the world ends tomorrow and you may die

tomorrow is x-day, the end of the world, according to the church of the subgenius. yes, it is the greatest holiday of the year in the subgenius calendar. tomorrow is july 5, 1998 in the subgenius calendar and july 5, 2007 in the conspiracy calendar. that means it is x-day 10, because the first x-day was celebrated on july 5, 1998 in the official conspiracy calendar. each year, the church of the subgenius proclaims it to be the real 1998, and claims that x-day is coming this year for real. at least, that has been the rule since 1998. and this year is no exception. of course, many groups and individuals have predicted the apocalypse throughout history, and so far, all of the predicted dates for the apocalypse have come and gone with no apocalypse actually occurring. what makes it different this time? well for one thing, the church of the subgenius has been celebrating x-day since before 1998. that’s right, since 1996 or even earlier, they have had x-day drills, where they would practice what to do on the actual x-day. technically, all of the x-day celebrations so far have been just x-day drills, in retrospect, because none of them happened on the actual x-day. now technically, you could say that not only the year 1998 but also the day and month july 5th are in question. that is why tex-day is celebrated. tex-day is like x-day except it is celebrated in texas, and it is may 7th, not july 5th. instead of 7/5 it is 5/7, you see? now people say that the apocalypse really happens in the year 8661, which is 1998 upside down. but it is not 8,661 years after the birth of jesus christ. no, it is 8,661 years after some event of cosmic significance in ancient atlantis, supposedly. so that could be any year at all. that is the basis for the theory that this year, 2007, is actually 1998, because 1998 is the upside-down 8661 from the calendar of atlantis. alright, so this all probably seems silly to you by now, which is good! now you think the apocalypse is funny and you no longer take it so seriously. of course you will be dead when the end of the world really comes. but i will be too! and nobody knows how that will happen, except perhaps the perpetrators, if it is carried out by people. in fact, with george w. bush as president, it is a miracle that the apocalypse hasn’t already happened, since he has access to the entire united states nuclear arsenal, and he is completely batshit insane (at least about some things). of course, some people actually diagnose george w. bush as having a normal personality and say he is actually above average in intelligence, but just intellectually lazy and uncurious. but who cares? either way he still sucks. at least dick cheney is not commander-in-chief. mutual assured destruction is m.a.d. and what if everyone got wiped out by a disease like the ebola virus? that could easily happen if a powerful enough disease came along. or earth could get struck by an asteroid. or we could be attacked by hostile aliens, which is the subgenius belief. the hostile aliens, or x-ists, are supposed to come from planet x, the 10th planet of the solar system. that belief is kind of out-of-date now that pluto is no longer a planet. but there is an easy explanation. planet x is made of dark matter so it is invisible. and planet v, the 5th planet, used to exist between mars and jupiter but it exploded aeons ago and all that is left of it is the asteroid belt, the little bits of debris that remain from the explosion. perhaps planet v exploded 8,661 years ago. it is an interesting theory, though probably not true. but anyway, that makes jupiter the 6th planet, saturn 7th, uranus 8th, and neptune 9th. so planet x is 10th and invisible because it is dark matter. it makes perfect sense! i love making things up. anyway, we don’t know for sure that the world ends tomorrow. and according to the laws of “probability”, it is highly unlikely. that is why people need to believe things like that on the basis of faith, not reason. through faith, anything is possible. and anyway, nobody can prove that hostile aliens will not destroy the earth tomorrow morning at 7:00 am eastern daylight savings time. so why question it? even bbc news printed a story today about ufos. the same ufos that may or may not invade the planet earth tomorrow morning! are you ready for whatever may or may not occur? not if you believe in logic, reason, and rationality! throw all those out the window and put your faith in a higher power... “bob”. now if, for some unbobly reason, 7 am on july 5th comes and goes and nothing happens, just like all the past times the apocalypse was predicted... the apocalypse will happen on july 5, 2008 at 7:00 am eastern daylight savings time. or any other date and time. who knows? but humanity cannot survive on the planet earth forever. sometime between now and 5 billion years from now, it’s all over. and it will probably be closer to right now than to 5 billion years from now. so why will it happen on july 5th at 7 am? why not? it’s just as good a guess as any other date and time. but if it happens then, at least there will be some people who expect it then.