low. upstate new york is so awful, it is probably a thousand times worse than hell could ever possibly be. and that is just because of the taxes, the highest gasoline costs in the nation, the unemployment more than double the national average like usual, the economy that has been contracting slowly like a noose around the neck for over a decade, the aging population, all of the young (and especially the attractive) people moving out, the crime rate that grows exponentially, the rivers that smell of raw sewage, and the ridiculous ultra-duplication of everything throughout local government. this place is a post-modern, post-industrial, post-cold-war wasteland of technology gone obsolete, of companies that lost their competitiveness, got bought out, outsourced their jobs, and left. why am i living in this dump? i have no money, i live with my parents, and i have asperger’s syndrome and panic attacks. i do not adjust well to new surroundings. i do not adjust well to anything new. it is bizarre how much change frightens me, and very illogical. but who can expect emotions to be logical? mine sure aren’t. sometimes i am very frightened, and someone (usually my mom) asks me why, and i say that i have no idea why i am frightened, perhaps it is just a biological thing in my brain with no logical explanation in my thoughts. and then my mom looks at me like i am some sort of alien. no, i am not an alien, i just have panic attacks! most people who have panic attacks are women. am i a woman? yeah right! although i am sure women have it much easier in life. now they claim life is harder as a woman. have any of those women actually lived as a man? no. i’ll tell you one thing: when they had the military draft, who got sent to war? women? no, men! so, now tell me how life is harder for women! women live longer, and are healthier than men! they are also less prone to reckless self-endangerment, and do not have such oppressive sex drives! my sex drive is oppressing the hell out of me! every day i am reminded of how everyone else is better than me, and i am not getting laid or having sex, even though i want it more than anybody else in the world! wanting something alone is not enough. there has to be action. but i am trapped inside this stupid body that doesn’t take orders from my brain. or maybe, more realistically, something is holding me back, since i am afraid of change, so afraid of change that i prefer a terrible status quo to a vastly superior alternative, if it requires going outside of my comfort zone and doing things i am not accustomed to doing or familiar with or comfortable with. if something makes me too nervous, i am outta there! i can’t stand it! it is amazing that i am now able to actually talk to people, something i was too nervous to do most of my life. but i am so disappointed with the results. it only makes me dislike the people i talk to, and who knows what they think of me? i try to act nice to most people most of the time, which is hard, because i have such a low opinion of everyone and everything. and you know what really “grinds my gears”, to quote peter griffin? they took air america radio off the air where i live! the local air america radio affiliate switched to an espn radio affiliate! and the station is owned by citadel broadcasting, which was recently bought ought by disney, which owns espn. anyway, fuck those corporate bastards. so what if air america radio recently went bankrupt? so what if they did not meet their financial obligations to you? so what if there wasn’t enough audience? your audience was at least one person (me!) and i am so goddamn important that even if i am the only person listening, you had better keep the fucking station on the air, with the air america radio format i approve of, or else! or else what? or else i will listen to something else on the radio! or not listen to the radio at all! i fucking hate radios! why the hell did i buy one? oh yeah, because i can’t watch tv or surf the internet or do anything fun like that at work, so radio is just about the best i can do, which is pathetic! apparently i need my eyes to see the screen and my hands to type fast and use the mouse fast! oh and guess what? the wonderful program we use at work requires me to use both the keyboard and the mouse, so i have to move my right hand back and forth between the keyboard and the mouse several times, on every document! and i am supposed to get over 3 documents done every minute! talk about repetitive motion injuries! imagine doing that 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for the rest of your life. oh, and you live forever. at least you get to eat chinese food. luckily for me, i don’t have to do this shit forever. even if i do it the rest of my life (which i doubt), it is still going to end someday, which is a relief, because i am already bored out of my mind with this job! but i am working at one of the very few companies in town that actually hires people! goddammit, i hate myself so much! why do i always have to be my own worst enemy? this is the price i pay for being completely batshit insane. oh well. at least i have my diplomas to brag about, to other losers stuck in dead-end jobs in the middle of nowhere who hate people who brag to them because it smacks of arrogance. but i really have no choice. i have to keep working or else i won’t have any money to pay the bills. what a stupid country we live in. i hope our enemies defeat us. i hope everything bad that has not yet happened, happens. i hope evil triumphs and good people suffer. because if that comes true, it would be exactly what i expected, because i am a pessimist. and, judging by the way things are going now, all those bad things have already come true. the democrats won control of congress and the governorship of new york, and that gives me hope, but i hope my hope is misplaced, and i hope they ruin things even worse than the republicans, because at least then, things will be going horribly wrong like usual, and i won’t have to face the unfamiliar situation of something good actually happening for once in a billion years. and i will still support the democratic party no matter what, even if they adopt the same positions on all the issues as adolf hitler. because there are some things more important than right or wrong, and those things are talking and shutting the fuck up. if someone says something i agree with or like to hear, sure, go ahead, talk, i fully approve. if you have another opinion, shut the fuck up. based on those 2 principles, i will only listen to people i already agree with, and ignore anyone i disagree with, and no matter what the people i agree with say, i will continue to agree with them. quite honestly i just don’t care about anything anymore. truth, lies, good people, bad people, who cares? let the people who are most corrupt run everything. i hope tony blair re-enacts the war of 1812 by burning down the white house. and what is the point of having nuclear weapons if you never get to use them? we need some fresh new ideas in government, some stupid ideas and some evil ones that will really fuck things up for good. i am not even remotely making any sense anymore. i stopped caring hours ago. but honestly, writing crap like this makes me feel better once i get it out of my system, and i am going to feel better tomorrow because of it. thanks for reading. you shouldn’t have. i just wish i had lived a life that was at least a fraction of a percentage point as fun or interesting as your life, because i am sure that anyone other than me who reads this has had a much better life than i have. and if you haven’t, that is a lie, because you have, and i know it. i just hope nobody gets the wrong idea from what i write, and thinks there is some sort of a problem here and they have to intervene. i just need to express myself in words to feel better, and like anne frank, the girl who wrote the diary that was published as a book after she was killed by nazis, i like to make a public record of this stuff. that way people will know what life is really like for a smart person who went to an ivy league college. hint hint: it sucks. another hint: ivy league colleges are not necessarily the best. third hint: i hate cornell, all the other colleges are much better. fourth hint: i never actually learned anything. ever. why do i feel so empty inside? i am pretty sure i don’t even have a soul. with such a miserable life, the decision to go on living that i make every day is masochistic and insane. but i keep on making it every day. and i will continue, until mother nature decides she has had enough of my antics and my body is old and wears out, and the grim reaper comes for me, and gets me confused with a baby being delivered by a stork, and the baby ends up dead, and i end up being born again. i hope i have multiple lives. or at least multiple orgasms. life is such a cruel joke. i should be a comedian by having kids. then the joke is on them.