don’t worry, i’m christian now

if you are worried at all that i am going astray, you do not need to worry at all anymore. i have accepted our lord and savior jesus christ as my personal savior, and i am saved! hallelujah! praise jesus! my name is in the book of life. i believe in the holy trinity, the father, the son, and the holy ghost. i take the entire contents of the bible as the literal truth. anything that contradicts a literal reading of the bible must be false! do not worry! i do not believe in evolution or any other secular humanist or atheist/agnostic nonsense. i know that the lord created the world in 6 days and took the 7th day to rest, and the first of those 7 days was actually a monday, not a sunday. i know that the great flood happened and that is what killed the dinosaurs, the unicorns, and the giants that once roamed the earth. i know that we are living in the end times and soon the rapture is coming. and i know that i am going to be one of the blessed souls to take part in the rapture. how do i know all of this? the lord almighty told me so! yes, i can hear him inside my brain. and i know that he is of the male gender too, by the way. the lord is anatomically correct, if you catch my drift. that is why we do not call him “she” or “her”. the lord almighty does not have any female sex organs, only male ones. now why does he have them? does he need them for mating with a goddess? no! there is no such thing as a goddess! they are mythological! how could anyone possibly believe such superstitious nonsense? speaking of superstitious nonsense, the devil satan is real, and many people are possessed by him or by other demons in today’s fallen world. we need to cast out false prophets and perform exorcisms. we need to speak in tongues and do snake handling. jesus will defend the jews of israel in world war 4, which will happen after world war 3, and he will only manage to protect 1/3 of them from being killed, and that third will all convert to christianity, meaning there will not be a single jew left in the world and adolf hitler’s vision will be fulfilled. i believe that people can only go to heaven if they accept jesus christ as their personal savior. yes, i believe in all of this, because these are all required beliefs of evangelical christianity nowadays. if i did not believe in this holy creed, i would be doomed to eternal hellfire in the lake of fire, because my name would not appear in the book of life that is read at the great white throne judgement. these are the end times, and you have to get right with the lord. i was a heathen and a sinner, an atheist subgenius, but i have found the truth! the truth is not found through logic or reason, rationality or the scientific method. it is found through pure blind faith in a bunch of seemingly nonsensical crap that a bunch of people all insist is true despite all evidence to the contrary. and i have found that i am perfectly able to have this type of blind faith that is absolutely necessary to achieve salvation, which is lucky, because everyone who does not have this kind of blind faith is doomed to eternal hellfire. oh, and by the way, any native americans who died before 1492 will spend eternity in hell, because none of them heard the message of jesus christ, since it had not come to america back then. many other millions of people died back before christianity had reached their part of the world. and all of those people are now burning in hell, because they were all evil. if they were good, they would have been christian, because only christians can be good people. everyone else is pure evil, and any belief system not based on the teachings of jesus christ must be based on teachings from satan. anybody who deviates even in the slightest from this belief system i outlined here will spend eternity in the lake of fire, because their name will not appear in the book of life. but i am saved, and i am going to heaven, where i will spend eternity singing the praises of our almighty lord. these are all proven facts that i am saying and if you dispute any of it you are damned. so i hope that all the people who were worried about me being damned are now satisfied that i am saved and i am a true christian going to heaven for all eternity, because one of my parents keeps telling me about people who are worried about my soul, keeps bugging me about it, and this is my response. i hope you are happy, since obviously i believe in 100% of evangelical christianity and i am born again. i know anything less than that would be unsatisfactory. of course jesus himself said judge not lest ye be judged, so maybe people should take that into consideration before they start saying that i will go to hell because of my beliefs. because maybe a hell of a lot of other people would have to go to hell for their beliefs before one as righteous and noble as me is ever sent to hell. i mean, a lot of people who have beliefs similar to the ones i outlined here do not exactly exemplify virtue and kindness and righteousness with how they live their lives. but, they will still go to heaven anyway, because all that matters is your beliefs, and not your actions, when you are judged. it is just a simple matter of whether you have accepted jesus christ as your personal savior and bought into all the beliefs of modern-day protestant evangelicals in the united states’ bible belt. men get to order women around, and all homosexuals go to hell. that is just how it works. anyone who has any sort of need to rebel against this rigid type of fundamentalist ideology is obviously a hellbound heathen. and that certainly does not describe me, because i am as christian as they come. granted, my conversion is rather recent, but i am such a fervent and passionate believer in it. i am going to heaven for all eternity, after i am taken away in the rapture. it is just a fact, and if you argue with it, it just proves you are going to go to hell, so don’t even think about questioning anything i have said in this post, because your eternal soul is on the line here. your beliefs must perfectly align with the required ones to gain admittance to heaven, so be very careful.