what is with valentine’s day?

what is the deal with this stupid valentine’s day holiday? this is so retarded. i am trying not to use swear words here but i am quite pissed off. why should i care if other people are in happy relationships? i don’t care about them. if they are happy and i am not, i’m jealous. and if they are not really happy, then too bad, i don’t care, it’s snot my problem. i have been searching high and low for a potential mate, evaluating the situations at the various things i regularly go to such as my job, the quaker meeting, and democrat meetings. anyway, i have not found any reports that indicate that there is a single single woman that exists on the entire planet, at least not one that would be willing to date men. i do know of a few single women who are planning on staying that way, or at least that is what they have told me. i have resolved the status of almost all young women that i encounter on a regular basis. at my job, most of them have babies and are married or have boyfriends, except for 2 that are single and want to stay that way. a few do not have babies. anyway, currently there are only 3 girls that i know of that i see regularly who might be potential mates, at least in my mind. one of them, the only potential mate left at work because i have eliminated all the other possibilities by finding out about the status of all the other attractive girls, is an attractive young woman who recently joined the company whose much less attractive older sister also works there, and has done so for quite some time. this particular girl i consider a total long-shot, since she is way too hot, and she does not say anything to me unless i say something to her first, but she is very talkative, but only to her friends at work, who are all girls except for this guy who sits near her now since they moved her because she used to sit near me but i talked to her too much so they moved us apart. anyway she is very social and smokes cigarettes a lot and is on her cell phone a lot and it is kinda obvious she can have any guy she wants and i don’t know if she has a boyfriend or not but i don’t think i have any chance. that is one of the 3 with unresolved status. the 2nd is from the local democratic party youth group, a young lady who has only been to a few recent meetings, who works for the county legislature and used to intern for the united nations, pretty attractive and also into politics. earlier today i was at a meeting of that democratic club and she was too and before the meeting i was planning on asking her out but i ended up changing my mind because for some reason i got a bad feeling and felt like it was some kind of subconscious signal she might have sent via body language in some pseudo-telepathy nonsense but i just sort of felt like, ok, maybe i should just not ask her out after all and maybe that was a bad idea and i should just shut up then and not show any signs i have interest. she came to that meeting and to a thing the day before with this guy she was just friends with, and i had asked about if they were like, dating or something, and he said no, she was like a sister to him, and while all the other young ladies at some point mentioned having boyfriends or husbands or whatever (since there was a discussion on like, the economy and how well each of us was doing in our jobs and stuff like that and everyone included significant others when discussing themselves with the group) she didn’t mention anyone. and she has mentioned her “ex” a few times. so i am getting a hint, but not sure about it, that she is probably single, but not sure. i am just very cautious; i don’t want to seem too eager or too interested, because i am afraid i would scare off anyone i act that way towards. that is not an unjustified fear. i have scared girls off. like especially the time i told a girl “i’m gonna kill you” in an online chat after i asked if she would be my girlfriend and she said no and i lost my mind. that was 6 years ago but i still cannot get over how foolishly i acted then, when i was a freshman in college. i try to avoid situations that could result in bad outcomes. now of course, i am nonviolent and would never harm anyone, and only meant to scare the girl, 6 years ago, but it was a rather curious sort of thing. i had lunch with her twice a week at the cafeteria in the middle of campus and had a class 3 times a week where i sat next to her and i thought of us as friends. she later told me we had never been friends, only acquaintances, whatever the hell that means. i learned an important lesson: not to assume anyone else will return your romantic interest, and not to insist that other people act according to your wishes when they are under no obligation to do so. and threatening to kill them and threatening to commit suicide are both equally useless when the other person knows you are full of shit and totally bluffing. the weird thing is, if she had reported me to the cops and i had gotten in trouble, maybe i would have gotten some good psychological help back then when i needed it most. things ended up turning out fine, but it took a long time for me to find some semblance of sanity. so now the lesson i have learned most of all, is not to fall in love with someone i barely know, or with someone who has not already made known to me that they love me in that way. i learned not to love anyone unless they love me first. to be emotionally detached, and not prejudge what somebody else will decide in a situation. and this girl ended up dating my roommate for a while, which really made me insane for a while. so i totally try to avoid asking out girls who have boyfriends. i know some of them have psycho boyfriends who would totally go nuts and might try to kill any guy who takes their girl away from them. i can sympathize with those guys firsthand, and i could never feel right about taking away a girl who rightfully belongs to another guy because he had dibs first. ok so anyway the third girl is a freshman in college who needed someone to drive her to the local quaker meeting since she is a quaker and went to the one in her hometown all the time so i drove her there once and supposedly she wants to have me drive her there again but there was miscommunication this week and i was waiting to pick her up to drive her there but she never showed up since apparently she doesn’t want to go every week or something, how should i know, i’m not a fricken psychic. i keep thinking she is like, too young for me, cuz i was a freshman in college 6 years ago, but, i dunno, i see guys twice my age dating girls younger than me, like the fricken mayor of the city i have a job in, so who really cares about that shit anyway, if middle-aged guys can date girls younger than me? i mean i don’t really know how precisely it would be morally or ethically wrong for me to date someone of that age, and i try to strive for the highest moral and ethical standards as much as possible, as i always have, which is difficult for someone who has as much evil in them as me. and why do i have evil in me? it is because evil is a communicable disease and i caught it from other people who were mean to me when i was younger, and it infected my soul, and the infection got worse and worse throughout high school. i have been trying to gradually purify my soul with righteousness, but i still feel such a detachment from other people emotionally. it is hard, when i have a job where all i see is paperwork concerning people injured or killed on the job, and most interactions with other people do not go the way i want, at least in the ones with the opposite sex where i am trying to increase the level of relationship and it is spectacularly unsuccessful. i mean, having asperger’s syndrome puts me at a profound disadvantage for empathizing with other people and being able to communicate with them. and i am a perfectionist so i find the repeated failures worse than intolerable, and i have found it is much easier and more rewarding to give up completely than to keep trying at something that never seems to succeed. the difficult part is to start trying again, when your outlook is so overwhelmingly negative, it seems like the whole world is against you or out to get you, or at least it did back in my younger days of high school when i was quite paranoid, but nowadays, it is more a sense of apathy about my own life, a sense that even if i do get what i want, what is the point? it is pointless. why even bother? it seems the part of me trying to prevent any progress is willing to use any sort of intellectual argument or emotional blackmail inside my brain to prevent me from taking any action that would succeed in progress on anything important in my personal life. at some level, i still think of myself as that evil bastard who once threatened that girl with the prospect of murder, and i think i am undeserving of ever having anything good happen to me, but the only person left to punish me for that anymore is me, since everyone else has long since moved on to other matters. and that is just one of many evil things i have said, done, or even just thought about, throughout my life, a life of evil. i mean, ok, maybe there has not really been that much evil, but why do i still feel like such an evil person, and feel so guilty and like i have wronged so many people? sometimes i think, i was voted most likely to succeed back in high school when i was valedictorian, and maybe, if i had played my cards right back then, i could have gotten a girlfriend or gotten laid or something. but since i was such a neurotic paranoid socially isolated antisocial shy loner, i found that more impossible than going faster than the speed of light. but now i think, wouldn’t something like that have also benefited the girl in question, the other party in question in a mutually agreed upon relationship or set of actions? if it is mutually agreed upon, and i certainly see that it would have benefited me greatly and perhaps the girl as well, then i see now way it could harm either of us, it would only cause benefit to both. so what am i guilty of? opportunity cost! opportunity cost is the term from economics. when you fail to do something, that is just as bad as not doing it, or as actively preventing it from happening if it would be a sure thing otherwise, or undoing it if it already happened. so like, all the times i did not give such and such amount to charity, or spent such and such amount of time helping people out, i was actually doing the exact opposite, and harming everyone else. the absence of help is not neutral; it is harm. when i was a kid and i got picked on and nobody came to my aid or defended or befriended me, most people were neither innocent nor guilty, they just sat by idly and watched what happened and did nothing. to which i say, all who act in such a manner are guilty. this is why all of humanity was once my sworn enemy. because i had observed on many occasions how the rest of the public school i went to either actively mistreated me or observed it and did nothing to help me, and in either case, i had little use for any justifications that i might imagine people making if i actually had the guts to question them on how they treated me. no, i had seen the true, evil nature of humanity, how people have evil in them, and some of them act on it and do evil things to others, while others just witness it and fail to do anything to prevent it or stop it or report on it or help the victims, instead just, through their inaction, offering tacit approval for the evil taking place. so i had reasoned that, since public school represents pretty much everyone from all walks of life, or at least a wide variety of people, and i had seen such a widespread evil among my fellow students, that they represented humanity as a whole, that our entire species was so astonishingly evil as to be practically worse than satan, despite satan being just a contrived non-existent being just like god. and since god and satan were obvious fakes, humanity was pretty clearly the most evil thing ever, at least as far as the history of planet earth is concerned. and so i decided, out of hatred for my fellow students, and out of feeling inferior to all of them and like they were all better than me and i was just a loser that nobody liked, i decided, at the height of my hatred at the world and my complete paranoia about everyone, that i was going to dedicate my life to revenge. and my revenge was going to be pretty simple: i would go to a really good college, do really well, get a really good job, rise up through the ranks, become a billionaire or super-wealthy or maybe even wealthiest person in the world, and then maybe hire the mafia to kill everyone else who went to my high school. or maybe i would even make myself world dictator someday and officially order them all executed. after a while this paranoia and hatred of everyone else and delusions of grandeur started to fade away, but i was still having plenty of paranoia and hatred and delusions of grandeur well into my sophomore year of college, and losing almost all the friends i had made there. only gradually did i come to realize that i could have a more positive view of other people and of myself and of my own life and that i might be able to eventually develop social skills and that maybe i was not going to be ridiculously successful like i had always thought. it was kind of strange, all the contradictory yet strongly-held beliefs i had all that time. only after i graduated cornell did i finally start to realize how little a cornell education meant, how worthless i really am, and how all my delusions of grandeur or of being someone who was going to be really successful were all bullshit. other people had often been complicit in telling me i was going to be really successful someday since i was so smart or whatever. eventually i realized that this was all lies, or at best uninformed hype. i eventually realized i was an inferior, inherently worthless individual. i had actually believed that all along, but i had also believed the exact opposite at the same time, at least with respect to my intelligence and some of my talents. but as i realized how deeply flawed i was and looked back at my life of evil, my hatred for everyone else transferred onto myself. i was the one who was really to blame for all of my problems, problems i had blamed on others. it was not other people who went to school with me who were deserving of being hated and despised, it was me. of course i had always hated and despised myself. but getting rejected again and again, not by girls anymore since i had thrown in the towel and given up since my fragile emotions were a complete train wreck from the rejection, i was rejected time and time again not by girls but by potential employers that i applied to. actually the number of times i have made actual romantic overtures or things of that nature towards girls is very very small. the first time it ever happened was in my freshman year of college in the second semester, and i have gone long periods without ever doing any romantic overtures at all towards anyone, without asking anyone out or complimenting anyone, and the few times i did were few and far between, and i always did a half-assed job and if i had actually looked at it from the girl’s point of view i would probably have rejected me too, since i always went about things all wrong and phrased things in a bad way and didn’t sound good and i was just a real weirdo about the whole process, and technically there were a few times i was not actually rejected but actually had the opposite response, but this number is quite small, even smaller than the number of times i asked girls out, well obviously, but to tell the truth, my success rate is actually not that bad, since i can count at least 5 times i had the positive response off the top of my head, 4 of which led to something and 1 where i changed my mind after her dirty whorish response totally grossed me out because i realized she had been with like a million guys and probably had aids, syphilis, ghonorrea, human papilloma virus, hepatitis c, crabs, herpes, and every other sexually transmitted disease in existence plus i thought she was too young and it was just wrong, not a little wrong, but like, more wrong than summoning satan from hell and asking him to torture all of the people on earth just as bad as in hell and make earth a part of hell. anyway, 2 of those positive responses are actually not really ones where the girl considered it a date, definitely for one, i think probably for the other, so maybe those were just doing things with “friends”, if i can even be said to have a friendship with a female (something which seems absolutely ludicrous at the present when i have no female friends and have never had any except during freshman year at college, for just that 1 year). and the other 2 positive responses actually led to sexual stuff and they were both with the same girl, the only one i ever did anything sexual with. so those are the 5 positive responses i remember. but actually it is 8 since one of the 2 that i am counting of ones where i was just doing stuff with a friend, i was actually doing stuff with this mexican girl when i was in mexico for a month, and i went on i think about 3 “dates” with her, not the romantic kind, more like 2 friends hanging out, kind of a disappointment for me in that respect because i would have preferred more than that. eh, whatever. so, 8. but i am trying to only count times i asked the question to someone for the first time. ok, so 4. yeah, ok, 4. dammit. and there were other ones, like one who said yes but later changed her mind, and one who was indecisive and was like maybe but seemed to be leaning toward yes but later changed her mind once i said things that inexplicably alienated her because of my lack of understanding of other people or how they interpret the words i say or write in an email or whatever. dammit. ok so i can’t count. i think i had sex once, 1 time. i think. i don’t actually know what sex is, like what precisely is defined as sex, what counts. i am 99% sure what i did counts as sex, since my penis was in her vagina with a condom in between. but, it did not work correctly and i was a failure, so in that respect i did not have sex. because real sex is sexsexful, i mean successful, and does not end in failure. i think it was my stupid anxiety problems. during a panic attack hardly any blood goes to the extremities such as hands and feet, and i think perhaps the penis might be included. so even a light panic might disable the penis from functioning correctly, even if it works perfectly when the only partners are a hand and an image to look at. all of the medications i take on the warning labels have negative sexual side effects, too. i am not drugged up as much as anna nicole smith but my 3 prescription psychological drugs all have the same sorts of effects, or at least one of them does, the clonazepam. clonazepam is a sedative, a tranquilizer, a benzodiazepine, extremely effective against anxiety, with the unfortunate side effects of slowing you down, making you sleepy, sexual side effects, etc. it is like alcohol. other drugs in the same category that are pretty much the same include valium and xanax. anna nicole smith was on valium and xanax and got very very very drunk. and died. very predictable response of the human body to those inputs. same thing would happen to anyone who had those same quantities of valium, xanax, and alcohol. except she had developed a high tolerance for all 3 of those substances so they had less effect on her so she had to have more of each to get anything out of it but that makes it more toxic. i go light on everything i take, and am very conservative about how much medication i take, just like i am very conservative about how many times i ask girls out or how often i leave the house to go do things other than what i am required to do. life has become an intolerable messy situation that i refuse to get out of because although i know better, i resent having to change my behavior in any way, and strongly oppose and resist any attempts by anyone else to influence me to improve how i live my life or how i behave. i hate being under the control of others or allowing them to have any control whatsoever over me. hardly anything pisses me off more. anyway, i have long ago recognized the hypocrisy that although i realized the malignant effects of neglecting to correct a problem where someone is mistreated, and how inaction of the masses has a malicious effect even if the intent is not malicious, i was not condemning myself for my inaction on the suffering or mistreatment of others. that is why i had to condemn all humanity including myself, because i saw in myself the same flaws that made other people not help me out when i was being bullied and picked on constantly for all those years. i was just as evil as everyone else. but my evil is perhaps the greatest, at least in my own mind, because i have the greatest understanding and knowledge and recognition about how much evil there is and how pervasive it is, but i do pretty much nothing to solve it, and rather than using my victimhood for good ends, i wanted revenge, and my heart still bears a grudge of malice against many who have either wronged me in the past or done nothing to stop others who did so. i could never believe in god for so many reasons, but especially because i saw other people as too evil for him to even contemplate saving, and myself as a noble-hearted innocent victim who deserved to be the only person let into heaven, while all other humans deserved hell. i did realize the folly of my judgement after high school, and have realized how human nature is really a total mixed bag of equal parts good and equal, the same amounts given to everyone, and we all use it as we choose. i still think anyone who denies their essential evilness is either a liar or (much more likely) ignorant about their true nature and in denial. it takes a great deal of introspection to own up to the bad stuff that you try to hide from yourself. in a way, i am the worst person of all, because of my arrogance, at least the arrogance i once had in the past, which i do believe is gone now. to think, i was the only good person, and everyone else was evil... why do i even bother posting something all of you can read? it is because i have come to realize there is just as much good in everyone as there is evil, and if you speak to the good, it will respond, just as if you speak to the evil, it will respond. by speaking to the good in each other, we can perhaps temporarily disable the evil in at least some people. and as for those who think i am foolhardy to believe in good and evil if i am atheist, you know what, everyone has to believe in something, or else they would have nothing to think about except things they considered fictional and thus irrelevant. good and evil are essential concepts for human beings to have and believe in, for society to function, so my belief in them is predicated not on their actual existence but on the necessity that i believe in them if i am to be a functional part of human society. anyway, i find it quite irritating to be reminded of all the happy couples out there, and i think of not just myself but other unhappy singles, and perhaps some couples where one person is abusive towards the other or they are miserable but won’t admit it and where the holiday is a bitter irony even for many of those in relationships. i think perhaps only a small fraction of people are in happy relationships. well maybe not that small of a fraction, but still less than half of humanity. 49%, maybe. whatever. it is a bitter holiday, not just for me, but for many others. for me, love is a joke, one with no punchline, where you are left hanging, waiting for the answer, and then the person telling the joke walks away without finishing, and you are left all alone, and it starts snowing, and it is cold, and you feel empty inside, and realize how evil and twisted you are and how you do not deserve anything good this world has to offer, and that everyone else is the same but in denial... you wonder why we humans do not have sharp fangs or claws or horns on our heads, why our bodies are not designed to kill other animals. nature did not want to make it too easy for us, because even if we have soft, smooth-shaped bodies without spiky sharp pointy things sticking out to impale or scratch or tear open the flesh of others, we can still use our wits to devise amazingly powerful methods to destroy others. at least we are not as evil as cats. how could anything be as evil as a cat? they are vicious killing machines that look nice and pretty but all they ever think about is murder. they kill every bird, squirrel, mouse, rabbit, or other small creature they come across, and they even attack us people pretty viciously. especially me. cats attack me. that is why i avoid them now, because they only attacked me after i petted them or tried to pet them. i hope girls are not as vicious as cats. i think they are probably even more vicious, just not physically. of course girls are nice too... sometimes. just not at the times you would like for them to be nice to you. only if you have nothing to ask of them. i am just very defensive, because everyone else is so offensive. i do think girls are much better than guys though; we are definitely more evil and vicious than girls could ever be. men are responsible for all of the wars in the world, not women. we ought to let people with breasts and vaginas make important decisions of war and peace, instead of the people with penises who have proven themselves as a gender to be unfit for public office. still, i think women have it easier than men in life, generally speaking. there are just so many ways this is true... they always have the upper hand. nobody has ever been able to determine why that is, why no matter how sexist and male-dominated a society is, the women end up secretly controlling all of the men behind closed doors. i think president bush probably takes orders from his wife laura. it is all a conspiracy. ha ha. i make funny. i guess in a relationship 2 people just agree to settle for each others’ imperfections and never try to find a better mate ever again. what a sad and pathetic state of affairs. imperfections are for losers. everybody who is anybody is completely perfect in every way. duh. still, i think anyone stupid enough to settle for my imperfections is an idiot and a loser. so, that is exactly the kind of girl i am looking for. i don’t want one smart enough to realize it is a bad idea to waste her precious time on me. too bad most of them are at least that smart.