ann coulter: official spokesthing of reprehensible party

well ann coulter is triumphant. just read its latest column. brilliant! it (the alien space creature that poses as a woman) has emerged victorious from all of the “liberal” media’s halfhearted attempts to rebuke it. tonight i saw it on the tonight show with jay leno, sitting next to george carlin, and not a word of criticism from him! george carlin just sat back and watched it put on its schtick. jay leno was very sympathetic and nice to it, lobbing softball questions. and the audience didn’t boo or anything; they loved it, and cheered for it. it was kind of unnerving. who the fuck are these pod people anyway? are they undead or something? i know that ann coulter, being a space alien who is the sole survivor of the destruction of its parallel universe, has brought with it advanced technology, including mind-control rays. but this is something else. anyway, i would like to respond to the allegations that this alien space creature has repeated in its latest column.

1) liberals are godless. fuck yeah we are godless! god doesn’t exist. (god is defined as omniscient and omnipotent. if he is omniscient he can predict the future. if he is omnipotent he can act differently from how he predicted, thus contradicting his omniscience. therefore he cannot exist.) now there are many liberals who actually do believe in god. but i am not one of them and i do not speak for them. but anyway, the use of “godless” as a pejorative term is laughable. the only people who think godless is an insult are all right-wing fanatics anyway, so they are basically a lost cause. as for me, i thank the alien space creature for this praise. and the charges of treason and slander from earlier books, yup, i also agree that those are correct, sure, why not. i mean, the right-wingers like ann coulter have all redefined treason to mean “questioning official government policy in a time of war”, i.e., anyone who does not suspend all critical thought, who does not automatically believe everything the government leaders say is infallible, has commited treason. the swift-boaters who tarred john kerry’s reputation hated him for this crime of treason, committed back during vietnam; the young john kerry had treasonously questioned whether official government policies were correct, in a time of war. so of course, such a horrible treasonous person should never be allowed to be president, and must be kept out of office by any means necessary, including little white lies, preferably as many as possible. as for slander, slander means saying anything that isn’t true about somebody else. everybody commits slander all the time. ann coulter is actually a real live human being, a real woman. see? i just committed slander right there! fuck yeah! and george w. bush actually does care about black people, despite what kayne west said. oops, committed slander again! so sue me in england, bitches! bwhahahahahahahahaha!

2) bill clinton is a rapist. yes, ann coulter said it, and nobody questioned it, so it must be true. hey, i believe it. i mean, it’s not like there was a special prosecutor investigating bill clinton for many years on an unholy crusade to find anything at all to make bill clinton look bad, who was unable to make a single charge stick despite republican control of both houses of congress as well as talk radio and a good portion of the news media. nope. kenneth starr? the man does not exist. impeachment hearings? never happened. i mean come on. bill clinton did have a consensual relationship with monica lewinsky, and the liberal media kept emphasizing it and calling for his impeachment for having oral sex with monica lewinsky, because they knew this would brainwash the public into thinking women would actually be willing to consent to have sex with bill clinton. in actual fact, bill clinton can only have sex through forcible rape or by paying money to a prostitute, because there is not a single woman on the planet earth who would ever consent to sex with him willingly in a million years. this is because he is butt ugly, smells like ass, has zero charm or charisma whatsoever, and 100% of everybody hates his guts, including him. no news reporter ever wrote stories about his charm and charisma, and his popularity ratings were always very very low, even when everything in the country was going perfectly. so of course he raped a woman! it’s not like he could ever get a woman to consent with sex with him! don’t be ridiculous! and as we know, oral sex is not really sex. he did not have sexual relations with that woman, miss lewinsky. because if he had tried, she would have smacked him upside the head so hard it would’ve knocked his head clean off and out the window, decapitating and defenestrating him in one fell swoop. luckily that never happened, since it would have been unconstitutional, but the point is, we need to believe everything ann coulter says because alien space creatures from canada in a parallel universe never lie about anything.

so, that being said, i am glad that the reprehensible party is offering its unwavering support to ann coulter and has made it their official spokesthing. dubya’s approval ratings might not be 29% in most polls, but they are still pretty damn low, and he needs some help. he needs someone smart like ann coulter, to point out the obvious facts that everyone else is too afraid to mention, like that all liberals are treasonous traitors who commit slander and are godless, and by the way bill clinton is a rapist. you know, this so-called kenneth starr, who we all know is fictional, but, pretending for a moment that he does exist, he has got to be the most incompetent prosecutor who ever existed in the history of the universe, because bill clinton was obviously a rapist yet this so-called prosecutor didn’t even bother to prosecute him for it. what a joke! anyway, as a treasonous godless slanderous liberal who hates america and loves terrorists and communists (yes, ann coulter is correct about all of those things), i am very disappointed by how she has been able to unmask this great liberal conspiracy. oh yes, we had a conspiracy all right! you conservatives thought you controlled everything just because ultra-conservative reprehensible party hacks controlled all 3 branches of government, but guess what! we liberals secretly control all of your politicians, who are just puppets that we manipulate into pretending to be conservatives, but actually enacting far-left-wing communist/socialist policies, as part of a communist united nations conspiracy for world domination! and we have been undermining the war on terror all along, very purposefully, to help out our terrorist allies in al qaeda, since we liberals are all devout followers of the prophet muhammad, peace be upon him! this is all true, factual, and well documented! if it weren’t for ann coulter, we would have easily been able to put one over on you and succeed in turning the entire world into an islamofascist communist one world government new world order, with zero resistance whatsoever! but unfortunately ann coulter has uncovered our evil plan and shown us to be godless and horrible people who wanted to make the world as bad as possible on purpose just to make everyone miserable! ann coulter, on the other hand, is a devoted servant of god, who always does and says exactly what god would do in the same situation, if god were a bizarre alien space creature from canada in a parallel universe. and ann has also unmasked how we liberals control the entire media! yes, the media, which is owned by large corporations, naturally tends to be ultra-left-wing, because top executives in big business are naturally all communist hippie tree-hugging marxists, and they enforce rigid marxist ideology throughout their news-propaganda operations. but now, it is all over, unfortunately. somehow, the conservatives have won, and the world has been saved from our diabolical plans. righteousness has been restored. it is a new day in america. praise jesus! and re-elect the reprehensible party to power in november! don’t worry, the voting machines have all been fixed, so you can go ahead and vote without worrying about making mistakes! just remember: the status quo is 100% perfect, so since everyone in the government is doing such a fantastic job, and since congress is doing such an excellent job of oversight, we should re-elect all of them! hells yeah!