jihad!!!

the followers of the flying spaghetti monster and the followers of the invisible pink unicorn have declared a great religious war against each other. check out this declaration of jihad from youtube:



now obviously the church of the subgenius needs to put out a fatwa and declare a jihad against another religion. so here, i am calling for all loyal subgenii to fight against the great evil known as discordianism! and, in honor of that, the church of the subgenius needs to reverse the mistake we made earlier this year when we made a prominent discordian, robert anton wilson, a saint in our church. that should be reserved for people who live their lives according to our teachings, like anna nicole smith, who was rightly sainted by our church. so the first act of this great religious war should be to retroactively strip robert anton wilson of his sainthood, and bestow it upon someone more deserving, such as paris hilton. secondly, subgenii must stop using all linux distributions that include a program known as “ddate”, which displays the discordian date, since discoridanism has been condemned by j.r. “bob” dobbs himself, from beyond the grave where he was buried alive! there is one exception to this rule, a most holy and righteous exception, for slackware linux, a linux distribution created by subgenii according to the ancient principles of the yeti from atlantis. users of slackware linux need the program ddate to help in planning for x-day, when the pleasure saucers arrive and all dues-paying subgenii are “ruptured” up onto the flying saucers for an orgy with the alien sex goddesses, or x-ists, from planet x. thirdly, no subgenius should ever answer a question with “consult your pineal gland” or “five tons of flax”, unless, of course, that is the correct answer. also, the word “chao” is to be banned, and the book principia discorida is to be added to the already lengthy list of banned books. why is all of this necessary? because of the claim discordians have made that their religion predates the church of the subgenius and is the basis for the subgenius religion, a claim which is 100% completely true. i mean false. forget that part about true. what i meant to say was false. anyway these are heretical subgenii who only managed to get their book printed before our first one through misuse or abuse of the sacred subgenius techniques of time control. furthermore, our evil ufo mind control cult for world domination was founded in 1953, not 1979, so in fact we predate the discordian religion, which was founded in 1958. and finally, since the number 5 is considered sacred by discordians, that number is to be prohibited from use among all subgenii, including in its use as a digit in longer numbers. so, for example, the year 1953, the year of our cult’s founding by j.r. “bob” dobbs, is now heretical to mention. and all of these new rules will remain in place until this great religious war is ended, at which time all of them will be completely reversed and things will go back to the way they were before.

this just in! breaking news: the great religious war between the flying spaghetti monster and the invisible pink unicorn has ended! here is videotaped proof:



at this point in time it seems completely pointless to continue this great religious war against the discordians any longer. they have stolen away over half of our followers, revealed the fact that j.r. “bob” dobbs and his wife “connie” are fictional characters, and have threatened to make public the documents that prove the church of the subgenius was founded in 1979, not 1953! even worse, they have bestowed the title of “pope” upon every subgenius, a title none of us wants to have! robert anton wilson has come back from the grave and written another bestselling novel! we need to put an end to this, through unconditional surrender. all of the changes we made when we declared jihad are now reversed, and paris hilton has been stripped of her sainthood. at last, we are at peace. now i can finally consult my pineal gland to make sure it is okay to eat 5 tons of flax.