theists, watch as i kill your precious “god”

hey theists, you know god is just a word, right? i can kill god, very easily. watch...

god (noun): a supernatural being which is defined in a self-contradictory way, thus rendering its existence completely impossible, illogical, and absurd

see? i redefined the word “god”, and now god is dead! sure you can bring god back, the same way i killed him/her/it/whatever. but first, see why i hate your precious “god” concept so much, and think it is such a bad concept for people to believe in:



you see that? everyone hates athiests! we are even more despised and looked down upon than homosexuals, and it is well-known how deeply despised homosexuals are by such a large percentage of people! and the people who hate atheists are the same people who hate homosexuals! this is why so many homosexuals turn away from religion, because religion condemns them even though they have done nothing wrong. they are the victims, and religion is the oppressor. why believe in a god whose followers are evil and filled with hate?

now i am no homosexual, nor am i catholic, jewish, black, a woman, married 3 times, 72 years old, mormon, or hispanic. but i am disturbed by how much hate there is in this country and how bigoted people are towards anyone who is different from them. what kind of god would tell people that they should hate anyone who isn’t a white heterosexual christian male? you know who was a white heterosexual christian male? adolf hitler. look it up. a lot of other bad people too. can we really handle another white heterosexual christian male as our president? all of our white heterosexual christian male presidents have screwed things up so badly for us as a nation over the years. why did we have slavery for so long? why was it so long before women got the right to vote? why did we continue to have segregation, and a lack of equal voting rights for minorities? why is there still rampant racism, sexism, and homophobia even today, not to mention all of the bigotry towards people of other religious beliefs or nonbeliefs?

i am outraged by all the stupidity out there, especially in the media. who the hell comes up with these polling questions? the media is the ultimate culprit for most of society’s ills, because they are the massive brainwashing force that manipulates each and every one of us who has ever watched a television set or read a magazine or listened to the radio or watched a movie. now, the media is simply a capitalist beast. there are several major media companies that compete in each of the fields such as television, radio, movies, etc. and each of these companies is after one thing: profit. they want to expand the number of people who voluntarily submit to advertising and brainwashing services, by offering whatever gets the highest ratings. often high ratings are achieved not by appealing to the best in people but by appealing to our basest instincts, the lowest common denominator. but they are always too timid to go all the way, since they are large corporations and do not want bad publicity. one of the boldest media conglomerates is news corporation, whose fox television network boldy experimented with doing things that the 3 major networks (nbc, abc, and cbs) considered to be in bad taste and unworthy of the viewing audience. fox got more and more affiliates and gained in ratings and gradually the other networks all lowered their standards in order to appeal to the lowest common denominator and get down to almost the level where fox was, making fox have to go even lower in order to keep its edge over the other networks. and cable networks have also gone in this direction... mainly driven by market forces and capitalism. cnn has continued to get worse ever since other networks started competing against it; back before there was competition, cnn did an excellent job compared to the crap they are spewing now. back in olden times, people did not concern themselves with tabloid nonsense, unless they were tabloid newspapers. news shows on tv covered serious news. i am not even that old and i have still seen a tremendous change over time. and this capitalism crap really screwed with the networks after 9/11. they were afraid of doing any serious balanced coverage of anything, or doing any real investigative reporting or muckraking or questioning of the government, because they thought they would be branded unpatriotic, and then they might lose their precious advertisers! oh noes! not the precious advertisers! the whole reason they acted so ultra-patriotic on the news from 9/11 all the way up until the 2004 election season started was their mistaken belief that the majority of the news-watching public was too immature and stupid to handle real news and would want to shoot the messenger. as for me, i am trying to find real, serious news, and not some tawdry tabloid tidbit tit-for-tat.

one of the things that really gets me is how people keep being “offended” by things, whatever that means, and then complaining about it, and then how it actually gets news coverage. what the hell? this is one of the most annoying things about the media nowadays. they try to look for controversy where none exists, yet the most important and controversial controversies (such as ones involving conspiracy theories) are always swept under the rug. the media apparently thinks that various interest groups have the right to be “offended” by things they see, and that when someone is “offended”, whatever the hell that means, you have to do whatever they say and give in to their demands, or else they will have no choice but to boycott and petition and pressure you into a public apology and other sorts of nonsense. look at it this way. most people are prejudiced bigots, and there is at least one category of person they have a very mean-spirited and unjustified prejudice against. it is very rare to find someone completely devoid of any prejudice whatsoever. we are all bigots. the media is trying to brainwash people into hiding their prejudice and pretending not to be racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-other-religious-belief bigots. they are trying to turn us all into liars, who pretend not to be ourselves! we must own up to our prejudice and admit to it; we must confess any bad thoughts we have towards other groups of people. if we do not do this, then we do not communicate, and every person’s mind becomes a stranded island. most people like to think of themselves as good people, and most people believe they will go to heaven. well guess what? i do not have this kind of view of myself! i am all too aware of the delusions of moral superiority that other people suffer from. that is why i try to view myself, and every other person, as equally good and evil, half of one and half of the other. i think of that as our fundamental “dual core” nature. (sorry about that stupid cpu joke, i had to do it.) if we only allow our good side to speak and keep our evil side silent, this does not mean that we will be as good as our speech. then we would just be self-righteous hypocrites who talk the talk but do not walk the walk, and that is how most people are when it comes to righteousness. when i approach the subject of righteousness, i approach it with neutrality. i want to understand it as much as possible, but i neither support nor oppose the idea of righteousness. i am equally good and evil, and i allow both sides, indeed all sides of me, to speak and not stay bottled up inside waiting to explode as they do in so many other people. i do not distinguish between good and evil the way you distinguish between black and white. i can identify what i think of as good and what i think of as evil, but i also identify the fact that this is just my opinion and is not inherently more or less valid than the opinion of any other human being. but i have the right to express my views, just as others have the right to express theirs, and i can express mine as emphatically as i want, even though, deep inside, i view all of my opinions with humility, acknowledging that i am only a fallible human, that i am just as prone to mistakes as anyone else, and that i could very well be wrong about a number of things. yet i express my views nonetheless, because i perceive there to be a need for these views to be expressed, regardless of whether they are correct or not. i feel a sense that it is important for me to express myself, and that it is important for other people to be able to read what i have written or hear what i have said or think what i have thought. otherwise i am just an isolated island among many other interconnected minds that have built bridges to one another, bridges of communication. i cannot communicate well with others. thus it is my solemn obligation to communicate as much as possible, in order that others may point out what errors i make in my communication, so i may improve the skills, and on a more basic level because of my intense need for human interaction of a level that i never ever get, ever. other people are still a mystery to me, and sometimes i hate or fear what i do not understand, especially back when i was younger (retroactively changing the tense of the sentence from present to past with that latest grammatically incorrect modifying clause).

anyway, do you want god back? you do? oh goodie! i will ressurect your precious god for you, so that god exists again and is back alive again and everything is back the way you probably want it:

god (noun): an entity defined in such a way that he, she, or it actually exists, always has existed, and always will exist, and is also something that most people like so much and find so meaningful that they would be willing to worship it

did you notice how both of my definitions made use of self-reference? each definition referenced itself, or at least referenced another hypothetical definition. this is one order of logic higher than a standard definition. i could use an infinite order of logic but it would be absurd, since that type of infinitely recursive logic is pointless and is commonly referred to as circular logic. here is an infinitely logical definition of god:

god (noun): whatever “god” is defined as

you see? once you look up “god”, you have to look up “god” again to substitute its definition in its place. and then look it up again to substitute that in its own place. and so on. forever. as a human being, you can easily see that this is meaningless, with your nonlinear reasoning abilities (more powerful than linear reasoning but less trustworthy). a computer would go into an infinite loop in this case, and probably crash itself, if it has a limited stack space and is using recursive function calls. here is how god can crash your computer:

function god() {
return god();
}


that is the god function. it will crash your computer if you actually write that pseudocode in your favorite programming language and compile and run a program that calls the god function. in many ways, this function is symbolic, because it is its own answer, to a question that perhaps nobody is asking: what do you get as a result when you call the god function? if nobody asks that question, everything is ok. but once someone asks that, the computer has to call the god function, which has to call the god function, which has to call the god function, which has to call the god function, ...

i could go on repeating that forever but you get the point. how can you have an answer that makes no sense to a question that is irrelevant, and still have it take an infinite amount of time to get the nonsensical answer to the stupid question? that is kind of what religion is all about. people have stupid questions, and it would take an infinite amount of time to actually figure out the correct answers to them all, so instead, smart people just made up some answers so that the stupid people who kept bugging them with annoying stupid questions would finally leave them alone and stop pestering them, never imagining that the stupid people asking the stupid questions would actually write the answers down in books and teach them to smart people who were stupid enough to think the stupid people who wrote it were even smarter than them.


typical conversation 10,000 years ago between stupid person and smart person:

stupid person: why are there all those stars in the sky, in that arrangement?

smart person: i don’t know, they are just there, so get used to it.

stupid person: no, seriously, why are they there? you are the village wise man, you have to know!

smart person: really, honestly i don’t know. i think that is actually a pretty pointless question to be asking. there are much more important things to worry about than why there are stars in the sky.

stupid person: what, so you really don’t know? some wise man you are! idiot! trying to change the subject to cover up your lack of knowledge!

smart person: ok, ok, you got me. actually, i was just trying to keep the truth secret from you, because it is far too important to entrust just anyone with something as top-secret and mind-bending as why the stars are there. but to be honest, i don’t know if you are ready for the truth, since you just called me an idiot.

stupid person: no, i didn’t mean it! you are the smartest person i have ever met! please, come on and just tell me already why there are stars in the sky!

smart person: oh, let’s see... stars in the sky... ahh yes... why there are stars in the sky. well, 1,000 years ago there were not any stars in the sky. the only thing that existed was the land we are standing on, but it was not hard land. there was nothing but mud everywhere, as far as the eye could see. well, that was not quite the only thing that existed. there was also our creator, who built us, who built everything. he came from the mud himself. in fact, he was a giant mud monster. but he did not like mud. so he went about separating the mud into water and land. he could not see yet, so he separated the light from the darkness, and concentrated the brightest light in the sun, and the darkest dark in the night sky. but he left muddy drops on everything he touched, and some of the light mud that was supposed to be in the sun was splattered across the night sky, making stars. and some of the dark mud that was supposed to be in the night sky splattered onto the sun, making sunspots. next he created living creatures out of the mud, throwing birds up into the air and fish down into the sea. then he rolled up a lot of little mud balls and threw them in all directions, and these became seeds, which landed in the ground and grew into plants. there was not any mud left around him, and the only mud that remained was the mud of his body. so he used it to create people. first he made a man out of his left foot, and then he taught the man how to make a woman out of his right foot. then he told these 2 people how to continue to make people out of the mud of the rest of his body until there was nothing left, and told them that they should make pairs of one man and one woman each out of the mud, and send each couple off to a different place to live, far away from each other. they did so, and it was easy, because the mud of his body was magical and alive, and could be molded into any shape and still be alive. so once his body was gone, there were a lot of couples, which then followed his orders of spreading out across the world. each couple then gave birth to the ancestors of each of the tribes of this world. our tribe, of course, is descended from the first couple, who were the best of all of the couples. the woman was very strong and the man designed snazzy outfits out of animal furs and plant materials.

stupid person: wow, you explained a lot more things than just why there are stars in the sky! but, i thought i heard a different explanation for where people come from. the last time i asked that, didn’t you say that people were created in the future and then sent back in time to the past?

smart person: well, yes, but i forgot to mention, the giant mud monster is still alive, and he is watching you, and will punish you if you behave badly. but someday he will take himself apart and turn himself into couples, who will all go back in time to the past, and they will be our ancestors, which already happened.

stupid person: what? the future already happened? how did the couples go back in time? that doesn’t make any sense.

smart person: for us, time goes forward all the time. it is like an object falling towards the ground. but once you hit the end of time, it is like a bouncy ball that hits the ground and bounces back up. they went back in time because they hit the end, so the only way to go was backwards, and they kept going back, back through the future, then the present, then the past, until they hit the beginning of time and got stuck there. the beginning of time is like something sticky, and once you get stuck there, time stops. so they actually never got to leave the beginning of time, and they are still there. but their children got to experience time as we do. so they all had lots of children.

stupid person: wow, that’s amazing! you really tied the whole thing together! it all makes sense now! i can’t believe how smart you are! how do you know so much?

smart person: i eat brains. by the way, i am a zombie and i eat brains. did i mention i eat brains? oh, and could i please eat your brain, if you don’t mind?

stupid person: aaaah! help! [runs away in terror]

smart person: what an idiot. i am laughing out loud, perhaps even rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. wait, did i just say that crap out loud? what the hell is wrong with me? i need to learn to watch what i say or i might get friggen crucified. or, if not me, maybe someone else will be in a similar situation, say, 8,000 years from now. oh, who am i kidding, making up these wild predictions? what a joke!

years later, the stupid person would recount the whole story the smart person told them as a joke, and get some of the details wrong, and miss the whole point, but it would still get passed down for generations as the truth, and maybe even written down once writing is developed. this same scenario of smart person-stupid person interactions of this type would continue happening many other times in other tribes, each time leading to different myths becoming folklore and perhaps even the basis for a religion. just remember what jesus said when he was on the cross:

“oh god, why have you forsaken me? do you even exist? i thought i had earned your favor with my magic tricks, since i called them miracles and gave you credit. i should never have quit my day job as a carpenter. oy vey! some jew i am, telling people they don’t have to eat kosher! no wonder the rabbis had the romans put me up on this cross! i was the only one with the chutzpah to point out that they were all schmucks! now who is going to pay them to inspect the food at the deli and approve it as kosher? and what is with this judas bastard? i knew he was going to betray me! i fricken told him last night when we had supper for the last time together! i thought he might take a hint and fuck off! oh god! this is more painful than the fricken dentist! why haven’t any of my 12 apostles helped their master out and taken me the fuck down from here? i hope those bastards burn in hell! the one time i really needed them, they failed me. what a bunch of losers. i hope nobody ever follows their teachings. they’ll probably get everything wrong like they always do. the only person who ever really understood me was mary magdalene... too bad i had to pay for sex. maybe someday people who never saw me will draw pictures of me where i am not as butt-ugly as i look in real life. ha ha... an amusing thought, at this time, when i am dying. i heard that after a man dies and he goes into rigor mortis, he gets an erection. so even if i am not ressurected, i will be res-erected! ha ha! oh... that hurts... can’t breathe... laughing too hard at my own jokes... even though they aren’t funny... we jews don’t seem to be too good at comedy... at least not yet... maybe someday... i’m about to die from laughing too hard and it’s the funniest thing ever... ghahahaaaaaaaaa...”

momentarily dead, jesus was resurrected about 30 seconds later. he looked around quickly to make sure nobody had noticed what he just said before his first death, and then, when it was ok for him to die again, he made sure to die when people were watching, so there would be witnesses, and the 2nd time he got his lines right and did not screw up like before. he stayed on script and the director did not need to re-shoot the scene. later, lazarus showed up and thanked the dead jesus for resurrecting him (lazarus) earlier. lazarus asked dead jesus why he did not simply resurrect himself or make himself immortal. no response. a few days later, jesus came back from the dead, and came over to lazarus’s place for a cup of coffee, and they got to talking, and jesus said how he had an obligatory death scene, and he had to make it seem real by actually dying instead of just pretending to die. lazarus told jesus that he was really getting into this part and was a fine actor and might make the big screen someday. then the director yelled “cut” and they yanked that scene too.