don’t worry, i’m christian now

if you are worried at all that i am going astray, you do not need to worry at all anymore. i have accepted our lord and savior jesus christ as my personal savior, and i am saved! hallelujah! praise jesus! my name is in the book of life. i believe in the holy trinity, the father, the son, and the holy ghost. i take the entire contents of the bible as the literal truth. anything that contradicts a literal reading of the bible must be false! do not worry! i do not believe in evolution or any other secular humanist or atheist/agnostic nonsense. i know that the lord created the world in 6 days and took the 7th day to rest, and the first of those 7 days was actually a monday, not a sunday. i know that the great flood happened and that is what killed the dinosaurs, the unicorns, and the giants that once roamed the earth. i know that we are living in the end times and soon the rapture is coming. and i know that i am going to be one of the blessed souls to take part in the rapture. how do i know all of this? the lord almighty told me so! yes, i can hear him inside my brain. and i know that he is of the male gender too, by the way. the lord is anatomically correct, if you catch my drift. that is why we do not call him “she” or “her”. the lord almighty does not have any female sex organs, only male ones. now why does he have them? does he need them for mating with a goddess? no! there is no such thing as a goddess! they are mythological! how could anyone possibly believe such superstitious nonsense? speaking of superstitious nonsense, the devil satan is real, and many people are possessed by him or by other demons in today’s fallen world. we need to cast out false prophets and perform exorcisms. we need to speak in tongues and do snake handling. jesus will defend the jews of israel in world war 4, which will happen after world war 3, and he will only manage to protect 1/3 of them from being killed, and that third will all convert to christianity, meaning there will not be a single jew left in the world and adolf hitler’s vision will be fulfilled. i believe that people can only go to heaven if they accept jesus christ as their personal savior. yes, i believe in all of this, because these are all required beliefs of evangelical christianity nowadays. if i did not believe in this holy creed, i would be doomed to eternal hellfire in the lake of fire, because my name would not appear in the book of life that is read at the great white throne judgement. these are the end times, and you have to get right with the lord. i was a heathen and a sinner, an atheist subgenius, but i have found the truth! the truth is not found through logic or reason, rationality or the scientific method. it is found through pure blind faith in a bunch of seemingly nonsensical crap that a bunch of people all insist is true despite all evidence to the contrary. and i have found that i am perfectly able to have this type of blind faith that is absolutely necessary to achieve salvation, which is lucky, because everyone who does not have this kind of blind faith is doomed to eternal hellfire. oh, and by the way, any native americans who died before 1492 will spend eternity in hell, because none of them heard the message of jesus christ, since it had not come to america back then. many other millions of people died back before christianity had reached their part of the world. and all of those people are now burning in hell, because they were all evil. if they were good, they would have been christian, because only christians can be good people. everyone else is pure evil, and any belief system not based on the teachings of jesus christ must be based on teachings from satan. anybody who deviates even in the slightest from this belief system i outlined here will spend eternity in the lake of fire, because their name will not appear in the book of life. but i am saved, and i am going to heaven, where i will spend eternity singing the praises of our almighty lord. these are all proven facts that i am saying and if you dispute any of it you are damned. so i hope that all the people who were worried about me being damned are now satisfied that i am saved and i am a true christian going to heaven for all eternity, because one of my parents keeps telling me about people who are worried about my soul, keeps bugging me about it, and this is my response. i hope you are happy, since obviously i believe in 100% of evangelical christianity and i am born again. i know anything less than that would be unsatisfactory. of course jesus himself said judge not lest ye be judged, so maybe people should take that into consideration before they start saying that i will go to hell because of my beliefs. because maybe a hell of a lot of other people would have to go to hell for their beliefs before one as righteous and noble as me is ever sent to hell. i mean, a lot of people who have beliefs similar to the ones i outlined here do not exactly exemplify virtue and kindness and righteousness with how they live their lives. but, they will still go to heaven anyway, because all that matters is your beliefs, and not your actions, when you are judged. it is just a simple matter of whether you have accepted jesus christ as your personal savior and bought into all the beliefs of modern-day protestant evangelicals in the united states’ bible belt. men get to order women around, and all homosexuals go to hell. that is just how it works. anyone who has any sort of need to rebel against this rigid type of fundamentalist ideology is obviously a hellbound heathen. and that certainly does not describe me, because i am as christian as they come. granted, my conversion is rather recent, but i am such a fervent and passionate believer in it. i am going to heaven for all eternity, after i am taken away in the rapture. it is just a fact, and if you argue with it, it just proves you are going to go to hell, so don’t even think about questioning anything i have said in this post, because your eternal soul is on the line here. your beliefs must perfectly align with the required ones to gain admittance to heaven, so be very careful.

watch out for "bob"

i just found these 2 funny anti-"bob" sites: expose bob and subgenius recovery and support network. well guess what? the first site is run by infamous subgenius provocateur papa joe mama, the leader of the so-called “holocaustals”. and the second is run by doktors armand and barbie geddyn, who also run shark-messiah.com. so in other words, what i am trying to get across is that there are only 2 anti-subgenius websites on the internet and both are joke sites actually made by real subgenii. so basically this means that pretty much nobody is opposed to the church of the subgenius. sigh. and there is a crazy blogger who calls himself “central scrutinizer” who hates my guts because i commented on all his posts when i had nothing better to do and felt like doing that. that blogger is opposed to the subgenii but that is not the main focus of his opposition. mainly he just opposes the discordians. anyway, if you look at the comments that central scrutinizer has, for all of his posts, you will find there is only 1 other person who agrees with him that the discordians are a dangerous cult that needs to be stamped out. meanwhile, nobody thinks that about the subgenii, not even this central scrutinizer guy! what are we doing wrong, that we can’t even piss off a single person? well ok, the subgenius recovery and support network did manage to find 2 webpages that were anti-“bob”. but still... i think there is maybe a website that is actually anti-subgenius that is not run by subgenii, maybe just 1. at encyclopediadramatica.com, you can find this article which is anti-subgenius. unfortunately... guess what? the people who put it there are all subgenii, who made it anti-subgenius as a joke. it seems nobody is willing to insult our fake religion since nobody has ever heard of it in the first place. it sure is strange how little opposition there is to our plans for complete world domination and elimination of all dissent. i guess everyone just agrees with us and wants us to go ahead with our plans, then. i mean, all the real cults have plenty of websites out there warning the public about them and exposing them as dangerous cults. websites like xenu.net, which opposes scientology. it is such a shame that we subgenii will be able to take over the world without a single person opposing us. where is the fun in that?

my computer is broken

my computer has an abit kv7 motherboard with a northbridge fan that does not spin at all. this problem arose after 2 power outages that happened last night. i am going to fix it. but for now, i cannot use my computer anymore, so i am using the family computer. now lately i have been driving myself insane with my unhealthy obsession/addiction with the church of the subgenius. as someone with asperger’s syndrome, i tend to form very strong interests in certain subjects and want to know all about them and become completely obsessed with them, and cannot stop talking about them. that is the problem i had with the church of the subgenius. i developed such a strong interest in it, it practically drove me insane. but here is a reality check: the church of the subgenius is not a real church or religion. it is a group that does satirical parody of religions and cults by pretending to be one. the whole thing is one big joke. and you might think there is some sort of serious message they are trying to get across. but guess what? either they do not have any serious message, or they totally fail to get it across to anybody, because all that people like me see is the comedy. anyway, long ago, it devolved from a parody of other groups to a self-parody, and this is most obvious by observing how they say the world will end on july 5, 1998, and keep insisting that that date is in the future, every year saying that this year is the real 1998 and the world will end july 5 of this year, and then when it doesn’t happen, saying they got the calendars wrong and it will happen next year. the purpose of the whole fake cult, originally, was for its founders to get laid and make some money. it is based on the principles of another fake religion, discordianism, which is much older, except there is no central discordian church and no way for anyone to make money off discordianism. so the church of the subgenius was designed as a for-profit enterprise, and a graven image of j.r. “bob” dobbs is worshipped, because worshipping a graven image is blasphemy against religions that prohibit this. the original image of j.r. “bob” dobbs came out of public domain clip art put out by at&t (at that time, the one and only phone company) for use in phone book advertisements. anyway, i first found out about this group a while back, in olden times so long ago i forget when it happened, when i stumbled upon the site subgenius.com randomly. i remember looking at the faq section and trying to figure out what this group is, and just finding the website confusing and stupid and a big mess that is impossible to navigate. parts of the newer-looking website link to webpages from an older-looking website straight out of the 1996-1998 era, back in the ancient times of the internet when all websites were quite primitive and stone age. the subgenius.com website is a mix of webpages from prehistoric times and modern times. and i found the whole thing rather silly and stupid and pointless, and i wondered, do these people really have nothing better to do than worship some stupid-looking monochrome clipart of a dude smoking a pipe? and although i read about the usenet newsgroup alt.slack i did not even think about actually looking at it, since i considered usenet newsgroups to be old, outdated internet technology. so i left that website and didn’t look at it again for a very long time, since i considered it utterly inane and stupid. anyway, a few years later, on some websites, namely bushflash.com and boingboing.net, i was really into looking at blogs, and i found on both of those sites that the blogs mentioned the case of one rachel bevilacqua, also known as rev. magdalen, who had a child custody case she lost because of pictures of her with little or no clothing appearing at annual subgenius retreats known as x-day, which happen in upstate new york, the same part of the country where i live. these blogs linked to rachel bevilacqua’s blog, where i read more about it, with great interest. as a horny young man who was single and wanted sex with hot women, i was incredibly interested in these x-day events and wanted to know more about them. i found out that this religion is all one big joke and everything, and there are hot naked women at x-day events, and everything is totally awesome and kicks ass. it all seemed too good to be true. so i went back to subgenius.com and looked at the website again, and eventually found the hour of slack weekly radio show to be the best source of slack. at this point, i was still somewhat skeptical of the group, and was still a little worried it might be a real cult or be dangerous, and not entirely sure it was safe or that it was really all just harmless comedy. after listening to a few episodes of the hour of slack, which i started doing around february of this year, i started to think that i had figured the whole thing out and it all made sense and i should join and it really was awesome and one big joke. i mean, i have kind of a sick sense of humor, and like to take jokes too far, and i like silly nonsense, and what especially appealed to me was how this religion promoted the idea that people who are abnormal are better than normal people. as someone who has always been somewhat of an outsider socially, who has always looked at myself as abnormal, i found it very comforting and reassuring to be told i was better than everyone else. and, strange as it may seem, in my darkest moments when i felt bad, i could think about “bob” and slack and it would make me feel better and cheer up, the same way a christian can think about jesus and heaven and cheer up when they are feeling lousy. even though i didn’t believe in this fake religion, it could still have the same emotional effect on me that a real religion has on other people! people can have genuine religious experiences even in self-proclaimed false joke religions. it really seemed like this subgenius thing could make me feel happier and everything. but that blissful period did not last longer than a month or two. my emotions started to feel worse again and thinking about “bob” did not seem to help at all. i ended up having more panic attacks and during one of them i convinced myself i was suicidal and told my parents i wanted to die. so i ended up committing myself to the psychiatric ward of the nearest hospital that has one, back at the end of april 2007. that had nothing to do with “bob”... i was feeling suicidal for entirely unrelated reasons, namely dissatisfaction with my life and feeling that nothing was ever going to get better, frustration with how things were going, et cetera. i was depressed about being stuck in a dead-end low-paying job, still never having had even 1 girlfriend except for that stupid thing with a girl who lived far away that was arranged over the internet and all turned out wrong, and still being stuck living at home with my parents. anyway, it turns out “bob” is just a distraction from reality that makes you feel better for a little while before you think about reality again. so i ended up coming out of the psychiatric ward with a slightly different set of medications, having gone through a lot of group therapy and feeling better about things. since then, i was gradually improving until i got sucked into an almost complete obsession with the church of the subgenius, which started around the beginning of june. for the last month and a half, i have had a bizarre obsession with this group, unable to cure myself of it, unable to figure out why i have it, unable to get rid of it. it is my asperger’s syndrome that makes me have bizarre obsessions with things. most subgenii are much better at dealing with the church of the subgenius psychologically than i am, because it does not consume their thoughts night and day and keep them from thinking about anything else. luckily, i think i am starting to recover from this obsession. now i do not think the church of the subgenius is to blame for my psychological problems; they were just something for me to latch onto as a distraction from real life that i could obsess myself with in order to keep from thinking about reality, and blissfully live in a fantasy world. but lately i have started to recover from this madness, from this helpless struggle to avoid dealing with reality by latching onto anything ridiculous and pretending to believe in it instead of dealing with reality. i still like the church of the subgenius though, and still consider myself a subgenius. i just got a little carried away, thinking about it too much inside my own head, to the point where there was hardly any room to think about anything else. but i think i will be better now. there was an x-day celebration earlier this month on july 5th in western new york and i did not go. i have never actually met a subgenius but i have interacted with them online. actually i did manage to recruit some local kid into becoming a subgenius, but that was because he was eager to join any cult at all and thought cults were awesome, and when i told him all about subgenii, he was all over it. i think it will probably do a lot less harm than a real cult would, and he probably would have joined any cult that tried to recruit him. i hope it does not drive him insane like it did to me. but in a way, i never really was all that sane to begin with. i have always been pretty crazy, in a way. but at least now i am trying to be less crazy. the church of the subgenius is not a religion. subgenii have other belief systems as their actual belief systems. some are atheists or agnostics and some actually believe in other religions, such as christianity for instance. they just happen to have a sense of humor, and not feel insulted when they see blasphemy, that’s all. my problem was that i forgot that i was not supposed to take any of this stuff seriously, when the whole thing is clearly just one big joke. anyway, back out here in the real world, i need to fix my computer, and find out why the northbridge fan does not spin. i might have to replace my entire motherboard. hopefully it is just the fan that is shot, and the electricity to the fan is still there. if the fan is fine but its electrical supply is cut off, that means the motherboard is shot. anyway, i am trying to regain my sanity but it is always just barely out of reach. i suppose that is just how things work, and people can never be 100% sane no matter how hard they try. lately my insanity has been putting up a good fight against my sanity, but i am going to fix that problem. just you wait and see.

cysts, mutants, and the 10 planets

my mom has a synovial cyst in her lower spine that causes leg pain. i have 2 fatty cysts in my scalp. cysts are benign tumors but they can turn into cancer. i remember the movie kindergarten cop where arnold schwarzenegger says “it’s not a tumor!” with reference to the cause of him having a headache, after a kid in the classroom said that he had a brain tumor. sometimes i think i have a brain tumor. being a hypochondriac is such bullshit. the other day i thought i was having a blood clot loose in my bloodstream that would lodge itself in my heart or brain and cause a heart attack or stroke. where did i get this idea from? i have a weird wound near my left elbow that is underneath my skin, and i had just noticed it. it gets itchy and i scratch it, and it was like a solid but after i squished it, it turned liquid and i could feel that from the outside even though it is underneath my skin. and the skin on top of it is all dark brown unlike the rest of my skin, which is white. i didn’t know what the hell this horrible thing near my elbow was but apparently it is called a “wart” and it is sort of like a cyst, another kind of benign tumor that can sometimes turn into cancer. in other words, i am gonna die. no, not immediately, not in the short term. but my cells around my body keep having odd mutations from all the radiation around me. did you know that sunlight is full of harmful radiation that causes mutations? if you go outside during the day and let any sunlight hit your body, it will turn you into a mutant. anyway i am a mutant and i have cysts full of mutated cells. and my mom has cysts too. probably everyone has cysts. and as i write this i am looking at a computer screen that is sending harmful radiation right into my face. x-rays, the ones superman uses for his vision! they also come out of your television set too, and of course the sun. now some mutants are planning to go to planet x, now that they have been mutated by x-rays, so they are waiting for aliens called x-ists to come in flying saucers to destroy the earth, on x-day, the day of the apocalypse. and everyone is running mac os x or windows xp. according to the scientologists, the leader of the hostile aliens is called xenu. everything comes back to the letter x. apple is trying to get people interested in the letter i again, with ipods, itunes, the new iphones, and i-lots of other things. and of course there is email, and probably other e-things. anyway, with only 8 official planets in the solar system now, it is hard to fathom planet x, the legendary 10th planet. one explanation is that there is another earth besides the one we are on, the bizarro earth. bizarro earth is on the opposite side of the sun from the regular earth we are on. bizarro earth is like a giant soviet russia joke. since bizarro earth and regular earth are on opposite sides of the sun and have the same exact orbit, you can never see one of them if you are on the other one. if you include bizarro earth with the official 8 planets, you are up to 9. and the 10th planet is planet x, also known as planet xena, officially called 2003 ub313 by astronomers. planet x(ena) is where xenu now lives, and is plotting his assault against tom cruise and the other scientologists. anyway, we are not sure if this planet we live on is the true earth or if we are just on bizarro earth, the so-called “bizarro world”. lots of evidence points to the conclusion that we really do live in the bizarro world, like george w. bush being president and fighting a war in iraq just like his daddy did, and actually getting re-elected. and that is why we all have cysts and are mutants, from all the radiation coming out of the depleted uranium used by our military. and inside the hollow earth there are nazi hell creatures, but that is another story. anyway, aliens from 2003 ub313 are plotting to destroy the earth, so let us hope we do not live on earth and this really is bizarro world. that way, the planet they destroy won’t be this one we live on. in fact, maybe they have already destroyed the regular earth, on july 5, 1998, and now the only earth left is this bizarro one. in that case, we are off the hook, and the aliens will not destroy our planet after all. instead, we will destroy ourselves, bizarro style.

the emperor of colorado is dead

it turns out the man police shot and killed outside the colorado state capitol building was the emperor of colorado. he was following in the footsteps of the 19th century emperor of the united states and protector of mexico, joshua a. norton, who carried out his imperial reign from san francisco and was hailed as a hero by all citizens of that great city on the bay. this new emperor was only emperor of colorado, not the entire united states. it is shameful that he was denied the chance to rule a government that was rightfully his. i mean, he had personally declared himself to be the emperor, and there is no higher authority than someone who calls themselves an emperor. napoleon bonaparte called himself an emperor and people respected that. people believed in napoleon, and he in turn made all their wildest dreams come true. i find it shocking that people are no longer willing to submit to authority figures such as self-proclaimed emperors. oh how the mighty have fallen! this should be a real wake-up call for all of us in the united states of america. why are we so unwilling to submit to the authority of a self-proclaimed emperor? what if jesus came down from heaven and declared himself emperor? would we shoot him dead too? something to think about.

praise congress!

right now as i write this, c-span is on the tv, and everyone is debating a bill to end the war in iraq. almost all the congresspeople are speaking in favor of this bill to end the war, and just a few are speaking against it. i know of no better time to sing the praises of congress. now apparently i think the senate tried to do a similar measure recently but didn’t have 60 votes so the republicans blocked it with a filibuster threat. at least the house of representatives is democratic. i hope they don’t give the president another blank check in september like they did earlier this year. if they do, i will think twice about it before i ever trust them again. but right now, i am liking what i am hearing from them on c-span, and i think congress deserves our support. let’s get congress’s approval rating higher than president bush’s! they at least deserve that much, since they are certainly doing a much better job than our brain-dead president.

went swimming

i went swimming today. it was kinda fun. i wonder if anyone actually reads my blog. probably not. most of my posts are so long and crazy-sounding. please don’t worry about this subgenius stuff if you have been reading that. i don’t really believe in that stuff, it is just for fun. i am really just a plain old atheist who believes in logic and reason, but don’t tell anyone that. that is secret. it is more fun to pretend to be irrational like everyone else is, except even more irrational than the people you are making fun of. of course i have always been atheist with a few exceptions. i never believed in santa claus or the tooth fairy or the easter bunny either. i never felt let down about it. i was just worried my parents would find out i didn’t believe and then i would stop getting presents and candy and stuff like that. that is sort of what religion is like. you have to pretend you believe just like everyone else, when you are at church, or else you will get in trouble, probably, and someone might tell you that you are going to hell or something like that, but anyway, it would be an uncomfortable situation even if they don’t condemn you, and it is best not to get into direct confrontations with theists if you are an atheist. basically you just don’t feel like you belong or feel welcome because everyone else has these irrational beliefs that are mandatory for everyone to believe, but you just can’t believe because you are simply too rational. it is probably my asperger syndrome that makes me an atheist. the idea of god never really made sense to me, and when i was a kid i never trusted what adults told me, and was always skeptical and always thought they might just be lying to me. of course, it turned out that i was correct all along, and adults do lie to kids all the time, so i was right to be skeptical. for some reason, most people actually believe what they are taught when they are very young. i am glad i do not fall into that category, because it seems like it is hard for those normal people to undo the brainwashing later on in life. as for the chances of me accepting jesus christ as my personal savior? well, i have done that. i accept him. fine. whatever. i just don’t want people bugging me about having the wrong beliefs. i’ll pretend to believe what everyone else is pretending to believe, if they just leave me alone about what i really believe. supposedly in the end times, everyone who does not take the mark of the beast, 666, will be saved. i do not have the digits 666 tatooed or carved on me anywhere. and supposedly everyone will worship the beast, which will be satan or the antichrist. but let me tell you something! i will never worship this beast! never! i refuse to believe in such foolishness! i will not worship christ or the antichrist! i do not want either one! i do not want mainline organized religion, or satanism! the only reason the church of the subgenius is okay with me is because it is a joke and nobody really believes in it! i refuse to believe in anything supernatural! if these are the end times it is almost certainly because we humans, in our stupidity, will destroy ourselves! and the irrationality of religion is probably to blame for that apocalypse which may or may not be coming! why are there so many stupid wars in the middle east? it is because of all the stupid religious people in the middle east, and religious people here in america who want to fight them! anyway, i went swimming and it was okay but then thunder came. there were some pretty girls there in bikinis at the community pool. don’t worry, they were all over 18 when i was looking over at them! at least they looked like they were over 18! but there was so little fabric on their bodies! it reminded me of how in some islamic countries, women are forced to have their entire bodies covered so you can’t see anything! the exact opposite of the united states! so at least christians are not overly concerned about showing off their bodies, except maybe the “naughty bits” that some puritanical types like to censor. i wonder if women would parade around naked if that were legalized. i know that it is legal for women to be topless in new york state, because of a new york state court ruling about public breastfeeding that was “broad” in its acceptance of public showing of breasts. but i never see any of them taking advantage of this court ruling, because apparently nobody knows about it. or maybe they just don’t want anyone to see that part of their anatomy! i do wish more women would take advantage of their legal right to bare their breasts in public in new york state. it has been upheld by the highest court in the state! if any cops bother you, just show them a printout of the 1992 court ruling and tell them that if they try to arrest or detain you, it will be a violation of your civil rights! join the “topfree” movement! and then come visit a public swimming pool when i am there! do not worry, i am a very nice person, and i am probably too shy to come up to you and talk, so i will probably just leave you alone! that is what i did to the attractive young women in bikinis today! i left them alone because i was too shy to talk to them! if only i were able to ask out girls... but i am just too damn shy. why else would i be unable to get a girlfriend? i just can’t bring myself to even talk to them in the first place, so how on earth could things ever progress to a relationship with someone i cannot even talk to in the first place! i have asperger syndrome, for crying out loud. alright, later folks.

usa! usa! usa!

praise america! heil bush! this is the greatest country on earth! usa! usa! usa! wave the stars and stripes! the flag! for america! usa! we’re #1! july 4, 1776! what an awesome day! we just had july 4 and i love america, the greatest nation that ever has existed or ever will exist! we are so much better than any other nation could ever possibly be! usa #1! yee haw! vote republican! uncle sam wants you to join the army, so do it! red, white, and blue! world domination or bust! we rule you! our military spending is bigger than the rest of the world combined! suck on that, losers! we will destroy all who oppose us! all your base are belong to us! you have no chance to survive make your time! ha ha ha! what happen?!? somebody set up us the bomb! move zig! for great justice! usa #1! ve speek engrish en u.s.a.! engrish is official language! you speak?!? very nice, how much?!? i am from kazakhstan! yes!!! but i still love usa! greatest nation in this universe or any parallel universe! don’t question it, i’ve been to all of them! this one is #1 de best! we rule you! now and forever! destroy planet earth to protect it from those who would destroy it! we must burn village to save it! it takes a village to raise a child! the solution for too many guns on the streets is even more guns on the streets! if you are losing a war, try even harder to lose! we must save the lives of those who have not yet been born, for they are much more important than those who have already been born, whose lives are expendable! if the gap between rich and poor keeps widening, the only solution is to widen it even further! in soviet russia, car drives you! the only way to protect democracy is to give up our freedoms so we stop being a democracy! if people die from lack of health insurance, the solution is to increase the cost of health insurance, to give them more incentive not to buy it so they die faster! to be forward-thinking you must look at everything back-asswards! after all, in soviet russia, tv watches you! god bless america, my home sweet home! victory, comrades! for mother russia! whoops, i mean u.s.a.! vladimir putin will destroy you! chiggity check yo-self before you wreck yo-self! don’t push me cuz i’m close to the edge! wu-tang clan! we rule you! insert nonsense here! bob dole 2008!

the world ends tomorrow and you may die

tomorrow is x-day, the end of the world, according to the church of the subgenius. yes, it is the greatest holiday of the year in the subgenius calendar. tomorrow is july 5, 1998 in the subgenius calendar and july 5, 2007 in the conspiracy calendar. that means it is x-day 10, because the first x-day was celebrated on july 5, 1998 in the official conspiracy calendar. each year, the church of the subgenius proclaims it to be the real 1998, and claims that x-day is coming this year for real. at least, that has been the rule since 1998. and this year is no exception. of course, many groups and individuals have predicted the apocalypse throughout history, and so far, all of the predicted dates for the apocalypse have come and gone with no apocalypse actually occurring. what makes it different this time? well for one thing, the church of the subgenius has been celebrating x-day since before 1998. that’s right, since 1996 or even earlier, they have had x-day drills, where they would practice what to do on the actual x-day. technically, all of the x-day celebrations so far have been just x-day drills, in retrospect, because none of them happened on the actual x-day. now technically, you could say that not only the year 1998 but also the day and month july 5th are in question. that is why tex-day is celebrated. tex-day is like x-day except it is celebrated in texas, and it is may 7th, not july 5th. instead of 7/5 it is 5/7, you see? now people say that the apocalypse really happens in the year 8661, which is 1998 upside down. but it is not 8,661 years after the birth of jesus christ. no, it is 8,661 years after some event of cosmic significance in ancient atlantis, supposedly. so that could be any year at all. that is the basis for the theory that this year, 2007, is actually 1998, because 1998 is the upside-down 8661 from the calendar of atlantis. alright, so this all probably seems silly to you by now, which is good! now you think the apocalypse is funny and you no longer take it so seriously. of course you will be dead when the end of the world really comes. but i will be too! and nobody knows how that will happen, except perhaps the perpetrators, if it is carried out by people. in fact, with george w. bush as president, it is a miracle that the apocalypse hasn’t already happened, since he has access to the entire united states nuclear arsenal, and he is completely batshit insane (at least about some things). of course, some people actually diagnose george w. bush as having a normal personality and say he is actually above average in intelligence, but just intellectually lazy and uncurious. but who cares? either way he still sucks. at least dick cheney is not commander-in-chief. mutual assured destruction is m.a.d. and what if everyone got wiped out by a disease like the ebola virus? that could easily happen if a powerful enough disease came along. or earth could get struck by an asteroid. or we could be attacked by hostile aliens, which is the subgenius belief. the hostile aliens, or x-ists, are supposed to come from planet x, the 10th planet of the solar system. that belief is kind of out-of-date now that pluto is no longer a planet. but there is an easy explanation. planet x is made of dark matter so it is invisible. and planet v, the 5th planet, used to exist between mars and jupiter but it exploded aeons ago and all that is left of it is the asteroid belt, the little bits of debris that remain from the explosion. perhaps planet v exploded 8,661 years ago. it is an interesting theory, though probably not true. but anyway, that makes jupiter the 6th planet, saturn 7th, uranus 8th, and neptune 9th. so planet x is 10th and invisible because it is dark matter. it makes perfect sense! i love making things up. anyway, we don’t know for sure that the world ends tomorrow. and according to the laws of “probability”, it is highly unlikely. that is why people need to believe things like that on the basis of faith, not reason. through faith, anything is possible. and anyway, nobody can prove that hostile aliens will not destroy the earth tomorrow morning at 7:00 am eastern daylight savings time. so why question it? even bbc news printed a story today about ufos. the same ufos that may or may not invade the planet earth tomorrow morning! are you ready for whatever may or may not occur? not if you believe in logic, reason, and rationality! throw all those out the window and put your faith in a higher power... “bob”. now if, for some unbobly reason, 7 am on july 5th comes and goes and nothing happens, just like all the past times the apocalypse was predicted... the apocalypse will happen on july 5, 2008 at 7:00 am eastern daylight savings time. or any other date and time. who knows? but humanity cannot survive on the planet earth forever. sometime between now and 5 billion years from now, it’s all over. and it will probably be closer to right now than to 5 billion years from now. so why will it happen on july 5th at 7 am? why not? it’s just as good a guess as any other date and time. but if it happens then, at least there will be some people who expect it then.

impeach cheney... and bush

ok so why should we impeach dick cheney and george w. bush? here is why: lewis “scooter” libby was dick cheney’s closest and highest ranking adviser. “scooter” lied under oath as part of a criminal conspiracy for obstruction of justice to block an investigation by special prosecutor patrick fitzgerald into how the name of ambassador joseph wilson’s wife valerie plame was leaked to the media and reported in a syndicated column by right-wing pundit robert novak. dick cheney is currently blocking another investigation into his office by claiming that the vice president’s office is the fourth branch of government, separate but equal to the executive, legislative, and judicial branches. he also shot his friend in the face with a gun. and his daughter is a lesbian who wants to get gay-married even though president busy opposes gay marriage, and dick cheney supports his daughter’s view in favor of gay marriage or at least domestic partnerships. dick cheney created his own intelligence agency inside the vice president’s office to cook the books on intelligence to create a case to go to war against iraq. and dick cheney was the mastermind behind a scheme to get john ashcroft to sign off on torture while john ashcroft was sick in the hospital and bedridden and wanted nothing to do with signing off on torture. dick cheney arranged for his company halliburton to get no-bid contracts in iraq and for hurricane katrina reconstruction so halliburton could price-gouge the government and steal billions from our national treasury. as for george w. bush? he is the one who chose dick cheney as his running mate after dick cheney was in charge of the committee to search for a running mate and chose himself. george w. bush lied when he said anyone who had anything to do with leaking the name of valerie plame to the media would be fired. george w. bush led us into a quagmire in iraq that is much worse than vietnam because this quagmire is provoking a global terrorist threat against us and helping the terrorists train and recruit for their jihad against america. the threat from the people we fought in vietnam was nothing compared to that. george w. bush opposes the very gay marriage and/or civil unions that could help save dick cheney’s daughter from a life of not being married officially. and george w. bush commuted the sentence of lewis “scooter” libby so that the convicted felon would not serve any jail time, because he was wealthy and had connections and was a close friend of the vice president and all the stupid people felt sorry for this lucky idiot. and meanwhile regular people who commit perjury have to serve jail time. oh, i know that people say bill clinton committed perjury. but he was impeached and they failed to remove him from office. and there wasn’t enough evidence to get him on trial after he stopped being president. “scooter” libby, on the other hand, was tried and convicted by a court of law, and his appeal was thrown out because it was groundless. “scooter” will end up serving less jail time than paris hilton, another spoiled wealthy person who is very lucky just like “scooter”. and o.j. simpson. don’t forget him. he murdered nicole brown simpson and ron goldman, and ended up getting acquitted even though he was guilty, because he was wealthy and could afford the world’s best lawyers. there is one legal system for rich people who can afford top lawyers and another for the middle class who can afford lawyers but not the best, and a third one made up of public defenders, for the poor. the legal system is institutionally set up to benefit the wealthy and hurt the poor. and still, despite all that, the legal system convicted “scooter” libby and sentenced him to jail. so the president had to save him from going to jail because all the other conservative pundits felt sorry for poor “scooter”. well i don’t give a damn about “scooter” or about any of the stupid conservative pundits who advocated pardoning him. those people are all scum and we would be better off without any of them. the whole bush administration is corrupt and rotten to the core. it is like the mafia, and it is all about loyalty. if you are loyal to the boss, the boss will be loyal to you and make sure everyone else is too. that is how the bush administration runs things. if you are ever disloyal, you are thrown out. you lose your job and you have character assassination attempted at you through unflattering leaks to the press. that is why there was the whole u.s. attorney scandal. the u.s. attorneys were fired for not showing enough loyalty to president bush, not because they were bad at their jobs. some of the ones who were fired were doing very well at their jobs. but it is all about loyalty in the mafia and criminal gangs like the bush administration. they have to make a show of demonstrating their loyalty to “scooter” libby to demonstrate the carrot of being protected from investigation and prosecution if you remain loyal. and if you are not loyal, you get the stick instead, the one they used against joseph wilson. to attack him, they jeopardized the safety of his wife, who had been involved in covert cia operations in the past. they did that to send the message that if you show disloyalty, your family will be targeted. it is just like the mafia or a criminal gang. that’s why i say, impeach these thugs! let the punishment fit the crime! or in this case, many, many crimes! too many to count! congressman dennis kucinich has offered articles of impeachment against dick cheney. and last year, cynthia mckinney put out some articles of impeachment against george w. bush and dick cheney, right before she left office as a congresswoman. john conyers, house judiciary chairman, has in the past had a lot of pro-impeachment talk, although he has never shown any action in this area. if only everyone in congress were at least somewhat in favor of impeachment, as those 3 are. cynthia mckinney is no longer in congress, but there should be plenty of other people still in congress willing to impeach bush and cheney. forget all the talk about there not being enough votes to convict in the senate! that does not matter! the senate is full of irrelevant partisan hacks who are all political insiders and disconnected from the will of the american people! most americans would like an end to the bush administration, the sooner, the better! even right-wing extremist ann coulter wants it to end as soon as possible! so why not do it? several republicans in the senate are in open revolt against president bush now. there still exists a possibility that impeachment might actually work. how can you know for sure unless you try? and we really should try. there is no reason not to. the american people are dissatisfied with how the new congress is too wimpy to actually do anything bold, like ending the war in iraq or impeaching bush and cheney. what has congress actually done? who the hell knows? but if congress actually did something important like impeaching the president, people would take notice. and people would start paying more attention to what congress does and following it in the news, at least for a little while. and that is a good thing, because the media gives too much free airtime to president bush and his cronies, and not enough to congress. this would help to even the scales and bring some balance back into the public debate, which has been influenced too much by our deranged president and not enough by other voices. but congress is its own worst enemy. the people in congress cannot do anything about this because they are too chickenshit scared about doing anything controversial that might get anyone upset with them. congress is full of cowards who are afraid to stand up and fight. it is time for the people in congress to get some guts or balls or whatever you prefer calling it, and stand up and fight the administration for real. an all-out political war, a constitutional crisis, that sort of thing. it is just what our country needs right now, to revitalize our democratic political system and checks and balances and separation of powers and the constitution. before we can defend freedom we have to have the freedom to defend. let us ensure that we have a democracy worth defending, before we send people to fight and die for freedoms that we don’t even really have anymore. and neocons, if you don’t like being held accountable for your actions, move to iraq, a neoconservative paradise of lawlessness where you can get away with anything! good luck. you will need it to survive in the hellish dystopia that you created.

had birthday party

well today i had a birthday party, even though my birthday was june 18th, not today. but that was a monday, and besides, my dad was in austria at the time. so i held the celebration on a weekend when my father could be here along with my mother and i, and our dog. we also had many guests, including 7 people who actually showed up. it was a good time. we had spedies and everything. yeah... good times. oh well... not much to say about it. eh, i ate too much food. i have been getting fatter and fatter lately. i plan on undoing that and losing weight, of course. hmm. i think i have to go to the bathroom. well, i will just post this short little entry and be done with this blog for now!