a nice day

well i went to a picnic at otsiningo park with the international students from broome community college. very nice! it was a good time. i am starting to think, maybe my asperger’s syndrome is gradually going away. i started re-reading the book i have all about asperger’s, and while i totally fit the profile of someone with it like a glove as a child and a teenager, my social development since i graduated high school, went to college, and graduated it, well it has been nothing short of remarkable, compared to other people who have my syndrome. i mean sure, i am not the world’s biggest people person, and i do not have many friends, and still get nervous in certain social situations. but you know what? nowadays, i have found that being late to my job is actually a lot more stressful than talking to a young lady. it seems i have lost all my fear of young ladies, and now realize how harmless they all are. and i think my lack of social skills was really a lack of confidence, a belief that i had no social skills that was brainwashed into me from a young age. i actually do know what to do in social situations, and i always did know, it was just that i was too fearful to act accordingly. well maybe i did not always know. i think perhaps it is more of a recent development. i think maybe this has to do with the lonelygirl15 phenomenon on youtube. you see, if there is a lonelygirl15, there are at least 14 other lonely girls that also exist. but, apparently lonelygirl15 was actually a hoax, all along. i should have known! what kind of girl would be lonely anyway? not the kind who is 15 and on youtube! all she would have to do is join myspace and she could have hundreds of child molesters, fresh out of prison, ready to be her best friends! anyway, the lord spake unto me. not the lord you are thinking of. no, i am talking about the lord of the manor i live in. you see, i live in medieval europe, and i am a serf. ok, ok, i made all that crap up. but serf is a funny word, right? like do serfs ever go surfing? english is such a retarded language. oh and today at the picnic i got into a minor argument with someone from, i think, the dominican republic, who was saying that spanish has more words in it than english. i was like, no, you just don’t know all the words in english, but there are lots of them. but, it was hard for me to make my case persuasively, because the person i was arguing with didn’t know english, so we were arguing in spanish. kind of a funny story eh? yeah, now i ask questions that end with eh because i decided to be canadian for a change eh? oh and i finished up fixing another computer, after the picnic. basically just installed firefox, upgraded ms office, and installed a good antivirus (symantec antivirus corporate edition, which is decent). oh and i had to reinstall browser plugins like flash and shockwave and java and quicktime alternative and real alternative, plus i copied windows media plugin files into firefox and opera plugin directories. it’s an old windows 98 computer. i did upgrade it to 2nd edition, and then installed the unofficial service pack 2.1a, among other enhancements. well to be honest i did dozens and dozens of enhancements, i can’t really help myself. it has tweak ui, the latest directx, windows installer 2.0, and of course lots of codecs. i am just insane, what can i say? now since it is someone else’s computer, i didn’t install any beta or unstable software, of course. i reserve that type of stuff for my own computer and my parents’ computer. but the windows registry was deleted when i reinstalled windows, and the new registry forgot everything, so all the programs had to be reinstalled. i actually reinstalled windows and most of the programs like 2 weeks ago, and i was just finishing the job today. i did not actually have time to complete it tonight. the office update website is too slow. 60-something megabytes of huge-ass downloads for upgrading office xp for better security and such. and after it downloads them, it takes forever to install. after 1 hour or so, i decided it was time for me to leave. the progress bar was still moving and the hard disk sounded like it was actively involved in installing the updates, but it had been like that for an hour. why does it take 10 times as long to install updates to office xp as it does to install office xp on a computer that does not even have office at all? i just did not have the time to wait around for that slow-ass computer to get all that shit done. it is hard to upgrade stuff on old, slow computers, because it takes forever to do anything on them. but i did have a nice day. you know, i like the ladies a lot. it is funny about them. why is it that ladies tend to be such nice people? i don’t get it. they look pretty, their behavior is very nice, and very sexy and i want one as a girlfriend. so why am i or was i afraid to talk or whatever? maybe i am stupid in the brain, because my head fell out the other side of my ass that it was so far up inside because of the mind disease? my apologies. i am trying to do the humor, to have the bad grammar and say stupid things, for to be funny, as you surely realize all grammatical errors in this blog are intentional and for comedic purposes, as are many things that i say. anyway, i am wondering, why is it that girls are so awesome and great and i love them all so much? what kind of non-existent god would make that happen, all whilst denying his own existence? as i say to my friend boris, “99% of the public are complete and utter morons. you and me, we’re part of the elite 1% of people who have some form of primitive intelligence that only occasionally surfaces, and who are basically morons the rest of the time.” of course, j.r. “bob” dobbs puts it even more eloquently in this quote: “You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half of ’em are even dumber than THAT.” anyway, suffice it to say that, i, despite my genius, continue to be outwitted by a cat. or rather, i continue to be sucked into thinking that the cat won’t scratch my skin open because it looks cute and cuddly, and then when i go near the cat in question... well... the cat doesn’t like me but it is hard for the cat to get me to leave it alone. that cat belongs to the family whose house i was at, fixing a computer, or rather, upgrading its software. i am going to buy a dog soon. well. today i got the phone number of 2 girls who are roommates, and hopefully i will get phone numbers of some more girls in the future. and this time i got it legitimately, by asking them, instead of by looking at some place where they wrote it down for someone else or whatever. you see, i cannot bring myself to contact someone if i obtained any of their contact information in a way that is anything remotely unethical. i generally just contact people who gave me their contact information. like, if i happen to find out what a pretty girl’s phone number is, but not from her telling it to me directly, it is not something i can use, so i won’t. i just try to act as ethically as possible in romantic matters, because then at least one aspect of my life will be ethical. i am actually ethically disabled, because of my addiction to evil. i just enjoy being bad and doing things i know are wrong. as long as nobody gets hurt and it is just good clean fun. but despite my enjoyment of evil, i try and keep my evilness to a minimum, because i feel quite guilty about it. like i still have a rather childish attitude towards rules and laws, and i really feel i need to outgrow it, but i am having trouble changing my way of thinking. i still feel like rules are meant to be broken, and it is more fun to violate the law than to obey it. and on some level, i admire criminals more than i admire law-abiding citizens who play by the rules. i mean, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to the entire socioeconomic/political system and violate all its rules, knowing that there are very bad consequences if you get caught. why are criminals always portrayed as the bad guys, and police as the good guys? if we had no laws it would be chaos and it would be horrible and the law of the jungle, and life would be nasty, brutish, and short, of course. so we need to have laws and enforce them. but i dunno. i do not really have 100% negative feelings towards criminals like i am supposed to have, as a law-abiding citizen. and to be honest, i am not so sure i am always 100% law-abiding either, but i don’t know anyone who is. for crying out loud, driving faster than the speed limit is illegal. so on that basis alone, i probably commit crime every day. and did you know assault is not actually hitting someone, assault is just a threat, and battery is the actual attacking? and who hasn’t committed assault on numerous occasions, by threatening violence against other people? why, assault is a vital tool in parenting, in raising a child! oh well. another silly crime like assault or speeding, something we do all the time, is conspiracy. conspiracy is just whenever 2 or more people get together and agree to do something that is either illegal, or that they think might be illegal (it can actually be something illegal). so if i, a 24-year-old, had premarital sex with a woman who is above the age of consent, but we both were misinformed and thought premarital sex was illegal, then we would be violating the law against conspiracy, because we had conspired to do something we thought was illegal. it is really quite a ridiculous law. in fact, we would not even have to have sex, we would just have to agree to have sex, premeditated, with the belief that it is illegal. so, what does this mean? if you think something is illegal, it is. by definition. in practice they just use conspiracy against white collar crime and mob bosses, luckily. but if they actually enforced all the laws on the books, you and i and everyone else would be in jail for all sorts of ridiculous things we do every day without thinking. still, it was a nice day today. my shoes did get kind of muddy. i am pretty sleepy now. i suppose this is a time i ought to already have been asleep for quite awhile. i would rehash some tired old excuse here but my mind is too foggy to think of anything coherent. but a pretty girl told me today that i am pretty good looking for someone who is 24, and she is like, 21 i think. i did not manage to get her phone number, but she was well endowed, if you understand my reference to what assets a fictional deity may have endowed unto her bosom, or whatever i am talking about, because i forgot. anyway, i like females so much, i was thinking of becoming one. or maybe that would be dumb, because i am a male, and that might ruin my chances of scoring with the females. but i just like them sooooooooo much, i just think it would kick so much ass to actually be a woman, instead of just fantasize about them all the time. maybe i am just crazy or something, but i think women are superior to men. and this in no way contradicts what i said earlier about 99% of people being complete morons. i am just saying, superior means higher and inferior means lower, and the height at which tits are on the female body is higher than where the dick is on the male body, so since the part of females that sticks out is superior to the part of males that sticks out, you can simply state as a fact that women are superior to men. wow. i sure say some crazy things. i guess that just proves how totally awesome i am. heil bush!

the bush administration is a criminal conspiracy

do you know what “criminal conspiracy” means, in a legal sense? according to findlaw.com:

A criminal conspiracy exists when two or more people agree to commit almost any unlawful act, then take some action toward its completion. The action taken need not itself be a crime, but it must indicate that those involved in the conspiracy knew of the plan and intended to break the law. One person may be charged with and convicted of both conspiracy and the underlying crime based on the same circumstances.

For example, Andy, Dan, and Alice plan a bank robbery. They 1) visit the bank first to assess security, 2) pool their money and buy a gun together, and 3) write a demand letter. All three can be charged with conspiracy to commit robbery, regardless of whether the robbery itself is actually attempted or completed.

interesting, eh? so, when bush and his friends decided to violate the geneva conventions and use torture and detain people indefinitely without trial and without treating them in accordance with the rules that international law requires for prisoners of war, and when bush and his friends decided to violate the bill of rights and the fisa law and do wiretaps without warrants or any court approval, in both of those cases, the bush administration was, according to how the law is defined, a criminal conspiracy. so, from now on, instead of calling it an “administration”, let’s just call it “the bush criminal conspiracy”. other people sometimes like to call it “the bush crime family”, but i think that is demeaning towards the president’s father, and also excludes all of the criminals in the bush administration of today. just remember, if you are an executive branch federal government employee, you are serving as a low-level operative of the world’s largest criminal conspiracy. and if you pay taxes, you are actually paying protection money to the people that you need to be protected against. the greatest threat to our nation does not come from terrorists or from anyone outside our borders; it comes from within. we need to defend america against itself, because the only enemy powerful enough and devious enough to defeat the united states of america is the united states of america. as the world’s only superpower, we cannot take any chances when we decide who should be in charge of all that super power. and yet, every election is a chance, a gamble. someday, our luck will run out. at least we can be thankful that bush has failed so catastrophically as president. he would have been much more dangerous to our nation if he had actually succeeded in enacting all of his agenda. he is probably not much of a threat any longer, because of his low poll numbers. but future presidents could be like him, in the ways in which he is bad, except much, much worse. there is no foolproof mechanism to prevent a psychotic genocidal sociopath from becoming president, and it will probably happen someday, just like adolf hitler got elected in germany. george w. bush turned out not to be another hitler, but someday we will almost certainly have our hitler, except one even worse than hitler, because of the tremendous devastation that could be caused by a renegade madman who is president of the united states. let us try and prevent that from happening, at least in our lifetimes.

oh great

well, my personal life has not been going too great recently. i really want a pet dog but i have to wait a week, since my parents (whom i live with) won’t let me have one until after my next paycheck. laaaaaame! i want at least someone who can show me unconditional love and never criticise me about anything. i guess only dogs can do that, huh? i just don’t feel the love from anyone else, i feel like only a dog can treat me the way i want to be treated. i mean, i still need to have relationships with other people, of course, but there is just something missing there that i don’t get, that i can only get from a dog. i also want a girlfriend pretty bad too, but i kinda realize that since a girlfriend is a person, they are probably going to be subject to some of the same problems that afflict other humans. whereas, a dog just has dog problems, which are all simple and easy for me to fix. just need to give the dog food and water, and take it on walks, and play with it. those are pretty much the only 4 problems dogs ever have, most of the time. hunger, thirst, need to excrete, and loneliness. if only people were that simple! of course a girlfriend can probably take care of her own basic needs like hunger, thirst, and excretion, but might just need some help with loneliness. so maybe, if someone is an independent adult, it is less work to care for them, than caring for a dumb animal that can’t do anything for itself. i don’t really know, since i never had a girlfriend. but i have had a dog in the past, and there, i feel more of a sense of loss, more of a need for a replacement. when it comes to a girlfriend, i really don’t quite know what i am missing, and the whole thought about getting a girlfriend just kind of depresses me and makes me feel inferior, because i have such a hard time with it, compared to other guys. i just feel like there is something horribly wrong with me that urgently needs to be fixed but probably never will, and i think only a dog would know how to look past that. a dog would not reject me because of my lack of social skills. and a dog would not play any mind games, or put on a false front, and pretend to show affection when it doesn’t feel any. you can actually trust a dog, unlike most people, who are not really trustworthy unless you know them quite well. dogs actually accept me as an authority figure, whereas most people act towards me as if they are the authority figures and i am the one that must submit and folow their commands. i have a real problem with authority figures, because throughout my life, i think most of my social interaction has actually been with authority figures, where they have tried to dominate every aspect of my life. i haven’t had as much interaction with those who do not seek to impose their will on me regardless of what i think. mostly it is parents, teachers, bosses at work... and when i did interact with other kids at school, back before i went off to college, they were always making fun of me and treating me like dirt. and i actually preferred the way authority figures treated me to the way my peers treated me, because the authority figures at least said something nice once in a while, and weren’t 100% mean to me. i suppose my peers were not 100% mean either, but my mind has always been strongly pessimist and had a way of distorting things. i never really had any friends in high school or junior high. i did have a few friends in elementary school, though, to be honest. and in college i made some friends. i still have some friends now. but, during the 6 years of junior high and high school, i had absolutely no friends whatsoever. and the hatred and bitterness and jealousy and fear of any sort of social interactions and feelings for a need for revenge on everyone else, none of those feelings have ever gone away completely. although i never really expressed it externally, those 6 years in high school turned me into an evil monster inside, a hateful, evil, vengeful person who could have potentially become a serious threat to society. luckily, it turned out that in my behavior, i am still quite a nice person on the outside, and my internal evilness has gradually faded away over the years since then. but sometimes i still feel the hot flame of evil burning inside me, whenever i feel any jealousy or hatred or anything like that. sometimes i get into heated arguments and at those times i am positively filled with evil, and it consumes every ounce of my being with its venom and bile, with its sadistic need to make other people miserable. i have tried hard to purge this evil from myself, and become entirely righteous and good, but i cannot destroy a part of myself. i still have a great many unresolved issues and have a very hard time relating to other people or developing positive relationships with other people my age. internally, i still assume every new person i meet is hostile, until proven otherwise, and while i try to behave like a nice and friendly person, sometimes other people do not return the favor. usually those people who are hostile tend to act that way towards everyone they meet, and i do not see the logic in this. what are they trying to do, make a lot of enemies? that is retarded. i want to make friends, not enemies. i cannot stand even having one person be hostile with me, it positively drives me up the wall. so i have to avoid controversial topics when i talk to other people, unless i know they already agree with me. so then i have to have this stupid blog to express what i really think, anonymously, because i just feel unable to really express myself to other people when i talk to them in person. i feel so confined by the norms and conventions of society, but i am not about to become some type of person who behaves strangely on purpose. no, i try to avoid all sorts of strange behavior, to avoid anything that would make people think badly of me. and there is all this internal pressure i put on myself about that, because i really do not feel like acting in such a way. but at least i have this blog, where i can express what is unacceptable to express in public.

so anyway, president bush, our miss leader, who was tragically born without a brain, gave a speech yesterday, on september 11. and it was all about trying to connect the war in iraq with 9/11, and to get the public to think that winning in iraq is essential to winning the war on terror. now, this type of blatantly dishonest tripe really drives me up the wall. this idiot has no clue what the hell is going on in iraq, or how big a mess it is, nor does he understand how the vast majority of iraqis want us the fuck out of their country, or that the reason for the insurgency and the terrorist attacks in iraq is our military presence. i mean god dammit, who the hell wants foreign troops occupying their country and killing people they know, and taking prisoners off to secret prisons off in other countries? look, if the chinese invaded the united states and defeated us, and occupied our country, and set up secret prisons around the world, and shipped off anyone who resisted to their troop presence into those secret prisons, don’t you think every red-blooded american patriot would join together and resist the foreign occupation? so what the hell does bush think is going on in iraq? isn’t that the same thing? i mean, yes, iraq did have democratic elections, to put in place the shiite fundamentalists who are allied with iran and hezbollah. is that really the kind of government we want there? no. but that is who the iraqis elected, and it is none of our business whom other countries elect as their leaders or miss leaders. so i think we ought to get the fuck out, and give the iraqi government enough military aid for them to destroy whatever remnants of the insurgency continue to resist after our withdrawal. and then we should hope the iraqis continue to be our allies, instead of becoming our sworn enemies, like their other allies, iran and hezbollah. i mean, al qaeda, who attacked us on 9/11, is a sunni organization, so if we leave iraq in the hands of shiites and give them enough weaponry, well, the enemy of our enemy is our friend. so, since sunnis and shiites are enemies, the iraqi government, as shiite fundamentalists, would fight the sunni terrorist group al qaeda, probably better than we ever could. and there is no way the sunnis could overthrow the shiite government of iraq, because shiites are the majority and they are in power now, and they have the control of the iraqi military and security apparatus. now there is a danger of iraq becoming split up like yugoslavia, and then the sunni areas like al anbar province may become havens for al qaeda and other sunni terrorist groups. so, we should withdraw our troops from the hostile parts of iraq, into friendlier parts like the kurdish north, and then wait and see what happens. then, if any threat actually does materialize over time, and the shiites prove incapable of defeating it, we will lend our assistance by invading the sunni areas, brutally wiping out the sunni resistance fighters, and then withdrawing back to friendly areas of iraq, as quickly as we came. then the shiites who control the iraqi government can go in and clean up the mess. in the end, hopefully, the iraqi government will be able to control the whole country, without our help, and then we can withdraw all our troops. but bush’s rhetoric linking 9/11 with iraq is plainly hollow and full of lies. saddam hussein may have been a sunni like al qaeda, but he was a secular sunni, and al qaeda are sunni fundamentalists who hate secular sunnis just as much as they hate shiites and all non-muslims. or at least, abu musab al-zarqawi hated secular sunnis, as well as all shiites and non-muslims. i do not know if the others in al qaeda share those views. but, we ought to take advantage of these divisions among muslims, in order to unite as many muslims as possible in the fight against the al qaeda terrorist organization. then, once al qaeda is defeated, the united victors will snap their fingers and worldwide peace and prosperity will somehow magically become a reality. no? not realistic? oh well... it is bush who got us into this mess. this is all his fault. without him, none of this would have happened. so he should shut up and stop acting like he knows better than everyone else. i have had enough of his crap, and it is about time we had a democratic congress to put him in his place.

what a crazy article!

i came across the craziest article on salon.com today. i swear to god, that article sounds like something out of a fricken parallel universe or something, because it sure as hell doesn’t make any damn sense as describing reality in this universe. cripes... i mean, look, it talks about how there are intelligent, attractive women in their late 20’s and in their 30’s who are still virgins... involuntarily! this totally goes against everything i thought about men and women! involuntarily?!? this does not make any sense whatsoever! i read about the behavior of the men that interacted with these unfortunate women, and these men sound so freaking bizarre, it is ridiculous! what the hell kind of fucked up man would refuse to have sex with a woman just because she is a virgin?!? i swear to fricken god, the men that these women were unfortunate enough to have their romantic attempts with... those men are complete assholes, and insane, and probably closet homosexuals to boot. what the hell kind of gay-ass man would turn down sex with an attractive virgin because of her virginity? i do not for one second dispute the truth of that article, but i just want to put that shit into perspective: i am a 24-year-old man who has only had sex once, which was last year at age 23, and that whole sexual experience was a pathetic fiasco organized in order to finally put an end to the huge embarrasment and dishonor of still being a virgin at age 23. now don’t go thinking that she was a prostitute or something. but a sexual encounter organized in advance with someone you do not know well and are not attracted to... it is simply not the type of thing that is likely to work out well. now supposedly, if someone is still a virgin in their late 20s or in their 30s or 40s or later, people tend to assume there is something wrong with that person. hell fuckin’ no! there is something wrong with SOCIETY! we live in a fucked up society, and it pisses me off so much. what the hell kind of dumbass would refuse to have sex with someone of the opposite sex, just because the other person is a virgin? i swear, we need to send these people who hate virgins off to re-education camps in fricken siberia. what the hell ever happened to compassion or empathy or caring about other people or looking at things from their point of view, or actually acting in such a way that is compliant with other people’s wishes?!? if someone wants sex, and they are the correct gender that you are attracted to, and you are single, and you find them attractive, and they are still a virgin, then god dammit, you ought to give into their wishes, unless you have a damn good reason not to. why the fuck do people turn each other down so much? that shit is fucked up! now look, i realize you might not want to be with someone who has fricken aids or some other disease, or with someone who is crazier than ted kazynski, or who is fat or unattractive. great! so stay the fuck away from people like that, and if they ask you out, turn them down! but if someone is attractive and smart and single, and happens to be a virgin, then say yes, you fucking idiot! what the hell kind of moron only wants to have sex with other people who have had lots of sex before? someone who wants to have aids and chlamidia and herpes and ghonnorea and all those other fucking diseases! guess what idiots?!? virgins don’t have stds!!! so quit acting like a bunch of morons, and stop going around only fucking other people who have a history of being sexually active, and find some virgins instead! unless you already have an std or two. in that case, please, never have sex with anyone ever again. or if you really have to, please make sure that they already have all the same diseases as you. because if you have sex with someone who doesn’t have all of your goddamn diseases, you are a fucking murderer, and you deserve to go rot in jail, motherfucker. like guess what? paris hilton has fricken herpes! if you don’t have herpes, stay the fuck away from that slut, because she will infect you with an incurable disease, you idiot! besides, she is practically flat chested, and is dumber than rocks! oh and what if someone who is a virgin is flat chested or stupid? well, that by itself is not enough reason not to do it with them. please, people, have some compassion, for those of us who are less fortunate. everyone needs some lovin’. except for asexual people. but asexual people are pretty rare. nobody cares about them anyway. if someone is asexual, and does not have any sexual attraction towards anyone else, than it is up to them whether to stay a virgin or get married and have kids. and of course i think everyone ought to be able to make their own decisions in all circumstances and never have anything forced on them by anyone else. but i am pissed as hell about what these awful men have done to these unfortunate ladies who are still virgins, how those men refused to have coitus with them, refused them the bliss of sexual intercourse. they had no excuse. both people were attracted to each other, and neither of them had any crazy-ass diseases that could spread via that sort of activity. and neither of them was in a committed relationship with anyone else. there was simply no excuse, other than sheer malicious hatred and desire to make the other person miserable. why the hell can’t people just get the fuck along and stop being a bunch of mean and nasty assholes and bitches who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves? what the hell ever happened to caring about other people, or is that considered obsolete in the 21st century? you know, in high school, i knew this one guy, who was a real ladies’ man. he hung out with girls all the time and talked to them a whole lot and never was the least bit shy around any of them. and he always said, he wanted to keep his virginity, and save himself for the right girl. that is what he always told everyone. and you know what? once he was a freshman in college, that guy came out of the closet and told the world that he is a flaming homosexual. that bastard always cheated off me on tests, and still, he treated me, and everyone else he knew, like shit. but for some reason, he was the most popular guy in high school, with more friends than anyone else. now of course most homosexuals are probably not nasty evil bastards like him. but, that experience taught me something; i have also heard another guy tell about how he turned down a hot girl who was very horny and wanted him, and that other guy was a 16-year-old virgin-by-choice guy who is a closet homosexual still in denial. that second case was quite intriguing because this guy was in total denial about being gay, despite having every single stereotypical gay mannerism that exists, and he even told that story about how he refused sex with a hot girl that propositioned him. so, whenever i hear about a single guy turning down a hot girl, i think there is probably something questionable about his sexual orientation. because any healthy young man ought to have a sufficient amount of testosterone in his bloodstream to give him such a strong desire for sexual intercourse that such a course of action would be unthinkable. i know i have huge amounts of testosterone coursing through my veins; i have been a horny pervert since age 13, and all that time i have been an avid fan of pornography depicting naked females. i think that any guy who does not masturbate; well, there is just something wrong with him, unless he gets so much sex that it uses up all of his libido and/or semen. or if he is pre-pubescent, that is another good reason why he would not masturbate. but the whole point of masturbation is to bring oneself to orgasm while imagining sexual encounters with other people. this is what men are supposed to do! and any red-blooded heterosexual man who does not have any romantic and/or marital relationships ought to jump at the chance for a sexual encounter with an attractive female, and if he does not, there is something seriously wrong with him. this is not my brain speaking; i am speaking from my balls. this is my testosterone speaking. so, what is the point of all this discussion? well, i am simply saying that i believe the women discussed in the salon.com article have unfortunately only had romantic experiences with defective men, men who don’t have the balls to be real men. i do not know why they have found it so difficult to find any real men, men who have functional balls that produce significant quantities of testosterone, who are heterosexual and want to have sex with real women. of course i do not mean to insult homosexuals in any way, but i do believe homosexuality to be a genetic anomaly that ought to gradually go away naturally as a part of darwinian evolution, because homosexuality is either genetic in origin or is a product of the person’s mind. if it is a product of the mind, then the old-school psychological profession was right, and homosexuality really is a mental illness, but i do not believe that for one second. i think homosexuality is inborn, innate, something that cannot be changed, something hardwired into a person’s dna. so, theoretically, under the process of darwinian evolution, the genes for homosexuality ought to gradually become more and more rare, over the course of many generations, until homosexuality is eliminated completely. or perhaps i misunderstand the science of genetics, and maybe the causes for homosexuality are more subtle or complex. perhaps it is caused by the physical environment of the mother’s womb, or the environment a person is raised in during early childhood development, in which case homosexuality is probably a completely natural outcome for someone to have as a sexual orientation, and one that has always existed and will continue to exist forever. i know, for example, of lesbians whose fathers were sexually abusive towards them, and in those cases, i think the fathers are to blame for their daughters’ homosexuality. in actual fact, i think that if homosexuality really were genetic in orgin, it would have long since disappeared from this earth, and there would be no homosexuals anywhere. so, i think the answer has got to be the environment a child is raised in. i have heard that gay men have the same high levels of testosterone being produced by their testicles as straight men, and they have the same desire for sexual intercourse and the same tendency towards masturbation. the only difference is the target of their sexual interests. but, in any case, that simply reinforces my point about how any red-blooded heterosexual male who is unattached and has no sexually transmitted diseases ought to jump at the chance to have sex with an attractive young lady. if that is not his reaction to a situation in which he is offered sex by such a lady, the most likely explanation is that his testicles are not producing sufficient quantities of testosterone and releasing it into his bloodstream. this probably indicates either poor health, advanced age, or some sort of developmental abnormality. now of course, some men have religious convictions that keep them from having premarital sex, but that is an altogether different issue from the one discussed in the salon.com article. the men who turned down the unfortunate attractive young virgin ladies in the article, those men were sexually active, and certainly these men had no religious qualms about premarital sex, since they had sex with different sexually active women all the time. perhaps these men have some sort of horrendous prejudice against virgins, which is altogether sickening and misogynistic. for one thing, i think people of both genders tend to be shy around those whom they are sexually attracted to, and oftentimes this shyness precludes any sort of conversation or the development of any romantic relationships. traditionally, girls were expected to wait for guys to ask them out, a tradition which i find misogynistic and sexist and utterly ridiculous, but, if you combine the legacy of that tradition with the fact that many people of both genders are afflicted with the horrendous scourge of shyness, it is inevitable that many girls will simply never ask anyone out, and just wait for guys to ask them out (assuming that the girls in question are heterosexuals, of course). so, with that in mind, guys should not discriminate against girls who are virgins, or look down upon them in any way, nor should there be stigma attached to guys who are virgins either, for that matter. we ought not assume everyone’s needs are being met in our society; in fact, it would probably be safer to assume that nobody’s needs are being met. but, i am still utterly shocked by the behavior of the men discussed in the salon.com article; still stunned by it. those men acted like... i am sorry, there is no other word for it... women. i mean, it is amazing to me how the differences between men and women are vanishing so quickly. men acting like women and women acting like men. it has gotten so confusing, nobody knows how to act anymore, much less how to expect anyone else to act. our society is disintegrating into utter confusion and chaos. please, somebody, fix this. i am too confused to think straight anymore. i just wish i could find a girlfriend, and i want to have sex a second time, only this time, do it the right way, instead of the wrong way like before. actually, i would like to have sex many, many times. but the one time i did have sex, i did not enjoy it much at all; it was rather a big disappointment. it was not even as good as masturbating. and as for relationships, well, i have a lot of problems socially, and i am quite self-centered and quite frankly i just don’t seem to give a damn about anyone but myself most of the time. plus, i am quite shy, and i don’t trust anyone. i just can’t talk openly to a lady, because there are certain things that simply cannot be discussed with a lady unless you know her well enough, and i don’t know any of them that well. now, the guys who are my friends from college, i can talk to them about anything. but i don’t like that, because they are all much more successful than me with the opposite sex, so i always end up feeling pathetic and inferior and worthless, even though that is not their intention, to make me feel that way. i just have incredibly low self-esteem. so, i dunno. i am not really enjoying my new job that much, because it is kind of boring, and i am pretty disappointed with the way my life has turned out. i just wish things could get better somehow, like there was some kind of magic solution that would fix everything. and nobody understands me, even though i am the easiest person in the world to understand. that is the paradox that is who i am. i wonder if there is something i can do to make things better. if only i could allow other people to control my behavior, they would probably be able to manage my life better than i am mismanaging it myself. i just have no clue about anything anymore. i wish i lived in a country with a totalitarian dictatorship and arranged marriages, so i would never have to make any decisions, and everything would be decided for me. freedom is too much for me to deal with. i want to be a slave. at least then i would know my place in this world.

me so krazie

ok, i am a complete lunatic, for the record. today at work i had a panic attack and i had thoughts running through my mind that i was dying. i couldn’t concentrate on the work or think straight enough to do my job so i talked with my supervisor and left work 2 hours early. which means, of course, that i will be paid for 2 hours less work than i would have ended up being paid otherwise. so, what was making me so upset? here is the rundown:

i have a panic attack disorder, known as panic disorder, anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, or something like that. generally, it effects me in 3 major ways. number one, it gives me panic attacks, usually ones where i have hypochondria, meaning that i think i am dying and my mind makes up different theories for medical problems i might have that are about to kill me within a few minutes and i am doomed. the second effect is, it gives me diarrhea and flatulence and a very uncomfortable digestive system, causing intense pain in my lower digestive tract and requiring me to take a shit again and again and again, and i wipe my ass so many times and make it so sore and painful, it starts bleeding all over the toilet paper. perhaps there is some obsessive/compulsive component to my need to keep wiping my ass until there is not the slightest hint of anything brown on the toilet paper. who knows? there are some things i do that calm me down, that also might be sort of obsessive/compulsive. like i use sharp implements like scissors to scrape off dead skin from my toes and cut my toenails really short, but i actually chop off living tissue and make myself bleed on a pretty regular basis. i also do this to my fingernails and the skin around them, but not as bad as on my toes. and i have athlete’s foot between my toes that has been there for almost 20 years, since i was a small child. it has never been cured, it has just gotten stronger over time. i regularly scrape away the dead skin left by the athlete’s foot, sometimes causing bleeding, and underneath, the raw, living skin becomes exposed to the air, once i am finished. then a day later, that skin is dead, and i scrape it off, again. i wonder how my body keeps producing a new layer of skin every single day, for 20 years. kind of insane... i was maybe 7 years old when i started this, and i have never stopped. if i go for a day or two without doing it, the skin starts to get kind of thick between by toes and there are multiple layers of dead skin... and then eventually they can come off on their own, but it is actually a lot more painful if i let it happen that way, since when it gets thick, the dead skin comes off and brings the live skin underneath with it.

ok. so i am a weirdo with bad hygiene who has engaged in a form of bodily self-mutilation since i was a young child. what else? oh yes, the anxiety disorder. it makes me avoid anything i find frightening or distasteful or whatever. i make use of a “defense mechanism” known as “avoidance”, as the default action to take whenever i am confronted with a problem. i try to bury my problems away and pretend they don’t exist, and they just fester in the background, getting worse, and subconsciously i never stop thinking about how bad they are, and it just eats away at me, making me crazier and crazier, until i just can’t take it anymore and go nuts. at that point, i usually actually do something directly to solve the problem, in a brief period of hyperactive anxious hysteria, and only when it is done can i start to calm down again. needless to say, i am a very bad procrastinator, and wait until the last minute to do important things. and what about things that do not have any definite timetable or deadline or due date? in those cases, i almost always neglect the problem completely, and fail to do anything whatsoever to fix it. and in fact, whenever i have an opportunity to fix it, i repress my urge to solve the problem, and force myself to do nothing and let the problem get worse, because i am afraid of the unknown. the only life i know is the life like this, where i never solve any of my problems. i am so afraid of change, of having things that i am not already accustomed to happening to me, that i try to avoid it at all costs. this fear of change, this habitual behavior, is part of my asperger’s syndrome. another part of my asperger’s is my social withdrawal and avoidance of other people. lately i have been trying hard to socialize and try to make friends, and keep the few i have, and talk to people. i have been making some good progress here but nowhere near enough. my biggest failure is on the romantic/dating/sexual front, where my complete inaction and avoidance of any situation that might put me at risk of making any progress has been quite horrendous. i am utterly disappointed and frustrated and befuddled by my steadfast refusal to actually do anything in pursuit of romance or any sort of relations with the opposite sex. i am a very horny, young heterosexual male, who thinks sexual thoughts about attractive young women constantly, yet i simply cannot bring myself to talk to the attractive young women most of the time. and when i do, my inner demons ensure that i fuck it up quite badly, or even if i manage to have the self-control not to make an utter fool of myself, my ubiquitous tendency to avoid situations i am unfamiliar with causes me to be utterly incapable of simply asking a girl out. period. oh i think about asking a girl out. i decide to do it, and my resolve is firm. and i decide whom to ask out, and what time would be right. and then when the time comes, i simply cannot bring myself to say to her what i have already made a firm decision to say no matter what. instead, i do nothing. my ability for my conscious mind to directly control my own actions is completely shattered at that point, and consciously i am thinking, “what the hell is wrong with you? ask her out!! you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!! you know you want it more than anything!! do you really want to be miserable? why must you always sabotage yourself like this!! you are the biggest loser in the world, and a complete and utter fool!! i hate you!! i hate myself!! i am such a loser!! i wish i was never born!! i am so pathetic it is unbelieveable!! i would have never imagined that at 24 years old, this would be all that i would ever amount to!! my life is such a complete failure!! why is everybody else so much better than me?? i just want to be just like them, just a normal, regular person!! i am sick and tired of being weird and different!! what kind of cruel joke is it for me to be alive on this stupid planet, doomed to die someday, and cursed with these ridiculous mental problems that keep me from ever getting anything i want?? what is the point of even doing anything, ever? why even bother? this is pathetic. oh well, i might as well go back to living my stupid life as usual. it’s not like i have any other choice, except for suicide, which is the most ridiculously stupid idea ever. i mean, i still need to spread my seed and produce offspring before i die, or else my dna will be forever lost from the gene pool. and that would be pathetic, because most humans are the most inferior scum imaginable. our entire species is just one big joke, and we will destroy ourselves within the next 100 years most likely. but i might as well keep going in this fiasco, because ultimately i am quite interested in what the outcome will be. if i were to die any time soon, i would miss finding out how we humans manage to destroy ourselves completely. i can’t believe i am even attracted to the inferior female human scum! we humans are all a pathetic and inferior species, compared to virtually any advanced alien race, so why do we even bother continuing this pointless existence on this 3rd world planet? i want to go to the moon, because at least the moon has a superior race of alien beings, known as the mooninites. those guys are awesome! i can’t wait until i see them in the next episode of aqua teen hunger force! that show kicks ass!”

ok, so you see how i think. like a complete lunatic. anyway, so, there was this girl at work, the first week and a half i worked there, up until thursday last week, and we talked all the time, and i kind of liked her. sure, she had her share of problems too, and wasn’t perfect, but she had the prettiest smile... and her buxom busom was quite enthralling, too, especially on the one day she wore an outfit that showed some cleavage! yikes! that day i had a woody so big, he was in more movies than woody harrelson and woody allen combined! nice girl too. except when she was mean. but regardless, she was always quite interesting. graduated high school at age 15, and got a bachelor’s degree at age 20, and had been out of college 2 years. she was a real racist too, she told me she hates black people. had an abortion once, because her father made her, and now she is obsessed with having someone impregnate her so she can have some more kids. i was kinda planning on having the biological father be me... sigh... but she moved away, to the other side of the country, all of a sudden, when her mom got deathly ill, and she is not moving back. and apparently she is never coming back to binghamton again, at least not to live. still, i miss her. she was such a great, interesting person. i mean, sometimes she said stuff i thought was stupid. like how she believed in horoscopes and astrology and all that nonsense. but see, i don’t need to have a girl who is a genius or who only believes in things that are true, or who is right about everything. i just liked her as a person, and because i found her attractive, and she just had such an interesting personality, and got along with me so well. oh well. maybe people who are racist are not ones we should associate with. but i think her admission to racism was really more of an indication that she is brutally honest, that she tells the truth, and has the integrity to admit it when she has a problem, rather than pretending there is nothing wrong. i actually had not really decided on what my plans with her were. i thought maybe she might be girlfriend material, or maybe just a friend, or someone i might have sex with, or maybe things might not work out at all and we might just end up going our separate ways. i never really put all my eggs in one basket or anything with her; i always was making other plans about other girls i liked. but i think the main thing to take away from this is, i am so lonely and starved for human affection that i am very much willing to compromise about who i am willing to have a relationship with. and i am even willing to have a relationship with someone if i strongly disagree with a large percentage of what they believe in. because ultimately, i can separate the person from the beliefs. and it is the person i like. there was just a certain sparkle in her eyes, a certain spirit, that is all too lacking in many people, and that was what i really liked about her, more than anything. it is kind of boring not having her around, sitting in the cubicle next to me at the office anymore.

and the other people who sat in cubicles near me, they are all gone too. i don’t know what happened to them. none of them were here today. i felt alone, abandoned, hung up and left to dry. when i left tonight i saw one, and she had been moved from the offices upstairs to work on something downstairs. i was glad to hear this, because i was worried she had left the workplace entirely, and quit. i hate to be losing my co-workers like this. now i have to either become friends with the people who have worked there a long time, or find some new people getting jobs there and get to know them. but godddammit... i need to have someone at the office i can be friends with and talk to and stuff. i am starved for attention and affection and basically just want some human contact, some form of positive social interaction, because i feel so empty inside, and i need somebody else to make me whole again. for all my life i have been a rather antisocial person who does not talk with others much at all, and especially not with young women, because my attraction to them is so unbearably strong that it renders me emotionally incapable of dealing with the situation of talking to them. i live with my parents but all too often they point out my faults and things i am not doing correctly with my life, instead of focusing on the positive; when they are like this, being around them just makes me miserable. so i try to avoid them, unless they are being nicer and not nagging me incessantly about my failure to do this or that. it is bad enough that i cannot get myself to do things that i have firmly decided to do, and dealing with my own laziness and refusal to end bad habits or start good ones. but having other people join in on the internal criticism of myself, out loud, vocally, reinforces this internal self-hate even more. my self-loathing is unparalleled; i daresay, it is impossible that anyone else in this world hates and despises themselves as much as i do myself. now of course i do want to get better, and i do not think it is hopeless; well sometimes i do think it is hopeless, but only during periods of panic, depression, or despair.

but on sunday, i was over at the neighbor’s house, helping put the cover over the pool for the winter. there were some nasty bugs out; gnats is what they are called, apparently. they are similar to mosquitoes but smaller and just look like tiny blurs under the pale glow of the evening sky. a large number of them were surrounding me, flying all over, and they ended up all attacking my right leg. i was wearing a bathing suit and nothing else. things seemed fine, until 2 days later, on tuesday, when the gnat bites swelled up and became big and red and inflamed and quite painful. so at work today, i had intense pain on my right leg. i also had diarrhea and gas caused by my anxiety problems. and i wiped my ass so often that night, over many visits to the bathroom, that it became extremely painful, probably twice as strong as the pain from my right leg. i also had a pounding headache. and i felt quite tired, but also like i had too much caffeine. i simply had not slept well the night before, for one thing. and the coffee i drank right before work was maybe a bad idea in retrospect. anyway, all the co-workers who usually sat near me, who i knew and loved, they were all gone now, and i felt all alone. i was in pain. and i was nervous. they handed out reports to each employee on our job performance. how fast we type, how many mistakes, etc. the reports are quite cryptic. but some of the stuff i found kind of alarming, so i asked a supervisor about it, and it turns out i actually did pretty well, compared to other people who have just been on the job a week and a half. but still, the stress of thinking for maybe 2 or 3 minutes that i had awful job performance and might get fired... that was just awful. i mean sure, the job pays next to nothing, and is only through a temp agency... but still... this is a matter of my honor, of my good name. being fired because of bad job performance, i would never want such a grave dishonor to besmirch my good name, no matter what the job was. i pride myself on the good work that i do, and i am an obsessive perfectionist. so that bothered me too. and earlier in the day i had had an argument with my mother which was still on my mind and bothering me a bit. also, i was supposed to cash my first paycheck today, but i did not get to the credit union in time; i had to go straight to work from my house since i did not have enough time to stop along the way to cash the paycheck. so at the subway restaraunt, i was kind of disturbed by the fact that i only have $3 in cash left, and the rest of my money is in my bank accounts, which are almost empty, or in the paycheck that has yet to be cashed. so i paid with my credit card, after asking if they took credit cards and (luckily!) hearing a positive response. that episode shook me, because i pride myself on always carrying enough cash around on hand to deal with any normal everyday situation that involves spending a reasonably small amount of money.

and at the job, employees are expected to eventually be able to process 3 or more documents every minute, on average. i cannot even do half that! my failure to be fast enough was really getting to me. i was not reading the stuff on the screen fast enough, i was not typing fast enough, i was not moving and clicking the mouse fast enough, and i was not thinking fast enough. and despite all my slowness, i still kept making mistakes. i felt hopeless! there is just so much time pressure, when you have to be so fast, fast, fast, and work a total of 8 hours, divided into 4 bite-size chunks of 2 hours with breaks in between. i had so many problems on my mind, weighing me down. and last night, i ate a tremendous quantity of cheese-free lasagna (with just the noodles and sauce and meat and vegetables). my anxiety-ridden lower digestive tract was quite upset and in turbo mode, especially after the cup of coffee right before work. so my diarrhea and gas problem were both out of control. and the right leg was doing horribly. all my co-workers that i knew were gone and i was left working with a bunch of strangers. so to chill out, i decided i needed to take a chill pill; namely, an anti-anxiety medication. i also took a painkiller to dull the pain from my right leg and my sore on-the-verge-of-bleeding ass, as well as my headache. i was sweating profusely and probably hyperventilating too. and you know what? i took a third pill, an anti-gas (anti-flatulant) pill. the third pill was almost too big to swallow. and after i swallowed the third pill i started to feel really weird. i got sweatier than ever; a cold sweat, of course. my heart was pounding. i felt like my head was going to explode. i felt disoriented and couldn’t think straight or concentrate on my job. my ass and right leg still hurt like hell. all the strangers around me kept typing studiously and paying me no heed. i started wondering, did i follow the package directions properly for that anti-gas pill? so i looked at the package, and whaddaya know, it says to chew thoroughly before swallowing. and you know what? i had not chewed it at all, whatsoever, before swallowing. suddenly my mind was filled with pictures of my intestines filling up with air from the mixing of an acid and a base, and exploding, with blood and guts everywhere, all inside my body. then the internal bleeding starts to get out of control, and meanwhile, fecal material starts to enter my bloodstream now that the blood vessels and intestinal walls have been shattered. within less than a minute, i am dead. or so i imagined it happening. the sweating was getting out of control, even though i felt quite cold, and my heart racing and that annoying headache and the pain, the pain that never went away... it was all too much to bear. for a few minutes, i kept typing, kept doing my job, tried to distract myself from my hypochondria and my crazy imaginings of medical problems, but it did not work. i kept getting more and more agitated, and soon the 3rd break of the evening was coming up. i promptly went to my supervisor and explained the situation, how i was having a panic attack and kept having thoughts about medical problems and me dying, and i could not think straight, and i needed to go home since i could not possibly keep doing my job for another 2 hours. so my supervisor said i could go, and i went back and got my stuff, and i left.

i hope tomorrow is a better day. show me some love in the comments section, people. i want to know you care. even if you are some anonymous person off the internet. i just want us all to be one big happy family, all of humanity, all getting along and loving each other. i mean, we all share the same common ancestors, so we are all distant cousins of each other. i am sure that i will be fine anyway, but i would just like to have some positive affirmation so i can feel better about myself. things have been so nuts recently, but i am feeling better now than a few hours ago. and it was good to get all this out of my system and express myself like this. i hope all of you can get something out of it too, maybe. in case anyone else has problems like mine. i dunno. but, for now, since my emotional stability is back for the time being, i should focus on more practical matters, like all the things i have been avoiding doing in order to preserve my sanity. because, what sanity is there for me to preserve? i might as well go for it, and do things that need to be done, rather than being lazy and avoiding things i dislike because they seem to cause emotional problems in the short term. because in the long term, that is the only way i can have good emotional health. be sure to leave some nice comments for me, please! i love all of you people reading this blog, even the lurkers who never post! even if you do not leave a comment, i will still get the message telepathically. haha. no. just kidding. i don’t believe in any supernatural shit. but please. leave some kind of comment. and if you leave a nasty comment... be warned, i am about to make a vague threat to you that probably won’t have any effect at all. those of you who leave nasty comments will be sorry... oh will you ever be sorry. don’t even ask what i will do to you, or what horrible fate awaits you. haha, how was that for a vague threat? maybe a little too creepy. i dunno. but now for some vague promises of rewards. if you post a nice comment to this post of mine, you will be greatly rewarded, if not by me, than by someone else, maybe not a person, or even a tangible entity, but in some way, in some sense, you truly will be rewarded handsomely. perhaps in material terms, perhaps in a deeper sense, but the rewards will come.

and one last thing. get mozilla firefox 2 beta 2. that is a direct order. i want everyone to download that program, and try it out. if you like it, keep using it, and eventually it will auto-update to the final release of firefox 2.0, once it comes out, as well as future releases after that. and if you don’t like it, complain to the developers. then maybe the final release of firefox 2.0 will be better, after the developers take your complaints into consideration. 99% of extensions for firefox 1.5 work if you use the nightly tester tools extension. as for themes, please try the default theme for a while, and give feedback to the developers on it, because the default theme is brand new and experimental and personally i think it sucks ass. the downloads page of richmcgrew.com has a nice list of themes that work on firefox 2 beta 2, although you have to scroll down quite a ways and it might be a little hard to find at first. by the way, i think richmcgrew.com is the greatest website ever to exist in the history of the internet, although i despise its webmaster, rich mcgrew. he is still on my “dead to me” board, but i am willing to move him back up to the “on notice” board if he shapes up. and maybe someday he might shape up so much, he isn’t even on notice anymore! yeah right! alright everyone, post your comments already!